Best eating disorder blog

ABOUT

img_2686.jpg HeatherBlessington_mamavisionbloggerI am sixteen years old in the images at the left. These photos were taken just before I was offered the opportunity of a lifetime, I had no idea what was about to happen. After placing well in a local “Most Promising Model” contest, I headed to NYC to complete there. Just after my runway performance, I was approached by an agent to work as a model in live in Paris, France (amazingly my parents let me go which is a whole other story in itself).

heatherblessington_1stparisshoot_modelheatherblessington_modelingparis_mamavisionblogI plunged head first into the fashion scene, only to discover the lifestyle was unbearable. The pressure to be unnaturally thin, and to modify my behavior and body, drained my willpower and self esteem.  Still, I continued on, working in Milan, Italy, and New York, searching for my niche.

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Various modeling pics above spanning from age 16-21

At 21, I decided to quit modeling, come home to the Midwest,  and earn my degree in Broadcast Journalism. Looking back at this period in my life, I am very grateful for my modeling past, because it made me who I am today.

I would say recovered somewhere around 26 (after about 6 years of therapy, and eventually meds) the final step occurring after I met my husband who encouraged me to just be me. Now at 42, I have a 12 year old  daughter and a 9 year old son and they are the center of our world, what more do you need in life? I am blessed.

My modeling days are long gone, along with my disordered eating habits. I share with you my past, in an effort to set you on the right track, especially if are suffering with an eating disorder.

If your greatest desire is to be thin and beautiful, I hope my blog topics and true life stories serve as a voice of reason… be careful what you wish for.

heatherblessington_blogger_businessownerThe real me today at left at 37 38 39 40!  41, 42 (man I’ve been blogging a looonnnggg time). Thanks for reading, don’t hesitate to reach out.

-Heather Blessington aka mamaVISION

145 Responses to “ABOUT”

  1. Jane 29. Apr, 2007 at 9:45 am #

    I first found your video blogs on youtube, accidently, and was initially angry with some of the things you said, but I was interested in what you had to say; so, I watched every single video, and I felt compelled to tell you I haven’t cried this much in such a long time. I know you’ve heard it all, but you are inspirational!
    I wish that I could believe you when you say that there is “so much life out there”, but I dont see it… I’ve had eating issues for as long as I can remember, my father and step-mom know, but they don’t care – so long as I don’t stop them from eating what they want, its my choice.
    To be honest, you remind me of my mom and I think that’s partly why you impacted me so much. I wish my parents cared as much as you care for everyone out there.
    I hope that there is some hope for other girls out there like you say… but I know that I am seeking death, and to be honest, when I get thin enough to die… maybe someone will care.
    You are fantastic at what you do, please keep it up, so many people have found an amazing source of hope.
    Always and forever, Jane x x x

  2. mamavision 30. Apr, 2007 at 5:06 pm #

    Hi Jane: I am glad you found me….everything happens for a reason you know. Wow, I am honored to hear I remind you of your mother, she must have been awesome ;)

    I am so sorry to hear you lost her, and now feel your father and step mom do not care. There is a lot of support here, and many, too many people suffering. The volume of posts and out pouring of emotions never ceases to amaze me.

    Sometimes, I sit back and wonder why I do this blog. Really, I am totally driven to keep it going, and keep writing…its like something in me that has to get out. I post things and its scary sometimes, but then I get messages from people like you and I just smile and know there is a purpose to this.

    I am saddened to hear you are seeking death through starvation, and I can’t imagine your pain and feelings inside. There is hope if you are willing to open your eyes too it, but I understand that from where you sit right now it is darkness.

    Did you get a chance to read about Gillian? She is an amazing person I met through my blog, she reached out to me and we connected. The suffering she has been through in her life is literally too tragic to put into worlds. Now anorexia may kill her. I am praying it does not, but I know we all have a path in life. I hope Gil is an inspiration to you and others who are wanting to just pass on. Her eyes, her expression, and her compassion as a person is amazing. I hope you will take a look at her video.

    Take care, and I hope to hear more from you!
    Love,
    mamaV

  3. Gabi 30. Apr, 2007 at 6:21 pm #

    Hi, I have watched sooo many of your videos on youtube. everytime i typed in pro ana and pro mia or suicide you came up so i felt like i was meant to watch you, so i did. i found you so complelling and you speak so truthfully. i have been bulimic for four years now(with no signs of stopping), and watching your videos in part helped me relise why. your kids are so lucky to have you as a mum. the way you are i guess is everything i wanted in a mum. something i know ill never have. i was never good enough for her, and last month she tried to kill herself. she doesnt even show any remorse except to say “im so sorry, you shouldnt have to go through this…but it was the sleeping pills that made me do it” she wont even admit anything about how she lied about taking her anti depressents. she wished it had worked. and now i know i will nver have a the mother i so long to be close to.
    Keep up everythng you are doing please. I have chosen death. I dont care anymore. My own mother couldnt care less about abadoning me so why should i care?! But i just know other people will find hope in what you say and write.
    your amazing…. xxxxxxxxx gabi xxxxxxxxxx

  4. mamavision 30. Apr, 2007 at 8:44 pm #

    Hi Gabi: It is so nice to meet you. I have to say its so hard to hear from girls such as yourself that have mothers that are caught up in their own issues they are incapable of caring for, and loving their children. I really feel for you, and I hope you will find someone in your life who can replace, at least in some ways the love your mother should be giving you.

    Four years with bulimia. Totally overwhelming I am sure. Why have you chosen death? There are no other paths you see as open for you? Lets talk more. I am happy to talk via email privately, just post another comment for me letting me know to contact you.

    Love,
    mamaV
    XOXO

  5. Jane 01. May, 2007 at 2:42 am #

    Hia MamaV,

    i didnt really expect a reply, so thank you, it made me smile.
    i watched the video about Gil, and it hurts so much to see someone so beautiful and amazing to be suffering like that. i hope and pray so much that she will make it through all this and become the person she wants to be. She really does deserve more than Ana will ever be able to “give”.

    i can’t quite comprehend how you made it through so much; it does give me hope, but at the same time i feel somewhat pathetic – if you can do it, why is it so damned hard to even force myself to get out of bed and just live?!

    Oh, it isnt so much that i want to die through starvation, its more like, i want to die but i want to die with some sort of acomplishment to my name… does that make sense? All i’ve ever done is fail, and this is something that i can do, and can achieve something from.

    With love, Jane

  6. Gabi 01. May, 2007 at 4:58 am #

    Hi MamaV my email address is gabicolman@hotmail.com

    xxxxx

  7. Natalie 01. May, 2007 at 1:15 pm #

    Hi

    Im Natalie. Ive been kinda stuggling with my weight for years, my HW was 203lbs and i am now 156lbs ish. Some days i have good days and some are crap day (excuse me language) but seeing you videos on utube, wow is all i can say. Ive restricted till i can restrict no more, ive had enough!! I am so miserable, i wana break free from this crap!! I am going to break fee from this crap. You have just given me the push i need. You are amazing andi know it is going to be along road but i am gona do this.
    Thank you so much i don’t think you will ever know what a difference u have just made.

    Natalie

  8. Gabi 01. May, 2007 at 3:23 pm #

    hi mama, quikly wrote my email address cos i was late for a meeting at uni but i also wanted to say that i would love to talk privately, so would love to hear from you. thank you xxxxxxxxxxxx

  9. Siobhan 07. May, 2007 at 1:24 pm #

    hi
    i find your videos inspiraing as you speak the truth about eating disorders. They have helped me alot as i have a eating disorder and it is so good to hear someone talking about eating disorders as everyone i try to bring the topic up with dismisses it. Its almost like it is a taboo topic. Your videos have helped me so much and i am now considering seeking profesional help as i dont want my ed to ruin my future as i am only in college and have my life ahead of me. I am very scared as i dont no what to expect when i ask for help. But i just would like you to no that your videos have helped me a great deal and i would love to hear from you in the future
    thankyou xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  10. Lo 10. May, 2007 at 10:47 am #

    Wow…I don’t have that much to say, first off, but don’t worry it’s all positive words! :-)

    I posted on one of your blog entries maybe a week ago talking about my experience with ana/mia sites, and yes I did find your site by typing in “ana mia” (besides the point). Just wanted to say that since then I’ve been browsing around a lot and I have a much better understanding on your perspective on eating disorders and the likes…and that I really admire all that you do and stand for on here. Please keep blogging and I promise I’ll keep reading! :-)

  11. Tina 11. May, 2007 at 1:52 pm #

    hay, I´m from Germany, and I think my English isn´t very god ;)
    I understand most of the things you´ve said, buuuut I can´t write or talk good. I hope you will understand me :P
    I saw your videos on youtube, and I think that, taht what you are doing here is very great. I had anorexia and now I´m bulimia. I have my eating disorder since 4 years. I think;). And I hurt myself. I don´t know how you call this in English, but I take a knife or something and put it on my arms. I feel so empty. I get through the day, and don´t really realize, what happens around me… I think this is a little bit scary. If you want to you can write me an email. (I will be happy) :)
    Tina

  12. Christy 17. May, 2007 at 3:02 pm #

    I came across your video on youtube and was very moved by your efforts to expose proana sites. I must admit that I am a member of one such site, and although I agree with you that a lot of the advice given is negative, it serves as the only place where I can actually engage in conversation about my eating disorder with others who understand the pain that accompanies eating disorders. Last week I graduated with my MA in English, I begin working toward a Ph.d in the Fall, I will also be teaching at community college in the Fall. To those around me, I seem successful and happy. But I know that as I obsessively think about food, weigh myself, purge after meals, and harshly scrutinize every part of me, I am far from what people perceive. So, until posting here now, I have used the proana site to let a little of this pent up sadness out. Thanks for your video. It is inspiring and made me feel like maybe there is a way out of this cycle of hopelessness.

  13. Laura. 20. May, 2007 at 10:32 am #

    Wow, that sounds like an amazing yet scary and sad life. I’m glad you were able to pull yourself back up from the threshold of “wanting to be thin to be beautiful.” I know of you and this blog through Melissa Todd. She is a faithful and dedicated reader of your page. I have seen some of your videos and blogs and I think what you do is amazing. I hope to see some more blogs anf videos of inspiration and hope for young women and adults as well.

    Love Always,
    Laura. ♥.!

  14. Gina 21. May, 2007 at 8:44 pm #

    Your so inspiring and understanding.
    I feel like you understand us.
    Thank you so much!

  15. tina again 05. Jun, 2007 at 4:41 pm #

    hi i´m here again ;)
    i watched alot of other videos from you, and I asked myself, how you can make this?where do you get the power to make this??
    i thik what you´re doing is very good.
    please write me an email:)

  16. Ross 13. Jun, 2007 at 3:53 pm #

    I think what you’re doing here is absolutely fantastic. I’ve noticed that you don’t run adsense or any other method to profit from your site – do you accept paypal donations?

  17. fracas 15. Jun, 2007 at 1:01 am #

    Hi Ross… come back soon, mama is setting it up.

    I agree. Mama should accept donations. I call her an angel for doing what she does, but even angels should consider donations!

  18. Gareth 20. Jun, 2007 at 4:52 am #

    hi

    i found your site by accident. I was searching youtube and found your clip. i thought it was very interesting so i visited your blog found it even more interesting :P . i see you are against breast implants. i am also against them, i feel it is a quick fix for an underlying problem. this quick fix lands up not being such a good fix after all. i thought you might be interested to read here especially the section entitled ‘Patient Characteristics’

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Breast_implant

    wikipedia also has a section about anorexia if you are interested

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anorexia_nervosa

  19. Debbie Kotz 21. Jun, 2007 at 5:12 pm #

    Can you please email me? I’d like to interview you for our magazine. I saw your response to my bulletin board posting. Thanks!!

  20. mamavision 21. Jun, 2007 at 5:13 pm #

    Hi Ross: You have me thinking and motivated to get this set up. My issue is I need to think about what I would collect the donations for. Costs to run the blog are minimal and I am not in this for the money, so I want to make sure that I am collecting for a useful cause.

