ABOUT
At 16, I was offered the opportunity to work as a model in live in Paris, France. I jumped at the change to live every girls dream.
(age 16, some of my first photos)
I plunged head first into the fashion scene, only to discover the lifestyle was unbearable. The pressure to be unnaturally thin, and to modify my behavior and body, drained my willpower and self esteem.
(a few of my first photoshoots in Paris, scared to death!)
Still, I continued on, working in Milan, Italy, and New York, searching for my niche.
(NYC at 21, the final run of my career)
At 21, I decided to quit modeling and went on to earn my degree in Broadcast Journalism. Looking back at this period in my life, I am very grateful for my modeling past, because it made me who I am today.
(the real me today, at 38 )
I am now a married, mother of two. My modeling days are long gone, along with my disordered eating habits. I share with you my past, in an effort to set you on the right track, especially if are suffering with an eating disorder.
If your greatest desire is to be thin and beautiful, I hope my blog topics and true life stories serve as a voice of reason… be careful what you wish for.
-mamaVISION
128 Comments
April 29, 2007 at 9:45 am
I first found your video blogs on youtube, accidently, and was initially angry with some of the things you said, but I was interested in what you had to say; so, I watched every single video, and I felt compelled to tell you I haven’t cried this much in such a long time. I know you’ve heard it all, but you are inspirational!
I wish that I could believe you when you say that there is “so much life out there”, but I dont see it… I’ve had eating issues for as long as I can remember, my father and step-mom know, but they don’t care - so long as I don’t stop them from eating what they want, its my choice.
To be honest, you remind me of my mom and I think that’s partly why you impacted me so much. I wish my parents cared as much as you care for everyone out there.
I hope that there is some hope for other girls out there like you say… but I know that I am seeking death, and to be honest, when I get thin enough to die… maybe someone will care.
You are fantastic at what you do, please keep it up, so many people have found an amazing source of hope.
Always and forever, Jane x x x
April 30, 2007 at 5:06 pm
Hi Jane: I am glad you found me….everything happens for a reason you know. Wow, I am honored to hear I remind you of your mother, she must have been awesome
I am so sorry to hear you lost her, and now feel your father and step mom do not care. There is a lot of support here, and many, too many people suffering. The volume of posts and out pouring of emotions never ceases to amaze me.
Sometimes, I sit back and wonder why I do this blog. Really, I am totally driven to keep it going, and keep writing…its like something in me that has to get out. I post things and its scary sometimes, but then I get messages from people like you and I just smile and know there is a purpose to this.
I am saddened to hear you are seeking death through starvation, and I can’t imagine your pain and feelings inside. There is hope if you are willing to open your eyes too it, but I understand that from where you sit right now it is darkness.
Did you get a chance to read about Gillian? She is an amazing person I met through my blog, she reached out to me and we connected. The suffering she has been through in her life is literally too tragic to put into worlds. Now anorexia may kill her. I am praying it does not, but I know we all have a path in life. I hope Gil is an inspiration to you and others who are wanting to just pass on. Her eyes, her expression, and her compassion as a person is amazing. I hope you will take a look at her video.
Take care, and I hope to hear more from you!
Love,
mamaV
April 30, 2007 at 6:21 pm
Hi, I have watched sooo many of your videos on youtube. everytime i typed in pro ana and pro mia or suicide you came up so i felt like i was meant to watch you, so i did. i found you so complelling and you speak so truthfully. i have been bulimic for four years now(with no signs of stopping), and watching your videos in part helped me relise why. your kids are so lucky to have you as a mum. the way you are i guess is everything i wanted in a mum. something i know ill never have. i was never good enough for her, and last month she tried to kill herself. she doesnt even show any remorse except to say “im so sorry, you shouldnt have to go through this…but it was the sleeping pills that made me do it” she wont even admit anything about how she lied about taking her anti depressents. she wished it had worked. and now i know i will nver have a the mother i so long to be close to.
Keep up everythng you are doing please. I have chosen death. I dont care anymore. My own mother couldnt care less about abadoning me so why should i care?! But i just know other people will find hope in what you say and write.
your amazing…. xxxxxxxxx gabi xxxxxxxxxx
April 30, 2007 at 8:44 pm
Hi Gabi: It is so nice to meet you. I have to say its so hard to hear from girls such as yourself that have mothers that are caught up in their own issues they are incapable of caring for, and loving their children. I really feel for you, and I hope you will find someone in your life who can replace, at least in some ways the love your mother should be giving you.
Four years with bulimia. Totally overwhelming I am sure. Why have you chosen death? There are no other paths you see as open for you? Lets talk more. I am happy to talk via email privately, just post another comment for me letting me know to contact you.
Love,
mamaV
XOXO
May 1, 2007 at 2:42 am
Hia MamaV,
i didnt really expect a reply, so thank you, it made me smile.
i watched the video about Gil, and it hurts so much to see someone so beautiful and amazing to be suffering like that. i hope and pray so much that she will make it through all this and become the person she wants to be. She really does deserve more than Ana will ever be able to “give”.
i can’t quite comprehend how you made it through so much; it does give me hope, but at the same time i feel somewhat pathetic - if you can do it, why is it so damned hard to even force myself to get out of bed and just live?!
Oh, it isnt so much that i want to die through starvation, its more like, i want to die but i want to die with some sort of acomplishment to my name… does that make sense? All i’ve ever done is fail, and this is something that i can do, and can achieve something from.
With love, Jane
May 1, 2007 at 4:58 am
Hi MamaV my email address is gabicolman@hotmail.com
xxxxx
May 1, 2007 at 1:15 pm
Hi
Im Natalie. Ive been kinda stuggling with my weight for years, my HW was 203lbs and i am now 156lbs ish. Some days i have good days and some are crap day (excuse me language) but seeing you videos on utube, wow is all i can say. Ive restricted till i can restrict no more, ive had enough!! I am so miserable, i wana break free from this crap!! I am going to break fee from this crap. You have just given me the push i need. You are amazing andi know it is going to be along road but i am gona do this.
Thank you so much i don’t think you will ever know what a difference u have just made.
Natalie
May 1, 2007 at 3:23 pm
hi mama, quikly wrote my email address cos i was late for a meeting at uni but i also wanted to say that i would love to talk privately, so would love to hear from you. thank you xxxxxxxxxxxx
May 7, 2007 at 1:24 pm
hi
i find your videos inspiraing as you speak the truth about eating disorders. They have helped me alot as i have a eating disorder and it is so good to hear someone talking about eating disorders as everyone i try to bring the topic up with dismisses it. Its almost like it is a taboo topic. Your videos have helped me so much and i am now considering seeking profesional help as i dont want my ed to ruin my future as i am only in college and have my life ahead of me. I am very scared as i dont no what to expect when i ask for help. But i just would like you to no that your videos have helped me a great deal and i would love to hear from you in the future
thankyou xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
May 10, 2007 at 10:47 am
Wow…I don’t have that much to say, first off, but don’t worry it’s all positive words!
I posted on one of your blog entries maybe a week ago talking about my experience with ana/mia sites, and yes I did find your site by typing in “ana mia” (besides the point). Just wanted to say that since then I’ve been browsing around a lot and I have a much better understanding on your perspective on eating disorders and the likes…and that I really admire all that you do and stand for on here. Please keep blogging and I promise I’ll keep reading!
