Eating Disorder ProAna Blogger Focused on Body Image and Self Esteem

A dear friend of mine sent me this song that you need to hear. This singer has struggled our struggles and she no doubt expresses it in this tune “Control.”

If only we could let it go, you know? It’s like we can gain glimpses of it, but then we slip back into our patterns of incessant worry over all the things that might happen, could be happening, will occur (even when 99% of it never does).

This is why I believe it is essential to surround yourself with people, music, images, and family who “get it” and who make you feel optimistic about yourself and life.

Have a listen, or two, or twenty — and keep your head screwed on straight today.

Lyrics: CONTROL
words and music by Dave and JJ Heller

The cut is deep, but never deep enough for me
It doesn’t hurt enough to make me forget
One moment of relief is never long enough
To keep the voices in my head
From stealing my peace

(more…)

Andre’a sent me this video and asked me to post it. After watching it, it is my pleasure to post it. I post this with a message of hope and prayer to all of you reading my blog.

I wish for you happiness, self confidence, and freedom from self hatred.

I wish for you glimpses of hope in your daily life that give you the energy to believe a better life awaits you.

I wish for you adults that have their heads screwed on straight, capable of guiding you down a path of self confidence and respect for your body.

I wish for you friends that surround you, encourage you, and never judge you.

Even if my wishes do not come true, you will make it. You are going to make it. This ED hell is going to pass, and you are going to live the life you were meant to. As horrific as all of this is, I truly believe it is happening for a reason. That reason alludes you now, but someday it will be clear.

As clear as it became to me when I started writing this blog 20 years after my struggles had past. The day I wrote my first post was the day I understood why I suffered so much to get to this place.

Love,

mamaV

XOXO

As I aways say, your life is now. Are you living today?

Sisters Erin and Jean, publishers of REAL magazine call themselves “Inspired Realists.”

That sure has a nice ring to it.

Download REAL magazine here!

The first issue of REAL magazine is wrapped in a fantastic design featuring an funky, elegant, witch, beauty queen. Inside, the creativity explodes with unique articles such as “Harajuku Girls” (brought to fame by Gwen Stefani), and “Happy or Hungry?” a must read for all mamaV fans.

They even resurrect the tired old phrase “Beauty is skin deep,” with their insightful piece that challenges the reader to understand their own beauty perceptions with a self poll that is sure to make you stop. Think. And rethink.

The only slight disappointment I had in REAL magazine is the editors were sucked into the same photo-shopped pro ana pictures I have fallen for in the past, with their showcase article “Hot, Blonde, Famous and Rich.”

I’m not sure how these two Aussie’ s, just 18 and 20, managed to gather so much wisdom so quickly, but they amaze me. I’m not the only one they have impressed.  The funds for this debut issue was provided by Rushworth Community House. Visit their myspace page to donate to the next issue. 

Hmmm…they even managed to coax me out of my funk. 

I’M BACK BABY!

-mamaV

Download REAL magazine here!

Misery. We wallow in it, we promote it, we continue behaviors to fuel it, all while telling others we are trying. Are we trying? Or have you given up at the moment?

If you are at the depths of your ED, you are probably ready to smack me right now, but that’s good. At least you are alive and thinking. The hard thing about eating disorders is they are all encompassing. You are either in, or out, there’s is not a lot of in between.

Plus nothing phases you when you are in deep. The mind reels incessantly, like a hamster on a wheel, squeaking as it spins, day in and day out, until you don’t know what normal is anymore. Can you imagine if someone was tape recording your daily thoughts? Nuts. Absolutely insane.

How many times would you say negative feelings about yourself?

How much would you be questioning your actions? What you said? How you said it? What ‘they’ think of you?

It’s a damn living nightmare, but I am here to say you can come back. Come back stronger, and harder, and more confident. You can beat this devil of a disease, but it takes persistence, resilience, and one hell of a lot of energy.

Let me tell you what’s waiting for you on the other side. Visualize being capable of;

Reading a book and not losing your place because you can’t concentrate on anything but hunger pains.

Sitting at the dinner table with friends, focused on their faces, expressions, and their words, rather than the food that will not stop calling your name.

The mirror becomes just a mirror, not the arch enemy, judge and jury.

Forgetting, honestly, forgetting to eat because you were so engaged in an activity.

Tell me the last thing you did where you felt like you were in the moment?

Just living life for life’s sake.

Let’s talk new year.  Fresh start. Breaking old habits. Building upon healthy ones.

I want you to: Believe, conceive, achieve.

-mamaV

PS my new year’s resolution is to stop underestimating. When it comes to time, energy, effort, you name it- I will underestimate what it will take to accomplish it. I like to call it “optimism….to a fault.”

A time bomb was ticking. It was time to face the facts.

Neck problems have plagued me the past decade. Physical therapy, trigger point injections, herbal medicine, yoga….you name it, I’ve tried it. Back in 2006, my mom convinced me to have an MRI, and what do you know, they found something.

A benign tumor, not the worst thing in the world. But the placement was a bit odd, since the thing had grown inside a vertebrae of my neck. Was this the source of my constant, sometime debilitating neck tension and headaches?

I set out on a journey to find the answer.

Opinion 1:
Top surgeon in the city, a bit cocky, but hey, you gotta be confident if you are going to be operating on spines all day. He recommends injecting cement into my vertebrae, in order to essentially “push” the tumor out. The bad news is he has to cut straight through the front of my throat, possibly affecting speech and swallowing.

Not an option.

Opinion 2:
Another highly regarded surgeon, 25 years experience, and nice demeanor. I trusted this guy. He looked me in the eye and said “If you were my wife, I would be concerned. You have a time bomb ticking.”

He goes on to say that his main concern is that this tumor, yet benign, may have grown through the back of the bone. Worst case scenario? The bone cracks, emergency surgery required, possible paralysis from the waist down.

Paralyzed? That’s a word you can’t quite swallow as a 38 year old mom. My kids. All I saw was my kids, and my ability to still see them, touch them, watch them. Ok, waist down. I can deal with that. There’s a hell of a lot worse health conditions to deal with right?

I haggle around these thoughts, these options, and possibilities for a good 6 months. I am procrastinating, I know this. I tell my husband, my dad, to stay on my case, make sure I follow through and call Mayo.

Opinion 3:
Mayo neurology department. I arrive in the Gonda building on Wednesday December 18th. Its the crack of dawn, after trekking the family on a 4 1/2 hour drive the night before. My husband and kids are back at the hotel pool, while I make my way up to the 8th floor to face my fate.

First, the Neurosurgeon sees me, runs his tests, asks a multitude of questions. He leaves, and comes back in the room joined by a smiley faced Neurologist.

“Have your prior doctors explained your films?” he asks me.
“Ahh, kind of” I respond.

They proceed by explaining to me where my tumor is, and why it is not endangering my spinal cord. I think I am getting the message, but I am hesitant to believe it. What about the “time bomb” and bone cracking paralysis?

“You shouldn’t even be here. This condition is benign, not the source of your muscle tension and head pain. Your vertebrae is stable, and I fully expect it to remain that way. I never say never to my patients, so I will say this. If your situation was to lead to paralysis due to spinal cord impingement, this would be a case we would record in medical journals due to the rarity of the occurrence.”

And with that, Smiley Face hands me his card, tells me to call anytime with questions, and wishes me a Merry Christmas.

I sit. I stare. I am stunned.

I’ve won the lottery. It’s more than I could have ever imagined,

mamaV