    Feel free to lend your ideas. I will likely write a post about this when I launch the paypal donation link (I can’t get it to work, need a little tech help, it shouldn’t be long).

    Take care and thank you for your interest!
    mamaV

  21. mamavision 21. Jun, 2007 at 5:17 pm #

    Hi Tina: Sorry for the delay!! I try to keep up with the messages but its been a bit crazy lately. I am glad you are here!

    Ok so you ask how I have the power to do this? I have no idea… I am just drawn to do it. Seriously, this thing started as a business project and morphed into something totally unexpected.

    The moment I realized I could do something positive with my horrible modeling experiences, I was hooked. For years I hid my modeling past, in fact putting this blog out there for all to see was a major decision for me. But once I did, I knew I was doing the right thing because I see how this has become this little community and its so important that girls have a voice of reason among all the beauty/thin messages.

    So what brings you here?
    mamaV

  22. Dawn Chapman 22. Jun, 2007 at 3:04 pm #

    sending you my support hun your doing an amazing job here, and probably helping a lot of people, i only ever used to visit a few sites, and got support off a lot of people to try and get over who i am, or what i was becoming… keep going your doing a great job, if i can help in anyway let me know…Dawn

  23. LAYLA 25. Jun, 2007 at 11:22 pm #

    I USED TO BE THIN 10 YEARS AGO, NOW I HAVE 2 CHILDREN AND I FEEL I’M SO FAT, MY HUSBAND AND MY CO-WORKERS ALWAYS TELL ME THAT I’M NOT FAT, I FEEL THEY LIE TO ME TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. I DON’T WANT TO EAT ANY MORE TO BE AS THIN AS I WAS YOUNG, BUT THEN I END EATING PIZZA OR HAMBURGERS, AND I FEEL GUILTY AND I DON’T WANT TO EAT ANYMORE.
    MY 10 YEARS OLD DAUGHTER IS OVERWEIGHT AND I ALWAYS TELL HER TO SUCK HER TUMMY OR TO STAND STREIGHT OR TO STOP EATING, THAT WOULD MAKE HER ANOREXIC IN THE FUTURE? PLEASE ANSWER!!!!

  24. Jane 26. Jun, 2007 at 6:40 am #

    Layla;
    I’m sorry you are suffering like this, it isn’t fair on anyone to feel like this. We are all here to support you :o )

    About your daughter… don’t be too hard on yourself, I know how hard it is to keep your own insecurities at bay. But, so long as your daughter is happy, let her be as she is. If you are worried about her weight, take her to see a doctor who can help both you and her to be HEALTHY. This is my main concern. Telling her to suck her tummy in or stop eating will only leave her feeling guilty and ashamed, let her be a child. You say she’s only 10, introduce her to something she enjoys, a sport she likes to play. Go swimming together. Just be there for her hun.

    You should speak to a proffessional, it would do you some good… the way you have described your eating patterns worries me, and I would feel a lot better if I knew you were getting some help.

    Smile and enjoy life, it’s a beautiful thing!

    Love,

    Jane x x x

  25. Sophie 27. Jun, 2007 at 9:10 am #

    Hey,

    I stumbled across your youtube about suicide, I can say some of the stuff you said made angry… but i still played it all… thats how i found this site… I know heaps of people who have tried suicide.. including myself.. after losing my best friend to death i had no one hated life wanted to join her i was getting abused, i never really told anyone how i felt i hid it all away… worst thing i eva done… i used to cut my wrists all the tym wore jumper 24/7 this guy i never spoke to noticed my cut and spoketo me and helped me out im getting better but its great that u have a site like this to help people out :)

  26. Jane 27. Jun, 2007 at 1:44 pm #

    Sophie – I watched that video and was angry too… but if you think about it, it sort of makes sense. I’m sorry you went through so much, that’s hard on anyone and I can honestly say I’m proud that you are getting better. People here always seem to have words of comfort when you need them, and are great people to get to know. Don’t give up hun :o )

    Jane x x x

  27. Sophie 27. Jun, 2007 at 7:15 pm #

    Jane – Thanks heaps…. …I help anyone out that is upset even if i don’t know them… im never mean to anyone everyone say’s im one off the nicest people they know what makes me feel better about my self.. I also did a self help program back in year 10… where you learn about stars and black holes, it is only in south australia, I kept the book that i did when i was there, saying what i wanted to do when i was older, and how to feel better that also has helped me out, I try and not hurt my self anymore as I now know how much it hurts people in the end, so i write down my feels… im glad there is boards like this out there…. so people can get some advice, ive only just turned 18… and have seen heaps that people have been through, and some day accaully want to help people who have been through what I have… I was only 15 when I started cutting my self 3 years now… pretty young age to even think about death… but i relise now that it is wrong.. but it seems like a new fashion these days…. one thing someone told me once that neve left me and I tell other now these days, is “You don’t want to die, you just don’t want to live, it’s not something you want to do… life has its up’s and down and you seem to struggle with the down, but you know as well as I do, you’ll be happy in a few months time, might not be easy but you’ll get there, your a strong person, because just remember suicide is a peremant solition to an in-permenant problem and it will hurt others more than you are hurting now” yeah it might sound lame… but that is what also helped me and its true!…. people who usually do commit suicide don’t want to die, they just dont wanna live through the problems they are having… also another thing i got told was “- you have been given a life, some people have no chance at life, some people are killed and die when they dont want to – That is sad. – you have this gift of life and you shouldnt abuse it by giving up on yourself” sorry its a long comment :) hope to chat again soon!

    Sophie xoxo

  28. Soph 03. Jul, 2007 at 1:11 pm #

    This is a different Sophie to above posts.

    Hello, Mama and everyone. I don’t have an ED, oneof my best friends does, and my other friends and I are currently helping her through it. I admire you so much for what you are doing here, Mama and, if you feel as if I’m tresspassing, please tell me, but…

    This year, for my GCSE coursework in Food & Nutrition, I’m doing a title I made up on anorexia, how more and more young people are being affected by it and what sort of things they should eat to help themselves recover and get the nutrition they need. I would approach my friend for her help however, as you could guess, it’s a sensitive subject and any mention of it sends her spiralling further back and all progress made is lost.

    Therefore, any information would be a huge help but, as I said, feel free to tell me if I’m outta line here.

    Best wishes
    Sophie

  29. Ernie 06. Jul, 2007 at 2:36 pm #

    You prove, angels DO exist!

  30. Roxy 09. Jul, 2007 at 4:23 am #

    Hello, I found your blog/s when I was google-ing proana sites, a morbid curiosity of mine. I have a n extremely close friend who has been anorexic (and on the path towards it) for over a year. She is a naturally beautiful girl who was a little overweight before she became sick. She has had a traumatic life, both parents died, was moved from family member to family member and was bullied. About 2 years ago, her doctor diagnosed her with polycistic ovaries and told her she needed to lose weight. So she did. She went from bingeing to starving, over and over again. Right now she is still losing weight, despite her efforts to eat a wider range of food. I have been having many d&m’s with her, but I feel that I may be hindering her recovery. I am very overweight and I see her early days before anorexia in me. I have shocking eating habits, despite my desparate attempts to become healthy. I myself have issues, although not nearly as pressing as my friend’s. I really want to help her, not just because she is asking for it, but because I want to give it to her. Do you think that my weight and low self-esteem will have a negative effect on her? I know that this may be a hard thing for you to judge, but I really value your opinion. Do you have any suggestions on how I can help her get better? I realise that each case is individual and that what has worked for one anorexic may not work for another, but please, I am desparate for any advice which may possibly help. I am doing my best to understand the disease and not make assumptions about it, although I will not pretend that I fully understand how she feels. I have tried to explain it to people in vague terms because I do not want to tell them something that is incorrect. I just keep saying that it is a mental illness and that she cannot be blamed for becoming anorexic. Am I right in saying this? Most people just say “Oh, if she eats she’ll be ok.” and “Why doesn’t she eat more? Stupid girl.” But I think that it will take a long time for her to fully recover. I know this comment is long and arduous to read, mostly because I am extremely emotional at the moment, but please, just give your opinion, and if possible, some advices.

    Yours truly.

    p.s. Snaps to you for beating your ED and wanting to help people. Angels like you are rare and truly are a gift from god.

  31. sarah 15. Jul, 2007 at 8:10 am #

    Thankyou for being there, I found you on youtube when I searched pro mia, I needed to not be alone with this and you’ve stopped me from being alone. You weren’t exactly what I expected to find, but I’m glad I found you.

    xxx

  32. sin 16. Jul, 2007 at 1:49 pm #

    Dear MammaV,

    Wow..amazing blog found it by on yourtube.
    I am recovering from an ED in the Netherlands.
    You really touched my soul
    Thank you for showing your honesty.
    It is a great gift to see inspiring people like you.

    Sindy N

  33. Ghost 17. Jul, 2007 at 4:22 pm #

    keep up the good work mamaV, may you be a light for those in a dark place to guide themselves home by.

  34. mamavision 21. Jul, 2007 at 8:23 pm #

    Hi Ross: I am set up for donations…I had to think about this for a while before launching it, since I wanted to have a plan before collecting funds. Please click on the navigation button on the top of the blog that says mamasDONATIONS and if you would still like to be a part of the cause, please do!
    Thank you for encouraging me to do this,
    mamaV

  35. mamavision 21. Jul, 2007 at 8:24 pm #

    Hi Ghost: You sure have a way with words. Thank you, when I receive comments such as yours I know I am doing the right thing here.
    Take care!
    mamaV

  36. PrincessAmie 25. Jul, 2007 at 3:51 am #

    hey Mama!
    Ok i have been reading some of the posts on here and im horrified! Ok i understand we are here because we all have one thing in common, we are all sufering from some sort of eating disorder, but when i came across someone post about how they tell there 10 yr old child to stop eating and suck her tummy in, i was shocked, no i was more than shocked i was so mad! I cant believe that a mother would be so selfish. I am horrified that people think that because a mother has her own insecurities that its a good enough excuse to say such horrible things to a ten year old child! I am horrified and i am pissed off to the fricken max! My mother told me the same thing when i was a child, and look at where i am now? Im not saying its my mothers entire fault, but gosh she played a huge part! Layla you are supposed to be your daughters rock, she needs to feel like no matter what she does, looks like etc, that she feels ok at home, that she is ok for who she is. You are her mother and i cant believe you would say something so demeaning and hurtful to a child! If your daughter is overweight, you have made her like that! You are the adult and it is your responsibility that she is eating correctly! I am so pissed off and i dont feel sorry for you, because no eating disorder makes you say such hurtful things to a child!!!

  37. Becky 25. Jul, 2007 at 8:41 am #

    hey mamaV-

    I am new at this, which i heard about from a really great friend of mine i have noone that will take time out of their precious lives to listen to me, so i thought i would turn to you.. i feel i am a waste of time to everyone.. now i am not into it to bad but i have purged 3 or 4 times.. but my most concern that i would love to get help with is that i am a Cutter and I have a Borderline Personality Disorder and I am what they call Maximum Depressed.. I was Molested when i was younger from age 4-7.. and then i turned 13 and i got raped but a older male.. that was 27.. i am 16 now and i am having lotts of troubles with my life, it seems i have nothing to live for and i just want to leave this cruel life..it seems i can never get along with my mother.. she can be so evil and it is like nothing i can do for her is right.. i always do everything wrong, i have made many suicidal attempts before, but i keep on failing.. because someone or something of some sort is stopping my mission, which kinda pisses me off.. but i just tell myself o’well, and quit, and fail my mission.. something is keeping me here.. and it is very frustrating.. i need help.. please reply back..

    <3 always Becky

  38. Becky 25. Jul, 2007 at 8:50 am #

    Mama V-

    I think what you are doing on here is very helpful.. to all of us that actually have no female or mother fiqure to talk to.. and me myself can say that i am happy i found you.. because u are very understandable.. an everyone likes talking to someone that is understandable that a person that isnt.. you make it very easier to talk 2 u!.

  39. Mary 25. Jul, 2007 at 2:43 pm #

    Thank you again and I thought you were from outside Chicago judging by your accent!

