Eating Disorder ProAna Blogger Focused on Body Image and Self Esteem

Gotta say I get sick of writing about this crap. But its never ending.

Ok so Demi collapses. Big surprise seeing that she is a skeleton (not attractive). I can’t help but feel so sad for her. She just looks so damn sad. Thin as a rail, rumors of prescription drugs on top of it, and just —a lost soul. A lost soul with the whole world stalking her.

There’s no reason in the world for Demi to be lost. She’s got “it all.” Is it only me who finds it ironic that she had to drop out of a film in which she would be Gloria Steinem? 49 and beside herself. If she is beside herself, what hope is there for us?

So SJP swoops in to save the day. Is she any better? I hope so. I really hope so, she’s a mom for godsake (but so is Demi and that’s not stopping her self pity).

I’m 42 and I see the games aging plays. I’m not going to pretend its easy. But it’s just a facade. Why can’t we see beyond this life?

Trust me I pray, and I pray that I will beat it. I won’t be one of those pathetic stretched faced broads carrying on like a frozen alien face is normal. I’ll just deal with the natural path of things. I’ll use night cream from ALDI. I’ll say wise things. I’ll be happy, and smart, and content. I won’t think about how people are saying “she’s aging well.” I’ll blow off all that crap and live life, fingers crossed.

One thing is for sure. I don’t want to look like Demi — she is the picture of fear to me. Fear of life, fear of time, fear of just everything. And she is stuck, she’s got no choice but to live it, so pop some pills and forget about it all….

But you know, you gotta wake up in the morning. You’ve got to put one foot in front of the other just like the rest of us, and God’s got a plan for you. There’s a purpose. And that purpose is not sitting around worrying that the big 30, or 40, or 50, 0r 60, or 70 is around the corner.

That’s enough depressing talk for the evening.

Good night and good luck -

mv XOXO

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Hi mamaV,

I have recently come across this website and was going to post in the forum but im not sure in ready for the public yet! However I really needed to tell someone how im feeling right now even if they dont respond and something inside tells me that you ‘will get it’.

I have struggled with bulimia since I was 18 and I guess you could say I am still in ‘recovery’. I have just turned 25 and am really trying to understand the way I feel right now and working out if it is normal.

Ok.. so Im at the stage where I am in the normal weight range and I no longer binge or purge on a daily basis. I do on occasion but only if I really feel it is needed. I eat and maintain my weight because I know its the right thing to do but inside I feel more miserable than ever! Its strange because people seem to think that if you are a certain weight then you must be fine but I can’t seem to stop the way my brain thinks.

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I can’t get enough of Lady Gaga; A Very Gaga Thanksgiving had me balling, then I happened to catch the Monster Ball concert last night, which led me to this post.

Lady Gaga has just launched an Anti-Bullying Foundation Born This Way and she is working to make bullying a hate crime (which will change criminal punishment for offenses).

What a nobel cause. And she’s so real about it; the video below is directed at a high school student council president who had sought help with an anti-bullying assembly he was hosting. Full story here.

Join Born This Way Foundation, tweet it, Facebook it, spread it — this is enough if intolerance. This is enough of kids being KILLED for being ‘different,’ –what kind of country are we anyway??

We are a country where a beautiful, young boy takes his own life over bullying; yet recorded this heartfelt video titled “It does get better, I promise!…sometimes all of this is too much.

mV

XO

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Miley's Twitter reaction to the fat attack

Hannah Montana has grown up to be a wonderful young woman, with beautiful curves and a flowing mane — but what do we see?

FAT

Yep, just another fat ass, just like Demi Lovato who ended up getting (successful) treatment thank God.

