mamaVISION

Time for a hiatus gang.

Family comes first, and I need to pull back for the time being. Since I will not be checking the blog or my email, I will be turning off the ability to comment.

I will wait a few days to turn off commenting on the Forum to give everyone a few days to exchange contact information.

Enjoy your summer girls.

Keep your chin up. Surround yourself with positive influences, and don’t ever, ever give up on yourself. Each and every one of you have hidden your true potential deep inside, and you do have the ability and strength to build a better life for yourself. Reach out to others, keep reaching. You will find support, and you will find the help you need.

Love always,

mamaV

I had to post a few images from the inside of the new book My Beautiful Mommy, since a peek inside makes this even more of a joke.

Check this out;

Pea-head Dr. Michael has been pumping some serious iron, and I doubt this dude has 8 legit certifications to hang on his wall.

Here Mommy dreams of being a beauty queen as she assures her little girl she needs to be prettier. Are you fricken kidding me?

Here Mommy explains in her half shirt and flat stomach how she is going to have a bandaged tummy and nose. Um…where exactly is this fat that is going to be removed from her midsection?

The author has stated this book was written partially for women who undergo surgery after pregnancy… but doesn’t explain what a nose job has to do with post pregnancy. What a total farce.

Sometimes I think I am in the twilight zone. Am I alone here?

-mamaV

New book on the market, just in time for Mother’s Day!

My Beautiful Mommy  is saving children from the psychological damage that occurs when their mom goes under the knife and comes back home unrecognizable. 

New nose, new boobs, a few tucks here and there…it ain’t mommy no more is it?

Totally warped cover of My Beautiful Mommy

According to Newsweek, The target market for this genius creation kids ages four to seven and features a plastic surgeon named Dr. Michael (a musclebound superhero type) and a girl whose mother gets a tummy tuck, a nose job and breast implants. Before her surgery the mom explains that she is getting a smaller tummy: “You see, as I got older, my body stretched and I couldn’t fit into my clothes anymore. Dr. Michael is going to help fix that and make me feel better.” Mom comes home looking like a slightly bruised Barbie doll with demure bandages on her nose and around her waist.

The text doesn’t mention the breast augmentation, but the illustrations intentionally show Mom’s breasts to be fuller and higher. “I tried to skirt that issue in the text itself,” says Salzhauer. “The tummy lends itself to an easy explanation to the children: extra skin and can’t fit into your clothes. The breasts might be a stretch for a six-year-old.”

The book doesn’t explain exactly why the mother is redoing her nose post-pregnancy. Nonetheless, Mom reassures her little girl that the new nose won’t just look “different, my dear—prettier!”

I am all for parents spending the time to explain to their children why they are compelled to beautify themselves, since why should the child suffer the consequences.  But the cover….c’mon.

I know from experience, children are very sensitive to how a parent looks, and they seriously react if a parent’s look changes. For me, my son used to freak when I took off my glasses, its like he did not even recognize me. He would look up at me, kind of scared, and I was surprised by that. Even today, if I pop in contacts for a night out, both kids say “mom, you look weird, we like you with your glasses.”

A few other random thoughts to ponder:

What do you think about the word “Beautiful” in the title? There’s all sorts of twisted things I start thinking about here, especially for daughters who are likely to start thinking beautiful equals fix, cut and change.

Remember the show The Swan? I read a story about one of the contestants that could not adapt to her new beautiful face, and regretted her decision since she ended up feeling like she lost her family heritage and connections because she looked so drastically different than her mothers and siblings. I never really thought of this as a consequence of plastic surgery, did you?

I am rambling here, but I felt like bringing up various topics for discussion. Plus it’s Friday and I am wiped out, looking forward to the weekend.

Love you all,

mamaV

$47,000 fine and up to 2 years in prison….

$71,000 & 3 years in the slammer….

Drug bust? Prostitution? Polygamy?

Nope, these are fines and penalties for promoting Deadly Thinness

This is the real deal girls, France, the country that defined haute couture, launched Europe’s most aggressive assualt yet on the promotion of ultra skinny body requirements so near and dear to the hearts of the Fashion Industry.

The French National Assembly approved unprecidented legislation that would make promotion of extreme dieting a crime punishable by up to 2 years in prison and fines as much as $47 grand.

Am I dreaming??!(&#*(%&#(%

“It may mean that we won’t be able to publish anything,” squealed brainwashed editor of France’s Elle Magazine Isabelle Maury. “If they decide to strictly implement it, it could mean that every fashion show and magazine will be banned or charged.”

Get a grip on reality lady.