  40. Becky 26. Jul, 2007 at 7:59 am #

    well today i am feeling kinda down and i just ate 2 pop tarts.. yuk.. but neway today i have already been fighting with my mom and its not even noon.. its going to b a long frikin day!.. nebody get back wit me.. <3 always Becky

  41. Anne 26. Jul, 2007 at 1:08 pm #

    Mama V–I stumbled onto your website and I love it, what you’re doing is so essential…I have to admit I still look at pro-ana sites from time to time (my last hospital stay, one of many, was six months ago, and I consider myself to be moving towards recovery)…I’ve been dealing with this stupid anorexia more than 10 years, and I’m 22 now… voices like yours, voices of sanity, give me hope. You’re a light in the dark. Keep it up.

  42. Terra 26. Jul, 2007 at 11:52 pm #

    Hi M:

    I’ve just stumbled upon your site. We’ve vaguely similar pasts, yet I’m not where you are yet…maybe in the future. There’s a certain acceptance, though not positive, that comes with long-termed eating disorders and well, all psychological problems, I suppose: it’s too hard to move on, so you accept that it’s your future. Maybe, just maybe, that means you accept yourself (at least a little bit).

    I’ve looked through some of your articles and I’ve added you to my feed. To be honest, in the past half hour, you’ve become an inspiration to me, of a sorts.

    Thanks.

  43. pixie 28. Jul, 2007 at 8:12 am #

    Hi MAMA,
    I am so grateful that there is a voice of reason in the eating disorder community. You can save many lives and heartache. Thanks

  44. Jen 04. Aug, 2007 at 2:58 pm #

    Hi. I just saw your video on youtube. You were born in August-so was I. But I think I am two years older than you. I just got a book that talks about the “underground” for Ana’s. I have a myspace profile where I go to talk to people who understand… but that’s about it. I have watched a few videos on Youtube, but I have not found alot of support. Yet in reading the book I have, it talks of how people want to shut these sites down. Have they suceeded? Because I haven’t found any yet that are accepting new members or places to go to chat …so I am still pretty much “alone” in this. I have dealt with anorexia since I was a young girl and I have had recovery and relapses all my life. Right now I am so very fat from past medications and now that I am “balanced” and not taking anything, I have started being pulled in again. I am not “pro” anything. I don’t fit in “anywhere”. All the girls dealing with this are teens or in their twenties. I am not. So many girls say they WANT to get sick. I don’t. I want the choice to “do it my way”, but I think now that I am older and wiser and have been through so much healing, that “this time will be different”. I have a lot I want to talk about with people that are NOT self destructive. People that don’t have so much baggage and use it as their identity. People that “get it”, without being self righteous and judgemental. Know of anyone? LOL

  45. mamavision 04. Aug, 2007 at 9:13 pm #

    Hi Jen: Can you tell me the title of the book you are reading about the ana underground? I am curious because I am embarking on a new publication and I am curious to see what else it out there.

    Now on to you…first I am glad you are here. It sounds like you have had quite a struggle and are still in it. I think you’ll find here there is a diverse age group. many girls come here when they are sick of the whole proana thing.

    What do you mean by “doing it your way?” Not sure I get this because unless this means trying to get out of this hell cycle, I don’t know how you can “do this” in any healthy sort of way, do you know what I mean?

    I do believe some search engines shut down proana sites, I am totally opposed to this. As I always say this is just sticking your head in the sand. Plus I am very much for freedom of speech.

    After a year of doing this blog, I have started to conclude (but reserve the right to change my mind!) that this is all about self esteem at the core. I think where I can help the most is helping girls gain their self esteem back as they live within this beauty, thin obessed world. Somehow I got mine back so I think I can lead others in the right direction.

    So, not sure if my comments help at all, so feel free to clarifiy where you are coming from so we can chat more. I encourage you to surf around and read the posts, you’ll likely find some support here and some very intelligent, compassionate women who will befriend you.

    Take care!
    mamaV

  46. mamavision 04. Aug, 2007 at 9:16 pm #

    Hi Beth! Great to hear from you…and thanks for the encouraging comments. Yes, this effort has various directions it could grow.

    Amazingly a blog has a global reach, I hear from women from China, Scotland, UK, you name it, they are here.

    My newest venture is I’ve been offered an opportunity to publish some “mini books” sort of a series on this topic….thinking about this, not sure where this will go.

    I hope all is well!
    Take care!
    Heather

  47. mamavision 04. Aug, 2007 at 9:19 pm #

    Hi Kim: Nice to hear from you, yes life is sucky and damn hard sometimes isn’t it? I hear you…but guess I have learned to at least try to look at challenges as part of the planned journey.

    You make a key point about weight and self esteem. Its as if the lower you get, the more you hate your body. I am the heaviest I have ever been, turning 38 in a few weeks and proud of it! I’ve come a heck of a long way from that insecure, model at 16. Thank god!

    Hope you’ll stick around and keep posting, you obviously have some good insight!
    Take care,
    mamaV

  48. mamavision 04. Aug, 2007 at 9:22 pm #

    Hi Terra: Glad to hear you are inspired. I think you’ll find a lot of inspiration here from the girls as well. There are a lot of intelligent women who have been to hell and back, some still in it and they are not afraid to express themselves.

    There’s just no happiness to be found with ED, none. Its a dead end, that’s why I try to focus on self esteem issues and acceptance…and also be realistic about the sucky things about life that are just hard to deal with…such as the world we live in being just totally honed in on beauty and being thin.

    Nice to meet you and hope to hear from you again,
    mamaV

  49. mamavision 04. Aug, 2007 at 9:25 pm #

    Hi Becky: You have suffered so much for your young life….but you are still here and I hope you can start to believe there is a better life out there for you.

    Who can you talk to- are you in therapy or do you have access to therapy?

    Glad you are hear, lets try to get you on the right path,
    mamaV

  50. Sarah 09. Aug, 2007 at 3:45 pm #

    What is this new publication you are embarking on?

  51. gemma 11. Aug, 2007 at 12:52 pm #

    hey mama v,
    i think what you are doing is really amazing …good for you i just wish there was more websites like this for poeple with other problems too…but keep it up xxx love gem xxx

  52. Kasie 19. Aug, 2007 at 8:50 am #

    Hey mama V,

    I can say that im angry at your suicide video, It made me a bit angry yes, Im going through depression, my parents don’t know, I dont intened them to know, why? because i dont think that will understand, why am I depressed, because i have been abused from a friends, an ex, my best friend died, my other close friend died and my dad is really sick, I can’t handle things much more, i self harm have tried suicide, some of my friends know that i feel this way, and it hurt them heaps, ive lost friends through it, i self harm to cope, i used to be on depression tablets but stop without doctors notice, and was drinking alco at the tym also, i drink to forget about problems to, i dont think i can ever over come self harm i dunno?, i have done it since i was 15, i am 18 now, im ashamed that i cut myself, but it helps me, i wear jumper n jeans 24/7 my mum noticed scars once saw em, asked what they where i said, i scartach lots, she believed, my friends have noticed it killed them inside. im tryin to get better but its hard… but thanks for the viedo.

    Kasie

  53. Michelle 24. Aug, 2007 at 9:37 pm #

    Hi mama V. I have come to your site several times but have not ever left you a post. I am not much of a writer or commuincator like you. You are so elequent in the way you inform the public. I have lived with anorexia for years and seemed to be doing well for so long. But resentlly I feel the negative voices coming. I am in school and just recently lost my father. I think the stress has caused me to slip back into my dangerous pattern I dont know how to change it now. I find myself going days with out eatting or am in the gym for hours. Your site has shown me that there are girls that suffer in all kinds of ways. I never wanted to admit I was anorexic because like you I did it to stay thin but some how it took on a life of its own. Do you have any suggestions on how to switch from being obsesive over exercise ( I push myself to go further everytime im in the gym) I know what the end result will be (logically) but seem a one demention look when im actually in the gym. All I see is 10 mor minutes. I know this may be a ramble, I hope you can understand my jumbled speach.

  54. mamavision 24. Aug, 2007 at 10:22 pm #

    Hi Michelle: I can relate to your issues because I did the same, the whole exercise obsession thing just spirals until you eventually injure yourself. In my case, the only thing that stoppe me was a herniated disk in my back-I could barely sit much less exercise.

    It was a blessing in disguise because I forced me to quit, and I realized I did not gain weight. I could eat like a normal person, a nice balanced diet with treats when I wanted them and I was ok.

    So what advice can I give you? First, its great that you are recognizing that you are slipping. I am so sorry for the loss of your father, if you were close, this is likely really going to put a strain on you. What do you think your dad would tell you to do? If he saw you slipping would he help you?

    Maybe if you visualize this, and think of how he would want you to stay healthy and focus on school it would help. Still bottomline you need to do this for yourself, but I thought I would throw it out there for you to think about.

    I also think its great that you reached out to me! That’s another positive step, so don’t overlook it. Are there others that you can talk with and trust? This can be scary but sometimes you need to give yourself a little push.

    I wish you the best, and I hope you are able to get back on that positive path in life.
    Take care!
    mamaV

  55. mamavision 24. Aug, 2007 at 10:23 pm #

    Hi Kim: Thanks! I was the big 38 on Wednesday! I had a great day, I happened to be in NY on business and my husband joined me. We had dinner in the Village, and talked about what an awesome life we have. I am blessed.

    Take care and thanks for remembering!
    mamaV

  56. mamavision 24. Aug, 2007 at 10:26 pm #

    Hi Sarah: I finally have more info on the publication. It’s going to be a short handbook, under 60 pages and available online for purchase under $5. ProAna is the focus, educating people and being a voice of reason as I try to do here.

    Keep an eye out in Sept, the plan is to launch at the end of the month. I am just finishing it up now.

    Thanks for your interest!
    mamaV

  57. Michelle 27. Aug, 2007 at 5:12 pm #

    Hi mama v: Thank you for everything you said. My father and I were pretty close so I agree with you that this has put a lot of strain on me. I have thought about what you asked and tried to imagine what my dad would have said to me. I miss him so much but cant see that he would have known there was a “problem” but It helped me to realize how I might be affect my family if I were to get sick. I feel so bad when I think about it and know that my mom has been through so much these last couple years that I want to try to do this by myself, without having to worry here unnecessarily. I have thought about telling my friends but don’t really know WHAT to say. Anyway I just wanted to tell you thanks and answer some of your questions. Thanks for Caring
    =}

  58. mamavision 29. Aug, 2007 at 3:04 pm #

    Hi Kim: No more apologizes! None are necessary. I emailed you privately.
    Love,
    mamaV

  59. Michelle 29. Aug, 2007 at 4:28 pm #

    Im totally freakin out. I cant stop. I dont know why or what to do. My emotions are out so out of control the other day I was on my way home from school and could not stop crying. I hope Im not posting to much I just dont know what to do. I fell so bad and so many bad thoughts are swimming in my head. Can anything help I feel hopeless like there is never gonna be a good day again. I cant even remember feeling happy and carefree. I use to be but cant figure out how to get back there.

  60. levo 30. Aug, 2007 at 2:27 pm #

    Are modeling schools scam schools

  61. slipping fast 01. Sep, 2007 at 11:33 am #

    HI mama V. I am writing because I feel so depressed and am having so many thoughts of how much better things would be if I just “went away”. I hate having these thoughts and am so scared because I dont have any apetite anymore and have dropped down to 90 pounds. Im 5’4 and know this is not good but I feel like if I can just starve it wont be the same as suicide. What do you think. Is there anywhere to go to find help. I have no where to turn and fear everyday that I wont have the strenght to go on.

  62. kensington 07. Sep, 2007 at 12:27 pm #

    hello. i found one of your videos via youtube. i find what you’re doing inspirational and if i was at an early point in my life (perhaps even two weeks), i would want to join the cause and help you with your project.
    the thing is i’ve gotten into a relationship, which has until now made me extremely happy. i’ve been without my eating ‘issues’ for the better part of 11 months. my fiance (boyfriend?) is now seeing another girl behind my back. i feel as if i’m slowly peddling backwards to what i know is a very scary place.
    i’ve struggled with an eating disorder for almost 10 years (i’m 19 now) and even though i don’t feel like eating right now (and feel as if i never will want to again), i’d like to know if you have any advice for me. thank you.