I hope and pray both of these brave women will stand up and fight, and keep fighting, not breaking down to the pressure to be something that does not exist. The challenge has got to be completely overwehlming since at the end of the day its just…

YOU

and the

MIRROR

And we all know the mirror lies as we are criticized. A day can start out all bright and sunny, only to
turn ugly, fat and gross due to a sly comment from some irrelevant bastard. Your body has not changed, your mind has, but somehow you convince yourself the bastard was right. Your thighs are disgusting. Your arms? Kinda big, no? And your stomach, from the side, is a lot pudgier than 7 hours earlier, really sticking out, you look kinda pregnant actually. Out comes the evil scale that proves your thoughts, the number WAY higher than it “should” be.

And there the downward cycle goes, eventually into the toilet where you upchuck after breaking your fast out of pure desperation, leaving you feeling like the big – fat- loser that you are.

Let’s watch (and pray) Miley proves them all wrong. Pray she withstands all the naysayers trying to bring her down, giving her strength to strap on her boxing gloves to keep posting pictures of Marilyn so she becomes the new “norm.”

What a world that would be.

mV

XO

I got home from a business trip at 1am, and went in to snuggle up with my 8 year old son before heading to bed. As I left the room, I noticed he had tacked these “RULES” on his door, and I had to share.

I’m thinking I am adopting these rules in my life as well….if only life was that easy.

mamaV

XOXO

Crap, I’ve had a hellava couple months so hope you are in the mood for a rant.

Diagnosed with mono (again). I mean, come on — I am 42 years old (total grandma to most of you I know, plus its not like I am making out with some dude behind the bleachers — happily married soon to be 15 years!)

Anyway, I’ve been through a battery of tests. Everything normal. Actually, perfectly normal. I am healthy as a horse, except for this mono mystery virus that keeps pulling me down every few years. Needless to say, this doesn’t feel normal to me, I can’t help thinking there is something more behind it you know?

In case you don’t know mono is caused by the Epstein Barr virus. Basically, you have to have it in order to be diagnosed officially with mono. Same deal with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or CFS.  I don’t know about you, but CFS is the last label I want slapped on me. I don’t feel like carrying that ball and chain around the rest of my life. Plus, in the US of A,  CFS, just like Fibromyalgia are in our societies crock o’ shit diseases category.

Its in our head.

Lady, seriously, see the psych already.

Have you tried caffeine?

All statements that have been said directly to my face by arrogant doctors, including a kiddish resident that called me ma’am. I called him dude. Tit for tat.

So in the cyclone of these doctor appointments I catch a glimpse of my online chart which states I have a “mood problem.”

Seriously, a mood problem.

Those of you who know me know that anxiety is one of those old friends I have tried to ditch my entire life but failed. So, I resorted to medicine, prescribed by a highly skilled psychiatrist whom I respect very much. Meds that literally changed my life, allowed me to read, concentrate, be a better mother, perform better at my job, and basically be a real person. The little cocktail of pills that I wish to God I had known about way back in my teenage years.

But to the kid, to the oh-so-wise resident doctor, this medicine is basically for total losers. Plus, my prescribed dosage is WAYY the hell to high, in fact he is shocked because he has never, ever seen a patient taking these dosages of psych drugs (which is not saying much since I think I was his first patient EVER).

But still, his words sting.  I know you know what I mean. 

Here’s the point, we’ve got to blow off all the people that regard mental illness as some sort of weakness. Its all in our head, we are all mad. Might as well bring back the sanitariums and shock treatments to get these crazed people under control already. To this day, I struggle with this, but ultimately I come out on top.

In this situation (you’ll get a kick out of this), I listened to the kid rattle on with his ball of crap philosophy, asking me questions like

“What do you have to be so anxious about? So you just hang your hat on believing anxiety is genetic?” In the next breath, he went on to tell me there is simply NO WAY I have mono. After all, I don’t look sick. He tells me how people with mono can barely walk, and me? I look perfectly healthy.

I insist on the test anyway. He acts pissed but runs it. I ditch out of the office before getting the results because I’ve had my fill of this dude.

Mono tests come back positive.

The guy is a genius! I wonder what his face looked like when he saw those test results…man I wish  would have stayed around for that.

