Pro Anorexia Mothers

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A child is one of life’s most precious gifts. As a mother of two, I simply can not understand or accept how a mother could possibly decide to live the “anorexic lifestyle” or be “pro ana.”

Does it get anymore vain and selfish than this?

Live Journal has quite a growing bunch of mothers who share their pro anorexic lifestyle stories, right out there for the world to see, as if this is something to be proud of. 

318 members

302 watchers

They carry on as if this is a game, all the while their children suffering in the background, as seen in this lovely post;

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WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME
I CANT HOLD FOOD IN MY STOMACH ANYMORE EVEN THE KIDS R ASKING QUESTION
MOM U R ALWAYS BARFING

WHAT DO YOU SAY TO YOUR KIDS IN A SITUATION LIKE MINE
I HATE MYSELF
I THOUGH I WAS FOOLING EVERYONE I GUESS NOT

Kids are keen. They are intuitive. They do not miss a beat, even at just a few years of age they sense what is going on in the household.

When you are able to give birth to a child, and that child is happy and healthy, I don’t think there is much more one can ask for in life. From that day forward, our job as mothers is to protect that child. Provide them with a secure, balanced, positive enviroment  to grow and to thrive, and to become the person they desire to be.

There is no way in hell a mother can be pro ana, and be a healthy positive influence on her child. It’s impossible. These women who are are CHOOSING this selfish, dangerous, vain lifestyle shouldn’t be parents. I believe if a social worker were to see their online behavior, their parental ability would be in jeopardy.

For the past year, I have read countless stories from courageous young women who post here with their horror stories about their own mothers. They tell how their mothers influenced their own beauty and body image, they express details on their recollection of a childhood filled with negativity towards food, and their mothers constantly warning them not to eat for they too would fall victim to the dreaded fat. They reveal hurt feelings about their mother’s who were more concerned about themselves, than for them or their other siblings.

If your mother is one of these individuals, you need to know this, and believe this. Make it your mantra.

It is not your fault. It is not about you. Your mother was a selfish person before you were born, and she will continue to be this selfish person as you grow and recover from your eating disorder.

Let her be your great bad example. Let her be the person you think of when you think of what you never want to be.

And when the glorious, life changing day comes, when you are given the gift of a child you will understand the depth of love a real mother should have and want nothing more then for your child to live a happy, healthy life providing them with nothing but unconditional love.

Please feel free to share your personal story of your mother. Was she a positive influence on your beauty and body image? Or did she contribute to you low self esteem and/or eating disorder?

Let these pro ana Mom’s know what they are doing to their kids, maybe a few of them will head our advice and get their head screwed on straight.

-mamaV

Mother daughter image credit: Julie Harris

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136 Responses to Pro Anorexia Mothers

  1. Jamie says:

    This is so sad. :( I feel sorry for the little kids in this situation.
    I’ve always had a low selfesteem. I remember when I was really young probably around 6 or 7 we would go to the beach and I hated the way I looked in a bathing suit. But I never commented to my parents about how I felt so they had no clue. My mom or my dad never told me that I was beautiful or pretty or anything like that. We weren’t a family that expressed our feelings. It kinda sucked cause I would go over to my friends house and her parents always told her positive things….I would always wonder why my parents never did that with me. I loved my mom and I always will I don’t hold that against her at all. I don’t think thats why I have an ed right now….there’s much more that happened to me after she died that I think is the reason why I have the ed.

  2. Tabs says:

    I’ll tell you about my mother.

    Fat. Rolls of fat. Obese, sweating, always hot even when the house was a bone-chilling 55 degrees. . .

    It was fun being little and with my mother. We lived together in a townhouse in a quiet little covenant. Mother always kept the refrigerator chock full of goodies such as chocolate milk, Lunchables, and occasionally cake. The freezer was replete with ice cream, fudgsicles, and frozen dinners like macaroni and cheese. Sometimes she bought me Salisbury steak.

    A look in the pantry revealed Oreo cookies, PopTarts. Hot cocoa. Greasy potato chips. My mother and I would inhale them all. We were two insatiable giants. We could never be sated, except with giant burgers from BK and large servings of fries that make my arteries constrict just thinking about them.

    We would binge. God, would we binge. Just eat and eat and eat until our stomachs hurt. About that time I learned about calories, and how to burn them. And then when mother started talking about dieting and loosing weight, I was hooked.

    I don’t know how I got to where I am, but I’m here. Bulimia’s a nasty being, a queer one at that. Get used to it. That’s what I’ve told myself. It’s not going away.

    Mom still binges. She just passed me by with an entire bag of potato chips. I know she’ll eat them all, just like I stole her bag of candy ate the entire thing. We are two disgusting monsters who can never be sated.

    We are something like human, no longer beautiful shining faces. My bones are damaged from pounding the pavement and starvation. My mother has high cholesterol and prediabetes. We both wear baggy clothes to hide the bodies we are ashamed of. Together, we silently share our pain.

  3. Jamie says:

    Tabs, I’m really sorry that your mom couldn’t be a good role model for you. :( I wish parents would think about how they are affecting their children! But don’t give up! Even though you grew up like this you don’t have to continue the cycle!!

    Hugs!

  4. jen says:

    My mum was horrible. She’d always tell me I was fat and ugly and compared with my sister I was disgusting etc. I was always the studious one-but she didn’t care about that. She only cared about the fact that I was “ugly” and I was a shame to her. Everytime she’d introduce us to a friend she’d always introduce my sister as ‘her elders daughter’ and I’d just stand there waiting for her to introduce me…but she never did.

    After I started loosing weight(first healthily exercising, eating right, joined dancing etc) she was all happy but now she’s always like “you’re too thin” and “you need to eat more” but I don’t care. I want to punish her for being horrible to me. I know lots of mums who are supportive and kind but there are HEAPS that are horrible.

    Nowadays I just avoid my mum-I can’t stand her. She’s a HORRIBLE influence. If I eat she tells me to “eat less” if I don’t she tells me “I need to eat more”.

    Ugggh.

  5. Sass1948 says:

    What about Dads? My dad told me to get surgery when I was 16 for no reason other than he had then gotten surgery for his own insecure, vain issue. What a dipstick.

    Anyway, mum encouraged me to love myself while dad encouraged me to dislike myself. He is the one commenting on my hips (“big hips in our family”). I actually hate my dad, always. Even tried hard to like SOMEthing about him…but no, there is nothing.

    Also, do you think a parent can unintentionally influence their child to develop disordered thinking about food? Exercising every night, always dieting & suggesting (when asked) their child/teen tone up but not lose weight? Cuz my mum was like that….but I never found it particularly negative…like dad on the other hand.

    Even in my birthday card this year he put “don’t eat too much cake”. Aaaaaarrrggghhh – Maybe he thinks he’s being funny?!

  6. palmtreechick says:

    That is my fear; that I will have children and pass this on to them. I would HATE myself if that were ever the case. I coach freshmen girls (age 13-15) and I hear them talking about “muffin tops” and cellulite and it kills me. They are all stick thin and I’m thinking “what are these girls thinking?” I try to be a positive role model for them. I can’t imagine having a daughter and having her suffer with an ed. It would be a hundred times worse if I was the one who made her that way.

    My mom never really talked about her body in a negative way so I’m not really sure how I got here. 😉

  7. Vanessa says:

    once again, you disapoint me. as if people could just magically be cured of their eds the second a kid pops out of their womb.

    what mamaV is saying is really that people with eating disorders are vain, selfish, and don’t care who they hurt. which may be a partial truth, but is far from a fair picture. moms with eds can’t fucking snap their fingers and be normal- what do you expect them to do?

    more on my blog. blameful.blogspot.com unnoficial voice of reason for the mamaVISION community.

  8. Kayla says:

    My mom was always on some new diet but she was never over weight, maybe just at the middle of her healthy weight range. She was always saying,”I just need to lose 10 lbs.”
    Everyone said that I looked just like my mom so that terrified me that I was going to get my mothers body. I was so afraid that I was going to become a woman and suddenly have her body. I felt like it was a life sentence of always hating my body.

  9. Josie says:

    Here’s the thing – the difference between pro-ana and eating disorders.

    A person behaving like they have an ED to simply lose weight, and proud of it, and therefore “pro-ana”, AND is a mother …. of course that’s awful. Agree completely.

    But if we take the example “I can’t hold food in my stomach anymore” …. this woman/girl is really sick! A person not able to hold their food down – that’s a very serious stage of an eating disorder and is potentially lethal. This woman/girl is severely mentally and physically ill, and we cannot criticise her for being ill or turning to an internet site for help to get through the hellish day of life with an ED.

    It is potentially selfish of a woman/girl to choose to start a family when she has an eating disorder, because of the effect upon her children. However some will never get better, or falsely believe their children will not be affected, or get pregnant unintentionally. Can we condemn a person who is sick? NO.

  10. nuckingfutz says:

    This is what I fear: that I will turn into my “mom” (really my grandmother) and make my children hate themselves.

    I’m 31 with 4 daughters. All I ever heard while I was growing up was “you’re too fat.” “You need to lose weight.” “Nobody will ever like you for who you are.” “You can’t do ANYthing right, can you?” I grew to have NO self-esteem whatsoever, and you know what? I’m STILL fat. I try to not eat and what happens? I GAIN weight.

    But what I’m really worried about is my daughters. My 10 year old is already obsessing about her looks, and as much as I TRY to support her, I know that she’s getting most of her input at school – where even at 10, she’s feeling the pressure to be thin. I worry that she might end up in the same boat as me – a fat freak that gets ridiculed from every direction – but at the same time, I don’t want her to end up on the other end of the spectrum. I’d like her to find some middle ground and be comfortable in her own skin. But I’m not oblivious to the realities of our society as it is today.

    It’s hard to find the middle ground myself, and encourage my daughter to eat right and get a good amount of exercise, without sounding like I’m trying to push her into an eating disorder.

    I see what my daughters see and it frightens me. It truly terrifies me.

  11. MC says:

    MamaV,

    Is selfishness the whole story? I doubt it. Piling on more hatred on top of obvious self-hatred manifesting as disordered eating is not useful, kind or even especially truthful.

    These women are sad. Its true. But motherhood does not automatically crown anyone of us with sainthood and faultless motives.

    Our anger toward this disease would be more effectively placed on the culture and institutions that have manufactured it.

    Isn’t it interesting that more and more older women are being treated for eating/body image disorders? Aren’t many of these women the same ones like you and me who started to come of age the same time the ERA was defeated in congress. The same time the “mommy wars” gained popularity in the press. The same time the backlash against feminism started in earnest.

    So does selfishness come into play? You bet. The problem is the selfishness is being misdirected. In fact our culture tells us its wrong and bad to be selfish.

    ” Don’t take up too much space girls! Don’t try for that college or that job! Its too BIG for you. How dare you want so much.”

    So we shrink ourselves instead. All of us. We drank the cool aid. The “good” mommies and the “bad” mommies. Imagine what would happen to our culture if we stopped hating our bodies. And each other.

    Imagine the space we would take up.

    We could be huge.

  12. Nats says:

    Are you serious??? You want me to answer this???

    No Comment

  13. Anne says:

    I think that you make a valid point; mothers who actively engage in eating disordered behavior ARE being selfish just as any parent with an addiction (be it an eating disorder, alcoholism, or drug abuse) is. Not only are they exposing their children to behavior that is self-destructive, they’re also increasing the likelihood that their child will grow up without a parent-whether that happens because they’re too busy engaging in disordered behavior to be available, or because they die due to complications relating to the disorder.
    However, I’m not so sure if this is is all the result of vanity and selfishness (although I think it’s always part of it) as much as it is a mixture of the aforementioned in addition to: being caught in the throes of addiction, immaturity, and a complete lack of foresight. And if that’s the case-will yelling at them to stop, or bombarding them with information on all the ways they’re messing up their children make a difference? As hard as it is for me to swallow, I suspect that the only thing that will make a difference (at least in the “online world) is the same thing that you’re doing for younger girls. They need a HEALTHY (not xanga or livejournal) place to vent, people who are willing to listen, access to resources, and a whole lot of compassion.

    At any rate, I really respect what you’re doing. I find it inspiring as I hope to make a difference as well one day.

  14. Jane says:

    Vanessa – re-read the post. All I see is you trying, again, to totally blow the point.

    MamaV is not criticising those who have genuine ED’s; she is saying that if someone is still making the decision to live a pro-ana life, and it is affecting her kids – THAT is selfish… which is true. I don’t understand how someone can allow anything to hurt their kids… I mean, I’m not sure about recovery right now, I am trying, and doing well, but I think that if I had someone else to care for, someone who was relient on me… I’d be trying a hell of a lot harder… that’s for sure.

  15. Vanessa says:

    jane- i read the post, and frankly i’m getting tired of people bashing me every time i state an opinion, with no justification for doing so. i am NOT trying to blow the point and i have NEVER tried to just cause trouble for no reason.

    anyone who is puking all the time and can’t stop has a REAL ed. not a fake one. mamaV is NOT talking about proanas, she’s talking about people with eating disorders. the problem is, some of you people seem to think that no one within proana has a real eating disorder.

    see josie’s comment. i agree with everything she said. if you people are blind to logic just because you don’t like the messenger, then why don’t you pay attention to the people who agree with me? mamaV is bashing mothers with eds, not just proanas. period.