May 11, 2007 at 1:52 pm
hay, I´m from Germany, and I think my English isn´t very god
I understand most of the things you´ve said, buuuut I can´t write or talk good. I hope you will understand me
I saw your videos on youtube, and I think that, taht what you are doing here is very great. I had anorexia and now I´m bulimia. I have my eating disorder since 4 years. I think;). And I hurt myself. I don´t know how you call this in English, but I take a knife or something and put it on my arms. I feel so empty. I get through the day, and don´t really realize, what happens around me… I think this is a little bit scary. If you want to you can write me an email. (I will be happy)
Tina
May 17, 2007 at 3:02 pm
I came across your video on youtube and was very moved by your efforts to expose proana sites. I must admit that I am a member of one such site, and although I agree with you that a lot of the advice given is negative, it serves as the only place where I can actually engage in conversation about my eating disorder with others who understand the pain that accompanies eating disorders. Last week I graduated with my MA in English, I begin working toward a Ph.d in the Fall, I will also be teaching at community college in the Fall. To those around me, I seem successful and happy. But I know that as I obsessively think about food, weigh myself, purge after meals, and harshly scrutinize every part of me, I am far from what people perceive. So, until posting here now, I have used the proana site to let a little of this pent up sadness out. Thanks for your video. It is inspiring and made me feel like maybe there is a way out of this cycle of hopelessness.
May 20, 2007 at 10:32 am
Wow, that sounds like an amazing yet scary and sad life. I’m glad you were able to pull yourself back up from the threshold of “wanting to be thin to be beautiful.” I know of you and this blog through Melissa Todd. She is a faithful and dedicated reader of your page. I have seen some of your videos and blogs and I think what you do is amazing. I hope to see some more blogs anf videos of inspiration and hope for young women and adults as well.
Love Always,
Laura. ♥.!
May 21, 2007 at 8:44 pm
Your so inspiring and understanding.
I feel like you understand us.
Thank you so much!
June 5, 2007 at 4:41 pm
hi i´m here again
i watched alot of other videos from you, and I asked myself, how you can make this?where do you get the power to make this??
i thik what you´re doing is very good.
please write me an email
June 13, 2007 at 3:53 pm
I think what you’re doing here is absolutely fantastic. I’ve noticed that you don’t run adsense or any other method to profit from your site - do you accept paypal donations?
June 15, 2007 at 1:01 am
Hi Ross… come back soon, mama is setting it up.
I agree. Mama should accept donations. I call her an angel for doing what she does, but even angels should consider donations!
June 16, 2007 at 2:05 am
Hi,
I have had problems with anorexia for few years now.
i logged into youtube looking up pro ana, and then i saw your clip.
You are an inspiration to all. Your kids are very lucky to have you as a mum.
At first when i started watching one of your clips it made me mad. But, your a person who is trying to help others. Although i have an ED and i dont see myself getting better soon, you have still helped me and many other young women and men across the world.
Keep up the good work.
A reply would be very much appreciated!!
xx
June 20, 2007 at 4:52 am
hi
i found your site by accident. I was searching youtube and found your clip. i thought it was very interesting so i visited your blog found it even more interesting :P. i see you are against breast implants. i am also against them, i feel it is a quick fix for an underlying problem. this quick fix lands up not being such a good fix after all. i thought you might be interested to read here especially the section entitled ‘Patient Characteristics’
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Breast_implant
wikipedia also has a section about anorexia if you are interested
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anorexia_nervosa
June 21, 2007 at 5:12 pm
Can you please email me? I’d like to interview you for our magazine. I saw your response to my bulletin board posting. Thanks!!
June 21, 2007 at 5:13 pm
Hi Ross: You have me thinking and motivated to get this set up. My issue is I need to think about what I would collect the donations for. Costs to run the blog are minimal and I am not in this for the money, so I want to make sure that I am collecting for a useful cause.
Feel free to lend your ideas. I will likely write a post about this when I launch the paypal donation link (I can’t get it to work, need a little tech help, it shouldn’t be long).
Take care and thank you for your interest!
mamaV
June 21, 2007 at 5:17 pm
Hi Tina: Sorry for the delay!! I try to keep up with the messages but its been a bit crazy lately. I am glad you are here!
Ok so you ask how I have the power to do this? I have no idea… I am just drawn to do it. Seriously, this thing started as a business project and morphed into something totally unexpected.
The moment I realized I could do something positive with my horrible modeling experiences, I was hooked. For years I hid my modeling past, in fact putting this blog out there for all to see was a major decision for me. But once I did, I knew I was doing the right thing because I see how this has become this little community and its so important that girls have a voice of reason among all the beauty/thin messages.
So what brings you here?
mamaV
June 22, 2007 at 3:04 pm
sending you my support hun your doing an amazing job here, and probably helping a lot of people, i only ever used to visit a few sites, and got support off a lot of people to try and get over who i am, or what i was becoming… keep going your doing a great job, if i can help in anyway let me know…Dawn
June 25, 2007 at 11:22 pm
I USED TO BE THIN 10 YEARS AGO, NOW I HAVE 2 CHILDREN AND I FEEL I’M SO FAT, MY HUSBAND AND MY CO-WORKERS ALWAYS TELL ME THAT I’M NOT FAT, I FEEL THEY LIE TO ME TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. I DON’T WANT TO EAT ANY MORE TO BE AS THIN AS I WAS YOUNG, BUT THEN I END EATING PIZZA OR HAMBURGERS, AND I FEEL GUILTY AND I DON’T WANT TO EAT ANYMORE.
MY 10 YEARS OLD DAUGHTER IS OVERWEIGHT AND I ALWAYS TELL HER TO SUCK HER TUMMY OR TO STAND STREIGHT OR TO STOP EATING, THAT WOULD MAKE HER ANOREXIC IN THE FUTURE? PLEASE ANSWER!!!!
June 26, 2007 at 6:40 am
Layla;
I’m sorry you are suffering like this, it isn’t fair on anyone to feel like this. We are all here to support you :o)
About your daughter… don’t be too hard on yourself, I know how hard it is to keep your own insecurities at bay. But, so long as your daughter is happy, let her be as she is. If you are worried about her weight, take her to see a doctor who can help both you and her to be HEALTHY. This is my main concern. Telling her to suck her tummy in or stop eating will only leave her feeling guilty and ashamed, let her be a child. You say she’s only 10, introduce her to something she enjoys, a sport she likes to play. Go swimming together. Just be there for her hun.
You should speak to a proffessional, it would do you some good… the way you have described your eating patterns worries me, and I would feel a lot better if I knew you were getting some help.
Smile and enjoy life, it’s a beautiful thing!