So here I sit. Resting. Resting. Resting. And thinking about how glad I am ME and not HIM. Thinking about how proud I am that I express these things here in the hopes that one of you may relate and feel just a little bit better about yourself.

You are not nuts. They are. Save yourself a lot of heartache and trust me.

Love,

mV

XOXO

“I’m to pretty to do homework, so my brother does it for me.”

This is the tagline sprawled on a “back to school” t-shirt for girls sold at JCPenney. No, I’m serious, this is a real shirt sold in the United States of America in 2011.

I mean seriously people, WTF is wrong with this country?

Who in the hell comes up with this crap? Was it a man or woman? A mother perhaps? And then, who were the JcPenney BUYERS that went for it. What about the stock people that put it out on the shelves. They only all caved due to pressure from the almighty Twitterverse (us, a band of users who cry holy hell until they give)

And finally, I would LOVE to see the parent and/or grandparent who actually purchased this offensive rag. There’s got to be a handful of girls who strutted into school this week, hair all curled up, makeup slathered on, booty shakin’ just the way mama taught her.

How cute and sassy.

Oh, and here is another one that has not been pulled. I guess it’s not offensive enough. 

This really, really bugs me guys. It’s probably because my daughter is 11 years old, and she is so awesome. The kid just amazes me, and it scares me to think about girls who have demented mothers or fathers who would purchase this shirt and allow their dear child to wear it. How would my girl feel about herself if she didn’t have a mom that is always making her aware of how screwed up fashion and media is? Would she be a different person than she is today?

I remember thinking that maybe because I am so passionate about these topics that I would screw her up by talking about it too much, or saying the wrong thing, or exposing her to stuff she is too young to understand. No worries on that, not a one. The key is talking, being open, making all of this a regular part of life conversation — and, without a doubt, being a shining example. An example of how to dress, act, be, believe, think, breathe and see the world.

Many of you ask me “don’t you sometimes just want to give up on all this?” — I always say “No, never, it’s not hopeless, change is coming slowly,” but today, right now, I feel like we are taking gigantic steps backwards into the sewer and the vast majority of girls have zero chance of turning out healthy and happy because the reality is that society doesn’t respect them. Society sure as hell doesn’t respect women as a whole.

Man we’ve go a long way to go girls,

mV

Please sign the petition to remove this lovely shirt from Zazzle telling girls “It’s better to look good than to feel good.”  Yet another example of societies insanity.

Actually, not really.

Found this lovely pic on BoingBoing, creepy headless mannequins at Gap. Saggy leggings on anorexic frames. “Always Skinny” branding makes this even more sick.

How exactly are we supposed to be normal with this influence in our face 24/7?

Check out beautyredefined.net

Saw this one coming a mile away. Particularly since Kate, The Dutchess of Cambridge, seems to be shrinking by the day (let’s hope its stress).  Turns our the Pro-anas are all over the sisters, glomming on to them as their fresh new “thinspo” material (at least that is what the media is shrieking).

How grand.

Odd thing is I searched for 15 minutes before writing this post for a video, proana site, or thinspo crap channel and I could not find ONE thing stated, noted, or expressed about Kate and Pippa.

So is this one hype or the typical situation of the media planting seeds for our dear proana community to glom on to? Either way, does it even matter at this point? Does anyone even care that there are MILLIONS of girls out there touting “Anorexia as a lifestyle.”

I found that answer many, many years ago – five to be exact, and the answer is a big fat NO. This culture is instead very interested in sensationalizing the whole thing, or of course banding together to “SHUT THE PRO ANA SITES DOWN.” Oh, yeah, that’s gonna do it. It takes what…five minutes to put up a new site or Facebook page?

We need to face this head on. We need to face the fact that every woman on the planet would like to be as thin as Kate and Pippa. Most actually spend the vast majority of their time longing to look like a waif. This is nothing new, and its no where near getting better, so what to do?