  63. Betty 08. Sep, 2007 at 10:56 am #

    hello.

    It’s my first time here,I have no idea what this whole site is about because I came on it due to a link on youtube.com a few minutes ago, where I saw one of your videos where you were talking about one of your posts , “Internet Suicide”.
    I’ve had a little form of anorexia&high on bulimia when I was 15 throughout my early 16′s.I was and still am overweight,managed to lose some pounds due to my love for football ( soccer as americans say) and rugby who inspired me to run more often.I recovered …I don’t know how actually.I’ve got them all ,ending with self-injury that left me two visible scars on my left arm.Somehow I’ve done it ,started eating , continued to share a laugh somehow.
    Had all types of problems, from school trouble , ending with family and men and friends ,leaving my city and my country, you name it.And now , I found myself not eating since about a week ago.It felt good.It still feels good,here in my stomach , as it is , empty.But my headaches are getting worse,I feel my lips dry and have a certain sense of deja-vu.Trying to reason with myself to this hour, because I am crying contineously for 2 days , every moment when I have no one around me.I used to eat when I was sad, now in exchange , my problems push me not to eat , from not having money to buy cigarettes to hearing about paying rent and finding a second job.
    I have never talked about this type of problems with anyone , except for some support groups on the net , rarely , and only because it was not necessary any real life contact,as I am used to take care of things by myself.

    So it brings me to today , in this late afternoon , after I watched your video.There’s a thing about you I liked immediately , I don’t know what exactly , must be the voice , the tone of the voice,the way you are harsh and in the same time really “mom”-like,the type of woman I would like to be when I am your age ( I’m 19 at the moment ) ,and that made me listen to the message to the end.
    It really got to me , made me cry , but since I’m crying out of anything these days , I might as well be ignored =P.I agree with everything you say, myself I was never pro-anorexia,and never visited any type of support group of the kind ( only self-injury ones whom I left due to my ” I have to solve it myself otherwise it’s not worth it “-issue), but it still got to me.

    I think your message should be spreaded even more,because , even if you say things many many people say,yours might get through better.Because I think you have a thing these girls ( maybe even me,why exclude me and think I’m any better or stronger ) need , like that certain type of mother figure , a bit harsh ,in the same time kind and intelligent.
    All in all , the message I want to get to you is thumbs up,I read also some of your other posts , out of curiosity and I can see you’re the type of person many us of lack of having in our real lives , away from the internet -someone determined,high-spirited who might not give us a hand but kick our asses forward.Because that’s how it’s truly done =)
    So I encourage you to continue,I think you are doing a very , very good job.

    Betty

  64. Danielle 15. Sep, 2007 at 10:42 pm #

    Mama V-

    I’ve been struggling with anorexia/bulemia since i was thirteen. i’m sixteen now and nothing has changed. everything started when i lost a family member that i was very close with, i felt that i had nothing else to control so if i started to control what i ate then i would feel better. i wouldnt eat lunch at school and my friends started noticing but they didn’t really say anything. it wasn’t bad though, then high school started and i would find somewhere else to be during lunch, like the library or a class room so i could avoid the cafeteria at all costs. i told my mom i had a problem before i went away for the summer last year. when i came back she got me help right away, and for a while, it was useful. then i stopped going and everything spiraled downhill from there. my guidance counselor at school found out and i had to eat lunch with her in her office sometimes and i was absolutely miserable. things got better at the end of the year though. then this summer, i became best friends with someone who was bulemic. after meals we would sneak off and throw it back up. she wound up getting sent home because someone heard her. no one heard me though. i got nervous and just stuck to not eating. the first day of school my guidance counselor took one look at me and knew right away. i see that my pants dont fit me anymore and i need a belt with everything but i can’t see a change in my body, if anything i feel i’m getting bigger. i havent eaten anything in three days besides a couple of grapes and some water. i like the feeling of being hungry-it gives me a sense of accomplishment. i know i need to break these habits. but i dont have anyone to really be like you need help because i keep everything so hidden. i’ve found myself lying to my mom about eating lunch or dinner. i’ll say i had a peanut butter sandwich and put a knife in peanut butter then leave it in the sink. i hate lying to my mom. whenever i get really upset i exercise and the more upset i get the more i exercise. my guidance counselor keeps tellling me that i will widdle down into nothing but i dont believe her because i can’t see what shes talking about. if you can offer any support and adivce i would really truely appreciate it. if you could email me back maybe that would be excellent
    Thanks for listening :/
    –Danielle
    -sorry for the rambling, i just needed to get that out

  65. marty 16. Sep, 2007 at 1:38 pm #

    iv been watching your videos on youtube for a while know and yet i have not heard you mention anything about the boys who suffer from theese disorders as you call them im 19 know and have been diagnosed with anorexia with bulimic tendendcies the first signs of this appeared was when i was 8 or 9 but suficently increased from the age of 12 i have been in many recovery programmes in the uk since then and after just being released at the highest weight ever at 11 stone 10 forgive me for my metrics being slightly different im still very much in the depth of this and at the moment struggling to maintain this weight and am find it more difficult as its mainly recognised in girls im not being sufficently treated as i would if i was a girl is there any particular reason you feel that males suffering with this disorder do not deserve a mention ? or had it never crossed your mind ? i know of a few others within the usa who have been refused treatment as they apparently don’t need treatment as much as the teenage girls !
    please let me know via email if possible you feelings on this subject
    thanks xx

  66. holly 19. Sep, 2007 at 11:26 am #

    I always feel really down about my weight. i am 13 and way just over 7 stone. recently i put on 2.2 lbs and felt so guilty about it. I can’t help myself, i just eat an then feel terrible. I have started to love it in school when we do running and stuff because i think of all the weight i can lose. but at the same time i think about all the people looking at my fat. my parents (who r not thin) have always called me fatty as a joke. but to me it feels terrible to here it. My older sister goes on proanna sites, and she knows about it. i go to boarding school because i can’t see propperly, and i hate it. none of the girls care about there weight and that scares me not to care. i need people to think about losing weight, it makes me feel secure to know others will.
    I don’t know how to handle this i need to lose weight. my aim is to be 90 lbs that would make me happy.

    xx

  67. Kim 21. Sep, 2007 at 1:39 pm #

    thanks for your latest video just be. i dont know what ill do yet but i want you to know how much it has meant to me to have you in the last month. you have made a difference in my life and i thank you and love you. xxxkimxxx

  68. Danielle 22. Sep, 2007 at 5:55 pm #

    I just came accross your youtube videos today while I was searching for more Pro Ana sites. I am happy I stumbled accross yours instead of spending another evening reading “thinspiration”. i’m currently in recovery from bulimia, after leaving the hosptial for the third time in the last two years. I think it’s great what you’re doing. I subscribed to your email and it’s refreshing to find someone who understands what we’re going through, and yet not lecturing us the way most people tend to do. So I just wanted to thank you for what you’re doing…it’s truly a real INSPIRATION…rather than thinspiration

  69. holly 24. Sep, 2007 at 3:38 pm #

    I don’t know what to do. today i ate a plate of pasta and i feel so fat. The boys at my boarding school keep laughing at me and saying i’m fat. I think i’ve put on weight. Do you think just eating 1 apple each day will lose me the weight i need to. I think i look so terrible.

    xx

  70. shazlan 25. Sep, 2007 at 4:29 am #

    hai there .. my god u called ur self old..baby dearest ur the most beutiful mama i have ever seen ..( compared to other natural mama’s at the age of 38 ) by the way u look like 29 or most 31 to me..anyway i like ur bloq .. live life full babe….dang u wer beautiful b4 n ur still a beauty today phweeettt…

  71. Deb 30. Sep, 2007 at 9:08 pm #

    So much pain in the world … thanks for being one of the good guys!

    Not sure how I found your site. I have no eating issues (except a weakness for chocolate), but somehow I stumbled upon your blog.

    Anyway, I’m impressed and touched that you would take the time. Keep it up! The world needs more heros.

  72. Bethany 02. Oct, 2007 at 9:03 am #

    Hello Mama! My name is Bethany and I came across your video while looking for pro-info information to do a public awareness ad for my Graphic Design class. I am 21 years old and struggled with anorexia in high school and am soooo thrilled to exclaim to the world that there is hope! I no longer struggle, my mind is on higher and more important things and I love life. I can relate to every single girl who has posted on here and i remember the pain clearly. I remember that I could not picture my life without worrying about food and my body, I thought I had no choice but to worry. I could tell that you can see through all the lies now as well and that is why I knew I had to write you. I can tell you in completele honestly that I let go of anorexia in a weekend. I said goodbye to it forever. It didnt take long, it was a choice on my part. I agree that anorexia is a lifestyle that you can choose to immerse yourself in as a way to cope with the fear of weight gain, but as soon as I saw the truth about these irrational fears, I could let go. How did I see the truth? I hit rock bottom one night and cried out to God for an answer. I felt so dark, so diry, and ugly. I read the Bible and saw words like love, hope, joy, but these words held no true meaning in the depths of my soul; all I knew was ana. I ended up in a faith based program called the Weigh Down Workshop (weighdown.com) it targets people who struggle with obesity and other addictions. It was this program pointing out to me how my lifestyle choice was actually arrogant and controling. I learned that I had my selfish wants in the center of each day and the answer to reversing this was exactly what you sad; I needed a new passion. I’m telling you that I FOUND ONE! one that does not rob me of friends, happiness, time, peace, but it gives back! Doing what God wants each day is now my passion. Instead of idolizing the thinnest girls I knew (I particulary admired Mary-kate Olson) I now look up to people of strong love and faith in the Bible; these people were courageous enough to let go of their means of control, that is the bravest thing in the world. I eat normally now, I love all foods and pray for God’s help when I eat, he shows me how much my body needs and as long as I eat with that kind of moderation and control; I enjoy it and am thankful for it! I am at a right weight and havent gained any weight (well maybe a few pounds that I needed to) since I gave up ana. IT IS WAS ALL A LIE! ALL THAT FEAR AND CONTROL FOR NOTHING! But I needed to take a leap of faith and let go before I found that out. I hope that this story helps others find hope for true freedom. Freedom is not doing what you want, that can end up being slavery; freedom is loving something outside yourself; freedom is loving God and others. weighdown.com is awesome and there are online classes availble. Please let me know if you want any more information. I thought your talks on you tube were true and right, thank you for speaking out.

    happy and free,’
    Bethany

  73. andrea 04. Oct, 2007 at 10:58 am #

    hi my names andrea im from belfast in northern ireland i cant say i suffer from an eatin disorder buh i no people hu do have eatin disorders i think wat u have 2 say is very important n young girls should listen…
    i have always recieved a slaggin because i hav a big bum, buh da be honest thats der problem i can deal with it n if a big bum is at the top of my worries i wood be lucky (far from it).. any way as u are speakin from experiance you no wat ur talkin about fair play till ya and good luck till every1 bubi xoxox

  74. Sam Neylan 10. Oct, 2007 at 9:58 am #

    HI! I just found your site and am really interesting to read more. I’m trying to watch the video on your ‘ABout Me’ page but YouTUbe says it’s ‘restricted’…how do I get ‘backstage’? thanx so much

  75. angela 10. Oct, 2007 at 10:48 am #

    Hello. I just found your site through browsing on WordPress. Your work is commendable. Thank you for being a source of hope and inspiration for people suffering from eating disorders. I hope feeling hopeless continued to be encouraged and find hope.

  76. Karen 12. Oct, 2007 at 11:31 am #

    Hi there–

    I was perusing the Pro-Ana site today and somehow stumbled across your
    YouTube video, the one with you in the car.
    Your words resonated with me.
    I have suffered with an ED most of my life, starting at 15
    and I am 41 now. I am also married with a son, who has
    developed good eating habits. I still struggle most days with
    the thoughts and behavior. I’m afraid if I don’t stay in control and on top
    of things I will get fat–and that’s a place I don’t want to be.
    For the most part I am doing much better.