Love,
Jane x x x
June 27, 2007 at 9:10 am
Hey,
I stumbled across your youtube about suicide, I can say some of the stuff you said made angry… but i still played it all… thats how i found this site… I know heaps of people who have tried suicide.. including myself.. after losing my best friend to death i had no one hated life wanted to join her i was getting abused, i never really told anyone how i felt i hid it all away… worst thing i eva done… i used to cut my wrists all the tym wore jumper 24/7 this guy i never spoke to noticed my cut and spoketo me and helped me out im getting better but its great that u have a site like this to help people out
June 27, 2007 at 1:44 pm
Sophie - I watched that video and was angry too… but if you think about it, it sort of makes sense. I’m sorry you went through so much, that’s hard on anyone and I can honestly say I’m proud that you are getting better. People here always seem to have words of comfort when you need them, and are great people to get to know. Don’t give up hun :o)
Jane x x x
June 27, 2007 at 7:15 pm
Jane - Thanks heaps…. …I help anyone out that is upset even if i don’t know them… im never mean to anyone everyone say’s im one off the nicest people they know what makes me feel better about my self.. I also did a self help program back in year 10… where you learn about stars and black holes, it is only in south australia, I kept the book that i did when i was there, saying what i wanted to do when i was older, and how to feel better that also has helped me out, I try and not hurt my self anymore as I now know how much it hurts people in the end, so i write down my feels… im glad there is boards like this out there…. so people can get some advice, ive only just turned 18… and have seen heaps that people have been through, and some day accaully want to help people who have been through what I have… I was only 15 when I started cutting my self 3 years now… pretty young age to even think about death… but i relise now that it is wrong.. but it seems like a new fashion these days…. one thing someone told me once that neve left me and I tell other now these days, is “You don’t want to die, you just don’t want to live, it’s not something you want to do… life has its up’s and down and you seem to struggle with the down, but you know as well as I do, you’ll be happy in a few months time, might not be easy but you’ll get there, your a strong person, because just remember suicide is a peremant solition to an in-permenant problem and it will hurt others more than you are hurting now” yeah it might sound lame… but that is what also helped me and its true!…. people who usually do commit suicide don’t want to die, they just dont wanna live through the problems they are having… also another thing i got told was “- you have been given a life, some people have no chance at life, some people are killed and die when they dont want to - That is sad. - you have this gift of life and you shouldnt abuse it by giving up on yourself” sorry its a long comment
hope to chat again soon!
Sophie xoxo
July 3, 2007 at 1:11 pm
This is a different Sophie to above posts.
Hello, Mama and everyone. I don’t have an ED, oneof my best friends does, and my other friends and I are currently helping her through it. I admire you so much for what you are doing here, Mama and, if you feel as if I’m tresspassing, please tell me, but…
This year, for my GCSE coursework in Food & Nutrition, I’m doing a title I made up on anorexia, how more and more young people are being affected by it and what sort of things they should eat to help themselves recover and get the nutrition they need. I would approach my friend for her help however, as you could guess, it’s a sensitive subject and any mention of it sends her spiralling further back and all progress made is lost.
Therefore, any information would be a huge help but, as I said, feel free to tell me if I’m outta line here.
Best wishes
Sophie
July 6, 2007 at 2:36 pm
You prove, angels DO exist!
July 9, 2007 at 4:23 am
Hello, I found your blog/s when I was google-ing proana sites, a morbid curiosity of mine. I have a n extremely close friend who has been anorexic (and on the path towards it) for over a year. She is a naturally beautiful girl who was a little overweight before she became sick. She has had a traumatic life, both parents died, was moved from family member to family member and was bullied. About 2 years ago, her doctor diagnosed her with polycistic ovaries and told her she needed to lose weight. So she did. She went from bingeing to starving, over and over again. Right now she is still losing weight, despite her efforts to eat a wider range of food. I have been having many d&m’s with her, but I feel that I may be hindering her recovery. I am very overweight and I see her early days before anorexia in me. I have shocking eating habits, despite my desparate attempts to become healthy. I myself have issues, although not nearly as pressing as my friend’s. I really want to help her, not just because she is asking for it, but because I want to give it to her. Do you think that my weight and low self-esteem will have a negative effect on her? I know that this may be a hard thing for you to judge, but I really value your opinion. Do you have any suggestions on how I can help her get better? I realise that each case is individual and that what has worked for one anorexic may not work for another, but please, I am desparate for any advice which may possibly help. I am doing my best to understand the disease and not make assumptions about it, although I will not pretend that I fully understand how she feels. I have tried to explain it to people in vague terms because I do not want to tell them something that is incorrect. I just keep saying that it is a mental illness and that she cannot be blamed for becoming anorexic. Am I right in saying this? Most people just say “Oh, if she eats she’ll be ok.” and “Why doesn’t she eat more? Stupid girl.” But I think that it will take a long time for her to fully recover. I know this comment is long and arduous to read, mostly because I am extremely emotional at the moment, but please, just give your opinion, and if possible, some advices.
Yours truly.
p.s. Snaps to you for beating your ED and wanting to help people. Angels like you are rare and truly are a gift from god.
July 15, 2007 at 8:10 am
Thankyou for being there, I found you on youtube when I searched pro mia, I needed to not be alone with this and you’ve stopped me from being alone. You weren’t exactly what I expected to find, but I’m glad I found you.
xxx
July 16, 2007 at 1:49 pm
Dear MammaV,
Wow..amazing blog found it by on yourtube.
I am recovering from an ED in the Netherlands.
You really touched my soul
Thank you for showing your honesty.
It is a great gift to see inspiring people like you.
Sindy N
July 17, 2007 at 4:22 pm
keep up the good work mamaV, may you be a light for those in a dark place to guide themselves home by.
July 21, 2007 at 8:23 pm
Hi Ross: I am set up for donations…I had to think about this for a while before launching it, since I wanted to have a plan before collecting funds. Please click on the navigation button on the top of the blog that says mamasDONATIONS and if you would still like to be a part of the cause, please do!
Thank you for encouraging me to do this,
mamaV
July 21, 2007 at 8:24 pm
Hi Ghost: You sure have a way with words. Thank you, when I receive comments such as yours I know I am doing the right thing here.
Take care!
mamaV
July 25, 2007 at 3:51 am
hey Mama!
Ok i have been reading some of the posts on here and im horrified! Ok i understand we are here because we all have one thing in common, we are all sufering from some sort of eating disorder, but when i came across someone post about how they tell there 10 yr old child to stop eating and suck her tummy in, i was shocked, no i was more than shocked i was so mad! I cant believe that a mother would be so selfish. I am horrified that people think that because a mother has her own insecurities that its a good enough excuse to say such horrible things to a ten year old child! I am horrified and i am pissed off to the fricken max! My mother told me the same thing when i was a child, and look at where i am now? Im not saying its my mothers entire fault, but gosh she played a huge part! Layla you are supposed to be your daughters rock, she needs to feel like no matter what she does, looks like etc, that she feels ok at home, that she is ok for who she is. You are her mother and i cant believe you would say something so demeaning and hurtful to a child! If your daughter is overweight, you have made her like that! You are the adult and it is your responsibility that she is eating correctly! I am so pissed off and i dont feel sorry for you, because no eating disorder makes you say such hurtful things to a child!!!
July 25, 2007 at 8:41 am
hey mamaV-
I am new at this, which i heard about from a really great friend of mine i have noone that will take time out of their precious lives to listen to me, so i thought i would turn to you.. i feel i am a waste of time to everyone.. now i am not into it to bad but i have purged 3 or 4 times.. but my most concern that i would love to get help with is that i am a Cutter and I have a Borderline Personality Disorder and I am what they call Maximum Depressed.. I was Molested when i was younger from age 4-7.. and then i turned 13 and i got raped but a older male.. that was 27.. i am 16 now and i am having lotts of troubles with my life, it seems i have nothing to live for and i just want to leave this cruel life..it seems i can never get along with my mother.. she can be so evil and it is like nothing i can do for her is right.. i always do everything wrong, i have made many suicidal attempts before, but i keep on failing.. because someone or something of some sort is stopping my mission, which kinda pisses me off.. but i just tell myself o’well, and quit, and fail my mission.. something is keeping me here.. and it is very frustrating.. i need help.. please reply back..