  16. Brittany says:

    Hello MamaV…

    I am 18 years old… my soon to be husband and father of my baby is 23… my beautiful son who means the world to me is now 5 weeks old… I have always had a low out look on the way I look… I’m not ugly and I’m not hugely fat, I am 5’8’’ and almost 200lbs now after having my baby… in all truth I don’t like my body all that much and never have… my mother was anorexic at my age when she met my father… me and her only talk about it a few times wile she was alive… well to the point… my soon to be husband whom I love with all my heart and has been there for me through so much in my life, the two biggest being the birth of our son and the death of my mother a year ago… told me a few nights ago that he was no longer attracted to my body… I’m scared of him leaving me so I have stopped eating.. its sad I know and shameful to do it over a man… if anything if your going to do something do it for yourself… but he has walked out on me so many times… I don’t want my son not to have his father around… I don’t want to be selfish and continue eating and my son lose someone he needs in his life because I couldn’t put the fork down long enough to lose some lbs… I don’t want to be a bad mother by any means I want my son and his father to be happy they mean everything to me… I give everything up for my son… I don’t want to look like bones… just a healthy weight say around 135lbs… I don’t want my child to ever see me like that but I have it set in my mind that it will only take a few months and he wont know… and after the weight is off I can just start to eat healthy and save my relationship for not only myself but my son… I don’t know… I’m confused… if you could get back to me that would be great…

    -Brittany

  17. Brittany says:

    this is brittany again…

    you asked us to tell about our mothers.. my mom had a eating disorder at my age… im not sure how long she was like that but after she married my dad her and him both where on durgs like Ice which causes you not to eat… after 4 kids my mom gainded a lot of weight… she then had two car crashes which left her unable to really walk around… she died she had gained alot of weight maybe almost hitting 350lbs if not more… she died because of her weight… that along with whats going on with my soon to be husband scares me.. almost everyone in my family is over weight

  18. Frosty says:

    Its not just my mother, its my whole family. This obsession with ‘looking good’ has been constant. When I was little food was either used as a punishment or a reward. My mom would lock up the food in her room. I was homeschooled and if my homework wasn’t done by lunch, than no lunch. Not done by dinner, no dinner. But if I completed our star charts for the day I was rewarded with candy, soda, maybe Mcdonalds. I remember the day I got my drivers license and I had the freedom to eat what I wanted, when I wanted it. I ate at every fast food place in town. My dad on the other hand is always commenting on my weight, my pants look really good today. Or don’t wear that shirt, it isn’t flattering. People won’t look at you if you don’t wear nicer clothes, work out more, eat less. The comments about calories and how much sugar is in what food was a constant growing up. We used to have competitions who was eating the healthier cereal by reading the nutrition facts during breakfast.

    Frosty:)

  19. wanderer says:

    A busy offline life has kept me from keeping up with the posts and commenting but have some time today. A few things:

    mV, your “fierce mama” mode is where you really shine. Your passion jumps off the page.

    However, I feel uncomfortable, though, judging the woman you quoted, because I don’t know the entire context of her life. As josie pointed out, it sounds like she’s really ill.

    Tabs, although your situation is heart-rending, you express the dark emotions so well. I hope you keep a journal or a blog. Writing is a light that guides you through darkness.

    Sure, it sucks that parents pick on their kids and are selfish, but parents are people too. Everyone has some kind of psychological wound that they deal with, maybe even for their entire lives. So we need to forgive our parents, forgive ourselves, and learn to re-parent ourselves. Turn around the anger into a healing passion to make our corners of the world a little better and if that day comes, to become a next generation of parents who are more aware. It’s hard work but worthwhile.

  20. ANON says:

    Josie I completely agree with your comment

    I am a mother. My son is 2. I am 20.

    Yes my ED is selfish. I am mentally Ill. I didn’t choose to be anorexic. I didn’t want to be anorexic. and the guilt that i feel for being this ill, while I have a beautiful boy who loves me unconditionally is so intense. It hurts me every day, more then my ED ever will.

    I am in treatment – only as far as my government can help me. 12 hours worth. my treatment will end by the end of the year. in that time I am trying my hardest to get better, but treatment beyond what I know I need is not possible. We cannot afford it. We are terribly in debt, we struggle to pay our rent and bills, I cannot work as the cost of childcare is more then i would get paid if I did work. And i am not going to take food out of my sons mouth to pay for my treatment – because that is more selfish then anything.

    So what is an anorexic mother to do?

  21. Michelle says:

    I just recently found out that my mother was going to be a model before she met my father. I also found out she had an eating disorder of anorexia, never diagnosed, but assumed by her mother and sister. My father knew there was something wrong, as well, but I was too young and I was too wrapped up in my own life to know that she was doing this to herself. I was always afraid of being fat, I never really thought about where that came from, but I believe the influence was from her, inadvertently. When my parents divorced, I was still too young to understand (6th grade.. I guess that’s not too young, but I always had a ‘perfect family’ in my vision until 7th or 8th grade happened).
    My mom slowly started slipping because she had no direction in life without my father. She picked up smoking again in my 7th year of school, and she drank more than an alcoholic. She never admitted to anything of the sort, she always kept it hidden. She’d stop making dinner for us, so I had to make it for Zach, or we just wouldn’t eat because neither of us felt like making food. She did try to make everything seem ‘normal’ but by that time in my life nothing was normal to me and nothing ever will be for a long time.
    She would start yelling at me when I’d ask her to stop drinking. She said she didn’t drink and when she was drunk, she’d proclaim she was sober. I never really understood what sober meant, again, I was so naive to everything. She’d tell me that I didn’t love her and that I’d much rather live at my father’s house. This was the case. I’d always wanted to live with Dad instead of her. I didn’t hate her, I never did. I just knew she wasn’t someone I should be seeing everyday due to her horrible influence. She lived very recklessly, and every day I was at her house, I’d look forward to the next Sunday because that meant I’d go back to Dad’s for a week.
    That every other week turned into a talk with Dad about how much she hurts me and how much I didn’t want to live with her. Dad decided to attempt to get full custody of my older and younger brothers and I. He did. I remember that day clearly. I was in Geography and he called the school. They came to get me and the office lady just said “Your father called to let you know the trial went well.” At first I didn’t understand, I didn’t know what she was talking about. Then I asked her what she meant.. she said she didn’t know. Then I remembered and as I walked back to class, I started crying tears of joy.
    We went out to dinner (my brothers, Dad and Michelle and her kids and I) at Big Boy. I remember Matt was so upset.. the only thing he said all night was “Did she even try?”
    That was the thing. She knew Dad is a better candidate of a parent than she ever was.
    A few years later, I had to move back to mom’s house. I hated that. That is a story in itself.. but that’s the main point. I hated Dad. He kept trying to explain to me how things will be ok.. and this will give mom a second chance. I didn’t want to give her a second chance. She started seeing a guy who was abusive to me and her, mentally and physically. She continued to live recklessly, while covering it up. Now that I was old enough to say something about the decisions she was making, I did. We fought often, and no one really understood our relationship. I didn’t hate her.. I just could not stand what she was doing to herself.
    I didn’t hate her..
    she just continuously said I did. She’d always tell me that she was going to kick me out to Dad’s house.. and that was never possible.. (that’s yet, another story) it just wasn’t possible. So, when she knew it just wasn’t possible, she’d turn it into a joke. She knew I hated living with her, so whenever we fought, she’d tell me “Well, why don’t you just go to your father’s? Oh wait, he doesn’t love you either. He doesn’t want you there.”

    I cried so much.
    I just wanted to be happy.
    and now that I’m gone and my own person, I have never felt so small in my life. I don’t have the mother that everyone talks about. I don’t have a role model. I have myself.

    I lived my life with all bad examples. I was continuously told what not to do. I was always translating things.
    What footsteps that my parents left behind to follow… which to stand a long side… and which to meet up with after taking a different path.

    I believe my mother still has anorexia. I know she still smokes. I know she still drinks.. more so now that I’m gone. She freely puts the beer in the fridge, where before she’d hide it in the closet and drink it with ice when I wasn’t looking.

    I’m afraid for my little brother. I just want him to have a good life. He was so young throughout all of this happening. He had to live through a lot without being able to make many choices.

    I just don’t want to ever see her again. She hurt me mentally. She was never a good person. She was drunk the night I left for college, and then she left with her new boy toy… She didn’t even wish me a happy birthday on my 18th.

  22. Sass1948 says:

    wanderer i instantly don’t like your condescending, self-righteous tone YUK

  23. monsee says:

    well i was anorexic girl, i dont kwon how but i leaved all this world i think was my mom and my boy friend i wan to continue because im fat but is serius im fat help m eto come back i want to be thin again help me i need it .. thanks

  24. mamayeahyeah says:

    there are unfortunately a growing number of us who had full blown eds as teens who “recovered” and went on to have families and careers — to have it all and live “normal” lives. then BAM midlife hits and there is no more career or the kids are gone or divorce happens or whatever, life happens and that insipid ed creeps back into your life wreaking havoc on you and your family. It is not as mamaV would say something to be proud of or in any way being selfish. It is a cry for help from an otherwise smart person; a mental health issue that needs immediate attention but which is often met with denial because she is supposed to be this put together mom and can’t admit that this is happening to her.

    MamaV I’m pretty new to your blog but you sure seem to be very hard on a growing population of eating disordered mothers who need help not your scorn.

  25. Heidi says:

    My mom comforted me with food. She felt bad that her father abused me so she would do anything to make me feel better. Taking me out for sweets and treats was a big thing for her. Little did she know she was feeding into my eating disorder as I stuffed in the feelings further and further.

  26. Mrs.K. says:

    Brittany,
    Your response so much concerns me. A friend of mine went through the same thing – she gained sixty pounds during and after the birth of her two children and her husband told her that she disgusted him. She became obsessed with her body and always talked about “when she lost the weight” while she continued living the same way. She took up drinking and smoking when before she had been clean from those things; in the end, she had a very brief encounter with another man who said her husband was stupid for not treating her better. Did he stay? No. She is still with her husband, but I’m not sure if anything changed.
    A man who loves you for YOU is the best thing you can get. If your fiance says this now about you, what will he say as you get older? What will he say to his son when he doesn’t live up to his expectations? Your son would be better off with a healthy mother and a father who isn’t present than a mother who starves herself and a father who says hurtful things to her. I’ve seen my sister go through this as well and a number of other girls and what it comes down to is ABUSE. It may not be physical and it may not leave bruises, but it is dangerous. His words have obviously affected you greatly already. One thing to say in response to him: You had a baby five weeks ago! It took me six months to lose the weight with my first baby and a friend of mine took a full year – for others, it may take more. If all he cares about is your body, then it is nothing but sex and it is not a healthy or happy relationship. You will forever rely on him to keep your self-image up and will continually avoid gaining any weight in order to keep him happy (and thus, in your mind, keep yourself happy). It may even keep you from having more children in the future because of your fear of gaining weight.
    I am speaking from experience – I have had major body issues for most of my life and to relate to this post, a lot of it came from my mother as well. The best thing that happened to me was to start looking at myself differently. I look at my mommy belly and stretch marks as triumphant and womanly – I have borne two beautiful children and have the marks to prove it. I am blessed with a man who loves me at 210 lbs and nine months pregnant as well as at my current weight and shape. While I wouldn’t leave him if he said to me what your fiance said to you, I would by all means get some serious counselling. Think about confronting him about this instead of going into the closet and creating a monster by letting an eating disorder control your life.
    I may not know you, but I feel for you and I hope you choose another path. Starving yourself is absolutely not the right answer. I just hope you get a chance to read this and that anyone else in a similar position would take my words to heart.

  27. sIM'One. says:

    my mother

    is addicted to plastic surgery

    decorates her home with mirrors everywhere

    is a psychotherapist

    is a south american immigrant

    holds a PHD

    considers herself republican

    has destroyed my art on various occasions

    threw me out of the house when i was of age & trashed all my belongings.

    never got along with me when i was younger

    now gets along with me great, but does not remember
    most of the things i bring up from the past.

    considers herself Buddhist

    says she loves me.

  28. Brittany says:

    Thank you so much Mrs.K.. your words have really touched me and it is nice to have opened up and your not juging me harshly… it means a lot that you toke the time to understand and not just jump down my throat.. thank you so much…

  29. Josie says:

    Brittany –
    I too am concerned by your comment.
    A guy who treats you in such a way is not good for you, or as a father to your baby. I think you should think seriously whether the two of you need such a negative influence in your lives. It may be that he needs to grow up and accept responsibility and let go of any visions of how he thinks things should be – you being just as you were before motherhood for example. It might be just a heartless immature comment which he needs to take back, or it might be a deeper issue that he’s not right for you.
    Instead of starving yourself, could you try eating well and exercising? You need to be strong and healthy, especially while you’ve got a baby and you’re under so much pressure. You’d actually lose weight more effectively if you lose weight properly rather than starving yourself, because starving will slow your metabolism and eventually make you binge on junkfood, or alternately the starvation might trigger anorexia, which of course is a risk because of your mother having it. Not eating is not the answer.
    Also, i’m really sorry about losing your mother. I also lost my mum a year ago. The pressures you’re under must be enormous.
    xxxxxx

  30. Josie says:

    There’s SO MANY ways that mothers can screw up their kids. Being anorexic is only one small (there’s only 300 members….) thing in comparison with obesity, smoking, drinking, abusive home environments, divorce, setting children unattainable standards to achieve, over-protectiveness, under-protectiveness, not showing enough love and affection, not giving encouragement, criticising too much, etc, etc, etc.