This quote makes me sick. It is so very indicative of the warped attitude of the Fashion Industry that has been prevalent for years.

Next step…the bill heads goes to the Senate. If passed it will officially be ILLEGAL to “provoke a person to aspire to excessive thinness by encouraging prolonged food limitations.

AMEN!

-mamaV

PS Feel free to stalk the bastards at the Council of Fashion Designers of America and ask them what the hell they have been up to.

Phone number 212-302-1821

Email Form Here

Miss Bimbo is an online beauty contest designed around our society. I am amazed at the total freak out over this game, especially since we created this world, we feed it so now marketers are cashing in on it.

Pure capitalism at it’s finest.

Launched in February 2008, Bimbo is so popular, their servers crashed and the creators can’t even keep up with the demand, so here is the basic concept per Wikepedia;

“The aim of the Miss Bimbo beauty contest game, which was launched in the United Kingdom in February 2008, is to make your virtual “bimbo” attractive and famous. Players create a virtual persona and compete against other players to earn “bimbo” dollars. These dollars are used to take one’s character partying or to purchase new clothes. The players are given assignments, such as gaining plastic surgery at the game’s clinic to give their character bigger breasts. They used to have to keep their character at its target weight using diet pills, however, due to the massive negative media attention it has received, that option has been eliminated.”

Nicolas Lacquart, the creator of Bimbo defends his game stating the mission is to teach children about the real world. Not sure I want this dude teaching my kids anything, but I have to hand it to him because it is absolutely right.

We reap what we sow.

-mamaV

————–

Fun Facts About Our Beauty Deranged Society:

$1.3 billion is spent on Botox annually

Breast implants have become gifts from parents to their teenage daughters.

Dreaming Girl’s Fantasy plastic surgery hospital in China serves patients seeking a extensive head to toe cosmetic reworking.

The Miss Plastic Surgery competition in Beijing awarded the grand prize to a plastic beauty boasting 10 surgical procedures.

MTV’s I Want A Famous Face and The Swan are only two of the many reality shows dedicated to plasticising.

Hollywood pops “clen,” a deadly steroid for horses to treat asthma.

Dr. Vail Reese, an LA dermatologist hosts the “Skinnies Awards” designed to rip on celebrities with less than perfect complexions.

More more read Beauty Junkies by Alex Kuszynski

Ever wonder why Fashion is so totally f-cked?

I know, I know, I rarely drop f-bombs but this dude gets under my skin. It you may recall he is the one who pranced a size 24 model down the Paris runways after Luisel Ramos dropped dead walking off the runway. Just hilarious.

How is it possible to get this far out of reality? Real the entire Jezebel article, if you can stomach it.

Sneak peak “I hate all children. Let’s focus on the fat ones. I try to avoid charity. I am the most selfish person in the world. Love is only an interesting subject when it is beyond.”

How screwed up are we as a society when this loser is on the cover of “Prestige” Magazine?

-mamaV

enjoy your weekend,

Love,

mamaV

XOXO

Shelly from THIN has something to say today.

I wake up every morning and ask myself….

Is it worth it? 

Is it worth fighting all the negativity in my mind today?  Is it worth having put trust my in others so often because I cannot trust myself at times?  Is it worth eating and gaining weight?  Is it worth feeling feelings I haven’t allowed myself to feel in so long?  Is worth taking on responsibility when I have run from it in the past?  Is it worth having to talk about things that bother me instead of internalizing them and having them subconsciously wreck my mind?  Is it worth being accountable to myself and others in my life?  Is it worth growing up?  Is it worth taking a risk getting hurt again?  Is it worth getting close to others and letting others in? Is it worth taking risks and possibly failing?  Is it worth taking care of myself…showering, brushing my teeth, my hair?  Is it worth getting dressed? Is it worth finding out who I am and doing what life wants me to do?  Is it worth surrendering to everything I thought was right?  Is it worth learning new ways to cope?  Is it worth setbacks?  Is it worth not knowing what the future holds?  Is it worth giving up the control I thought I had? IS it worth finding out things that could hurt and overwhelm me? Is it worth being so anxious that I can’t even sit still? IS it worth giving up my identity that I have held on to for so long?  Is it worth challenging TV, internet, and radio who say I have to fit some ideal? 

Is it worth it to keep going down the road of recovery?

Do I want to lose my family, friends, and most importantly MYSELF?  Do I want a life of pain and hurt and suffering?  Do I want to die?

NO

So I guess it is worth it to keep fighting no matter how scary and hard it gets.