    Thanks again for the videos and words of inspiration and the blog.
    Your modeling pics resemble a young Grace Kelly, one of my favorites.

    Peace and Hope,

    Karen

  77. Vivian 15. Oct, 2007 at 8:25 pm #

    Hi, MamaVision!
    you’re awesome!
    I watched your videos and I think you’re amazing, your kids are so lucky to have you as a mom! (:
    Well, I’ve been bulimic for two years. As I read in some comment, I have chosen death, too. But I think that if I had a mom as YOU, I would want to be alive. Because my mom does not care and she only wants me to be thin, she doe not care if I starve, I need to do something to be extremely skinny, to be like my cousins ¬¬all of them are models. I’m not so fat, but I want to be extremely skinny, I trust you understand me…

    Well, I’ll love to have the chance to talk to you

    vir91_00@hotmail.com

    love,

    you’re amazing

  78. Hannah 17. Oct, 2007 at 8:37 am #

    ive like seen all ur videos on utube n stuff, one thing i wanna kno is how can u jus tell everyone wat they r doing is wrong all the time ok i understand that u went through it all bt still its not wrong , its the way life and people should be allowed to do it without being critised all the time, its a feeling everyone gets when they look in the mirror and they look fat those people as u like to call it anorexic are just doing something about it so because they want 2 change who they are becuase they hate themselsves and the way they look nothin wrong with that if they are just trying to forget the past nothin wrong with that

  79. Hannah 17. Oct, 2007 at 10:45 am #

    ok sorry tht comment was kinda uncalled 4 especially since i guess u r helping some people out im sorry , its just i look at some of the stuff that uve done and 2 me it kinda seems as your brain washing people a little bit… im 17 n u might think i hav an e.d personally i dont think i do, im 5ft 11 n weigh roughly 118 lbs i suffer from manic depression and self harm daily, i only eat for 4 days a week (monday through to thursday) starting with 100 calories mon, 200 on tues, 300 on wed, n 400 thursday, i cant eat on the other days cause if i do i just hav to purge it up , my starve days i drink 3 litres of water plus one can of red bull to get going, ive had a very bad life in my short time of living to include family breakup, my father dying n my sister commiting suicide, ive also been molested by 2 of my brother at a very young age and have been date raped, n tried 2 commit suicide as well so there isnt too much else that can go wrong for me , no1 really gives a damn about me ive been self harming for 4 years and no one has ever noticed , sometimes i jus constantly punch myself in the stomach to stop myself wanting to eat bt anything is better than purging but as a last resort its fine

  80. Kim 17. Oct, 2007 at 1:56 pm #

    thanks mama v for everything. xxxkim

  81. Nameless ... 26. Oct, 2007 at 5:00 pm #

    Dear MamaV,
    Hi. Im 15 and think i may be anorexic. To be honest, i dont really know whether i am anorexic but i think i might be. Well, ive been feeling down lately and thinking my tummy looks like a football. I told my auntie Mae but she told me not to be ridiculous :S
    Also, people at school tease me and poke my ribs. They call me scrawny and it makes me cry. When this happens i slit my wrists. It hurts but it makes me feel better. Then i’ll look in the mirror and be depressed again.
    Ive been sticking a toothbrush down my throat .. well, ive been doing it for about 4 months now. But its not working. I look even fatter! And it hurst when i rest on my back when i sleep and sit and things.
    About 2 weeks ago my dentist was looking at my teeth and said to my mum he thinks im anorexic. I dont know how HE knows :S:S:S …
    Mum doesnt care, daddy did but .. he died a few years back.

    Please help! Am i anorexic? :S

    -Nameless …

  82. To: Nameless 29. Oct, 2007 at 10:17 pm #

    Nameless, I’d like to talk to you. E-mail if you’d like. Yourmomac@sbcglobal.net.

  83. Rome 06. Nov, 2007 at 6:46 am #

    hi mama.v!

    my name is rome, im a teenager who lives in Australia, and have suffered from anorexia/bulimia/overeating for the past few years, resulting in several hospitalisations.

    i stumbled across ur videos on youtube whilst watching a documentary about an e.d clinic in the U.K, and found all you videos very insightful and you came across as an incredible person!!!

    i’m not pro-ana, never have been never will be, i would not want to wish anorexia/bulimia or any other e.d on my worst enemy, yet alone encourage others to strive to starve themselves. it is nothing short of a miserable life, where nothing you ever do is good enough and no matter how thin you get it’s never thin enough. by the time im ‘thin enough’ i’ll be dead, cos even when i was put in a wheelchair i was still convinced it wasnt good enough.

    since my last stint in hospital i’ve gained some much needed weight and after 2 years have got my period back again. but the mentality has barely changed. everyday i wake up hoping today will be the day i lose weight again and il become thin, and that this time it will make me happy.
    i have never gotten over my anorexia, i have merely replaced it with equally bad habbits (ie. bingeing then purging, bingeing without purging, thus equally rapid weight gain, my body is in turmoil)
    ino the thing that is holding me back from delving back into my old anorexic habits is my ‘authentic’ self, the part of me that doesnt want to be sick or starving, and luckily is strong enough at the moment to tell the other part of me to fuck off and let me eat.
    but im scared one day it’ll take over again..
    something will tip me over the edge and i’ll get sick again…

    even my own mum tells me i’ve put on too much weight and that none of my clothes fit me well and that i need to lose weight.
    for god’s sake, all my clothes are from when i was sick and dying, i dont want to fit into my size 0 jeans, or go back to wearing childrens clothes… she doesnt realise that by saying that stuff to me she’s feeding my anorexia and what it wants to be hearing…
    i dont want to be sick but bingeing and purging my heart out its slowly killing me

    i want to get rid off this
    i want to be e.d free
    but im not strong enough
    i have no life its taking over my everything, and seeping into every crack in my life.
    what do i do?????
    i have no idea where to turn, especially when my own mother is unaware that she too is fuelling my eating disorder

    ino you probli get a gazillion emails and most likely wont even read this, i dont blame you im not really worth spending time reading wat i write, its pretty stupid, but while i was looking at ur site i just thought i would anyway. cant hurt.

    anyway..congrats on a fab website and the work you continue to do, its fantastic! if only there were more people like you out there!!!
    you’re amazing.
    thank you for sharing you passion on this serious issue with everyone else, because you will save lives with the awareness you are creating.

    have a lovely day

    Rome
    xoxo

  84. Tabs 07. Nov, 2007 at 10:29 pm #

    Hey MamaV,

    I’ve been writing pretend letters to you in my notebook. Crazy, isn’t it? But they help me. I decided to leave this letter here.

    I decided to stop binging and purging and, it hasn’t been quick, and it hasn’t been easy, but I’ve been b/p-free for almost a whole week now. I think I’m really sick, though. I’m afraid to say dying, because I’m not ready to give up yet. I have a lot to do before I can just say the hell with it and drop off the face of the Earth.

    The fact is, MamaV, my stomach doesn’t work anymore. I can’t eat very much without dealing with a whole bunch of gastrointestinal woes that you don’t need to know about. (But to give you a hint, Pepto and Immo. AD have been my friends.) Sometimes I feel better. Then the attacks come on and I keep pressing on.

    Life goes on during and after an eating disorder. You can go with it, if you like.

    I get depressed, discouraged, and angry a lot. I don’t see any of my counselors or doctors anymore. I let off steam at you, even though you can’t see me because I’m invisible behind this wall we call the Internet, the World Wide Web. I’m silent, too, save for the clickety-clack my fingers make against these keys as I type.

    Mom is angry. She says it’s because I don’t get enough protein that I feel so horrible. Maybe she’s right. My stomach swells so much it feels like my skin will rip open. My stomach skin sags a bit, too, from all that stretching. I’m tired a lot, and never hungry, and I tell myself I’m beautiful whenever I look in the mirror. I believe it more and more as the days go on, even if I do miss being so thin I can see all of my collarbone.

    I contemplate suicide nights like these, where I can see the knife block just across from the computer room. It frightens me. I’m going to keep going, MamaV, but knowing the option is there. . . how long would it take to bleed out on the floor? And what would the funeral be like? Would there be a procession? Would someone give me a eulogy? What would they say?

    Tabs was a quiet girl, a nose in a book, always. . . you’d think she was really smart, but she really wasn’t. . . more like an encyclopedia, she knew a lot of stuff, but only a little about each thing.

    I wonder why my posts here disappear so often. Is it because I scare you? Do I annoy you? Are you frustrated with the fact that I can sit here and type, type, type these meaningless messages to you? Don’t worry, I feel that way about myself, too, writing these messages to people who have nothing to say to me. This is the anonymity of the internet, these are the wires that we, the fringes and celebrities of the world, travel across.

    I write to you this sea of words, this cacophonic symphony of personal truths. What we do, what we write, what we think and say, echoes in eternity.

    We all echo in eternity.

  85. Kim 08. Nov, 2007 at 4:18 pm #

    tabs, i too am still suicidal and like that it is always available when the time is right. i am glad you are here though and i would miss you if you were not here. one of my friends gave me a quote once when she knew i was down and i still carry it with me, “the world would not be complete if it were not for the fact that you happen to be here”. please take care of you and stay safe xxxx

  86. Tabs 10. Nov, 2007 at 9:25 am #

    Hey MamaV,

    Look at that, writing to you again, already. It’s only been three days. But I’m so happy I just had to tell someone this.

    I’ve been binge/purge free for nearly a week now! A lot of my stomach pains are subsiding and I’m almost completely convinced that I am a good person, no matter what I look like. I’ve learned how to avoid my triggers and I’m getting the hang of practicing moderation. I think I’m always going to eat a little too much candy, and exercise a little too much (I think both those things are a lot of fun), but I don’t care. I just don’t want to be unhealthy or feel bad about myself over it.

    I think some people upstairs wanted me to stop binging and purging too, to get on with my life. As I was walking home I spied a shiny black box in the dirt. I thought it was broken, so I almost passed it by.

    But I didn’t. I bent down and looked it over.

    It was a real, functioning, Nintendo DS Lite. You cannot make this up. I felt grateful and rewarded for my suffering.

    Whenever I’m tempted to binge, I look at that DS Lite, or I meditate, and realize that there are loads of good things to come. It’s going to be a difficult, sometimes miserable journey, but I’m too young to let myself go so easily, MamaV. I’m going to be a pharmacist and write novels.

    Maybe I’ll write a novel about the experiences I’ve had as a bulimic. I should have plenty of material. It’s been almost six years now and tons of both good and bad have happened in between them. My life is never static.

    I don’t feel quite free from bulimia, yet. But once I am, I’m going to trash every diet food in the house. I’m going to rip out pictures of too-skinny women in my magazines. I’ve got a fire burning in me, MamaV, and its all green lights from here.

    When I’m free from bulimia, I don’t think I’ll be coming here anymore. I won’t be writing you anymore of these clickety-clack, annoying messages and you can get on with your blogging and with helping other girls (and boys?) like or unlike me. This is going to sound strange to you, MamaV, but it was you who made me realize how destructive my behavior was. Once I realized what I was doing to my body, mind, soul, and even my future, I really worked toward getting better.

    I just hope I don’t end up like the girl in Go Ask Alice. Have you ever read that book? In the end, the anonymous writer decides to stop writing in her journal, then she dies. . . I hope that, when I decide to stop writing to you, I won’t die but I’ll go on to be the person I know I’m capable of being.

    I can’t believe the changes that have taken place in three little days. It’s as if my soul has shifted, as if a cloud has been lifted from my eyes.

    So, I’m going to sign off and go exercise (not to purge, but because I want to dance) and then I guess I should do my homework. My binge-purge cycles came in worst at the beginning of the school year and I’m still pretty far behind. Catching up, but still behind.

    Good luck to you, MamaV, and I hope you help other people through your blog.