    Obesity is the big issue affecting American kids at the moment, not anorexia. So maybe we should all be going to McDonalds or Burger King and shouting at all the mothers there instead? That’s directly passing on views and habits to children, unlike most anorexic mothers who hide their behaviour as much as possible.

  31. Vanessa2 says:

    Michelle
    That is so sad…i cried. As a mother and past ED sufferer i feel for you and your mom…so sad..
    Fortunately my parents had no part in my ED.

  32. AlexaaA says:

    Well i dont have nothing to say about my mom besides she’s awasome, caring, loving person, she’s an angel and i dont know where i would be whitout her.

    Also this is one of the reasons i would never have children.

  33. AlexaaA says:

    MamaV, did you saw that Ana_Mom’s Journal found you???

    Here is the post:

    By:sweetmamagirl
    october 16th

    GOOGLE PRO ANA IS STUPID OR ANA MOM’S
    I posted something about this in p a waiting room. I Googled “pro ana is stupid” b/c I was trying to find some thing.. lemme tell you, ppl have NO lives, they troll on here and copy and paste to their hearts content and tell everyone how stupid we are and make fun of us and even provide links!!

    WTF!!?! I’m gonna blog about THESE assholes and send it to them!! This is sooo NOT right, I’m afraid to see the rest of what I found on Google from this MAMAVISION person b/c she talked HORRIBLE (jealous) about pro-ana then I think I saw us on there. OMG, tell me this bitch is gonna say something about when I posted empty fridge pics!!

    She’s telling ppl to troll on here and make us think they’re one of us and report back to the compulsive eater!

    This woman is seriously obsessed!! I don’t think she writes about anything else b/c she’s so FAT and ugly and miserable, the dumb, clueless bitch!!

    I hope she didn’t get my kids’ pic. that’s why I don’t like to do that.
    Note to self and all you lovely ladies:
    If you have to post your pic, COVER YOUR EYES or make it so whomever finds it can’t recognize you or your surroundings!!

    Isn’t there a way to lock the copy and pasting of text?!?

  34. jbeth says:

    To preface my remarks- my mom has struggled with eating issues (anorexia and bulimia) since she was in college. Her mother- my grandmother- has struggled with eating issues for as long as my mom can remember. And I- generation #3- have been struggling for over 6 years myself.

    I remember noticing that my mom skipped meals- I occasionally commented on it; she simply told me that she wasn’t hungry in the morning, that she’d had a big snack earlier, that she felt sick, etc. I believed her. In fact, partway through elementary school, I began to equate the ability to skip meals at will with adulthood. While I never noticed her weight fluctuations, others did and as I was the oldest child, they discussed their concerns about my mom’s weight with ME. I never quite knew what to say, because as far as I could tell, there wasn’t anything to say.

    I also grew up hearing about how I was sure to get fat once my metabolism slowed down if I were to continue to eat like I did as a kid. I somehow started out thinking that being able to eat a lot was a good thing; my mom tried desperately to change this. However, it didn’t really change until I hit puberty and started gaining weight. Two years later, I developed an eating disorder- my mom noticed but declined to say anything until I brought it up a full two years later. While I’m doing better now, it’s still very much an “off limits” sort of subject in my house.

  35. Josie says:

    AlexaaaA – hahaa i have no sympathy for her – clearly a real ‘pro-ana’ girl . “She talked HORRIBLE (jealous) about pro-ana” …. jealous of what?!?!?!
    I really hate it when people come out with stupid sh*t about anorexia somehow being good and worthy of jealousy of healthy people.

  36. wanderer says:

    sass1948, we all have different ways of looking at things.

  37. Anon says:

    wanderer, i wouldnt worry what sass says. if someone doesnt agree with mamaV or dares to have a different opinion…she doesnt like it all that much.

    with regards to this post, i see what mamaV is trying to say. I agree with her to some point. I dont think she chose the best people to use as examples but if a mother is pro activly pro ana and chooses to consciously expose her children to this world how fuckin selfish can one person seriously get?

    For once i actually agree with mamaV, just next time mama maybe choose different quotes…like others who have said, that person who cant keep food down….she sounds seriously ill. and she seems concerned that her kids are seeing this. I think pro ana mothers probably wouldnt care if their kids saw this.

  38. Vanessa says:

    the person AlexaaA quoted responding to this is hard to defend, i admit. and it’s not like i think a mom being proana is a good thing. but people have to remember that eating disorders are a form of mental illness, and that means they make you think things that aren’t true! even something stupid like “i don’t have a problem, everyone else is just jealous”.

    should mothers with eds try to recover? sure. are they a good influence on their kids eating and body image? no. but c’mon, people there are reasons why people don’t and/or can’t quit their ed no matter how much they love their kids. i’ve tried and failed in recovery 3 times, and those failures would have happened even if i had had children. i’m lesbian and i tell myself i would choose not to have children regardless, but be realistic- people fall in love, get married, get pregnant, even if they also have an eating disorder. what do you expect people to do when that happens?

    once again we are having trouble with the definition of proana. mamaV will you stop acting as if proana is some discrete category that doesn’t include people with real eds? we both know you know better than that.

  39. Lina says:

    Hi! I’m a former anorexic, “recovered” about 6 months ago. I’ve recently stopped eating due to depression and stress, I know I’m not sick anymore cuz I do think I’m beautiful (I’m a model too). :) Anyway I still look at thinspo and pro-ana sites sometimes, just a habit… I mean I was sick for 5 years so it’s hard to just change your whole life just like that… I often cry when looking at them, they remind me of how I wasted 5 years of my life and nearly died twice (dehydration and heart failure). I almost cried when I saw your video on youtube, you really understand. The only ones who’s ever understood me before has been other anorexics I met at the clinic I spent ½ year at. That video was so honest and I could really see that you really care about people with ed’s, when I was sick people tried to save me but I knew they didn’t care if I lived or died they where just doing their jobs… so I didn’t listen at the people at the clinic at all. Then the person I’m in love with started taking care of me and I felt loved, for the first time in years someone liked me for me… I didn’t have to try to change cuz I’m perfect just the way I am. I think that you will help a lot of people cuz you have a good heart. (sorry about my english, I’m swedish.)
    <333 /Lina

  40. echo says:

    I suspect a part of my eating disorder is the fact that my mother is obese. My entire family is obese actually. And some part of me resisted my own mother’s binging by developing my eating disorder.

  41. Laura says:

    Yikes. I usually agree with much of what you have to say MamaV, but accusing anorexic mothers of vanity and selfishness is simply incorrect. This disease is not something you just “snap” out of, whether a woman or man is truly suffering from the disease, or a “wanna-rexic” and experiencing such low self-esteem they wish they had anorexia.

    It’s also sad that there are such mothers out there. But then, it’s also sad that there are so many children with alcoholic or drug-addicted parents. Or how about kids whose parents use the TV as a babysitter. Or how about when our parents are the human beings that they are, and some of their insecurities and issues spill over into our lives. I think that is just what being a kid and growing up is all about.

    The “depth” of my mothers love is totally there, and she let me know every day when I was a kid how much she loved me and how proud of me she is. That didn’t prevent her depression from the break up with my father or even from her simple insecurities from affecting how she talks to me and how I thus interpret things about my own self-image.

    No mother or father is perfect. No matter how much they love their kids. I just hope that the mother’s part of this pro-ana forum get help so they can be there for their kids.

  42. Sarah says:

    mamaV, i know you’re busy, but did you get my email? i need to talk. thanks.

    as far as anorexic mothers, do i think they can choose what they’re going through? no. as far as these illiterate, uneducated, “pro ana” moms, i don’t know what to say. some people shouldn’t have kids.

  43. Sass1948 says:

    as always lol at anon

  44. panda07 says:

    Thank you josie,there is a huge difference between pro-ana and eating disorders.I am a 30 year old with a daughter of 13,yes i was a very young mother,but my daughter is a beautiful,happy,caring and yes healthy little girl.she is very happy with her body and she does realize`s that it`s what`s inside that matter`s not how thin someone is.i am so lucky that my issues have not been projected on to her.shock horror,we even eat together! we will sit and eat breakfast together,same with evening meals,yes they consist of a salad and soup,my daughter can have what ever she like`s big pot`s of cassorls,homemade stew`s,soups,if she would like fish finger`s then fine i fill her plate with veg and sweet potatos.we talk a lot of obesity in the UK,there is a huge drive to encourage children to eat healthy,i`m no different than any other parent on that score.of course she like`s chocolate and crisp`s but she understand`s everything in moderation and is more likely to ask if we can make a smoothie.i have left PA as it has become a breeding ground for “ana love” WHAT? just shot me.i have found a wonderful community,not pro ana[i never have been pro ana] but pro support.To put every mother into the “bad parent” box is totaly wrong and very judgemental and show`s a true lack of understanding of the difference between pro-ana and eating disordered.I am very proud that my daughter is the one to tell her friend`s that they are in no way “fat”[they are thin] and was so upset when i heard that one of their parent`s tell them they are gaining weight and are looking “porky” calling her miss piggy,this i might add coming from “educated” parent`s,one a pharmacists.They are both lovely girl`s and i have watched them grow up from innocent 5year old`s to insercure 13/14 year old`s,even though they have “normal” non disorderd parent`s.i own my own home,work in an animal rescue center,take holiday`s,take bike ride`s with my daughter and her friend`s [were are their parent`s]we go to the park,swim and have fun together.i`m ed-nos not a bad parent.

  45. Sass1948 says:

    panda, you sound like a great mum

  46. queen_apathy says:

    Don’t you have your own problems to be concerned with? Why do you try to run from your own issues by placing the spotlight on others?

    Seriously, look inside yourself. I’m sure you won’t have much time to troll and snark if you start working on one of your billion personal issues.

  47. Angry AND Poor!! says:

    Some of us don’t eat for the simple fact that we are trying to conserve as much food as possible for our children.

    Why the Government REFUSES to help those TRULY in need, is beyond me. My Husband works 2 jobs and I have my job and clean my Mom’s house and it is a STRUGGLE!!

    I can honestly say, the times I did eat more than usual (not much, though) I ALWAYS regret it b/c Surprise! Surprise! The food’s running waaaaaaay too low, again!!!

    My children ALWAYS have plenty of food–Me? Oh, well, I am SEVERELY obsessed with not running out of food for them so I just don’t touch it as much.

    So getting thinner is a perk b/c I’ve grown up my WHOLE life 230-250 and haven’t been under the 200’s for as long as I can remember. I am currently at 190 and LOVE it!! It’s amazing how differently you feel and get treated when you grow up SERIOUSLY fat and wake up one day almost HOT!

    Life sure is better (for me, personally) when your kids aren’t embarrassed of your hugeness ( Yes, Mom was/is morbidly obese) and ppl are nicer to you. It doesn’t hurt when cute and I mean CUTE teen age boys flirt with you or pay attention to you. Yes, I have no self-esteem and am insecure but i know better than to do stupid, destructive things in front of my kids knowing they copy and see EVERYTHING!!

    My life is Waaaaaaaaay beyond full of crap and Hell, already! I’d appreciate it if you stay out of the one place that keeps me from going insane. Do you even TALK about anything else? I’m gonna start a blog about you and I got MORE than a couple of communities to help. see who YOU like this shit!!!!

  48. panda07 says:

    Thank you sass1948.i thought i was going to get ripped apart here.i just wanted to let people see that your not automaticly a “bad” parent just because we live with an ed. honestly i would tell you all if i had any fear`s for my daughter.

  49. makimak says:

    what the fuck is your problem u have no right my kids are well taking care of what r u trying to be a fake ass dr.phil look at your life first you old hag
    u need to back the fuck off i do have ed but that smy problem take that post out right now dont u have a life or u don tget fucked as much cuz u ugly as hell

    peace out and i dont give a fuck about your 2 cent psychology merde

  50. allison says:

    For me, it was just knowing that as long as I can remember my mom was on a diet. Baby weight from me, then my brother. She can remember the exact figures even today with us in our late 20s. I know that after me she got back to 103 but with my brother she never got under 109 (she is very petite, so these aren’t scary weights for her). I am almost 4″ taller and thicker framed, but she compares my weight directly to hers. I could stand to lose 10 lbs for my health I know. But growing up with her relationship with food had to mess me up. It was oooh, yum, so delicious, followed by guilt and beating herself up. Telling me she was old and fat and ready to give up. Warning me “don’t let this happen to you,” like it was a warning to quit smoking before getting lung cancer, not to lay off the high fructose corn syrup.

  51. makimak says:

    i should be fuck in the ass i ll show u poor

  52. Sass1948 says:

    wow, how’d all the angry ana moms find us?….or is this the desired outcome? ahmmm, dont know how to react.

  53. Sass1948 says:

    checked out “moms site” and come to conclusion – they’re not anorexic, at all, they’ve associated skipping meals & being poor with being anorexic – they seem to WANT anorexia, but i doubt ANY have it, now THAT’S sad

  54. queen_apathy says:

    the angry moms found you because you sit and bitch and talk shit about something you OBVIOUSLY don’t understand. Not everyone in that community is a true anorexic. But atleast we’re not judgemental bitches.

  55. panda07 says:

    sass1948: I just went to have a look over at ana_mom[the name said it all]it`s full off shite,i for one will be staying well clear of the place.most can`t string a sentance together *shudders* just as bad as PA!