-Shelly

Video commentary on the Faces of Pro Ana saga that occured over the weekend. Videos are a bit choppy, but I am busy as heck and I wanted to get these posted.

Part 2 (camera died on me!)

 Looking forward to your response,

-mamaV

I thought I’d help Josie drive some traffic to her cute, little post on My Pro Ana Hero!

This is my ~ThInSpIrAtIoN~

That’s me by the way, 21, skinny and miserable, sent to Miami by my NY agent to shoot with some pervert photographer. I ate nothing for 3 days until my self discipline broke and I mowed down a box of Total cereal, then hit the pool for a marathon swim. Good times.

Hey, I feel that spark coming back!

Look out Josie!

-mamaV

Tipster Izzy directed to me to Faces of Pro Ana  (fixed the link it works now). I guess I am not the only one swiping images of Pro Ana girls on public web sites and displaying them to make a point.

I personally think this one holding the skull is particularly creative.

Sunday 3/30 1:30pm picture removed per request of individual shown. 

Can this get anymore psycho? Or is today’s youth so bored that they cling on to some grim reality for the shock factor?

Honestly, this is getting so tired. I didn’t think I would ever say this, but after nearly two years of blogging on this topic I have no idea why I am doing this. 

-mamaV

What do you think about this quote?

I found this on BackinSkinnyJeans and it caught my attention because generally I agree with statements that say things in our lives happen for a reason. This one however is saying we draw things to ourselves, it reminds me of The Secret.

I need to ponder this for a while because what does this say for those with mental illness such as eating disorders?

-mamaV

This video response was posted to me from YouTube regarding the Internet Suicide post. I feel this individual articulates a point of view that is worth sharing because she speaks as an outsider coming into a pro ana community, and being caught off guard on what she finds.

Thoughts?

mamaV 

What is the most ridiculous thing you have every tried to lose weight?

Jezebel recently posted on a Glamour Rag article dedicated to this topic, “Scary Diet Tricks No Woman Should Try!”

Before you all freak and tell me that I am providing tips and tricks for pro anas or individuals with ED’s please just stop. The web is crawling with this crap so don’t delude yourself into believing I am revealing some mystery here. Plus not one item on the Glamour list was new to me, so my guess you all won’t be surprised either.

My lamest attempt at weight loss?

Baby food. Who the hell knows how I even came up with this idea, but we all know the mind does strange things when deliberately starved. Didn’t taste bad really, but the vision of a teenage girl walking down the street chomping down strained peas from a mini glass Gerber jar is rather psycho.

Your turn,

-mamaV 

Tipster Tina led me to a great article in Forbes about the path to SuperModel Fame. This entire story reminded me of something I have been wanting to do for a while.

First, let’s set the record straight on a few things regarding my oh-so-glamorous past;

Yes, I was recruited to be a model in Paris, France at age 16. Let me tell you what this means - nada. It doesn’t mean squat. To the outside world it’s like “wow, you modeled in Paris! Holy crap, you were big time!”

I wasn’t big time, I wasn’t even small time. I wasn’t even one kernel on the cob (my husband came up with that analogy, we are cracking up as I write this).

It’s best to compare my status in the modeling world to the structure of Corporate America. 

You’ve got your big wig Chairman of the Board, phone ringing incessantly, crackberry glued to his palm, as he watches the company stock….tick, tock, tick, tock.  The A-Hole is filthy rich, and doesn’t give two shits about other human beings. His day is about money, fame, and prestige.

Cut to the dude in the company mail-room. In the basement, sorting through stacks of random envelopes. Mr. Mail sets out for his big day, delivering packages to coworkers backs, as they cower in their tiny cubicles, just too busy to turn around and greet this fellow coworker.

Mailroom dude doesn’t mean squat to Mr. Bigwig - not even on the damn radar, and never will be. He doesn’t exist.

As a model, I was mail-room guy.

This must be understood, so you all stop dreaming about being “America’s Next Top Model.

I was just one little girl, plucked out of my rinky-dink hometown, being used by one dirty old Modeling Agent to sell stuff. Sell sex, sell beauty, sell anything he could get away with. That was me and about 4o other “chosen ones” during the summer of 87′,  all random beauties trying to make a go of it in the big city.

Me, as a kid.

Sure, I posed for some catalogs, and magazines, a couple runway shows here and there - but who cares? The mags land in the garbage within a month and getting to that point was hell on wheels.

Pretty damn glamorous huh? It was a pile of crap I tell you, a total and complete pile of crap. Ahhh…I feel better getting that out, thanks for listening. 