For me, I just need to rant about it a bit and get it out of my system, then I can move on with my day. How about you?

mV

Its late. But I couldn’t go to bed without writing about Amy Winehouse. I always found her to be so interesting to watch, she just had that kind of face. Her features so bold, eyes exaggerated with jet black liner, pale skin painted with vibrant tattoos, and that crazy teased hair. I thought she was quite beautiful, even at her worst.

Never new she was bulimic, on top of everything else, but this was reported in the news dating back to 2007. Can you even imagine? What a sad, miserable existence Amy had here on earth.

Let’s say a prayer tonight she is at peace.

Let’s also turn off the tabloid news that is incessantly ripping her to shreds, harping on what a loser she was because she was an addict. Where is the compassion? Can’t people see the pain in an addicts eyes? Why can’t we grasp the fact that no one would choose this life? The poor girl just wasn’t strong enough to beat the damn thing. And then there is her heart broken father, seeing him crying kills me. Daily News is reporting he wrote her eulogy back in 2007, fully expecting her to pass away young.

In order to have compassion in a situation like this, I think it helps to know an addict, on a personal level, because once you do, you will always compare other addicts to your loved one, and feel somewhere inside so very sorry for their suffering. On the ED side of things, well, once you’ve been there you get it. There are no words except its hell, and to picture this lovely talented woman on drugs, drinking herself to death, and vomiting up her meals is almost too much to bear.

Digging around on other blogs I found info that said she was bulimic since her teenage years, and as she was getting healthy she was called fat at size 10. You can’t frickin’ win in this world.

In the picture at the left, she is unrecognizable with her gorgeous, voluptuous body! And no, I know what you are thinking — she does not look GOOD on the right. She looks dead. She looks miserable, and you know very well she is suffering so deeply, so don’t even start thinking you wish you were that skinny.

So back to the prayers. Prayers for peace for this talented young woman and her greiving family, and the loss of a great talent.

mamaV

XO

Just watched the video of Casey Anthony’s response to her Not Guilty verdict. Then I jumped over to FB and Twitter trends to see if my opinion was in the majority — that’s definitely a no. From what I have seen, most think Casey should have been found guilty as sin.

Here’s the deal for me;

SCUMBAG FATHER

George, Mr. Tan Playboy molester father is a scumbag beyond belief. When the news came out that Casey “claimed” she was sexually abused by her father, I wasn’t shocked. Were you?

I wasn’t even shocked by the fact that the majority of people don’t even believe her story.  It’s typical. Everyone wants to be known as a child of incest you know? I am sure Casey was really proud to admit this to the whole f-ing planet.

Listen, I don’t care how many lies you tell, spitting out the sexual molestation by the hand of your father one is not one that rolls off the tongue, even out of total and complete desperation. Further, Casey’s expression when her Father took the stand to deny he molested her was one that Casey had never shown before. To me that was a slam dunk she was telling the truth.

After the jump: video and Incest Makes You Nuts commentary

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So Ferga-li-cious decided she needed to be more beautiful and she has ended up, well, looking like a typical plasticized freak. The whole controversy started with her appearance on American Idol where she came out looking — well, different. The moment she stepped on stage, my whole family looked at each other saying “Is that Fergie?”

But then her loving husband Josh put all the concerns to rest when he explained “she was wearing a different color lipstick.”

Got it.

Moving back to reality here, I had my hopes up that she was pregnant, and maybe her face was puffy, but all signs are pointing to the ole’ botox routine. Plus I caught a new Dr. Pepper commercial with her last night that sealed the deal, especially when my kids yelled out once again “is that Fergie??!”

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I heard the news of this commercial Yoplait commercial that was pulled after receiving pressure from the National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA) from several people and finally had a chance to see it this morning.

My reaction;

1) No shit this is triggering.

2) The second woman who grabs the yogurt, the one who inspires the first to make her decision on what to eat, looks gaunt, pale, and way thin…nice casting.