<3 always Becky
July 25, 2007 at 8:50 am
Mama V-
I think what you are doing on here is very helpful.. to all of us that actually have no female or mother fiqure to talk to.. and me myself can say that i am happy i found you.. because u are very understandable.. an everyone likes talking to someone that is understandable that a person that isnt.. you make it very easier to talk 2 u!.
July 25, 2007 at 2:43 pm
Thank you again and I thought you were from outside Chicago judging by your accent!
July 26, 2007 at 7:59 am
well today i am feeling kinda down and i just ate 2 pop tarts.. yuk.. but neway today i have already been fighting with my mom and its not even noon.. its going to b a long frikin day!.. nebody get back wit me.. <3 always Becky
July 26, 2007 at 1:08 pm
Mama V–I stumbled onto your website and I love it, what you’re doing is so essential…I have to admit I still look at pro-ana sites from time to time (my last hospital stay, one of many, was six months ago, and I consider myself to be moving towards recovery)…I’ve been dealing with this stupid anorexia more than 10 years, and I’m 22 now… voices like yours, voices of sanity, give me hope. You’re a light in the dark. Keep it up.
July 26, 2007 at 11:52 pm
Hi M:
I’ve just stumbled upon your site. We’ve vaguely similar pasts, yet I’m not where you are yet…maybe in the future. There’s a certain acceptance, though not positive, that comes with long-termed eating disorders and well, all psychological problems, I suppose: it’s too hard to move on, so you accept that it’s your future. Maybe, just maybe, that means you accept yourself (at least a little bit).
I’ve looked through some of your articles and I’ve added you to my feed. To be honest, in the past half hour, you’ve become an inspiration to me, of a sorts.
Thanks.
July 28, 2007 at 8:12 am
Hi MAMA,
I am so grateful that there is a voice of reason in the eating disorder community. You can save many lives and heartache. Thanks
August 2, 2007 at 3:29 pm
I just found your site recently after seeing and watching your videos on you tube. For some reason I am drawn here and just wanted to tell you thanks. I know I dont know you but I kind of feel as though I do, like without me saying anything you understand me and what I have been through. Thanks for that. Be careful what you wish for…you are so right. Even at my lowest weight was still not happy. I dont know if I really believed I would happy, I think I just believe that if I keep aiming lower and lower that eventually my life will just end and it will be over and I will feel no more pain ever. I still want that more now then ever actually. why does life have to be so sucky??? sorry for venting just needed to get it out and here feels safe. sorry.
August 4, 2007 at 10:51 am
Heather..
Fantastic endeavor. 5* kudus to you. This is so pertinent. Send to all university health care centers
for their students to check out. Also middle school newsletters.Milwaukee,although somewhat too obese, does have a need for your site.
Keep it coming!
Beth
August 4, 2007 at 2:58 pm
Hi. I just saw your video on youtube. You were born in August-so was I. But I think I am two years older than you. I just got a book that talks about the “underground” for Ana’s. I have a myspace profile where I go to talk to people who understand… but that’s about it. I have watched a few videos on Youtube, but I have not found alot of support. Yet in reading the book I have, it talks of how people want to shut these sites down. Have they suceeded? Because I haven’t found any yet that are accepting new members or places to go to chat …so I am still pretty much “alone” in this. I have dealt with anorexia since I was a young girl and I have had recovery and relapses all my life. Right now I am so very fat from past medications and now that I am “balanced” and not taking anything, I have started being pulled in again. I am not “pro” anything. I don’t fit in “anywhere”. All the girls dealing with this are teens or in their twenties. I am not. So many girls say they WANT to get sick. I don’t. I want the choice to “do it my way”, but I think now that I am older and wiser and have been through so much healing, that “this time will be different”. I have a lot I want to talk about with people that are NOT self destructive. People that don’t have so much baggage and use it as their identity. People that “get it”, without being self righteous and judgemental. Know of anyone? LOL
August 4, 2007 at 9:13 pm
Hi Jen: Can you tell me the title of the book you are reading about the ana underground? I am curious because I am embarking on a new publication and I am curious to see what else it out there.
Now on to you…first I am glad you are here. It sounds like you have had quite a struggle and are still in it. I think you’ll find here there is a diverse age group. many girls come here when they are sick of the whole proana thing.
What do you mean by “doing it your way?” Not sure I get this because unless this means trying to get out of this hell cycle, I don’t know how you can “do this” in any healthy sort of way, do you know what I mean?
I do believe some search engines shut down proana sites, I am totally opposed to this. As I always say this is just sticking your head in the sand. Plus I am very much for freedom of speech.
After a year of doing this blog, I have started to conclude (but reserve the right to change my mind!) that this is all about self esteem at the core. I think where I can help the most is helping girls gain their self esteem back as they live within this beauty, thin obessed world. Somehow I got mine back so I think I can lead others in the right direction.
So, not sure if my comments help at all, so feel free to clarifiy where you are coming from so we can chat more. I encourage you to surf around and read the posts, you’ll likely find some support here and some very intelligent, compassionate women who will befriend you.
Take care!
mamaV
August 4, 2007 at 9:16 pm
Hi Beth! Great to hear from you…and thanks for the encouraging comments. Yes, this effort has various directions it could grow.
Amazingly a blog has a global reach, I hear from women from China, Scotland, UK, you name it, they are here.
My newest venture is I’ve been offered an opportunity to publish some “mini books” sort of a series on this topic….thinking about this, not sure where this will go.
I hope all is well!
Take care!
Heather
August 4, 2007 at 9:19 pm
Hi Kim: Nice to hear from you, yes life is sucky and damn hard sometimes isn’t it? I hear you…but guess I have learned to at least try to look at challenges as part of the planned journey.
You make a key point about weight and self esteem. Its as if the lower you get, the more you hate your body. I am the heaviest I have ever been, turning 38 in a few weeks and proud of it! I’ve come a heck of a long way from that insecure, model at 16. Thank god!
Hope you’ll stick around and keep posting, you obviously have some good insight!
Take care,
mamaV
August 4, 2007 at 9:22 pm
Hi Terra: Glad to hear you are inspired. I think you’ll find a lot of inspiration here from the girls as well. There are a lot of intelligent women who have been to hell and back, some still in it and they are not afraid to express themselves.
There’s just no happiness to be found with ED, none. Its a dead end, that’s why I try to focus on self esteem issues and acceptance…and also be realistic about the sucky things about life that are just hard to deal with…such as the world we live in being just totally honed in on beauty and being thin.
Nice to meet you and hope to hear from you again,
mamaV
August 4, 2007 at 9:25 pm
Hi Becky: You have suffered so much for your young life….but you are still here and I hope you can start to believe there is a better life out there for you.
Who can you talk to- are you in therapy or do you have access to therapy?
Glad you are hear, lets try to get you on the right path,
mamaV
August 6, 2007 at 10:19 am
mama are the help numbers you have listed only for people under 18? Are they really confidential?
August 9, 2007 at 3:45 pm
What is this new publication you are embarking on?