  56. Terra says:

    k, this post really pissed me off as both a mother and someone still struggling with anorexia after almost 20 years. could you generalize any more? could you please stop stereotypically attributing everyone with an eating disorder as pro-ana?

    i’m aware of the distinction and mamav, most of your readers are, too. as far as i can see, it’s the wannarexics and their cult of pro-anas that you’re targeting so please, don’t you dare call me a selfish, vain person because i have an ed and a daughter (who eats more than most kids twice her age, btw.)

  57. Liz says:

    Dear MamaV – I caught wind of this via Live Journal. I applaud this post even if I think it could have been worded in a different way. I often weed through the various pro-ana communities within Live Journal and I have to admit, I read them with the bizarre sense of “WOW”.

    Now, I have my own demons and I freely acknowledge that. Mine happen to be with alcohol but thankfully I don’t have children as I know what my own mother’s alcoholism did to damage me. These women on LJ don’t realize that yes, their children do pick up on these clues. These women seem to defend their actions without forethought to what their children will pick up on. “Disorders” like this and many others, kids are easily sucked into the “sins” of the parents.

    If you’d like, you can email me and I will link you to the post I made about this very topic. I think pro-ana communities would be put into a different light if a rash of “pro alcoholic mom” communities were to spring up. I have yet to see it and I highly doubt they would be embraced by even those in the pro-ana movements.

    It’s a disorder, it’s a relationship with food that is severely skewed. As an outsider I see many of these women who feel their worth is only based on their body. Many of these women seem to forget that children take cues from their parents and being obsessed with food, alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc…do affect their children. For them to give themselves a pat on the back as it appears(like the other pro-ana comms on LJ and other places) just makes one very sad.

    I hope that through your words a few of the women over there realize it’s not an afront on their personal lives so much as it’s a wake-up call to get treatment and stop thinking it’s not affecting their kids. Parents (even step-parents) have a huge influence on their kids and how they make choices in their life. A healthy relationship with food is important because it helps our bodies and our brains when we choose good and acceptable nutrition.

    Pro-ana makes me sad. I don’t understand it but for my own relationship with alcohol and I wish more people would wake up to the effects of such extreme actions and what it does to the body and the mind.

    My wish is for the women of ana_moms is that they wake up to exactly what nutrition does for the heart, the brain and all the other organs. Good nutrition whether you are thin or fat, is a mjor factor in a happy and healthy life. Not all our bodies are meant to be thin and not are meant to be fat. The key is finding where your body type is and honoring that body.

    In all the years that women have struggled to rid themselves of stereotypes, this latest pro-ana thing is against all that is reasonable for a woman to feel safe and secure in her person. I happen to be on the lower end of the scale for weight. But I don’t obsess about it and I enjoy my food. Sadly I know people that use it to comfort and others use it to control. But a woman (and now men) need to aware that your body shape is not who you are. Who you are is what you feel inside and what you contribute to those around you. Cotnrolling food in the manner many of these women are only means they are out of control.

    I speak from knowledge with the battles with smoking and drinking. They aren’t that much different but for the fact I know what I do is wrong and admit to it. If only they would wake up and realize they are passing that on to their kids.

    I wish them the best and I hope that your controversy has sparked a few women to rethink their “dying” need to defend their relationship with food and body image. Kudos to you for breaking open the eggs of truth.

  58. Echo says:

    To share my story, since I can never share it anywhere else without rebuke:

    I couldn’t tell you if my mother has an eating disorder or not. She denies it when I jokingly call her “anorexic,” but she only eats about one meal a day, usually something very small, and constantly complains about her weight. She’s about half my size, though – she’s small. Thin.

    I’ve always had big thighs and been on the bigger side, something I inherited from my grandparents and which was exacerbated by the distractions the TV and computer posed during my parents’ divorce. So, yes, I’m fat. There, I said it.

    For years and years, my mother has been giving me “friendly warnings” in the form of threatening possibilities – “If you don’t lose weight, you’ll get diabetes!” “You’ll have a heart attack!” She doesn’t understand how much it hurts for her to say that.

    Every time I bring up my lack of a boyfriend – twenty years old and I’ve never been on a date, never been kissed – she tells me how I’m beautiful, BUT… “If only you’d lose that weight!” As if it were that simple. As if the only reason any boy would ever like ME is if I lost weight, if I became pretty – because obviously I wasn’t beautiful enough, never will be, not until I “lose that weight.”

    Same goes for friends – “You’ll make more friends once you lose some weight!” As if that were all that anyone ever looks for. As if that were the only thing ANYONE cares about, obviously. If I’m fat, nobody will love me.

    Of course, if I bring it up to her like that, she denies it – “That isn’t what I meant!” – and says she’s just trying to help me. She doesn’t get how much it hurts. She doesn’t understand how I look in the mirror and think automatically, “God, how disgusting! No wonder nobody likes me!” She doesn’t know that I’m twenty years old and the only thing keeping me from asking my doctor about liposuction or something similar is my fear of doctors and surgery. She doesn’t understand, but she thinks she does, and nothing I say can change her mind.

    I don’t think she has “failed” as a parent. I love my mom, she’s the most important person in my life and I can’t stand to not talk to her even for more than a week or so, but… in this, she can’t help me. She’s only hurt me here. Her insistence that I focus my entire being on losing weight (it’s even more important than my grades to her, I think) hurts me more than I can begin to say.

    And I can’t tell anyone but anonymous people on a forum I only found by chance, because I’d be whining, and nobody wants to hear some chick whining about how fat she is – “Just lose the weight,” they’ll say, pointing their bony fingers. So I keep quiet and die inside every time a boy looks at me, knowing they won’t look twice until I “lose that weight.”

  59. Sarah says:

    when i was talking about uneducated mothers who should’ve never had children.. makimak is the perfect example. when you can learn to spell and type maybe people would take you seriously. as of now, all people want to do is send child services to your door. and are you jealous because mamaV was once a model? let me ask you, makimak, how many teeth are you missing?

  60. Anon says:

    I think for once (i think we should document this! :)) SASS, i agree with you!!!! and i also think you have managed to pinpoint exactly the tabboo of “pro ana” of what mamaV is trying to illustrate. And i applud you on that! *claps hands*. They probably foud the site through google, cos this site is now connected to it though all kinds of words and stuff.

  61. makimak says:

    by the way i am french so english is not my languague

  62. echo says:

    Hey cool, another Echo! Hi!

    Anyway, to angry and poor, being poor and having an eating disorder are two totally different things. Mama is criticizing neither. She’s only trying to make a point that it is unhealthy for children to see a mother glorifying disordered eating. We can debate all day about the use of the word pro-ana, but no matter what she calls it, she’s only calling out the people who WANT eating disorders. Believe me, it’s very damaging to a child when its mother talks about how good eating disorders are.

  63. Vanessa says:

    i agree completely with amananta. in fact, i was coming here to post the link to my latest blog that deals with this exact thing. read it or bury your heads in mamaV’s skirts, girls. your choice.

    http://blameful.blogspot.com/2007/10/mamavision-tough-love-or-cheap-shots.html

  64. jessie says:

    My mom was on me about my weight as long as I can remember, and had me in a liquid diet at ten years old.

    Looking back at pictures of myself as a kid, I had no weight issue. None at all. Her paranoia convinced me that I had a weight issue.

    But she taught me that because I was smart, I would have to try even harder to be pretty because smart is unacceptable to men. My wieght has been a struggle my entire life. Sometimes too heavy, sometimes too thin, never at peace. And I know I never will be.

  65. abc says:

    I really cannot believe what i am reading!
    I grew up in a home with both parents, very normal childhood (as normal as can be) AND ENDED UP WITH ANOREXIA!!!!
    So as a mum now, I am a self-aware person, I am conscious of what I share with my daughter. I know what triggered my ED and would never dream of doing the same to her. She is an extremely confident girl and I would never take that away from her.
    We all have things some people refer to as “issues” and if we are aware of them, they do not have to be an issue for our friends and families. I believe that I have found a way to be healthy with this disorder, as I truly don’t believe that anyone can ever be fully recovered from this. I find support and understanding from people who have had similar experiences, and DON’T JUDGE ME!
    I am not JUST a mum. I am my own person and I have the right to choose what I think, how I behave and what I choose to share with the people around me.
    Its obvious that you have your opinion and feel the need to blame us for the next generation of disordered eaters. Well in some cases you may be right, but there will be many children developing ED’s that come from normal middle-class families with physically healthy mothers.
    I find it hard to believe that you find it so easy to make a complicated medical disorder, a personal insult of vanity and selfishness.
    What is to become of the children of the ignorant and judgmental? Sounds like you may have the answer to that question…

  66. mamavision says:

    Makimak: We are all very impressed by your highly intelligent posts. Although English is your second language, you seem to have mastered the four letter words.

    Clean it up or I will delete your posts and ability to post here. I have a rule that I don’t delete anything or anyone from the blog, its an open forum for discussion and all are welcome, but for godsake express yourself like a human being.
    -mamaV

  67. mamavision says:

    Hi everyone: I am enjoying reading the posts here, we all obviously have different experiences and backgrounds, so it is interesting to hear your perspective.

    Whether or not I am judging these women is not the point. There’s just a total level of disregard and irresponsibility in posting on the PUBLIC web all your issues (and pictures of your empty frig). They have children, who likely are in great need of attention and they are busy talking about themselves online.

    Yes they need help, but they are adults, and there’s no excuse for this.

    How many of you are harboring scars from your past childhood issues with your parents? These scars don’t disapear or heal. They are life lasting.

    I hold myself to this standard and these woman should too. As an adult, one responsible for dependants, if you have a mental health issue, or physical health issue, you take care of it. That’s our job. To be here and be health for our children.
    End of story.

    -mamaV

  68. Vanessa says:

    not end of story! and whether you are judging these people is the WHOLE point. everything you say about what other adults should and shouldn’t do is you judging people.

    i’m 29. i dont have any dependants and it’s a good thing. but if i had gotten pregnant when i was 19 i’d have a 10 year old- and i would STILL have an eating disorder. remember, in my case i’ve tried recovery 3 times so you can’t even accuse me of not trying. you act like it’s so easy and clear cut- have kids, fix your emotional problems. but that’s just stupid, naive, and JUDGEMENTAL!

  69. Sarah says:

    actually, vanessa, i think what she’s saying is as an adult, WITH CHILDREN, stop posting on pro ana websites about what you’ve eaten today and instead go play with your children so they don’t end up the same way.

    i’m not saying having children cures an eating disorder. but when you do have children, they are your number one responsibility and instead of acting like you are 13 (not you vanessa just women on here in general) and using crass language on the internet be mature!!!!!!!! but i’m usually wrong so that’s probably the case here.

  70. Karrie says:

    I used to quite support you, but now… I’m not very sure at all.

    People with real eating disorders turn to pro-ana/mia/whatever do so because having an eating disorder makes you feel very alone. I know that for a fact and that loneliness can be overwhelming. Be aware that quite a few pro-ED sites know very well that what they promote isn’t healthy at all, but a lot of times, pro-ED sites are a kind of “pitstop” for people who don’t want to recover for many various reasons. Fear is a big factor, for one – the uncertainly of how recovery and RECOVERING would be like. Difficulty with recovering, is another reason.

    I really hope your future posts are further than the “proana” bashing. Its so much deeper than that, MamaV. Instead of those, you can do interviews with the eating disordered – and do a range. From different countries to look at how cultural differences affect the eating disorders. From both genders – see how it affects men differently from women. From those who people think “don’t get eating disorders” like African-Americans or Hispanics. Do research. What you’re doing, I find, is skimming over the edge of the water. You need to dive.

  71. queen_apathy says:

    I’m glad there are people here who see right through your insults mamavision. You are BLATANTLY judging us. How can you say you’re not? You’ve called up neglectful parents! Just because you see ONE member post a pic of her empty fridge does NOT hold a standard for the rest of us. I am a VERY active mother and wife. I spend 3 days a week at my sons school volunteering. I play with my youngest son all day long! The internet is my escape that i get MAYBE 3X a day. Only when my kid is taking a nap or playing quietly with his toys or something. HOW DARE YOU?! And please quit lumping us all into the vanity category. Not all of us care what others think of our appearance. (unlike you obviously) And since when can women NOT do as we please with our bodies? Are you also inclined to say that we can not join the armed services? I mean, you’re putting yourself in GREAT danger with that profession. What about alcohol abusers? Children suffer far greater with these . Just because you couldn’t hack it as a model doesn’t give you the right to pigeon hole the rest of us. You say that we are taking a step back from women’s rights, but all you’re doing is propagating the mentality that women should be PERFECT mothers. And if we’re not? THEN WE ARE FAILING OUR CHILDREN. I’d hate to be your son (or god forbid) your daughter. The pressure to be perfect in your house would drive me to insanity. Maybe you should sit down and write out your own flaws. Then take that list and use your time for good. Make yourself better. You sound like a very bitter woman.

  72. AalexaaaA says:

    To Sarah, adults are adults, and if mamaV mean adults with or without children its not the point.

    Im not agree with this post at all, i think mamav its judgeing those woman without knowing the whole story. i Know many of those moms are hard to defend, but afcourse they’re sick, and i bet no all of them wanted to have a baby in the first place.

    Also if having children was the “magical pill” to get rid of an ED, i will try it !! but it is not. im agree that you have to try to recover and if you have children its one more reason to try it, but you cant blame them if they dont make it.

    And please please…stop saying that if you’re Pro Ana, then you’re not sick, you’re just vain, you dont want recovery, and you just want to do harm to other people ….i want to remember you that Also being pro ana its a MENTAL DISEASE!