On to the Forbes Top Ten Ways YOU! Can Be A Supermodel!:

1. Stop eating. Grow.
2. Be photogenic
3. Get signed.
4. Be quiet.
5. Don’t party. Don’t be a diva.
6. Befriend powerful people.
7. Date celebrities.
8. Expand your brand.
9. Now you can talk.
10. Don’t gain weight, ever.

mamaV’s add ons:

11. Take your clothes off.

12. Sleep with your modeling agent and/or booker.

13. Be serious arm candy.

14. Wear teeny tiny skirts to castings.

15. Get a boob job.

16. Sell your soul.

Ok that last one was dramatic, but I’m in a mood.

Still want to be a model?

God help ya.

-mamaV

P.S. song for the day

We are going to keep rolling with Shelly, from the HBO documentary THIN, because I can see you are all relating quite well. This dialogue is good for Shelly and for all of you.

I want to highlight the paragraph below because it strikes at the core of what I believe is a major issue for many of the girls of this community. My hope for each and every one of you, is you can reach the place Shelly has achieved, the place where I live as well, because this is a place of peace and contentment beyond compare:

“I guess I was scared to really look at my life because I was afraid that I wouldn’t like the person I was growing up to be.  Actually, honestly, I guess I was more afraid that people wouldn’t like the person I was.  So I hid behind an eating disorder and a raging addiction so I would have an excuse for why people didn’t like me.  I always had some disorder or dysfunction in my life to blame.  And now, since I am I am recovery I don’t have those things to fall back on and if people don’t like me or what I do, I know have to realize that it is their choice and I don’t have to take responsibility for them or their feelings.”

If you take away anything from Shelly’s statement it’s to live your life for you.

The take away from me is to pound this mantra into your head - life is not about making people like you.

On to Shelly’s thoughts for the day;

So finding out who I am has become the priority in my recovery.  Trading in the identity I have lived with for so long for an identity that more accurately reflects who I am is daunting.  Sometimes I wonder where I fit in this huge, scary world.  While in the throes of my disorder I knew I fit in the world of eating disorders and I was comfortable there.  I could relate to people who were struggling and I am sad to say I shared tips and thinspiration.  I fed off the energy that others with ED had and often I became competitive with others.  Every part of my day revolved around my eating disorder.  Everything I did during the day was focused on how to get thinner and keep myself sick. 

Now, here is where the difficult and fearful part of my recovery comes into play.  When I finally resigned to the fact that I would give up my eating disorder, my addiction, and any other self-destructive coping mechanism I was left with 24 hours day to fill with things to do.  I felt lost, confused, and extremely afraid. What was I going to do?  I had no idea.  When I voiced this concern to others they would tell me that I could do anything I wanted.  I tried to believe them but deep down I was frightened and didn’t know if I could really play this whole recovery game.  But I decided I would at least try it.  I felt like there was no harm in trying and if I didn’t like it then I could always go back to my disease(s). 

I have to be honest… at first I didn’t like it.  But I didn’t dislike it as much as I disliked being consumed with negative thoughts all day long.  Negative thoughts did come and they still do, but I treat them differently.  I don’t listen to what they tell me.  I just notice them and let them go.  Accepting them and being aware was the first part of my recovery.  When the thoughts told me that I shouldn’t eat that french fry…I ate more than one.  It was difficult, but as I became more and more aware the thoughts became less and less powerful.  I kept fighting and I made a commitment to not give up until I tried my absolute hardest for at least a year (I usually don’t like putting time frames on things but I did this time to keep myself going.) 

It was so difficult that sometimes I would pace up and down my hallway because I was so anxious.  I was trying to find things to do.  I read, I knitted, I walked outside, I cried, I cleaned,  I made my meals and then when my husband came home from work I spent time with him. The most important thing I did (and am still doing), however, was to look deep within myself.  I started to figure out how I liked to spend my time, what my morals and values are, what makes me happy, what pisses me off, what stresses me out, how to handle it, etc. 

It was overwhelming because in ten years I had not let myself look at things.  For the past ten years I was merely surviving and I realize now that my ED and my addiction were merely distracting me from doing anything, especially finding out who I was. I guess I was scared to really look at my life because I was afraid that I wouldn’t like the person I was growing up to be.  Actually, honestly, I guess I was more afraid that people wouldn’t like the person I was.  So I hid behind an eating disorder and a raging addiction so I would have an excuse for why people didn’t like me.  I always had some disorder or dysfunction in my life to blame.  And now, since I am I am recovery I don’t have those things to fall back on and if people don’t like me or what I do, I know have to realize that it is their choice and I don’t have to take responsibility for them or their feelings. 