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A dear friend of mine sent me this song that you need to hear. This singer has struggled our struggles and she no doubt expresses it in this tune “Control.”

If only we could let it go, you know? It’s like we can gain glimpses of it, but then we slip back into our patterns of incessant worry over all the things that might happen, could be happening, will occur (even when 99% of it never does).

This is why I believe it is essential to surround yourself with people, music, images, and family who “get it” and who make you feel optimistic about yourself and life.

Have a listen, or two, or twenty — and keep your head screwed on straight today.

Lyrics: CONTROL
words and music by Dave and JJ Heller

The cut is deep, but never deep enough for me
It doesn’t hurt enough to make me forget
One moment of relief is never long enough
To keep the voices in my head
From stealing my peace

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Here is a video I recorded for a national effort to spread awareness for eating disorders, you NEED to get involved — if you are comfortable with exposing your self on video of course. Below is more detail on how to submit your video.

In this vid, I am responding to the question; “What do you wish people knew about eating disorders?” (I held it done to 4 min, but could have gone on for an hour, I am sure you relate).

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Found this list on Facebook written by Sarah and wanted to share. This just struck me as a really cool idea…add thoughts as they come about and read through them to reinforce positive reality. See list in process here

-Move forward eagerly, while embracing the now.

-I am free to choose to live as I wish and to give priority to my desires.

-Remember that your body only is not you. The sum of who you are is more important than your body.

-I’ll definitely remember who Stephen Hawking is – but not who won Miss Universe’s last contest.

-I am thankful for all the parts of my body that function correctly

-I appreciate all the movements that my body let me perform

-I am thankful for being able to touch, see, smell, hear and taste

-“I don’t ask for more: the sky above me and the path under my feet.”Robert Louis Stevenson

-Our physical body is a key part of our existence.

-I listen to my intuition.

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Not all — but a large population of today’s eating disorders stem from our societies focus on body image and weight.

Let’s face it — our society is nuts.

We accept the fact that “Plus-Sized” models are now size 8-16. We accept the fact that magazines airbrush the living crap out of every single image of women within their pages yet we hold ourselves up to that standard. We accept the fact that kids as young as 4 are dieting (yes that is a f-o-u-r). We accept the fact that more lives are lost because of eating disorders than any other mental illness but God forbid we fork over the $ to treat sufferers. We accept the fact that Pro-Anorexia is a lifestyle that has infiltrated every corner of the web and our solution is to “Shut down those sites!” We accept the fact that dieting moms push their issues on their daughters. We accept the fact that sports require restricting food and water for weight requirements and pure vanity. We accept the fact that fat chat is a daily event that takes place in front of our children with listening ears.

But then we sit and wonder;

What’s wrong with our children? Why are they not happy? Why are they cutting? Why is there so much bullying? Why did that child commit suicide?

It all comes as a shock when you don’t open your eyes and walk around this insane planet for one day and notice how totally destructive our society is to our self image and body image.

Do it — I double dare you. Watch prime-time TV tonight. Google the word “thinspiration.” Open a fashion magazine, pick one, anyone and see the walking dead who are hailed the closest thing to perfect that we’ve ever seen. Browse this list of dead women consumed by their disease. Look at the athletes lost who were more dedicated to their sport than their lives. Take a stroll into Victoria Secret at the mall (actually you don’t even need to step inside since the massive promotional images on the outside of the store include a woman’s ass in a lace thong which is so appropriate).

Then go about your lovely little day. Concerned about your lovely little problems. While your children stick their fingers down their throats within earshot while you pretend to not notice. A burden you say. A frickin burden.

mamaV

XOXOXOXOX

**Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, psychiatrist, therapist or counselor. I am however a woman who has recovered (fully) from her eating disorder and I have been blogging on this topic since 2006 which stands for something. Qualified to make these statements? No. Making them anyway? Yes. Ranking like a lunatic? Absolutely.