  73. queen_apathy says:

    but don’t you know, AalexaaaA? In mamavison’s world EVERYTHING must be perfect and free of mental illness OR IT IS A FAILURE. Can you imagine if she had a baby that had downs syndrome? Or a child with turrets or autism? I’m getting the feeling that her UNPERFECT child would end up abandoned because it wasn’t perfect like her.

  74. Sass1948 says:

    why’s everyone being so dramatic? look at the post that the pro ana mom posted – it’s terrible.

    i feel sorry for HER children wondering why their mom is “barfing” all the time.
    the pro ana mom admits she’s “not fooling anyone”.

    i think eating disorders are v. self-involved. i fail to see how a mother who is PRO her eating disorder can really care for her child.

  75. queen_apathy says:

    I fail to see how a MOTHER can be so judgemental.

  76. Katie says:

    I’m going to surprise myself and partially agree with MamaV. While I do understand that parents have eating disorders too, and I sympathize with pro-ana moms, it’s shown that kids pick up eating habits from their parents, no matter how hard their parents try not to pass their problems down. I know mothers in pro-ana communities who, despite the fact that they were active parents who tried very hard not to negatively influence their children’s behavior, are now seeing their pre-teen children displaying eating disorder behaviors.

  77. Una says:

    I believe a topic on this blog has never had so many responses before, confronting so many different opinions (or insults) on a matter. I think that mamaV has hit a very sore spot.
    The first time I really thought about mothers being anorexic, was when I saw Kate’s video on “an outsider’s perspectiv” ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cf9tdW6jf7c ). Before that ( I guess I am a bit naïv ) I didn’t really think it was possible for an anorexic women to get pregnant, because her body was to week, or she didn’t make love, or simply the idea of getting this enormous belly would put her off. I am saying so because during my anorexia, I didn’t have any sexual desire what so ever and I didn’t have any periods. But of course, silly ( that is me), it is possible, it does happen.
    I agree, anorexia, or any ED is a mental illness. But it isn’t a fatality. You can get over it. I believe, that the anorexic mothers do lover their children and that they truly believe that their children don’t care/ don’t notice. But that is just part of the denial. I am not saying that all of these children will be worse off then others. They might, they might not.
    A meal is a social moment. It’s the time a family gets together to be together and to share. I can remember when my mother was on a diet and didn’t eat the same as we did. I thought that to be very strange, and as if she was excluding me. And as a girl in a former posts said (can’t find it in these 77 posts ), it is also part of physical and emotional education. Having your mum sitting at table, actually enjoying her food, laughing and dicussing is a great thing. I would hate my mother to be anorexic, because I would hate her to be so anhappy.

  78. Josie says:

    MamaV – mental and physical illnesses are not things that someone can just deal with!!! My mum had both mental and physical illness and now she’s dead …. in your high standards does that mean she failed me as a mother? Should anyone with a health issue not be allowed to have children because it’s going to harm them?

    You KNOW that the rates of recovery for eating disorders is dismally low. Many believe there’s no point in trying to recover because they believe they’ll always be sick, and that’s one of the many reasons people turn to pro-ana sites.

    And why shouldn’t these women post their issues online? Why should they stay quiet about their suffering? Why is it different for anorexic mothers, when your own forum has those with eating disorders discussing their issues?

    Just because someone is posting online doesn’t mean they’re not caring for their children. And isn’t that a bit hypocritical of you to say, when you come online a lot and spend time travelling, away from your own children?
    My dad went away travelling on business much like you do, and that ‘scarred’ me as much as my mum having mental health issues.

  79. Claire says:

    Millions of women suffer (or suffered at one time) with eating disorders, so it would stand to reason that a good number of us are or will become mothers. There is already so much shame, secrecy, and isolation attached to these illnesses. For mothers, those feelings can be even more intense. After all, there is the societal expectation that your kids should be number one. But as one of the commenters pointed out, motherhood isn’t a “magic pill” that cures disordered eating.

    Women who end up on these pro-ana websites are seeking support and understanding. Unfortunately, what they’re finding is validation. And that’s exactly why those communities are dangerous. Mothers suffering from disordered eating need ongoing treatment, not pictures of Kate Hudson during and post-pregnancy.

    For those hours during the day when you’re looking for an outlet to vent and express yourselves, ditch the pro-ana sites and find a pro-recovery online community. Can we post some links for moms with eating disorders? Anyone have quality resources to share?

  80. Laura says:

    Hey Josie,

    Great post. You said everything I was thinking!!

    Laura

  81. panda07 says:

    Nice one josie,spot on :)

  82. Rachel says:

    Excellent point, Claire. You hit the nail right on the head for everything that I’m feeling from reading all of the negativity on this particular post.

  83. mamavision says:

    Hi Josie: Thanks for your input. I read your post a few times to make sure I understood you points.

    I comment first on your assumption that I travel a lot on business. It sucks everytime I had to do it. As you know, I just started a new job on Monday, and part of my decision had to do with travel. I couldn’t hack it. Plus the maximum time away would be 2 days, and it wasn’t worth it for me, I don’t want to be away from my family. Another factor was I did not like sales.

    This is not to say I would critisize any mom who travels for her job, nor would I critisize a stay-at-home mom for living her life as she pleases.

    Most important I do not see the correlation between a mom who posts about starving herself, and a mom who travels on business. Not a fair comparison in my view.

    I believe that when you are a parent you have a responsibility to TRY to be mentally and physically healthy. The key word here is TRY.

    Do you think these women are trying to have an eating disorder or trying to stop one? Neither of us know so we are both making assumptions.

    I stand by my post stating these women make a mockery out of eating disorders. How would they feel if their child saw their postings?

    Finally, I think we all need to be very careful about comparing our own personal situation or history with anyone elses. Josie, you make reference to your own mom being mentally ill. That was your mom, your life, your specific, unique relationship with her. This can not be compared with what we are talking about here…do you know what I am getting at?
    -mamaV

  84. Josie says:

    MamaV – you point out that my situation and your situation are unique and cannot be compared, but then the example you cited was unique, and all the members of the community in question are unique, with their own reasons for being there.

    I don’t think either of us should make assumptions.

    The thing which got me wound up the most was the example you cited, which is almost definitely a person who is very sick, and therefore does not match the assumptions you’ve made.
    I think you have to be clear that some of those 300 members COULD be following the pro-ana lifestyle, are harmful to their children, are vain and are making a mockery of EDs. But that’s “could”, rather than “are”.

  85. Sarah says:

    mamaV.. please email me back. i’m desperate and it’s a sad state to be in but it’s true. thank you.

  86. panda07 says:

    “I think we all need to be very careful about comparing our own personal situation or history with anyone elses.”
    MamaV, Is this not what this blog is about?Your history as a model,is that not your own personal situation? To ask what affect high fashion has on us,is that not asking for a personal account?What affect our parents had on us while growing up,why we choose to visit pro support site`s.are these not all about our personal situation`s?Yes they are.so i am baffled by your response to josie.

  87. Jane says:

    Wow, there are a whole bunch of p*ssed off people here!

    I don’t really get it… Noone can deny that
    ED’s are selfish, and noone can deny that ED’s involve a level of vanity – and yes, it’s psychological of c0urse. I can’t see any way to reason that a mother who is surrounding herself with others who have disordered eating habits, (or genuine ED’s) is acting as a responsible mother aught to. Yeah, okay, if this is a genuine ED, fine, I agree, it’s not going to magically go away just by having kids, but, and this is a huge but, kids are influenced by their childhoods… how messed up are these kids going to be if they have to grow up listening to their mum puking her guts up after every meal, after seeing their mum once again refuse to eat any dinner…. hmmm… perfectly healthy individuals? NO!

    As to whether the mums who post on this site all have genuine ED’s, I’m doubtful, just in the same way as I doubt whether everyone on miafriends really is bulimic… but that doesnt matter to be honest. Any parent who wants to sit typing away on these sites rather than be a mum, has problems and needs to really think about themselves… I can not justify it at all. I doubt anyone would sit and defend a mum who had an obsession with pron and sat posting about that over the internet… would you?

    I can’t remember who was claiming MamaV to be jelous of people with ED’s… grow up though, whoever you are. Do ypu honestly believe that a healthy, happy mother would want to sacrifice her life for one of constant lies, hunger, sadness, self-hatred…. and everything else that comes with an ED?! Are you really that stupid!?

    This really is madness… this is not right, it isn’t fair on the kids, and it isnt fair on the mums… what we really need are more resources to help those who are suffering from ED’s and help them to get better, help them to live their lives to the full and help them to give the kids the real value of having a mum…

  88. Vanessa says:

    look guys, i honestly don’t understand people who say mamaV is just attacking proana moms, not moms with eating disorders in general. if she was going to attack people who don’t really have eating disorders and and go to proana sites while ignoring their children, then she should have found a good example of a post by that kind of person. i’d still have objected that most proana moms aren’t like that, but i don’t think there would be as much outcry against this post.

    for instance, if she had posted: proanamom said “god my two year old is such a greedy little fatty. as soon as she can read i’m gonna have her go to the proana_kidz group so she can learn to starve herself like me” then i think we’d have an easier time agreeing with her. instead she chose to re-post “help i can’t stop puking and my kids are starting to notice, i hate myself” and then go on to say how vain and selfish these people are.

    maybe eating disorders are a mental illness that cause selfish and vain behavior among other things. depression is a mental illness that surely causes selfishness too, but we don’t see any condemnation of depressed moms. i dont think a depressed mom support group would be objected to, would it? so why an “ana moms” group? note the word PRO wasnt even in their group name.

    bottom line, there is no defense for heather here, and i think some of you are trying to twist her words to make them seem less offensive because you like her and respect her, not because there is any excuse for her to post a cry for help and hold it up as an example of selfishness.

  89. Josie says:

    Well said Vanessa.

  90. AlexaaaA says:

    Vanessa, im your groupie! Lol…

    Totally agree wit you this time.

  91. Una says:

    I definitly agree with you Jane.
    Josie, I think you are right about us all reacting in connection with our individual story. Objectivity in itself is utopie and thinking in black and white, too easy.
    Reading all these posts I noticed how little I knew about this subject and I did a bit of research on the net to broaden the spectrum.
    I found a page on the net developping the theme of fertility, pregnancy and motherhood in correlation with anorexia and bulimia. It says that in general, women with an EDs (ore even with an ED history)are more likely to have complications during their pregnancy. The babys are most likely to be underweihgt. The mothers with with an ED tend to underfeed their babies (not because they don’t love their children, but because they haven’t got a feeling of mesure.) , leading to shortness of stature, physical frailty, and psychological harm of their babies.
    (Here the link to the page, just in case )

    http://www.vanderbilt.edu/AnS/psychology/health_psychology/fertility%20_ED.html

    These are lots of “tends” and “could be’s” and the statistics are only made on a relativly little number of individuals but I do believe that there is something shining through these numbers.

  92. Josie says:

    Una – what we don’t know is whether any of these mothers were anorexic or bulimic when pregnant. They could have developed their ED, or relapsed, after their child was born. And i’d be prepared to bet that some of the pregnancies were accidental too.

    I know lots of anorexic/bulimic mothers. I know pregnant anorexics/bulimics. I know anorexics/bulimics trying to start families. Every single one of them has the best interests of their children at heart, and try their best to be as healthy as possible for their children.
    Not all will be like that of course, but it’s wrong for mamaV to generalise.

  93. Amie says:

    mama

    I understand where you are coming from with this post, but an eating disorder isn’t magically fixed when someone has children so you judging and putting down this woman isn’t really helping anyone. An eating disorder is a disease and requires a lot of time and attention in order for it to be more manageable, i feel sorry for the kids, but i feel sorry for the poor lady too, it’s proven that the older a women is with an eating disorder the more complex it it, maybe you should be encouraging girls rather than putting the down. Sometimes i find it hard to believe you once had an eating issue, some of the things you say are really un educated and just nasty.

  94. grammar_queen says:

    Queen_Apathy: Just a note about your post. There is no such word as ‘unperfect’. The correct word to use is ‘imperfect’.

  95. No Thanks says:

    I find it so very sad that you all are so hard up for intellectual stimulation that you turn to places like this. Arguing on the internet is like running in the special olympics, even when you win you’re still retarded. That being said, lets add to a few of the gross generalizations so far. Since every mom who suffers from her own personal demons or even just wants to lose weight is now someone who is selfish and vain, ignores their children’s needs and is just a complete failure as a human being… let’s talk about models. I like stereotypes too, so mama must be an airhead who has nothing to go on but her looks. I see some intelligent thoughts and responses from her so that can’t be the case. But wait, that means not everyone can be lumped into a certain category by a cursory glance? How shocking! Every person’s life experiences are different and therefore every case deserves an individual look before you make a judgement, if you even have any right to pass judgement on another person. I personally find this all very ridiculous.

  96. Pathetic says:

    I cannot believe you would say something as disgusting and discriminating as this. Mother or not someone with an eating disoder, whether it be compulsive eating, anorexia, or bulimia, has a problem. They have a disease. They aren’t trying to be selfish. They are an addict to they’re self hatred. They need help! Do you have an eating disorder? Have you ever? Are you a therapist? Do you have a degree in psychology? No. So fuck off and quit judging people you don’t know.