August 11, 2007 at 12:52 pm
hey mama v,
i think what you are doing is really amazing …good for you i just wish there was more websites like this for poeple with other problems too…but keep it up xxx love gem xxx
August 15, 2007 at 4:22 pm
be careful what you wish for… you are right. Never once did I think about how I would be able to stop this ed once it began and eventually took over. I dont know if I “wished” for it but I think if I didnt have my ed when I did I probably would have taken my life. I dont know if one ever knows how to cope with sexual abuse especially as a child and if it were not for my ed I would have taken my life and maybe in a way I still am only slowly and painfully. Its weird that something that kind of saved my life is now taking my life. just a thought
August 19, 2007 at 8:50 am
Hey mama V,
I can say that im angry at your suicide video, It made me a bit angry yes, Im going through depression, my parents don’t know, I dont intened them to know, why? because i dont think that will understand, why am I depressed, because i have been abused from a friends, an ex, my best friend died, my other close friend died and my dad is really sick, I can’t handle things much more, i self harm have tried suicide, some of my friends know that i feel this way, and it hurt them heaps, ive lost friends through it, i self harm to cope, i used to be on depression tablets but stop without doctors notice, and was drinking alco at the tym also, i drink to forget about problems to, i dont think i can ever over come self harm i dunno?, i have done it since i was 15, i am 18 now, im ashamed that i cut myself, but it helps me, i wear jumper n jeans 24/7 my mum noticed scars once saw em, asked what they where i said, i scartach lots, she believed, my friends have noticed it killed them inside. im tryin to get better but its hard… but thanks for the viedo.
Kasie
August 23, 2007 at 1:58 pm
Mama, Im not sure when your birthday is but you mentioned it was in August, so I just wanted to say thank you for all you do and wish you a very Happy Birthday!!xxxkim
August 24, 2007 at 9:37 pm
Hi mama V. I have come to your site several times but have not ever left you a post. I am not much of a writer or commuincator like you. You are so elequent in the way you inform the public. I have lived with anorexia for years and seemed to be doing well for so long. But resentlly I feel the negative voices coming. I am in school and just recently lost my father. I think the stress has caused me to slip back into my dangerous pattern I dont know how to change it now. I find myself going days with out eatting or am in the gym for hours. Your site has shown me that there are girls that suffer in all kinds of ways. I never wanted to admit I was anorexic because like you I did it to stay thin but some how it took on a life of its own. Do you have any suggestions on how to switch from being obsesive over exercise ( I push myself to go further everytime im in the gym) I know what the end result will be (logically) but seem a one demention look when im actually in the gym. All I see is 10 mor minutes. I know this may be a ramble, I hope you can understand my jumbled speach.
August 24, 2007 at 10:22 pm
Hi Michelle: I can relate to your issues because I did the same, the whole exercise obsession thing just spirals until you eventually injure yourself. In my case, the only thing that stoppe me was a herniated disk in my back-I could barely sit much less exercise.
It was a blessing in disguise because I forced me to quit, and I realized I did not gain weight. I could eat like a normal person, a nice balanced diet with treats when I wanted them and I was ok.
So what advice can I give you? First, its great that you are recognizing that you are slipping. I am so sorry for the loss of your father, if you were close, this is likely really going to put a strain on you. What do you think your dad would tell you to do? If he saw you slipping would he help you?
Maybe if you visualize this, and think of how he would want you to stay healthy and focus on school it would help. Still bottomline you need to do this for yourself, but I thought I would throw it out there for you to think about.
I also think its great that you reached out to me! That’s another positive step, so don’t overlook it. Are there others that you can talk with and trust? This can be scary but sometimes you need to give yourself a little push.
I wish you the best, and I hope you are able to get back on that positive path in life.
Take care!
mamaV
August 24, 2007 at 10:23 pm
Hi Kim: Thanks! I was the big 38 on Wednesday! I had a great day, I happened to be in NY on business and my husband joined me. We had dinner in the Village, and talked about what an awesome life we have. I am blessed.
Take care and thanks for remembering!
mamaV
August 24, 2007 at 10:26 pm
Hi Sarah: I finally have more info on the publication. It’s going to be a short handbook, under 60 pages and available online for purchase under $5. ProAna is the focus, educating people and being a voice of reason as I try to do here.
Keep an eye out in Sept, the plan is to launch at the end of the month. I am just finishing it up now.
Thanks for your interest!
mamaV
August 27, 2007 at 1:19 pm
mama v i have a question. if there is a god and heaven do you think people that complete suicides can still go to heaven? i know what religion says but i believe if there is a god he would not be a punishing god as he would know our pains. just wondering what your thoughts are. besides right now life feels as though i picture hell as being.
August 27, 2007 at 5:12 pm
Hi mama v: Thank you for everything you said. My father and I were pretty close so I agree with you that this has put a lot of strain on me. I have thought about what you asked and tried to imagine what my dad would have said to me. I miss him so much but cant see that he would have known there was a “problem” but It helped me to realize how I might be affect my family if I were to get sick. I feel so bad when I think about it and know that my mom has been through so much these last couple years that I want to try to do this by myself, without having to worry here unnecessarily. I have thought about telling my friends but don’t really know WHAT to say. Anyway I just wanted to tell you thanks and answer some of your questions. Thanks for Caring
=}
August 29, 2007 at 12:30 pm
mama v i am sorry. xxxkimxxx
August 29, 2007 at 3:04 pm
Hi Kim: No more apologizes! None are necessary. I emailed you privately.
Love,
mamaV
August 29, 2007 at 4:28 pm
Im totally freakin out. I cant stop. I dont know why or what to do. My emotions are out so out of control the other day I was on my way home from school and could not stop crying. I hope Im not posting to much I just dont know what to do. I fell so bad and so many bad thoughts are swimming in my head. Can anything help I feel hopeless like there is never gonna be a good day again. I cant even remember feeling happy and carefree. I use to be but cant figure out how to get back there.
August 30, 2007 at 2:27 pm
Are modeling schools scam schools
September 1, 2007 at 11:33 am
HI mama V. I am writing because I feel so depressed and am having so many thoughts of how much better things would be if I just “went away”. I hate having these thoughts and am so scared because I dont have any apetite anymore and have dropped down to 90 pounds. Im 5′4 and know this is not good but I feel like if I can just starve it wont be the same as suicide. What do you think. Is there anywhere to go to find help. I have no where to turn and fear everyday that I wont have the strenght to go on.
September 6, 2007 at 3:06 pm
i just wish you were here to talk to mamav
September 7, 2007 at 12:27 pm
hello. i found one of your videos via youtube. i find what you’re doing inspirational and if i was at an early point in my life (perhaps even two weeks), i would want to join the cause and help you with your project.
the thing is i’ve gotten into a relationship, which has until now made me extremely happy. i’ve been without my eating ‘issues’ for the better part of 11 months. my fiance (boyfriend?) is now seeing another girl behind my back. i feel as if i’m slowly peddling backwards to what i know is a very scary place.
i’ve struggled with an eating disorder for almost 10 years (i’m 19 now) and even though i don’t feel like eating right now (and feel as if i never will want to again), i’d like to know if you have any advice for me. thank you.
September 8, 2007 at 10:56 am
hello.
It’s my first time here,I have no idea what this whole site is about because I came on it due to a link on youtube.com a few minutes ago, where I saw one of your videos where you were talking about one of your posts , “Internet Suicide”.