  87. Ana 12. Nov, 2007 at 10:35 pm #

    hey mama!!!

    i’ve seen some of your videos and it makes me happy to know that there is someone out there that is trying to reach out to young people like myself.

    im not anorexic nor bulimic, ive never actually had a problem with food i love food!! lol this probably has you thinking “ok what does this have to do with the subject” well…its just that im a naturally thin girl not thin as a twig skinny but just skinny. ive always been underweight no matter how much i ate, but this subject or anorexia and bulimia has come up many times in my life where people assumed that i was anorexic or bulimic because of how thin i am. i don’t look sickly skinny but just enough for someone to think i have a problem you know?

    now looking at young people wanting to be skinny to the point of looking like a twig makes me sick to my stomach, because sometimes i wish to be a little more fuller you know? lol just fit better in clothes, better than i do now. but i’ve always felt that because there are people out there thinking they’re too fat that they’ve become a problem in my life. a problem i’m gonna always have to fight about being “anorexic” when im not at all!! that i can’t be as skinny as i am unless im literally sick!! and it just makes me very angry because i just want people to stop examining my body and just accept it and move on.

    im comfortable in my skin now…and its taken me years to get to the self esteem i have now and the confidence to go with it, but lately this whole anorexia and bulimia thing has been thrown in my face quite a lot lately and i don’t mean to blame anyone but just can’t help it but blame them. i feel bad to even write this down because i know that they are trying to overcome this problem. i don’t mean to sound parochial but its just ridiculous how so many people like myself want to be a size 2 when a size 5 or 6 or bigger is just as beautiful. i don’t know…i just want people to stop thinking that they’re over weight look in the mirror and just be happy with what they see.

    keep doing what your doing mama, you just might’ve saved a life.
    always ana

  88. Tabs 13. Nov, 2007 at 11:34 am #

    Hey MamaV,

    Why do I keep writing to you every three days? I swear, this is becoming a freakin’ habit. . .

    Anyway, still no binging or purging, which is good. I feel like a fat moron. I can see rolls of fat boinking over my belt line. I haven’t been able to exercise. I have an upper respiratory tract infection and that keeps me floored. In a way, it’s been a good thing, though. I’ve rediscovered my number one passion: novel writing. I’m even beginning to draw a little bit, too. I still miss running, though.

    I realize that I can’t live my life and be a total exercise freak, so I’ll lose that uber-fitness I had before. I’m going to miss that a lot, MamaV. I’m going to miss being able to see every rib on my body, my entire collabone. I’m going to miss the hollow look in my cheeks and every bone and tendon that pops out of my hand. I’m going to miss having so little fat on my butt no pants fit right. But as long as I’m healthy, I really can’t complain.

    Health is so precious, MamaV. We don’t realize how precious it is until it slips away from us and we find ourselves on the brink. As human beings, we’ve been doomed to live this way. More ironic, we’re doomed to warn people and not be listened to. I tell people to not go on drastic diets, that they look beautiful and are wonderful no matter how much they weigh. Yet they still continue to beat themselves up, the starve, to binge and even purge.

    . . . No more binging and purging, MamaV, I can’t believe how good it feels to have my digestive system back on track. Funny thing, once I stopped binging and purging, even though I purge through exercise, once I stopped, my gums and teeth stopped hurting, too. A lot of the aches and pains I had learned to live with began to fade away.

    And then I strained a muscle. Heh.

    I’ve got to stop writing to you like this. But it’s so therapeutic. I like writing to you, MamaV, because you’re like the therapist who just sits and listens, eternally silent, yet somehow. . . I don’t know. That’s the anonymity coming through again.

  89. AlexaaaA 13. Nov, 2007 at 2:08 pm #

    Why you took out the memorial??????????????

  90. Tabs 18. Nov, 2007 at 8:13 pm #

    MamaV,

    I’m really sick. I got hit with a stomach bug, then a head cold, then–boom! It was bronchitis. I’m still coughing like hell. I hope I don’t get pneumonia.

    My stomach has gone wacky, too. I’ll spare you the gory details, but let’s put it this way: my digestive tract, from the esophagus down, is one f—-d up system. I really regret binging and purging. I almost regret stopping. Before I stopped, I had reasonably good health, even if I was depressed. Now I’m achy, I get headaches, I have so many gastrointestinal complaints, I get dizzy, nauseous, and hyperactive.

    Mom doesn’t do anything, of course. She just says, “too many veggies.” F—k you, Mom, all the way to hell.

    Am I going to start binging and purging again? No. I probably wouldn’t feel any better in the long run. If anything, I’d feel worse. I’m d—d if I do, d—d if I don’t and I think I’d rather not binge and purge, if for nothing else I don’t have to worry about my stomach splitting from enormous amounts of food.

    I remember those feelings, where my gut bulged and hurt so much I was sure my stomach would tear open, spilling hydrochloric acid and steaming chyme onto my sensitive organs, like my liver. I remember breaking into a sweat whenever I stood up after such a gut-tearing meal. I remember not being able to breathe well, I remember the acid reflux and the knowledge that I couldn’t take an antacid because it might expand in my stomach and–well, then what?

    Now that I think about it, ever since early October, my stomach has been off the charts. Distension, bloating, cramping, pain of all sorts. . . I really need to see a doctor, but like that’s ever going to happen.

    I wrenched my lower back, too. Did I tell you that? If I did, sorry. The fact is, I thought the pain was just in my glutes and hamstrings. Turns out it was in my lower back from when I wrenched it playing hockey at school. The pain goes all the way down to my right calf, now. I’m hoping it gets better. I want to start training for a triathalon or something. And I want to look kind of buff. Screw being bone thin. I wan’t some muscle definition.

    It’s so sad. I have a friend who obviously has an eating disorder. Binge-eating disorder. She eats and eats and eats and never gets any fuller. She’ll go through boxes of PopTarts, but she doesn’t purge. I’m afraid for her. I can’t do anything for her, though. Who’s going to listen to someone recovering from bulimia?

    No one listens to you at all, when you have and/or are recovering from an eating disorder. Last week, I talked with a college professor–someone you’d expect to be very intelligent–about doing a speech on bulimia and anorexia. I wanted to stress that once people “caught” an eating disorder, it was pretty much there forever. My professor was very ignorant and unsympathetic when she said, “Don’t sound like such a weakling. Don’t be so depressing.”

    F—k you, professor. I wake up on most days feeling like I’m going to kill myself. I press on. Am I a weakling? Every day, I want to binge, but I force myself to take a walk or I chew gum.

    Am I a weakling?

    Despite the pictures of bone-thin girls everywhere I turn (and males, too, and I’m ashamed to say I think bone-thin males are sexy,) and diet articles galore, I still manage to keep a relatively normal life. My stomach constantly hurts, I never feel healthy anymore, yet I continue to get out of bed; I go to school; I go to my job; I write novels; I do my homework (well, usually); I sometimes even manage to go out on the town these days. I rarely let a negative thought bombard me about my body (no, bones are not hot, but that muscle rippling across your back is), and when I do get hit, I continue to exist.

    I don’t lay on my bed, languishing. I don’t cry or weep or wail. I don’t go to my nearest therapist or psychiatrist and spill my woes to the world.

    D–n. I’m a weakling? No, no, you’re the weakling, professor. YOU’RE the weakling for being so inconsiderate, rude, ignorant, and heartless.

    I needed to get that off my chest. The idiocy of the professor’s remarks still scathe me to this very day. I still remember the blank, cruel look on the professor’s sagging features. I still remember the jokes cracked between the professor and another student.

    F–k you, professor. You’re stupid. You’re a weakling. Anyone who can face down an eating disorder and can continue to function on a relatively high level in life is so, so strong. I applaud the people who have gone before me. I cheer for the people who are yet to come.

    We need some kind of public announcement. Like any chronic disease and/or addiction, eating disorders do not disappear. They are there, wherever and whenever. Even if you compare it to an addiction, realize that many drug addicts report they can’t go places where they used to get high or they’ll start again. They can’t have one little bit of the drug or it’s back on the pretty ferris wheel. I wish there was something I could do, MamaV.

  91. Sugar 20. Nov, 2007 at 10:52 pm #

    hey mammav,
    i am very glad that i’ve found your website through google. because, well, i’m just really grateful to know that SOMEONE is doing something, and really trying to help. I know you mean well, and i think it is great that you are here to balance us out. There are too many of us, way too many. And it sounds crazy, but i see you as this force thats trying to balance out the darkness. Hah! I think you’re doing a great thing. Its weird, if you think about it, how i just want to save all the girls from destroying themselves, how i just want to hug all of them, and tell them that it’ll be alright, when i am commiting the same crimes they are. So i am in no right position to do so. I have no right to tell them to stop. But you do. So thank you. And i have to apologize for being that “darkness” you have to balance out. Sorry for being one of those girls who praises someone for just eating 300 calories that day.

    Keep up the good work, mammav.

    <3

  92. "Key" 21. Nov, 2007 at 4:17 am #

    Hey Mamma V!

    (Sorry for all the following errors in my writing… English is not my language :)
    .
    I’m a 18 years old girl from Norway, so it was kind of a occurrence that I ran into this site. I was actually looking for thin inspiration (thinspo)

    Hmm… This site really pisses me of… Or maybe it’s the fact that it doesn’t that makes me angry… This whole morning, weeks, months, have I spend on pro ana sites… I actually have a network with friends on some of these sites…
    But I know its crazy…

    I can see you haven’t been here lately, but anyway, here is a short summary of my story…

    I have felt fat since 1. grade on primary school… My childhood is marked by physical and mental violence… but however… I started to have a little “Strict” relationship with food. But on this stage it was not sick… just training an eating healthy… But this continued…

    I think if I remember exactly, that I thrust my finger down in my throat when I was about 12 or 13 years old… Oh god… I can still feel the pain… But the most surprising thing is that this physical pain vanished after a while with some weeks with purging, I had period of starvation and periods when I hang over the toilet 24/7, or walked the dog to my secret place in the forest to get rid of it all (my parents could not get to know anything…).

    My relationship with my parents, and my older aggressive brother was never good. And I was a girl with dreams, recourses, straight A’s, a lot of friends, but still I was not perfect enough. All this years with trying to be god enough, so they didn’t had anything to nag on me for, so they could not blame me for all the problems, so the could not get a reason for threading me like they did.. But on the other hand I thought that I was the reason for the miserable life and all the problems in our family. Everything was my fault…
    I fight a lot with my father. I was a stabber girl with a lot of anger and own meanings. It ended often with a sprain and with me me running away to all of my friends and adults I had learned to trust.
    Specially one woman. She became my saving float for three long and instructive years, and she iss still one of my closest friends. You remind me of her… Well anyway…
    For three years ago I started in treatment, but I did not have enough motivation. Fuck all these stupid shrinks and doctors… When I look back, I can see how crazy and scared I was. The could not get any way with me, so they nearly sent me to hospital, but the choice felt on a mental hospital for youth.. This did not work at all…

    This whole place and ideologies made me a little rebellious child. The mental treatment system in Norway is fucked up. At some part I think that I was not ill enough for this kind of place. They treat you as a stupid little miserable person, with no control over feelings and self insight. I had all of this. During this time I had been removed from my home, because my school contacted the child welfare.

    In the middle of my “treatment” at the mental hospital, I got a new permanent home. I had moved form different temporary alert families the last 8 months.

    When I ended my treatment, and stayed home for the summer and autumn, I recovered with an extreme speed…

    I love my guardians I had never in my life trusted and loved someone this much. Bu I also love my biologic family, because I now see the whole thing in another view. They had their problems and poor them… I can’t change who they are… they have to do this by themselves, but i can take them for what they are, and learn from it so ill never going to be like them.

    Everything is about taking action in your own life.
    I had dreams and hope. I want something out of my life. I have laid the plans for my life and want to live them out. I’m the happiest person on the earth for the moment, I’m alive… But on the other hand, there is this part of me who continues controlling food, training, who starves me, purges and take laxatives. Why? Oh god why?