  97. Stephanie says:

    I am a mother. I diet and exercise and restrict. But I eat and eat in front of my daughter. I laugh and play with her. I try not to exercise in front of her. I don’t want her to feel she needs to be like mommy. I put her first and that is why I am still alive. It’s not easy but she needs me and I have needed her long before she was born, I just didn’t know it. MammaV has opinions, not judgements. We all have opinions. Be adults and leave it at that. If someone says something that you don’t like, share your opinion and move on from it. You don’t have to get so offended and go on a rant on the computer. It’s a computer, not a presidential debate. I just looked up at the post before me and I see all this vulgar language, is what someone else said really worth getting so angry about? This someone whom you don’t even really know. I’m thinking that these people who are exploding off an opinion that someone chose to write about should really get off the computer and deal with there anger issues. Really.

  98. Pingback: change therapy » Blog Archive » carnival of eating disorders #10

  99. Kim says:

    mama v, i couldnt agree with you more on this one. i think the good thing is that as a doctor once told me because of my anorexic state i am unable to bear children or even get pregnant. so i guess for me the only way i will ever have children is if i find recovery and if i do i will protect it as i would a child.

  100. Amanda says:

    WOW – I have just read all these “blogs” & I have to say I am quite amazed.
    I have only just discovered this site after watching a program on FOXTEL – “the thin club”.
    I have always been interested in anorexia/bulimia & have always wanted to help in some way.
    I was an anorexic/bulimic for MANY years & I now have 3 beautiful little girls, & a loving husband – that I am SOOOOO proud of. (I am now 38 & live in Perth, Australia)
    My anorexia started at school, and I was scared to get on the scales in year 3!!!! (I also have a twin sister, & she was scared also!!) – We were normal weight, but I have to say, our mother was always commenting on the fact that we should be thinner – who knows how I got sick – maybe the divorce, maybe for not being what my mum wanted, maybe fear of failure?? Who knows.
    I have 3 sister’s – we all went to a private school in Sydney. We all grew up in a great area, went to a great school, and then our parents started fighting.
    By year 7 & this was (and still is) a big year for any little girl. I wanted to make more friends, belong to a “group”, to be “someone” (other than my sister’s TWIN).
    I found it difficult & thus, found if I could control my food intake & loose weight I would be accepted.
    I was hospitalized at 40kg.
    I was then sent home when I reached my appropriate weight, only to be hospitalized another 3 times – my lowest weight was 33kg – how sad did I look & feel – I am sure if anyone reads this they know how I was feeling!!
    Anyway….what I think I am trying to say is that was my lowest point – I still did my final exams & got a great mark, but the lowest of lows came when I became bulimic – I used to hide vomit under the bed & in cupboards!!! YUCKKKKKK.
    I actually got over this (& I honestly don’t know how – I was a full on bulimic – throwing up in the sink, wherever I had to).
    I decided to move back to Sydney, as my twin’s boyfriend had moved in, so I felt I was no longer needed!
    I then met my husband – & my GOD, I think that is why I am alive today.
    I LOVE my food, wine & having a great time, but I look back at those days & think “SHIT” – I still have horrible days, I still have pressures, I still put pressure on myself about being anorexic & bulimic & hope that my daughters don’t have the low self esteem that I do/did & hope that I give them all enough love & support that I didn’t get.
    I am not a proana supporter, but am interested in it – I would like to help others if I could.
    axx

  101. A mother and sister says:

    I hope I didn’t over step my place, but I felt I needed to reply to Angry and Poor. I am a single mother of 3 who works a full time job and my children don’t go hungry. I have to pay for my Internet service and still have food for myself and my children. If you are so worried about taking food out of your childrens mouths, should you be on here? The service fee should pay for you enough food to eat for a while. I come to this site and I am not an overweight person just because I choose to read about people like my sister who have an eating disorder. I feel that if I can get to know from other people what her world is really like it will help me to help her. Some people with eating disorders don’t want them and are trying to get better. They just can’t seem to find the strength or support they need to get the help. Here they have found someone that will listen and does care. I don’t understand your rant over someone who is trying to help people get better. She does say things about the pro-ana site but she also receives alot of bad comments…..most not as bad as yours though….really I hope your children don’t have to listen to that language. We are adults and it makes no sense for people to write such silly words that even written, can be ignored. If people would learn to support one another instead of cussing and carrying on we could help alot more people. I am new to this site and what I have read on MamaVision has been about someone that answers questions of people who are where you think you are now from someone who has been there. So far on the pro-ana site all I see are people who are giving advice about new ways to keep from throwing up, new drugs to take to make you have diarrhea, or vitamins to take to help suppliment their bodies so they don’t have to eat and people who answer the questions that are still sick and proud of losing weight for men…thinking that those few pounds they will lose will change the mind of a man who isn’t even interested anymore. One lady said she was going for a weight of 90lbs to get a man back…she was once at that weight and he left her, why does she think it will change anything by going back to that weight….if he loved her, appearance wouldn’t matter. Love is love, it is there for you no matter what. I can see that alot of the people who have these eating disorders have gone through alot in life. I also know from my sisters experience that things happen that people can’t control. Another thing I don’t understand is when you start to control your eating, in the very beginning, it is for the feeling of control. Don’t you just lose the control again to the eating disorder after a time? So what is actually gained by doing it? Some people have been put down all their lives, I know how easy it is to believe everything bad that is said about you. My brother was always told he was stupid…so he thought he was, even when he is not. My sister was raped when she was little which brought on her ed, but by trying to control your weight just to lose control of you life, doesn’t that just lets them win again? It doesn’t hurt the one that hurt you. You only hurt yourself. I am not saying any of this stuff to be mean I just feel bad for those who suffer through this everyday of their life. You aren’t the only people who suffer ….the people who love you do too…and even if you don’t think there is anyone out there that does….. you have friends on here …they care! They hurt when you do. I only ask these questions because I have seen my sister where you all are at and I would like to know from you what you think would help. You are there I am not, help me understand. She was at her lowest 86lbs at 5’6″. She is at 106 so she is doing better now, but like you I know it is a daily even hourly struggle. She has support and love, I wish that were enough. Best wishes to all of you and know you are in my prayers everynight. I even sat down with my 13 year old daughter last night and talked to her about this. I asked her if she had any issues with her weight. She said she wished she was skinnier. She is 5’6″ and 127 lbs. I told her I thought she looked wonderful for her height and weight. I also told her that no matter how big or little she was I would always love her because of who she is not what she looked like. I brought her in here and showed her pictures of people that were ill from eating disorders and talked to her about them. I also showed her the models that have died from this. I have always tried to be open and honest with my children and let them know they can come to me with anything. I am sorry I wrote a book but I felt very passionate about this topic.

  102. Amanda says:

    On this subject……………………………….
    Well, where do I begin?
    I honestly believe that anorexia could be of genetic predisposition?
    Who knows?
    Yet I have been involved in a world wide research project just about this………….. interesting??????
    My father’s mother was an active anorexic all of her miserable life!
    My mother’s mother tended towards bulimic behaviour!
    My mother, well……………………………………. an E.D.N.O.S.!
    Enough said?
    Hell no!
    All my life, and I mean since conception, yip, in utero, one is aware of one’s surroundings, and the immediate responces that occur to and with your mother!
    This is my personal understanding of my illness!
    I have classic “parental problems” around food! That’s a given, considering my family mileu and their warped ideas of what the socially acceptable woman/mother/wife should look and behave like!
    That to me is boring!
    We all have a choice, some grow up in exactly the same scenario, and never present with an E.D.?
    However, some/many, many many more do now!
    I don’t understand a load of this, as we are all unique and have our own stories to tell, and I know that some may just become drug-addicts instead! That is still a major illness, a mental health issue of low self-esteem and a serious lacking of self-confidence!
    Growing up in my family?
    Chaotic! Especially for a sensitive soul like me!
    Born-
    pyloric valve problems, an inability to ingest anything without immediate projectile vomitting!
    post-natal depressive mother
    constantly ill baby
    constant crying
    onset of petit-mal( my way of shutting off from the chaos and turmoil within my family home)
    toddler-
    blanks
    witness to some heinous acts on my mother
    more blanks
    fussy eating with many intolerances and allergys
    kid-
    watched and witnessed certain behaviours acted out constantly
    learned from watching
    blanks again
    criticised
    ridiculed
    belittled( yip, I WAS ONLY A LITTLE GIRL- trying to be that little girl)
    school-
    hah! loved to get out of the house
    took up each and every sport and activity going
    pressure
    be good
    be perfect
    be the best
    blanks
    tried to be the best
    tried to be perfect
    was constantly good
    BUT……………………….. could not cope with all the activities and trying to be the best and……………….. got very, very ill!
    actually prayed to die, each and every night
    went to hospital
    comatosed for a month
    made it
    you need to know i would not consume the hospital food, my mother had to bring me my “special” foods in!
    i was just 7 years old
    life continues-
    i tried to continue in the best way possible
    what was to come?
    hell, i wouldn’t wish it on anyone
    but, i am still alive today
    sometimes i ask myself how and why
    but, i must have a purpose?
    i have left the rest, from adolescence into adulthood blank
    think of the worst case scenario, in each and every humanly possible situation, and WHAM
    hah! i had a successful career as a ballet dancer
    TRUTH
    another way to disappear, become the role that you are required to dance
    and yip, the need to be thin/emaciated is required aswell
    as i see it, i had the absolute BEST TEACHERS IN THE WORLD ON HOW NOT TO DO IT
    now that all seems so sad and such a waste, as i am too old and have done too much damage to my little body in order to have my own family and to teach, guide and learn from them respectively
    hey, who knows, i could so easily get triggered by pregnancy anyway, and my knowledge of severe “traditional” pregnant anorexics is one of extreme hardship
    i am not denying the fact that i do know some that have changed their lives around due to the fact that they feel so blessed to be able to have just one! and fear passing on this destructive disease
    we are all different
    you must always remember that
    doctors can label you
    and pigeon hole you
    and you can tick all of those boxes
    yet only you can make the choice to live
    hey, i haven’t lived
    i’ve existed
    it’s sad and oh so true for so many
    i saw the video of Gil,
    and that WAS me, just 6 months ago after 26 years of illness
    and
    i am alive, not well, but alive and a whole load better
    i am grateful every morning i wake up, as i have been granted another 24 hours
    my mother and her food issues………………………. they are constant and ongoing, i have seen her emaciated for much of my life,
    on divorcing my father however,
    her weight has sky-rocketed
    she tells me she is “happy”
    yeah right! what anorexic is ever happy?
    never thin enough, right?
    well, the perfect anorexic is a dead anorexic
    and i have many, many dead friends now
    lost a really good friend last summer,
    she was doing well,
    in recovery,
    honest, and you know, from years of starvation, her little heart could not keep up anymore, she was only 28
    the reality of this illness
    IT KILLS
    you think and are so deluded that you are invincible and just like that, you are struck down with a heart attack
    it happened to me
    at 33, and i lay on a coronary ward with geriatrics
    yet i defeated the beliefs of my doctors that i would not live
    not to mention the countless overdoses both during and after being in an E.D.U.
    self-harm comes with the territory
    what, please tell me
    is the recent upsurge and fascination with these severe mental health problems?
    why are there these “emo” kids?
    christ, i would not have wished my pathetic life on anyone, yet we find this “movement” arising-
    it is beyond me!
    also the whole “social” anorexic thing really pisses me off!
    i have been in units for far too long now and i have come across this “new breed”
    wannabees etc.etc.etc.
    get out of my face
    i never knew any other way, besides i perpetuated it to keep me silent and silenced and emotionless
    when i became in touch-somewhat after treatment,
    i would resort to other self-destructive behaviours as my emotions were far too intense and ever so frightening and overwhelming
    get a grip all of you
    this is scary stuff
    hey, i could rant on and on and on
    oi-yoi-yoi
    hope to get a response???????
    i’m not scary and i dont bite(hee-hee, i dont eat remember)
    hope to be here again
    God willing
    Love and Light
    xxx

  103. Amanda says:

    Just me again…………………. forgot to add,
    we were apparently seen as the “BRADY BUNCH” family!
    Perfect in every way?
    Father- pillar member of society, highly educated and an extremely successful and wealthy businessman
    Mother- of very good “stock”, and gave her time tirelessly to numerous charities
    Well, never judge a book by it’s cover!
    You never know what goes on behind closed doors???????

  104. Amanda says:

    Ooooooooooooooops! me again!
    Sorry, but i think i came to the wrong page on this site???????
    Eeeeeeeeeeeeek! not on the right topic here and i apologise profusely!
    Will attempt to do better next time
    Take care

  105. Amanda says:

    Been doing some thinking about this and………….. I find the whole concept of mother’s consciously accepting the fact that they are pro-ana, and living the ana life absolutely horrific!
    My mom is E.D.N.O.S. well, she was anorexic practically most of my “home” life, yet still, to this day, she is in serious denial that she was/is a sufferer of an E.D.
    She refuses to believe that her behaviours had a profound effect on both me and my sister. (Forgot to add that my little sister also succumbed to this illness!)
    You see, she is now overweight, so her reasoning is……………. how could I possibly have an E.D. if I am fat???????
    What she refuses to remember is that I have a memory, and a rather vivid one at that!!!!!!!
    I recall visits to her “diet doctor” who would inject her with god knows what??????? probably some form of appetite suppresent or I guess more commonly known as speed???????
    I am no doctor, so I really don’t know???????
    Anyway, if any pro-ana mothers ever read this, you are really sick, just like my mom, however you are promoting this illness, where as my mom was so ill she has/could not accept the fact!
    You need to seek help, before one of your children die, and of late, there are many more boys falling prey to anorexia, wake up and smell the coffee!