I’ve had a little form of anorexia&high on bulimia when I was 15 throughout my early 16’s.I was and still am overweight,managed to lose some pounds due to my love for football ( soccer as americans say) and rugby who inspired me to run more often.I recovered …I don’t know how actually.I’ve got them all ,ending with self-injury that left me two visible scars on my left arm.Somehow I’ve done it ,started eating , continued to share a laugh somehow.
Had all types of problems, from school trouble , ending with family and men and friends ,leaving my city and my country, you name it.And now , I found myself not eating since about a week ago.It felt good.It still feels good,here in my stomach , as it is , empty.But my headaches are getting worse,I feel my lips dry and have a certain sense of deja-vu.Trying to reason with myself to this hour, because I am crying contineously for 2 days , every moment when I have no one around me.I used to eat when I was sad, now in exchange , my problems push me not to eat , from not having money to buy cigarettes to hearing about paying rent and finding a second job.
I have never talked about this type of problems with anyone , except for some support groups on the net , rarely , and only because it was not necessary any real life contact,as I am used to take care of things by myself.
So it brings me to today , in this late afternoon , after I watched your video.There’s a thing about you I liked immediately , I don’t know what exactly , must be the voice , the tone of the voice,the way you are harsh and in the same time really “mom”-like,the type of woman I would like to be when I am your age ( I’m 19 at the moment ) ,and that made me listen to the message to the end.
It really got to me , made me cry , but since I’m crying out of anything these days , I might as well be ignored =P.I agree with everything you say, myself I was never pro-anorexia,and never visited any type of support group of the kind ( only self-injury ones whom I left due to my ” I have to solve it myself otherwise it’s not worth it “-issue), but it still got to me.
I think your message should be spreaded even more,because , even if you say things many many people say,yours might get through better.Because I think you have a thing these girls ( maybe even me,why exclude me and think I’m any better or stronger ) need , like that certain type of mother figure , a bit harsh ,in the same time kind and intelligent.
All in all , the message I want to get to you is thumbs up,I read also some of your other posts , out of curiosity and I can see you’re the type of person many us of lack of having in our real lives , away from the internet -someone determined,high-spirited who might not give us a hand but kick our asses forward.Because that’s how it’s truly done =)
So I encourage you to continue,I think you are doing a very , very good job.
Betty
September 11, 2007 at 2:45 pm
i miss the open forum here. i will miss you mamav
September 15, 2007 at 10:42 pm
Mama V-
I’ve been struggling with anorexia/bulemia since i was thirteen. i’m sixteen now and nothing has changed. everything started when i lost a family member that i was very close with, i felt that i had nothing else to control so if i started to control what i ate then i would feel better. i wouldnt eat lunch at school and my friends started noticing but they didn’t really say anything. it wasn’t bad though, then high school started and i would find somewhere else to be during lunch, like the library or a class room so i could avoid the cafeteria at all costs. i told my mom i had a problem before i went away for the summer last year. when i came back she got me help right away, and for a while, it was useful. then i stopped going and everything spiraled downhill from there. my guidance counselor at school found out and i had to eat lunch with her in her office sometimes and i was absolutely miserable. things got better at the end of the year though. then this summer, i became best friends with someone who was bulemic. after meals we would sneak off and throw it back up. she wound up getting sent home because someone heard her. no one heard me though. i got nervous and just stuck to not eating. the first day of school my guidance counselor took one look at me and knew right away. i see that my pants dont fit me anymore and i need a belt with everything but i can’t see a change in my body, if anything i feel i’m getting bigger. i havent eaten anything in three days besides a couple of grapes and some water. i like the feeling of being hungry-it gives me a sense of accomplishment. i know i need to break these habits. but i dont have anyone to really be like you need help because i keep everything so hidden. i’ve found myself lying to my mom about eating lunch or dinner. i’ll say i had a peanut butter sandwich and put a knife in peanut butter then leave it in the sink. i hate lying to my mom. whenever i get really upset i exercise and the more upset i get the more i exercise. my guidance counselor keeps tellling me that i will widdle down into nothing but i dont believe her because i can’t see what shes talking about. if you can offer any support and adivce i would really truely appreciate it. if you could email me back maybe that would be excellent
Thanks for listening :/
–Danielle
-sorry for the rambling, i just needed to get that out
September 16, 2007 at 1:38 pm
iv been watching your videos on youtube for a while know and yet i have not heard you mention anything about the boys who suffer from theese disorders as you call them im 19 know and have been diagnosed with anorexia with bulimic tendendcies the first signs of this appeared was when i was 8 or 9 but suficently increased from the age of 12 i have been in many recovery programmes in the uk since then and after just being released at the highest weight ever at 11 stone 10 forgive me for my metrics being slightly different im still very much in the depth of this and at the moment struggling to maintain this weight and am find it more difficult as its mainly recognised in girls im not being sufficently treated as i would if i was a girl is there any particular reason you feel that males suffering with this disorder do not deserve a mention ? or had it never crossed your mind ? i know of a few others within the usa who have been refused treatment as they apparently don’t need treatment as much as the teenage girls !
please let me know via email if possible you feelings on this subject
thanks xx
September 19, 2007 at 11:26 am
I always feel really down about my weight. i am 13 and way just over 7 stone. recently i put on 2.2 lbs and felt so guilty about it. I can’t help myself, i just eat an then feel terrible. I have started to love it in school when we do running and stuff because i think of all the weight i can lose. but at the same time i think about all the people looking at my fat. my parents (who r not thin) have always called me fatty as a joke. but to me it feels terrible to here it. My older sister goes on proanna sites, and she knows about it. i go to boarding school because i can’t see propperly, and i hate it. none of the girls care about there weight and that scares me not to care. i need people to think about losing weight, it makes me feel secure to know others will.
I don’t know how to handle this i need to lose weight. my aim is to be 90 lbs that would make me happy.
xx
September 21, 2007 at 1:39 pm
thanks for your latest video just be. i dont know what ill do yet but i want you to know how much it has meant to me to have you in the last month. you have made a difference in my life and i thank you and love you. xxxkimxxx
September 22, 2007 at 5:55 pm
I just came accross your youtube videos today while I was searching for more Pro Ana sites. I am happy I stumbled accross yours instead of spending another evening reading “thinspiration”. i’m currently in recovery from bulimia, after leaving the hosptial for the third time in the last two years. I think it’s great what you’re doing. I subscribed to your email and it’s refreshing to find someone who understands what we’re going through, and yet not lecturing us the way most people tend to do. So I just wanted to thank you for what you’re doing…it’s truly a real INSPIRATION…rather than thinspiration
September 24, 2007 at 3:38 pm
I don’t know what to do. today i ate a plate of pasta and i feel so fat. The boys at my boarding school keep laughing at me and saying i’m fat. I think i’ve put on weight. Do you think just eating 1 apple each day will lose me the weight i need to. I think i look so terrible.
xx
September 25, 2007 at 4:29 am
hai there .. my god u called ur self old..baby dearest ur the most beutiful mama i have ever seen ..( compared to other natural mama’s at the age of 38 ) by the way u look like 29 or most 31 to me..anyway i like ur bloq .. live life full babe….dang u wer beautiful b4 n ur still a beauty today phweeettt…
September 30, 2007 at 9:08 pm
So much pain in the world … thanks for being one of the good guys!