    The only thing I can figure out is that I want to be perfect skinny, strong and amazing… But I know rationally that there is a deeper explanation. ‘

    I want to be so skinny that no one dear to nag on me. I want to show everyone how much self control I got… *sick, I know* And I also know that all of these thing happening in my past is stuck on me, and a lot a little girl in the age of five have repressed.. I know I have to deal with this entire thing now, but it’s so hard because I don’t know what I have to deal with. What m, I going to find when I dive down into the dark bottom of the ocean. Scaring and retiring…

    I was nearly totally recovered for 9 months ago, but I messed it up.. There was a period of too much pressure, so now I’m back and my anorectic bulimic voice is so happy.. I think I’m too… But maybe this visit has given the real me a little power… Maybe… But right now is the conception “healthy” far far away..

    Take care and take responsibility for your lives… Only you can change it and do something about it!

    (I’m truly sorry for my terrible English…) =S Hope you understand what I have written…

    Love ”Key”

  93. Key 21. Nov, 2007 at 9:10 am #

    Sorry.. I meant Mama V, not Mamma V :D

  94. Key 21. Nov, 2007 at 9:18 am #

    And there are missing som letters in some words + my grammar application on my writing program has changed some words.. Bu.. Ok.. Hope you understand anyway..

  95. kim 21. Nov, 2007 at 4:51 pm #

    hey mamav. just really struggling to just survive right now and could use some positive thoughts and even some prayers. i dont know if i can or will make the right choice, but i do know that this site has been helpful to me and for that i am truly grateful. thanks all, i love you guys xxxkim

  96. Pennie 25. Nov, 2007 at 11:56 am #

    hiya

    at first i would like to say that everything that you have said on here, i dont quite understand, your saying that you had an eating disorder? and now you are saying that you think its all allot of bull? i am confused..but anyway, i would like to say that the pictures of the girls you have on your website, well, its wrong to have put them there! i mean some of those girls more than likely suffer from problems that you could never understand, and by putting there pictures on this website its more than likely going to make it allot worse, but i think your pictures are very pretty! the ones of you modeling, and im glad you didn’t fall into the trap of become stupidly thin by the pressure of the public :) well done!

    but do u ever think that you are pressurizing the girls on this site, i mean you are saying they are ugly, not the exact word but you are commenting on there looks and i dont think they would appreciate it. i am a model myself, and badly for me, i have fallen into that same trap, i wish i haddent now but i keep saying no to food when i should be saying yes, i want to say yes, but something inside of me says no. It went away for a few weeks, then we moved house and its came back, also i think it cam back cause, i lost allot of weight and i was scared if i just carried on eating, it would come back, so ive lost allot again, and i want to loose more, but its hard to stop.

    i hope that you take it into consideration that maybe the girls you have posted around your website do the same, not on purpose but because they have fallen into anas trap, i am NOT pro ana, i think the stupid little girls who do it are selfless, they want to be skinny, like the models and girls they see on tv for example mary kate Olsen, they use her as an example of thinpiration! she is NOT pro ana, she has anorexia! there is a big difference’s! and the “pro ana girls” dont get that in there heads! they dont understand the girls they want to be like are suffering! they are stupid and should stop making Inspiration of hope, into thinpiration! it needs to stop!

  97. Britta 26. Nov, 2007 at 11:22 pm #

    Hi MamaV :)

    I came across your YouTube video accidentially, but it was as if I was meant to see it.
    I suffered from Bulimia for 9 years and don’t currently purge anymore, but still have the eating habits of a bulimic.
    It was incredibly difficult to hide my disorder from everyone I knew, even my parents. I never told anyone until the last few years. I stopped purging on my own, without treatment, but I would never want another person to feel as if they have to do it alone. It’s so horrible to feel so much hate towards oneself, when all we really should feel it love.
    I think it’s incredibly wonderful of you to speak out about these pro ana websites. I have seen them before, and it has always scared me that young girls can so easily access them.

    Being a woman is scary, for so many reasons. One of the biggest things that scares me is that if I have a little girl, I might pass my self esteem issues down to her.
    Nobody really teaches us how to deal with things, and after internalizing these issues they come out in physical ways. So many girls self harm, and many people don’t realizing it but even negative self talk is harmful.
    Our bodies, our souls, and our hearts are so fragile, we must take care of ourselves mentally, emotionally and physically, or else we won’t be able to enjoy anything about life.
    Why do we starve ourselves? Is it because we think that life will be better? Well is it really going to be that much better from a hospital bed?
    I wish there were a way to get the media to focus on healthy women. They are out there, but the press is just so concerned about diets and who is skinnier than who, it’s just head spinning to try to keep up with.
    So anyways, the point of this long rant is to tell you that I think what you are doing is wonderful, and much needed in our society.
    You are so caring and loving, I can tell in your videos and posts. You have a way of making everyone feel as if we already know you, and you are such a great female figure.
    Is there any way I can help you do what you are doing? I feel very strongly about these issues, so please let me know. Thanks again MamaV

    xoxo
    Britta

  98. Lille 30. Nov, 2007 at 2:48 pm #

    ok :) ive had enough not only are u ignoring me but u are making it seem like u have done nothing wrong, first on ur new, pro ana privacy page, it says size 8 in amareica is a plus size U ARE WRONG!! its size 12 to 14!! i know that for a fact! so dont write stuff u dont know is true! and i have had enough, all you have done is put more pictures of young and innocent beautiful little girls! and taking them out to be hurried freaks of nature! u are sooo ignorent, i am fed up! i am going to make some contacts and report you as a pedophile! u sick and twisted bitch! all u do is be mean to these girls, with there half naked pictures and post them all around ur websites! u are disgusting! some of them are ad least 14! and u are treating them like crap! u are horrible! and many people are getting fed up with it!

    i dont care what or how long it takes but u will be put in your place!

  99. Jessa 05. Dec, 2007 at 1:14 pm #

    I just happened to stumble across your Utube video on Pro Ana Nation, I found the link at a pro ana website that I am a regular of. I just wanted to thank you for that video. I just think you are so inspiring, and I love how you speak without judgment. I had to come flying right over here to this website to check you out and I am so glad I did. I love this website, I love your videos, your brilliant.

    Thank you for being you.

    Jessa

  100. UKchick 07. Dec, 2007 at 1:43 pm #

    Hi mama v i have been reading your blog for a while and have been too afraid to comment coz i am quiet a shy person. I am a teenager with an eating disorder and i have to admit when i was at my lowest point of my disorder i turned to online ana “support sites” for support and understanding. Although i did find a few close friends on these forums that really understood me and helped me being on these sites just made me feel worse than i was already feeling. Most of them where full of thinspo and tips and i believe if you truely have an eating disorder you dont need these things. I am now struggling with recovery and i am getting better day by day.

    I love your blog and everything you write on it. keep up the good work.

  101. Tabs 08. Dec, 2007 at 10:32 am #

    Hey MamaV,

    Writing to you again. I thought I was getting better, but I think I’m going to die. I just want to swallow a dozen caffeine pills and trigger my arrythmia so I can die already.

    I’m tired of the nausea, bloating, distension, diarrhea, pain, and loss of appetite. I’m tired of negotiating the bazillion opportunities to eat. I’m tired of fighting the thoughts of calories, exercise, weight loss, weight gain, cooking, eating, and reading articles on dieting.

    I’m tired of a society that values my body more than my mind, heart, and soul. I’m tired of looking in the mirror and seeing that I am perfect just the way I am, but being unable to accept it. I’m tired of the fact that everyone else around me is overweight, but I’m expected to be skinny.

    I am tired of my mother yelling at me because I feel sick. I am tired to being ignored. I am tired of listening to people call me a weakling, or not-sick, because I have bulimia and not anorexia. I’m tired of my step-father, who just glares at me and calls me an Ethiopian. I am tired of the school nurse and my friends, who all pretend to care.

    I am tired, MamaV, so very tired. And when people are tired, they rest.

    Some for eternity.

    Ages ago, or what feels like it, I was a warm-hearted, healthy child. I didn’t look bony, I rarely felt bad. My mother was my friend and nobody looked at me funny. My mind wasn’t constantly occupied with food and weight.

    I have here, MamaV, three cans of Pepsi. My heart is very sensitive to caffeine, and it’s already overworked from overexercising. If I drink these cans of Pepsi, my heart will beat too fast and I’ll go into cardiac arrest. Or I’ll have an asthma attack and suffocate.

    I don’t care, MamaV. I’m so close to drinking them. The shiny blue cans beckon to me, the brilliant letters of PEPSI taunt me. The aluminum can is so cold and through it I can hear the caramel liquid fizzing.

  102. kim 11. Dec, 2007 at 2:50 pm #

    mama v are you ever coming back? you are missed, the site isnt the same without your presence.

  103. Nats 22. Dec, 2007 at 5:34 am #

    Tabs babe, you ok?? I know your hurting babe but dont give up!! Im here if you want to talk same goes for you Kim xxx

  104. Katrina 27. Dec, 2007 at 1:44 pm #

    May I ask – “ballerina-gil”, have you read the latest threds on cerulean butterfly/red bracelet project discussion board about her. I noticed a post here about her being so ill. I don’t know if you are up to date. Could you please email me? I’ve known Gil for over 10 years,

    Thanks
    x

  105. Meesha 28. Dec, 2007 at 12:48 am #

    Dear MamaV,

    I am another person who found your site purely by accident. Glad I did. I used to be anorexic at 15. When my parents figured out one time that I had not eaten in three days they started making me sit with them and eat. They also made me cut back seriously on my workouts. With swim class, swim practice, free swim at night, the gym for three hours and a 2 hour workout at home I was working out about 10 hours a day. This is where the purging started coming into play. I have been battling bulemia now for 16 years. I have studied all of this I have tried to come up with logical answers for why. I try so hard to stop it and I can’t control it. I can’t stop. I tried to get help and the only person in this town that specializes in eating disorders is booked and will call me. I got on the waiting list two months ago. My mom’s side of the family always made fun of me growing up. At 7 they put me on a diet because I was 100 lbs. I went down to 80. My own mother was singing the fatty fatty song to me as a child. My dad’s mom always based your worth on your weight. I would get comments such as, “you looked so good the last time I saw you, what happened? And of course you had the kids in school who come up with names like Shamu. Now being older and having men base your worth on your weight it doesn’t help. The enamel on my teeth is going, my hair has been falling out. I am absolutely terrified of what it is doing to me internally. I know there is no quick fix and it will be something I fight forever, but I just don’t know where to begin anymore. I too am a mother of two wonderful beautiful children and I cannot keep going like this for their sake. If you have any advice on where to start I would greatly appreciate it. In the meantime I am just going to keep reading your site and watching the videos. Inspiration is always a good thing.

  106. whostolethetarts 01. Jan, 2008 at 9:20 pm #

    Hullo MamaV. I came across your videos by chance. Your website has made me think about a few aspects of my life.

    Thankyou :)

    L x

  107. julian 15. Jan, 2008 at 7:27 pm #

    hi mama

    i am a healer and have recently found myself dealing with several clients with eating disordered histories, anorexics in their families or who themselves are therapists treating eating disorders.

    cruising around the web educating myself a little more i found your site and have to commend you for the incredible service you are providing.

    this is such a little understood and hard to treat illness. it’s great that there is a healthy role model/voice out there for young women.

    thanks

  108. Jacquelyn Ekern, MS 19. Jan, 2008 at 5:28 pm #

    This is a wonderful blog full of inspiration!
    Well done. Please check out my website at
    http://www.EatingDisorderHope.com and perhaps we can exchange links?
    Warmly,
    Jacquelyn

  109. Emily 20. Jan, 2008 at 4:06 pm #

    Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

  110. Allison 22. Jan, 2008 at 11:31 pm #

    I used to want to model so badly! I’ve been told I have the face for it and I’ve been told that I am too fat. It’s really good to know that size 7 is considered “fat”, don’t you think? I’m 19, 5’7″, 130 lbs. and I’m looked at like I’m obese. It totally rocks. Thank you, society! So ultimately my goal is to get myself down to 120, that way I won’t be afraid to go to the beach in a bathing suit, or wear skirts, or tank tops…

    Why aren’t there more people like you in the world? Thank you for starting this site. Hopefully it opens the eyes of the people who still have time to avoid this level of obsession with body image.

    Curvy is sexy, gals! Trust me, more men are interested in the curves. And if anyone ever calls you “fat”, it’s only because they are truly jealous that you are sexier than them.