  106. Jaycee says:

    i know this is not a new post, but i was skimming the blog…and i did not read all the comments so this may have been covered…
    but what about us, those of us who suffered in our pre teen years, thru our teen..into young adulthood…and just as those of you who cant shake it now as a young person…we cant just magically shake it at the time we give birth, as if it will just dissapear. Its that same war, black and white, two people inside your head, the angel and the devil…the loving mom, and the eating disordered human with a name other than just mom. After we give birth we still have first names, and even tho we love our children, and bring on the title of MOM, we are still, alot of us, addicted,and sick….somtimes moreso because of the postpardom blues, or the weight gain from the pregnancy, or count in the fact that its an added stress of being mom where there are lil ones who need and latch on to us and we loose whatever bit of inner self we were learning to grasp…mom doesnt automatically mean cured… we struggle just like a teenager, because most of us, were teenagers with an eating disorder…it never fully goes away… there was a comment, how can someone set there and blog about their eating disorder with the kid in the background–selfish? yes but arnt we all by doing this? Understand this or not, its like suicide, when your mind can only feel the releif in the decision of suicide, and altho they, alot of them leave loved ones, they get to a point where they are so desperate, so sick, their mind shut off to the rememberance that they are leaving behind loved one– they numb out and bathe in the fact that they found a way out. Just like an eating disorder…we do love our kid, but we can be so sick, we give to our kids, but still latch on to the eating disorder as our way out, numbingly hanging on to the title as a way of comfort and so used to the motions of it all… on one hand we tell ourselves to try and snap out of it, and feel horrible at what its doing to us, our kids, ect..but feel like we are waching a car accident in slow motion and are too stuck, depressed, and caught that we cannot do anything about it but hate ourselves…so the cycle continues…mom or not…

  107. Laura says:

    MamaV,

    I dont think its fair to say its selfish and nasty to be an ED mother because most people do not choose to have an ED so therefor..how can they be selfish! theyr not! theyr just ill. and it is unfair that this website applies that to minds that are aleady weak and unstable.

  108. K says:

    I was always so afraid to end up like my mom. She was overweight and had a lot of medical problems due to it. She’d always tell me that I was heading down the same route as her and making the same mistakes that she did and I was going to end up obeese and dying in my twenty’s because my heart would fail. She wanted me to lose weight, join the gym, all for my “health.” Calling me overweight and poking at my “love handles” and calling me “thunderthighs” seemed quite hypocritical of her.

    Then when I was too thin she sent me to the hospital. She never accepeted there was a problem, not until I was at a healthy weight, where she started poking fun again. Wants me to join the gym, wants me to lose weight.

    I don’t blame my mom for my eating disorder, because that would be unfair. I do hold her to some responsibility of why I can’t seem to let it go.

  109. elle says:

    I’m pretty tired, but my understanding of this article was not that ALL parents that have eating disorders are awful parents, but more that parents who glorify their eating disorder and flaunt it are surely more likely to influence their children.

    A lot of the indignant mothers that have posted here DO sound like brilliant mums, of course you can be an amazing parent and have an eating disorder!

    My interpretation of MamaV’s article is that, if mothers are quite happy to boast about their weight loss and post pictures up of empty fridges on the web for the world to see, and incinuate that this is something enviable that other people should aim for, then it gives the impression that they would be just as disinhibited around their family.

    My own belief was that this is probably is not the case a lot of the time. But I can see the logic, and to be honest some of the appalling posts both here and on the aforementioned livejournal site by “angry moms”, seem to back up this assumption!

    Incidentally- it’s an awful situation when you can’t afford to eat, and obviously if you are giving the little food you have to your kids you are clearly a good mother.
    However, sorry if I’m being ignorant but I can’t see how this is classed as an “eating disorder”? Surely not having enough money is not a type of mental illness? I don’t understand why “angry and poor” is getting so riled when this article wasn’t aimed at people who can’t eat because they’re poor, but more at people who are proud to be mentally ill and don’t care who see’s it (including the kids).

    For the record, if this post makes no sense it’s because I’m tired! If I’ve got the wrong end of the stick I apologise. I have never had a diagnosed “eating disorder”, the reason I stumbled across this site is actually because Im a student mental health nurse, and I’ve been working with adolescents for a while now. I am big on research, for part of this I use pro ana forums and sites. This is largely to keep up to date with the kind of literature my patients are reading and to get an insight into “their world”. Through doing this, I stumbled upon MamaV.

    Bed time! xx

  110. ana says:

    my mother is asian. ASIAN.

    you dont know what its like having an asian mother living in canada.

    you seriously dont know.

  111. may says:

    this is sad to me because youre judging when youve never been in this situation before yourself. i dont necessarilly think its great to go online and talk about it on end with other anorexic mothers, but anorexia is a disease, one that ive suffered with for many years. when i got pregnant with my son, i had to change my lifestyle and my eating, but attempting to change my thought process has been to no avail. and it is because even women who go to treatment for the disease, they tell you that you will never truly be like everyone else. it still will worry you. it still will cross your mind, and you still will be very careful what you eat. that will never change because were different mentally than others. but we can learn to at least love ourselves enough to not make it our first focus, and i know that my son is my first focus, and that there is nothing i can do to stop wanting to be thin and eat accordingly. but my son comes first and it is horribly wrong for you or anyone else to judge on something that you have absolutely no experience or suffering with. we suffer so much. it is not fun to wake up every morning and avoid the mirror no matter how thin you really are. we cant see it properly, and it is very difficult to overcome. and just because a woman has given birth does not exclude her from having the feelings shes always had, if anything they are made stronger by her body changes. it has been a constant battle for me, and i think you should be praising mothers who deal with this awful disease for trying and for putting their children first, and to encourage them to love themselves. not make them hate themselves more and feel even more guilty. guilt feeds the disease. dont feed the disease.

  112. Dmp says:

    I think you dont get it. I think you dont understand that people go into and out of recovery all the time. SO mayeb these women wrre better before they had their kids and then relapsed.

    ITs hard to get out fo it its really hard. I know because Ive been trying for a really long time. 2 treatments later and im still trying. and it pisses me of and makes me feelliek crap to hear you call these people selfish. Its a struggle …one you clearly dont understand if youre going to call them selfish.

    I cnat even type im so mad like im 24 and i want to have a family someday, i want to believe i’ll get overthis i really do. I want to beleieve ill one day have kids and be able to not do it with them. But what if i relapse then im all of a sudden a horribel person? thanks.

  113. amy says:

    Thought id just further back up Dmp. I was a ‘recovering/recovered’ – (take your pic) – for 4 years. in Nov 07 i had the hardest week of my life. 2 friends lost in 2 horrific car crashes, boyfriend troubles, etc etc etc. it all happened at once. and woosh! everything fell down around me. feeling unable to cope one day i thought….ill go to the gym, relieve some stress. and then thought…perhaps i’ll just miss lunch today – really let my weight go. and the rest is history as they say. within the space of a week id gone from ‘recovered’ right back to ‘anorexic’, and im very much in the heart of it now.

    Not being a mother myself, i can only begin to comprehend the stresses felt by a new mother, from sleepless nights, to financial issues, to physical strain, to post natal depression, with post pregnancy body issues on the top. I can understand how someone could find it very easy to give in to ED, with all of that on their plate.

    Another thing that doesnt seem to be mentioned much is the mindset of the eating disordered. In my experiences, most do not realise the physical and mental implications of their disorder. happy ignorant. feeling far too fat for it to be a risk. I can imagine that i would feel far worse for my kids having a mother who is fat and greedy and disgusting, than having a mother who is thin, and just doesnt eat much.

    I understand that in reality it is an awful lot more complex than this, but i empathise with ana/mia mothers telling themselves this, excusing what their doing. too ill, too caught up, to fully grasp any kind of consequence of their actions.

    My point? Sickness, not selfishness.

  114. Karen says:

    “Josie
    October 24, 2007 at 12:16 pm
    MamaV – mental and physical illnesses are not things that someone can just deal with!!! My mum had both mental and physical illness and now she’s dead …. in your high standards does that mean she failed me as a mother? Should anyone with a health issue not be allowed to have children because it’s going to harm them?

    You KNOW that the rates of recovery for eating disorders is dismally low. Many believe there’s no point in trying to recover because they believe they’ll always be sick, and that’s one of the many reasons people turn to pro-ana sites.

    And why shouldn’t these women post their issues online? Why should they stay quiet about their suffering? Why is it different for anorexic mothers, when your own forum has those with eating disorders discussing their issues?

    Just because someone is posting online doesn’t mean they’re not caring for their children. And isn’t that a bit hypocritical of you to say, when you come online a lot and spend time travelling, away from your own children?
    My dad went away travelling on business much like you do, and that ’scarred’ me as much as my mum having mental health issues.”

    How can you support sites like LiveJournal Proanorexia? How can you support the sharing of “thinspo” photos/encouragement to fast/lie about weight/lie to everyone concerned/trade tips on vomiting/fasting/restricting/etc, for people who claim to suffer from a mental illness?. How can you support this?

    The very title PRO means to promote, or in favor of. Sites like that are not about support, unless you mean supporting someone while they actively kill themself.

    LiveJournal proanorexia makes me ill. It’s full of emo ‘tweens and drama queens. As for your statement that mental and physical illnesses are not something that you can just deal with, I would remind you that people do it every day. It may not be easy, but most people manage it without encouraging others to follow their same path. They barely notice it there when one of their own has died.

    You don’t see sites like pro-cancer or pro-depression often. Because, again, how can you PROmote that which is actively killing you?

    I recovered from an eating disorder. I still struggle from time to time, but I finally realized that at the end of the day, it is up to me to fix whats wrong. No one else is going to do that for me.I am thankful that I never landed on a PROsuicide site like LJ pro ana.

  115. Anonymous says:

    Don’t you realize that these women have a disease too? It is horrible that they are going through this and subsequently, their children, but do you know how many of these women would love to be free from the grips of an eating disorder? It isn’t something you can just snap out of, and even if you recover, those eating disorder thoughts never go away. Have some sympathy instead of bashing them.

  116. Karli says:

    My mom doesnt know it,but she is causing me to not eat.Things she say’s tear me up inside and all i can think about is how to loose an extra 5 pounds.
    All my friends think im “beautiful” but what they say isnt good enough. I can’t stand to look at myself in th emirror.I disgust myself.Then theres my perfect sister who i want to look exactly like. She too thinks im “fat” and i need to loose about 40 pounds. It’s embarassing to be at home with her and a friend and all she can talk about is how bad i look. I started to cut my eating habits and vomit after i eat “alot”. Some have noticed and are worried about me. Quite honestly so am I. Why is it everyone is so much more skinnier then me? God i want to be stick thin.

  117. Emmaline says:

    My mother has always been obese. Always. Ever since I was a little tiny baby.

    And because my family was fat, I gained tons of weight when I was little. But all through it my mom would grab me by the arm and hiss into my ear that I needed to lose weight and that I was a fat little bitch.

  118. Kat says:

    Okay, so, my mum?

    She is the kindest person I know, and has absolutely nothing to do with my somewhat negative body image.

    She’s not the thinnest person in the world, but she deals with it, y’know? She’s the most inspirational person I’ve ever met.

    She used to go to weight-loss groups when she was younger, about the time I was born. She was featured on the cover of one weight-loss magazine for losing the most weight over a period of time, I think. I’m not exactly sure.

    But another thing I must add; the woman quoted is ill. She’s most likely on the Pro-Ana site because she needs help and support, not neccessarily because she’s Pro-Ana herself. My mother couldn’t eat anything at all when she was pregnant with me, and she ended up in hospital. My mother is definitely not Pro-Ana.

    Over and out,
    Kat.

  119. Sarah says:

    I’ve suffered with weight issues due to anorexia almost my entire life and have “recovered” many times in my life and ill tell you now.. Anorexia isn’t something your cured of just because your a mom. I’m pregnant now with my 1st child and I’m striving to maintain a healthy relationship with food simply for the prenatal health my daughter. Does that sound selfish to you? No. Its not selfish. Anorexia doesn’t branch from a concept of selfishness, it is indeed the opposite. Women who live with this often times are the most selfless people, selfish is no way to describe someone with this condition. And yea, a kid picks up on mommys views on food only if mommy puts it out there honestly, is it a bad thing that a child never sees mommy gorge herself? Obesity is an epidemic now and its more unhealthy than anorexia. Kids don’t understand the mental state of anorexia they only understand what they see day to day. Generally anorexic mothers will put out a positive impression on kids about food. This is something we suffer through and I guarantee no mom wants their child to endure this. Anorexia is no worse than obesity, and as I said before, obesity is the biggest epidemic in developed countries, particiarly the U.S. Would you rather teach your child that its normal to be obese and sick or teach her to control her food intake and reduce her chances of diseases later in life? I myself am obese now that I’m pregnant. I’m 5ft 3 and weigh roughly 200 pounds so I’m not bashing fat people at all. Being pregnant and still having these terrible views of food isn’t easy. I was barely 100 pounds when I became pregnant. I’m now 32 weeks and have gained a whole person! When ur anorexic and gain weight you really gain alot and not being in control of your gain is the hardest thing. I hope you’ll understand that many women have eating issues after pregnancy because of this significant gain. The pressure is really hard to deal with. Please be more sensitive to people with this issue, its really beyond our control. We don’t bash you guys for not being anorexic so please don’t bash us for our problems.