Not sure how I found your site. I have no eating issues (except a weakness for chocolate), but somehow I stumbled upon your blog.
Anyway, I’m impressed and touched that you would take the time. Keep it up! The world needs more heros.
October 2, 2007 at 9:03 am
Hello Mama! My name is Bethany and I came across your video while looking for pro-info information to do a public awareness ad for my Graphic Design class. I am 21 years old and struggled with anorexia in high school and am soooo thrilled to exclaim to the world that there is hope! I no longer struggle, my mind is on higher and more important things and I love life. I can relate to every single girl who has posted on here and i remember the pain clearly. I remember that I could not picture my life without worrying about food and my body, I thought I had no choice but to worry. I could tell that you can see through all the lies now as well and that is why I knew I had to write you. I can tell you in completele honestly that I let go of anorexia in a weekend. I said goodbye to it forever. It didnt take long, it was a choice on my part. I agree that anorexia is a lifestyle that you can choose to immerse yourself in as a way to cope with the fear of weight gain, but as soon as I saw the truth about these irrational fears, I could let go. How did I see the truth? I hit rock bottom one night and cried out to God for an answer. I felt so dark, so diry, and ugly. I read the Bible and saw words like love, hope, joy, but these words held no true meaning in the depths of my soul; all I knew was ana. I ended up in a faith based program called the Weigh Down Workshop (weighdown.com) it targets people who struggle with obesity and other addictions. It was this program pointing out to me how my lifestyle choice was actually arrogant and controling. I learned that I had my selfish wants in the center of each day and the answer to reversing this was exactly what you sad; I needed a new passion. I’m telling you that I FOUND ONE! one that does not rob me of friends, happiness, time, peace, but it gives back! Doing what God wants each day is now my passion. Instead of idolizing the thinnest girls I knew (I particulary admired Mary-kate Olson) I now look up to people of strong love and faith in the Bible; these people were courageous enough to let go of their means of control, that is the bravest thing in the world. I eat normally now, I love all foods and pray for God’s help when I eat, he shows me how much my body needs and as long as I eat with that kind of moderation and control; I enjoy it and am thankful for it! I am at a right weight and havent gained any weight (well maybe a few pounds that I needed to) since I gave up ana. IT IS WAS ALL A LIE! ALL THAT FEAR AND CONTROL FOR NOTHING! But I needed to take a leap of faith and let go before I found that out. I hope that this story helps others find hope for true freedom. Freedom is not doing what you want, that can end up being slavery; freedom is loving something outside yourself; freedom is loving God and others. weighdown.com is awesome and there are online classes availble. Please let me know if you want any more information. I thought your talks on you tube were true and right, thank you for speaking out.
happy and free,’
Bethany
October 4, 2007 at 10:58 am
hi my names andrea im from belfast in northern ireland i cant say i suffer from an eatin disorder buh i no people hu do have eatin disorders i think wat u have 2 say is very important n young girls should listen…
i have always recieved a slaggin because i hav a big bum, buh da be honest thats der problem i can deal with it n if a big bum is at the top of my worries i wood be lucky (far from it).. any way as u are speakin from experiance you no wat ur talkin about fair play till ya and good luck till every1 bubi xoxox
October 10, 2007 at 9:58 am
HI! I just found your site and am really interesting to read more. I’m trying to watch the video on your ‘ABout Me’ page but YouTUbe says it’s ‘restricted’…how do I get ‘backstage’? thanx so much
October 10, 2007 at 10:48 am
Hello. I just found your site through browsing on WordPress. Your work is commendable. Thank you for being a source of hope and inspiration for people suffering from eating disorders. I hope feeling hopeless continued to be encouraged and find hope.
October 12, 2007 at 11:31 am
Hi there–
I was perusing the Pro-Ana site today and somehow stumbled across your
YouTube video, the one with you in the car.
Your words resonated with me.
I have suffered with an ED most of my life, starting at 15
and I am 41 now. I am also married with a son, who has
developed good eating habits. I still struggle most days with
the thoughts and behavior. I’m afraid if I don’t stay in control and on top
of things I will get fat–and that’s a place I don’t want to be.
For the most part I am doing much better.
Thanks again for the videos and words of inspiration and the blog.
Your modeling pics resemble a young Grace Kelly, one of my favorites.
Peace and Hope,
Karen
October 15, 2007 at 8:25 pm
Hi, MamaVision!
you’re awesome!
I watched your videos and I think you’re amazing, your kids are so lucky to have you as a mom! (:
Well, I’ve been bulimic for two years. As I read in some comment, I have chosen death, too. But I think that if I had a mom as YOU, I would want to be alive. Because my mom does not care and she only wants me to be thin, she doe not care if I starve, I need to do something to be extremely skinny, to be like my cousins ¬¬all of them are models. I’m not so fat, but I want to be extremely skinny, I trust you understand me…
Well, I’ll love to have the chance to talk to you
vir91_00@hotmail.com
love,
you’re amazing
October 17, 2007 at 8:37 am
ive like seen all ur videos on utube n stuff, one thing i wanna kno is how can u jus tell everyone wat they r doing is wrong all the time ok i understand that u went through it all bt still its not wrong , its the way life and people should be allowed to do it without being critised all the time, its a feeling everyone gets when they look in the mirror and they look fat those people as u like to call it anorexic are just doing something about it so because they want 2 change who they are becuase they hate themselsves and the way they look nothin wrong with that if they are just trying to forget the past nothin wrong with that
October 17, 2007 at 10:45 am
ok sorry tht comment was kinda uncalled 4 especially since i guess u r helping some people out im sorry , its just i look at some of the stuff that uve done and 2 me it kinda seems as your brain washing people a little bit… im 17 n u might think i hav an e.d personally i dont think i do, im 5ft 11 n weigh roughly 118 lbs i suffer from manic depression and self harm daily, i only eat for 4 days a week (monday through to thursday) starting with 100 calories mon, 200 on tues, 300 on wed, n 400 thursday, i cant eat on the other days cause if i do i just hav to purge it up , my starve days i drink 3 litres of water plus one can of red bull to get going, ive had a very bad life in my short time of living to include family breakup, my father dying n my sister commiting suicide, ive also been molested by 2 of my brother at a very young age and have been date raped, n tried 2 commit suicide as well so there isnt too much else that can go wrong for me , no1 really gives a damn about me ive been self harming for 4 years and no one has ever noticed , sometimes i jus constantly punch myself in the stomach to stop myself wanting to eat bt anything is better than purging but as a last resort its fine
October 17, 2007 at 1:56 pm
thanks mama v for everything. xxxkim
October 26, 2007 at 5:00 pm
Dear MamaV,
Hi. Im 15 and think i may be anorexic. To be honest, i dont really know whether i am anorexic but i think i might be. Well, ive been feeling down lately and thinking my tummy looks like a football. I told my auntie Mae but she told me not to be ridiculous :S
Also, people at school tease me and poke my ribs. They call me scrawny and it makes me cry. When this happens i slit my wrists. It hurts but it makes me feel better. Then i’ll look in the mirror and be depressed again.
Ive been sticking a toothbrush down my throat .. well, ive been doing it for about 4 months now. But its not working. I look even fatter! And it hurst when i rest on my back when i sleep and sit and things.