  111. Tom O'Dea 05. Feb, 2008 at 11:43 pm #

    You’re what the world needs now! A higher thinking individual.
    Thank you.

  112. Lauran 13. Feb, 2008 at 12:04 pm #

    Hi mamaV

    Thanks, so much. I’m only twelve, but my big sister Stephanie has had anorexia and bulimia since she was fifteen, and she’s almost nineteen now. I used to watch her and want to be like her and I stopped eating just last year and tried to make it through a year eating only when Stephanie did, but she caught me and told me to stop it because she didn’t want me to be sad like her all the time. I didn’t listen to her, because since daddy didn’t think there was a problem with Stephanie and since mommy (mommy’s dead now, she died because she slit her wrists when she was depressed. I don’t usually tell people that because then they look at me with big eyes and call me “poor little girl” and it sucks. You kind of remind me of mommy- because she used to look at me with the same kind of eyes you look at the video with, and it made me listen to you. ANYWAY) … since mommy thought Stephanie didn’t have a problem either, I believed them, instead of her. Now I only weigh 76 pounds, and I’m 5 feet 2 inches tall, and I can’t do the things I used to do.

    I’m not getting prettier, I’m getting uglier. I’m not getting more perfect at painting, because my hands shake too much. I’m not getting better at running, because I take two steps and get light-headed. You are right mamaV, I can reach out and somebody will help me.

    Thank you for making me listen- I love you, mamaV.

    ~Lauran RaeBekka

  113. Lauran 13. Feb, 2008 at 12:15 pm #

    um- I just posted, but I wanted to leave my e-mail address just in case you wanted to write back to me, because I would appreciate it but I know you’re probably too busy like most other good people, but I’ll leave it and pray anyway.

    lauran_raebekka@hotmail.com

    you can also get me at my sister’s e-mail

    steph89@canada.com

    Thanks mamaV, please if you have even a minute to say hi, please write me.

    Love, Lauran RaeBekka

  114. kim 20. Feb, 2008 at 3:52 pm #

    heather, im not making it. im sorry. thank you for all you have done for me. i really did try. xxxkim

  115. Anon. 29. Feb, 2008 at 1:45 am #

    Hi Mama V.,
    I don’t know if you are still active in replying to people’s posts, but I would just like to express my opinion on this whole “ultra thin” craze on the fashion industry.
    First of all… good on you! I am twelve years old, nearly thirteen, and of course girls like me need someone to look up to. I am happy to say you are one of the fantastic women in my life who I look up to!
    I admire your choice to quit the fashion industry because you didn’t want to put yourself in a position where you always had to be “high maintainence”. I want to be a high fashion model when I’m older too, but I’m having second thoughts about it because firstly, I may not make the height, and secondly, I want to be able to respect myself enough not to starve myself to death just so I could be “beautiful”. I was thinking of becoming a writer instead, if modeling doesn’t work out. I was a child model when I was younger, and ever since I quit about four years ago I’ve been eager to pursue modeling again. Ever since I discovered your amazing website a couple of days ago when I googled the word “thin” (ha, amazing, isn’t it?) I have been sooo inspired by your move to give up the job a million girls wanted. Girls these days, I think, don’t realise the pressure young models are subjected to in the fashion industry. The pressure to be thin is extremely tough. I wish young girls knew these things.
    So basically… thanks. Your website has opened up so much hope for young girls who either have an eating disorder, are bulimic or are starving themselves to death in order to be “beautiful”.
    You are the BEST! xx

  116. joy 13. May, 2008 at 2:49 am #

    i feel this is all easy for you to say because clearly you have lived a dream life never struggling with being overweight. i think you are a hypocrite to tell everyone else to not do what you have obviously benefited from, modeling your thin body. you even said you were grateful for your modeling career? I feel like you are saying oh I can but you can’t, because well I know how to do this better than you.

  117. B 25. May, 2008 at 6:51 pm #

    I’ll have to read more of your blog later when I get a chance…if I get a chance as life is extremely hectic. My husband actually mentioned this site to me in a recent conversation and I suppose I’m nosy so I had to check it out. You seem to allude that your eating disorder arose from modeling but now with years of time to reflect and work through things do you still feel that way? I’m in no place to challenge you on this because it’s your life and I don’t have a clue I’m just curious.

    I would be the first to say that the modeling/entertainment industry have their own inherent risks and within the industry there are definitely bad influences (but unfortunately there are in any profession). I think a lot of times the industry gets blamed for the actions and problems of individuals. I am sure that there are girls who learn dangerous things and pick up bad habits but the same could be said sadly for any junior high classroom in America and it gets worse from there.

    I think a lot of times we look much more at the end result than really seeing the root cause. You can argue that the industry ruins lives or you can suggest that those in an already unstable place gravitate into this industry. I would say that was my experience. Although I didn’t realize it at the time I think my eating disorder began in my early teens in boarding school before I started modeling. Things deteriorated with modeling I suppose you could argue although I think that had more to do with other issues in my life very unrelated to that. Ultimately with help from some good friends I put things back together and returned to modeling.

    I met the man who is now my husband about 5 years ago when I was in the very early stages of being “healthy” again but we didn’t become close or start dating until about 2-3 years ago so he really had no idea I had ever struggled with anorexia nervosa. A bunch of things (sexual assault, the death of a sibling, and unfortunately more) left me in a rather dark place and I suppose I returned to what was familiar. Recognizing I had a problem wasn’t an instantaneous thing (is it ever?) and realizing that I needed to not only ask for help but be willing to do the work myself took even longer. I’ve now been in recovery for a little over a year and married to someone who as sappy as this sounds does truly complete me for about eight months :)

    My husband before he was my husband was very quick to want to blame all my problems on the industry and it was hard for him to understand why in the world I would continue to model. In reality I think I relapsed not because I returned to modeling, not even because of the rape but because although I on the surface did so well for years I really had never addressed the things I needed to the first time around.

    All of that said I have reservations about my baby sister modeling but it’s something she currently wants to do and I think she’s much better doing it with my supervision and support than alone. I also know all too well that the darkness in her eyes is already there, and it’s going to be there even if she never smiles for a camera. That darkness comes from her childhood and that’s something she’s working on.

    I didn’t mean to write my own novel but I guess I have.

  118. Madison 13. Jun, 2008 at 9:23 am #

    For every good comment you get you probably get a bad one, and I don’t mind being a downer. You were never thin enough and never pretty enough. How does that make you feel?

    Advice? Leave people alone. Get a life and quit begging for money to spread your bull shit around.

  119. Diane Taylor 14. Jun, 2008 at 12:28 am #

    Heather!!!! Oh my God!!! I’ve tried to find you for 20 years. The internet is a wonderful thing! I left a comment on one of your pages. I didn’t recognize you untill I heard your voice. What you’re doing is commendable. Kudos! I’ve been so far out of the “stupid” modeling” business for years! Everyone says to me that I should still model. And I have, a little runway show here or a small time shoot there. But, honestly; it bores the shit out of me! There’s absolutly no satisfaction in people telling me how great I did, or how cool it is that I lived and modeled in Europe. Because, that life was hard. Sure there were parts that were priceless. Like, the time your “boyfriend” Luca came to the door, and we hide from him. And Pia was always naked accidentally when guys came over! Remember? And I’ll never forget(in fact, I tell this story often) the time in Milan when you broke your foot, and you continued to work out; and one day we were trying to catch a tram and I looked back and you were on the ground! That was some funny shit!!! I was like”Heather… where are you?” And I looked back and you and your crutches were totally horizontal!!! Wow! Those times were priceles! I try to remember the good that I got out of being in Paris and Milan. I’m just that way about everything. Being positive is the elixer of life I think. My oldest daughter is half Italian, and completly gorgeous! But she is so unaffected by modeling and being thin! She is tall(of course), but very grounded and secure. She has lots of friends,but only a few that she’s close to. She’s like me in that way. I’ve always considered you as one of my friends for life. So you have to realize by finding you, it’s very emotional for me. I hope that you will contact me… my email is – dj-taylor@comcast.net or call me directly at 501.541.7681 Take care, and hope to talk with you soon. Diane Taylor-Duncan

  120. greenbunny78 12. Aug, 2008 at 6:38 am #

    Wow. I only just discovered this blog yesterday, but I have to say, you are awesome. I have not seen everything you have said, or read it all, but I agree whole-heartedly with all of it. Its a shame I only discovered this at a time when you seem to have moved on to other things, but such is the way of life.

    Its interesting, because I come to this having suffered from anorexia and bulemia, having, in the past, been a memeber of many “proana”sites and groups. Now, I am recovered, and a mother of 2 as well- with a nearly 2 year old daughter. I am always terrified that either of my kids will pick up on my negativity with food and my body, so I work very hard not to let it affect me. I won’t say it isn’t a struggle, because it really can be. But I have gotten fed up with my self-worth being tied to the numbers tagged on my clothes or on the scale. Screw that. And it makes me glad to know there are people out there not only trying to make a difference, but actually making one.

    Recovery IS possible. Its hard, but it CAN be done. I feel like I am proof. I just wanted to say, thanks for being you. And, in my opinion, you are more beautiful now than in your modeling pictures.

  121. Janemarie 06. Sep, 2008 at 6:59 pm #

    I’m kinda hoping you don’t read this, I’ve only posted on the site today as I’ve drank a bottle and a half of baileys (it’s been months since I faced the site) but I just googled you (mamav – obviously your real name!) and it made me smile to see your blog on your PMP Sway thing, I’m glad to see you aren’t embarrassed to be a part of our lives.
    Semi-tipsy love
    Jane

  122. Tiffany 30. Sep, 2008 at 8:36 pm #

    Get a life if we want to diet like this its are biz.

  123. smudgeruk 01. Oct, 2008 at 9:47 am #

    “Get a life if we want to diet like this its are biz.”

    Hey Tiffany – rather than telling others to get a life, you might want to work on your spelling and grammar, hmm?

  124. S. 21. Dec, 2009 at 4:31 pm #

    Dear Mamavision, i have a question..
    Everyone keeps going on about how being ana is not an ed. it’s just a wannarexic..
    I wont lie, i do go on ana websites not to find support but more as in keep me from eating, which is mostly willpower.
    I don’t want this disease, nor do i want the health consequences though i can’t eat normally anymore..
    Everytime I eat I feel terrible and normally i just dont or when i do i take laxative etc.
    Does this mean I’m a pro-ana? am i a pathetic wannarexic?

  125. Sehr Zeb 21. Dec, 2009 at 4:32 pm #

    My name is Sehr, Im a 23 year old university student from Islamabad, Pakistan. I recently stumbled across the video blogs on youtube, while searching for something else:)I dont know why I clicked on the one I did, that led me to you, but Im glad I did. I love the pictures of you as a REAL person as opposed to the, we have to concede, super lovely pics of you as a model. I like how your eyes and voice are calm, and you are happy to be alive and have anough heart to be doing this. Your philosophy of life is one that I share. Thank you for all your hard work.

  126. mamaV 21. Dec, 2009 at 4:32 pm #

    Hi Sehr: Wow! How exciting it is to receive a message from you all the way from Pakistan–the web is an amazing thing. I am glad you like the YouTube videos, I really enjoy doing them because I can show more of my sincerity that way (on the blog I can be rather harsh and sarcastic). I hope to hear more from you in the future, feel free to join the mamaVISION facebook — and check out my new collective body image blog at WeAreTheRealDeal dot com, it would be really cool to hear your perspective from your culture.

    Take care!
    Love,
    mamaV

  127. how to get rid of diarrhea 24. Dec, 2011 at 8:38 pm #

    We’re a group of volunteers and starting a new scheme in our community. Your site offered us with helpful info to paintings on. You have done an impressive job and our whole neighborhood can be grateful to you.

  128. Thinspiration Tips 27. Mar, 2012 at 4:57 am #

    Lets hope to hear more from you finding out when you need it, feel free to join the mamaVISION facebook – and check out my new collective body image blog at WeAreTheRealDeal dot com, it would be nice to hear your point of view through your culture.

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