  120. lilyflor says:

    this is sad, a sad reality that too many people can relate to. Getting over anorexia and bulimia is one of the hardest things I have ever done.. still struggling now. But, my mother was never a good influence and did not provide me with positive motivation or any sort of uplifting advice. I caught the disease from her in the first place, and she is now 50 years old, struggling still. It’s so incredibly difficult to finally overcome the limitations we place on ourselves from annorexia and bulimia because no matter what, they will always be in the back of our mind. I never feel comfortable in a bathing suit, in much of anything I wear, and it’s not something someone can tell you, that you’re beautiful. What good is a compliment if you don’t believe it? Growing up, I remember in fourth grade and then on while I was struggling, I vowed to never make my daughter suffer as I did. Ever.

  121. Bekka says:

    Anorexia nervosa is a mental illness. It’s not vain; in fact, it’s quite the opposite. It’s an attempt at a slow, painful suicide: yes, it is detrimental to relationships, but do not in any way call it selfishness. I’m only fifteen and I’ve been struggling with anorexia nervosa for five years. Oh, yes, I’m SO vain: I TOTALLY want my liver to stop working, my hair to fall out, my bones to break and my brain to shrink. It’s my life’s goal. Premature baldness is definitely the way to look beautiful, there’s no doubt about that. In fact, I’m pretty sure that I’d never looked better back in August when I’d wash my hair and get clumps of lovely locks in my hands instead of on my head and my BMI was under fifteen. I was H-O-T back then, let me tell you; I was one vain mother-fucker and I thought I looked LOVELY. Especially since I was trying to kill myself. It was out of complete selfishness. Self-hatred is SO the most vain thing to do, even more so than plastic surgery or staring at a mirror all day. Yes, we stare into mirrors for hours at our bodies, but here’s the difference between vanity and anorexia nervosa: while vain people toss their heads and smile at themselves, we pinch our bodies and cry because we hate ourselves so much.

    • kailey says:

      beautifully put – l’m sure you’re one of those who the drs say to “Oh you’re so articulate and insightful – how can you be doing this?”…
      Do take care though

  122. silversong says:

    Hey there,
    Firstly I would like to say that i have bee following your blogs and would like to use some of the ideas you put forward in a school project on the morality of size 0 models if that is ok with you?
    Secondly, I am 17 and a healthy 9 stone 7 and I am happy with my weight. I have been scouted by two major model agencies and would like to point out that many of the ‘thinspiration’ photographs are AIRBRUSHED and EDITED and so do not show the real figure of the models/celebrities! Also, if I can be scouted, it is not necessary to starve yourself.
    Thirdly (and most related to this post) about my mother. Everyday she tells me how ‘fat’, ‘dumpy’, ‘chubby’, ‘obese’ and ‘over-weight’ I look. This continual self esteme battering since I was 12 has affected not only my image of myself, but making me eat more as a sort of pathetic rebellion against her. The number of times I’ve heard people say to me that she ‘only means well’! I dread the school holidays when she puts me on a salad diet. Just water and salad. Now I find myself gaining weight just from eating the unhealthy rubbish they serve at school as there is no food at home. My mother has ruined my self image, imposed her own views upon me and caused me to swing in the opposite direction from the one intended.
    Thanks for listening and carry on doing a great job!

  123. Pingback: pro anorexia

  124. Laura says:

    I’ve said it several times and I’ll say it again. ANOREXIA IS NOT VAIN. It is about HATING oneself and having ZERO self-esteem! These people, these mothers, they WANT DESPERATELY to be positive role models. But they do not know how to get out from under the clutches of their ED. And accusing them of being vain will only hurt them more and drive them further into self-hatred. I know this because I am suffering from ED-NOS and the LAST thing I want is for someone looking up to me to think that EDs are fun, pretty, glamorous, or cool. I make it very clear to ANYONE who tells me I’m pretty/skinny that my life is NOT perfect and I do NOT want them to be like me. It’s a terrible road to go down and NO ONE with an ED would wish one an anybody. Especially not their own children.
    Peace.

  125. Anonymous says:

    i know how all you guys feel

    you look in the mirror hoping to see perfection but all you see is fat and ugly

  126. Roxy says:

    I know that some people really do have a problem with their weight, but why let it go this far? There are people dying every single day of malnutrition every single day in third world countries – and they have no choice. They don’t choose not to eat, they simply have no food. Whereas selfish people like this starve themselves on purpose which is very very selfish as these little children from these third world countries would do anything to eat half of our recommended daily intake. I truly do understand that people do have a problem & i think that they should get help before it comes the cause of their death. Everybody must remember that there ARE people out there who care about you – weither it is family or friends or even your doctor or people passing by you in the street. People do get worried about people with pro anorexia. I used to suffer from anorexia at the very young age of thirteen. With help from my friends, my family and specialist doctors, i managed to overcome it and now i am a size 10, which is healthy. I can eat what i want now, as long as i manage to go to the gym 2 or 3 times a week. It was a mental illness that took over my life for 5 years. I am more in control of my life now and i feel a lot happier. I have even donated lots of money to charities helping these people in third world countries. I want to help people get out of this state. Please people, wake up and look around you. You have children who look up to & admire you as their mother. You don’t want them to end up malnurished like these children in third world countries when they could be fit and healthy. We do care.

  127. Sara says:

    I’m 18.

    I have a lot of problems because of my mother and I have no idea how I got to be as successful as I am today.

    My mother was overweight and then she became really thin with a lot of bad habits. Smoking, binge eating and just recently drinking and purging.

    My mother put me on my first diet when I was eight years old. My childhood was quite literally a string of different diets and hiding my body. The irony is that I was never, ever overweight. My house is filled with only low-cal, fat-free, splenda foods.I have been a competitive figure skater since I was young and my mother would make me train way more than I should have for my age. The overtraining has caused numerous injuries that eventually cost me my skating career. Without the caloric intake I needed to have, I would black out on the ice and throw up several times and continue skating. I fell down stairs, convulsed after giving blood, and many times I was too weak to stand.

    Since I was a little girl I could hear my mom making herself throw up at night and waking up to find the remnants in the toilet. She would hide my halloween candy so I wouldn’t eat it and then binge on it at night. I cannot tell you how many prescription pills I have found in her purses.

    She is mentally and verbally abusive. It is like living with teenaged girls who are constantly trying to break you down. My mother makes comments which seem innocent but are full of venom. And when I call her on it she lies sweetly through her teeth and says that it’s my twisted mind that manipulates the meaning of her words.

    Just recently I became very violent and then I started hurting myself. I’ve stopped now but it is still hard. She turned my father (who I was once very close with) against me and he can barely stand to be in the same room with me. One time I caught her making fun of me to my then boyfriend and it escalated into the two of them screaming at me in public about how awful I was. She has hit me but only a few times.

    The thing is that I know she loves me. But I also know that she is sick. She has messed me up more than she can even admit to herself. Sometimes she sees the light but only for a few days, then she is back to her evil ways. I don’t think she can mentally bare it.

    The point is to any mothers reading this; I implore you not to pass your problems to your children. I never deserved what my mother did to me and no child does either. I am so lucky that I was so smart and I could see through it so young because my outcome could have been very different.

    There are hundreds of horror stories I have about my mother, please don’t let your child grow up feeling like I did.

  128. Anonymous says:

    i think its very unfair for you to say that a parent with an eatting disorder is selfish and if a social worker saw what was on the site that they would take there children away ect….

    Just becasue someone posts thinspo pictures on a profile or talks about how they have fasted for the past couple days, or how this women was complaining how she could not hold any food in her stomache….like if you have not realized these women are sick, physically and mentaly…its an major battle, one that i dont think you totally understand at times. I myself am not pro ana but on my myspace page there are photos of mary kate and some other thin girls, and things that say to eat or not to eat that is the question ect..but thoes are my feelings and the things i struggle with every single day that does not make me a PROMOTER of eatting disorders. I know its not right for me to be doing this to myself, that im never going to be satisfied, I know im not “fat” but i cant BELIEVE IT and for alot of people they know what they are doing to themselves and how its unhealthy ect….but when your wraped in that world, living daily with the thoughts and feelings its hard to climb on up outta that whole most of us get into. I think you might even be suprised at how many of them might have also gone to treatment, and maybe more than once and still cant shake this deasies….its something more than being a selfish person its not like they want there kids to live the life they did, i sure as hell dont and they must be terrifed that they cant stop or change there ways and what if my child follows in my foot steps…i just think you think anyone with a picture of a think girl or bloging about there fustrations or thougths about wanting to maybe starve one more day…if you read all the blogs youll see that they also state why cant i stop, whats wrong with me you just find the ones that dont state that and make a big fuss about it. I will admit that there are some out there who are pro ana and are dead set in there ways but again its a deasies. but the main thing is just stop kinda asuming everyone who has a blog on eds or a myspace page about theres does not make them TEACHING others…these people need a place to vent and communicate with others who understand…

  129. Mis says:

    You need to remember that those “selfish” women have a clinical Disorder. What you don’t know is how absolutely awful it is to wake up knowing your day is run by what you consume, and how you consume, and when you consume. Who is the skinniest mama at Stitch and Bitch? In some social circles that matters, and drives women to impossible standards. Money is a factor, as well. The more, the thinner. Try to help instead of harm, you may actually see you have a few large flaws, yourself.

  130. emmy. says:

    first off, i do have to agree with Mis: they are not trying to be “selfish.” they are sick, as upsetting as the situation is. they are mentally ill.

    second, i grew up in a house that surrounded me with food and dieting situations. my mom did her best to raise me with “normal” eating habits, despite her constant attempts at [healthy] weight loss (as she has always had a weight problem on the other side of the spectrum). Children notice it all.
    I had a girl in one of my treatment groups that did everything she could to keep her eating disorder hidden from her children.. and then walked in on her pre-double-digits daughter purging.

    this.. makes me so sad. hidden or not, it’s in their environment and there’s no shielding it no matter how hard you try. children are smarter than adults, sometimes. it just.. makes me so sad.

  131. MelAmber says:

    I am worried. My long time BF and I talk about getting pregnant all the time. Frankly, i am worried that my on going ED will not just vanish i do get pregnant, or have a child. It is like i just hope and pray that i will magically gain perspective once i get pregnant. Is this just mis-guided, stupid optimism, or, does getting pregnant really have such a profound impact, that i will be forced to take a step back and really get ‘well’???

    I certainly DO NOT want my ED to impact my future children…but, does having an ED mean that i should not have the chance to procreate?

    Assuming the readers of this post are articulate, smart women (maybe some men) …I would like to hear your thoughts..

  132. kailey says:

    I had severe anorexia as a teenager, however prior to having children was, or thought l was, recovered. However l seem to be relapsing. I’ve been thinking greatly about this.
    My children are now two and four and a half. My husband has chosen to work in Africa for the last 18 months (8weeks there, 4 weeks home.)to further his career. This means l have been unable to work outside of the home.
    Both girls have suffered horrendous tonsillitis (since removed in both) and we’ve spent many, many hours awake in the night with high temperatures and pain, in both. My youngest daughter regularly stopped breathing due to her enlarged tonsils, and l used to lay up watching her breathe, and gently shaking her awake when she stopped.
    Now my husband is finishing up in Africa, and we are due to move interstate. And for some reason, this is when problems have begun to reoccur.
    My eldest daughter has felt very anxious in regards to the move. Being a highly sociable child, she is saddened by the upcoming loss of her friends. I have certainly felt her anxiety. My youngest is exceptionally bright and demanding – thus taking away much of the time l could use to help and prepare my elder daughter. This too, has created anxiety in me.
    One thing l know for certain, is that, for me who has always liked a certain ammount of control, children can quickly take that from you. All coping mechanisms (long walks, time to read a book, to talk on the phone, to THINK!) are very much demanded by the child, and quite impossible to do – Time out is not an option at this stage.
    Eating, which l had thought l had gained positive control over has become erratic. A meal for me involves (usually the younger one) taking food from my plate (and if not liking it, spitting it back out on my plate), drink (which may or may not be poured all over the ground!) something else/different to eat, going to the toilet, yelling at each other etc etc…Going to the toilet myself, has become very difficult – having two kids follow me in, or yelling for help, can be a little off putting! – which eventually led to a severe bowel impaction, this too has left me frightened to eat at a reasonable level.
    And at a time l thought l was doing well, my husband came home from Africa and complained about the state of the house (yes, its surface clean, but my cupboards are ALWAYS a mess!) The triggering words were “Well its just not good enough to give all the time to the kids – what about a clean house for them?” That statement has rang through my ears many times over – and the feeling of being torn (between a child who loves mess) and the feeling of failing if l cant clean it all has been an added pressure.
    So right now, things don’t look good – they don’t feel right, and l certainly don’t feel right….
    My mother used to yell, which l don’t or can’t do – and call us messy disgusting, children – l refuse to do that. She certainly had her own eating issues (vomiting etc) and complained of my being fat as a child – which of course l would never, and hope l do never, do to my own children.
    But something has changed in me. I don’t think it is about being selfish, as such – l think it has more to do with trying very, very hard NOT to be selfish. Not to have my own needs, or my own wants. And although l may be told to just ignore it (“strap the child in the pram and go for that walk”) a screaming child can add greatly to my anxiety, and l cannot ignore it!!
    Anyway, l’m trying – and hoping that this is all just a phase, in all of us – but l’m scared also…

  133. sarah says:

    i think a woman can do what she wants so long shes able to hide it from her family. just bc a woman wants to make extra effort to be thin it doesnt mean she has to impose those views on her kids. you can learn how to act.

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