About 2 weeks ago my dentist was looking at my teeth and said to my mum he thinks im anorexic. I dont know how HE knows :S:S:S …
Mum doesnt care, daddy did but .. he died a few years back.
Please help! Am i anorexic? :S
-Nameless …
October 29, 2007 at 10:17 pm
Nameless, I’d like to talk to you. E-mail if you’d like. Yourmomac@sbcglobal.net.
November 6, 2007 at 6:46 am
hi mama.v!
my name is rome, im a teenager who lives in Australia, and have suffered from anorexia/bulimia/overeating for the past few years, resulting in several hospitalisations.
i stumbled across ur videos on youtube whilst watching a documentary about an e.d clinic in the U.K, and found all you videos very insightful and you came across as an incredible person!!!
i’m not pro-ana, never have been never will be, i would not want to wish anorexia/bulimia or any other e.d on my worst enemy, yet alone encourage others to strive to starve themselves. it is nothing short of a miserable life, where nothing you ever do is good enough and no matter how thin you get it’s never thin enough. by the time im ‘thin enough’ i’ll be dead, cos even when i was put in a wheelchair i was still convinced it wasnt good enough.
since my last stint in hospital i’ve gained some much needed weight and after 2 years have got my period back again. but the mentality has barely changed. everyday i wake up hoping today will be the day i lose weight again and il become thin, and that this time it will make me happy.
i have never gotten over my anorexia, i have merely replaced it with equally bad habbits (ie. bingeing then purging, bingeing without purging, thus equally rapid weight gain, my body is in turmoil)
ino the thing that is holding me back from delving back into my old anorexic habits is my ‘authentic’ self, the part of me that doesnt want to be sick or starving, and luckily is strong enough at the moment to tell the other part of me to fuck off and let me eat.
but im scared one day it’ll take over again..
something will tip me over the edge and i’ll get sick again…
even my own mum tells me i’ve put on too much weight and that none of my clothes fit me well and that i need to lose weight.
for god’s sake, all my clothes are from when i was sick and dying, i dont want to fit into my size 0 jeans, or go back to wearing childrens clothes… she doesnt realise that by saying that stuff to me she’s feeding my anorexia and what it wants to be hearing…
i dont want to be sick but bingeing and purging my heart out its slowly killing me
i want to get rid off this
i want to be e.d free
but im not strong enough
i have no life its taking over my everything, and seeping into every crack in my life.
what do i do?????
i have no idea where to turn, especially when my own mother is unaware that she too is fuelling my eating disorder
ino you probli get a gazillion emails and most likely wont even read this, i dont blame you im not really worth spending time reading wat i write, its pretty stupid, but while i was looking at ur site i just thought i would anyway. cant hurt.
anyway..congrats on a fab website and the work you continue to do, its fantastic! if only there were more people like you out there!!!
you’re amazing.
thank you for sharing you passion on this serious issue with everyone else, because you will save lives with the awareness you are creating.
have a lovely day
Rome
xoxo
November 7, 2007 at 10:29 pm
Hey MamaV,
I’ve been writing pretend letters to you in my notebook. Crazy, isn’t it? But they help me. I decided to leave this letter here.
I decided to stop binging and purging and, it hasn’t been quick, and it hasn’t been easy, but I’ve been b/p-free for almost a whole week now. I think I’m really sick, though. I’m afraid to say dying, because I’m not ready to give up yet. I have a lot to do before I can just say the hell with it and drop off the face of the Earth.
The fact is, MamaV, my stomach doesn’t work anymore. I can’t eat very much without dealing with a whole bunch of gastrointestinal woes that you don’t need to know about. (But to give you a hint, Pepto and Immo. AD have been my friends.) Sometimes I feel better. Then the attacks come on and I keep pressing on.
Life goes on during and after an eating disorder. You can go with it, if you like.
I get depressed, discouraged, and angry a lot. I don’t see any of my counselors or doctors anymore. I let off steam at you, even though you can’t see me because I’m invisible behind this wall we call the Internet, the World Wide Web. I’m silent, too, save for the clickety-clack my fingers make against these keys as I type.
Mom is angry. She says it’s because I don’t get enough protein that I feel so horrible. Maybe she’s right. My stomach swells so much it feels like my skin will rip open. My stomach skin sags a bit, too, from all that stretching. I’m tired a lot, and never hungry, and I tell myself I’m beautiful whenever I look in the mirror. I believe it more and more as the days go on, even if I do miss being so thin I can see all of my collarbone.
I contemplate suicide nights like these, where I can see the knife block just across from the computer room. It frightens me. I’m going to keep going, MamaV, but knowing the option is there. . . how long would it take to bleed out on the floor? And what would the funeral be like? Would there be a procession? Would someone give me a eulogy? What would they say?
Tabs was a quiet girl, a nose in a book, always. . . you’d think she was really smart, but she really wasn’t. . . more like an encyclopedia, she knew a lot of stuff, but only a little about each thing.
I wonder why my posts here disappear so often. Is it because I scare you? Do I annoy you? Are you frustrated with the fact that I can sit here and type, type, type these meaningless messages to you? Don’t worry, I feel that way about myself, too, writing these messages to people who have nothing to say to me. This is the anonymity of the internet, these are the wires that we, the fringes and celebrities of the world, travel across.
I write to you this sea of words, this cacophonic symphony of personal truths. What we do, what we write, what we think and say, echoes in eternity.
We all echo in eternity.
November 8, 2007 at 4:18 pm
tabs, i too am still suicidal and like that it is always available when the time is right. i am glad you are here though and i would miss you if you were not here. one of my friends gave me a quote once when she knew i was down and i still carry it with me, “the world would not be complete if it were not for the fact that you happen to be here”. please take care of you and stay safe xxxx
November 10, 2007 at 9:25 am
Hey MamaV,
Look at that, writing to you again, already. It’s only been three days. But I’m so happy I just had to tell someone this.
I’ve been binge/purge free for nearly a week now! A lot of my stomach pains are subsiding and I’m almost completely convinced that I am a good person, no matter what I look like. I’ve learned how to avoid my triggers and I’m getting the hang of practicing moderation. I think I’m always going to eat a little too much candy, and exercise a little too much (I think both those things are a lot of fun), but I don’t care. I just don’t want to be unhealthy or feel bad about myself over it.
I think some people upstairs wanted me to stop binging and purging too, to get on with my life. As I was walking home I spied a shiny black box in the dirt. I thought it was broken, so I almost passed it by.
But I didn’t. I bent down and looked it over.
It was a real, functioning, Nintendo DS Lite. You cannot make this up. I felt grateful and rewarded for my suffering.
Whenever I’m tempted to binge, I look at that DS Lite, or I meditate, and realize that there are loads of good things to come. It’s going to be a difficult, sometimes miserable journey, but I’m too young to let myself go so easily, MamaV. I’m going to be a pharmacist and write novels.
Maybe I’ll write a novel about the experiences I’ve had as a bulimic. I should have plenty of material. It’s been almost six years now and tons of both good and bad have happened in between them. My life is never static.
I don’t feel quite free from bulimia, yet. But once I am, I’m going to trash every diet food in the house. I’m going to rip out pictures of too-skinny women in my magazines. I’ve got a fire burning in me, MamaV, and its all green lights from here.
When I’m free from bulimia, I don’t think I’ll be coming here anymore. I won’