Slowly, it is staring to get a little easier and I am grateful I didn’t give up. I am now trying to find a job.  The nursing field is stressful and because I am now just starting to take care of myself I don’t feel I am ready to take care of people in that environment just yet.  Plus, I might go back to school because I am healthy to do so.  I guess I feel like I CAN really do anything I want to do.  I hate to admit when I am wrong, but I guess everyone was right…again!

To those of you who are fighting don’t give up no matter how hard it gets…you have already made the commitment to at least start to fight.  For those of you contemplating recovery my hope is that you try before it is too late. 

Nowadays I go to bed so tired and drained.  And it is not because I haven’t eaten or purged all day…It is because I working my ass (not literally) off to get better.

-Shelly

Shelly Guillory from the HBO documentary THIN is ready to have her say.

Since the death of her friend Polly Williams, she has decided to come out fighting. Fighting against eating disorders, and the media that fuels them. Here is an update from Shelly sent to me via email;

So I haven’t been around much on the internet and there is a simple reason for this.  I am getting better.  It is easy to say but extremely hard to do.  As a therapist once told me ,(and I laughed at this and totally used this phrase in a mocking tone on more than one occasion)…”it’s simple, but I am not saying it’s easy.”

Little did I know she would be right. 

I cannot say why I decided to get better, but a few months ago something just “clicked”.  In AA they say a person has a spiritual awakening, but because I don’t like that term and I was never like Moses and saw a burning bush, I am just going to go with my Clicking Theory.  I had hit an all time low.  I was depressed, anxious, malnourished, and I was addicted to benzodiazipines.  I realized I had to do something or I would die.  Honestly, I really thought death was the only way I was going to get over this, I almost welcomed it.  But deep down inside I knew I didn’t want to die, but I deeply believed I couldn’t get better.  I kept telling myself over and over again, “you have tried and you have failed everytime.”  But had I really tried?  Had I really surrendered and given recovery every ounce of energy I had?  The answer again was simple…No, I had not.

Shelly one year after treatment at Renfrew, image source: Lauren Greenfield

So in September 2008, I surrendered and it was quite possibly the scariest thing I had ever done.  I realized I had to put aside my preoccupation with weight, food, body image, thinness and everything else that comes along with an eating disorder, once and for all.  I was terrified because I knew without all those distractions I would be force to feel.  Feelings I had not allowed myself to feel in so long were powerful.  I felt uncomfortable because I had not felt anything for so long.  The amount of anxiety I felt scared me and I several times I thought about quitting, turning back to starving and purging.  But I knew I couldn’t.  This was my time and I knew something greater than myself would get me through it.  My confidence was shaky and many times I didn’t believe I could do it, but I just kept telling myself over and over again that I could no matter what I really believed.  The power of positive self-talk has sustained me in my recovery. 

I ate and I gained weight and I sobered up (6 months clean).  The concept was simple, but the process wasn’t easy.  I cannot say this enough, I was scared out of my mind…sometimes paralyzed by fear.  Even today I still have a lot of fear and anxiety.  Recovery is a slow process and because I am impatient it has made the process slightly harder.  But I realized I would rather feel uncomfortable for a little while than to not feel at all. 

A change is happening in me and I welcome it this time instead of pushing it away.  This is the first time I have allowed it to hapen.  I am slowly finding out who I am, what I like, what I don’t like, who I want to be and so on…although scary, it feel awesome and It feels real.

So I write to tell you it is possible.  I was one who wasn’t supposed to make it. I am going to prove those who doubted me wrong.  And it is going to feel good.  And I win in the situation.  Recovery to me means living the life I want, to not be weighed down by unnecessary worries and irrational thoughts.  It means not putting unrealistic expectations on myself and not feeling like a failure when I don’t meet them.  It means improved relationships with the people I love and care about.  It means I can reach out, tell my story and give people hope.  It means I can truly be the person that I am.

I don’t want to overwhelm you guys with my thoughts and my dreams and hopes.  But I will continue to write because hopefully it not only give you hope, but it will also remind me of what I am working for and what I want to attain.

The freedom I feel from not actively engaging in Ed behaviors has provided me with opportunities that I never even noticed before. I will speak out and I will advocate because I know my story needs to be told.

My hope for you today is to at least have one minute, one hour, or even a few hours where you can step back, take a look a look at who you really are and experience peace and serenity.  It may materialize into something greater and more powerful than you thought possible.

Until next time…

Shelly

In memory of Polly.