Eating Disorder ProAna Blogger Focused on Body Image and Self Esteem

Hi mamaV,

I have recently come across this website and was going to post in the forum but im not sure in ready for the public yet! However I really needed to tell someone how im feeling right now even if they dont respond and something inside tells me that you ‘will get it’.

I have struggled with bulimia since I was 18 and I guess you could say I am still in ‘recovery’. I have just turned 25 and am really trying to understand the way I feel right now and working out if it is normal.

Ok.. so Im at the stage where I am in the normal weight range and I no longer binge or purge on a daily basis. I do on occasion but only if I really feel it is needed. I eat and maintain my weight because I know its the right thing to do but inside I feel more miserable than ever! Its strange because people seem to think that if you are a certain weight then you must be fine but I can’t seem to stop the way my brain thinks.

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I heard the news of this commercial Yoplait commercial that was pulled after receiving pressure from the National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA) from several people and finally had a chance to see it this morning.

My reaction;

1) No shit this is triggering.

2) The second woman who grabs the yogurt, the one who inspires the first to make her decision on what to eat, looks gaunt, pale, and way thin…nice casting.

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Here is a video I recorded for a national effort to spread awareness for eating disorders, you NEED to get involved — if you are comfortable with exposing your self on video of course. Below is more detail on how to submit your video.

In this vid, I am responding to the question; “What do you wish people knew about eating disorders?” (I held it done to 4 min, but could have gone on for an hour, I am sure you relate).

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This guest post is from TwistedSister,
a 23 year old woman from the UK. In this post, she relays her
perspective of an incident that occurred when she was 13 years old,
struggling with mental illness and anorexia.

—-
Being looked up and down is never nice for anyone to endure, but
when you constantly have people doing it, it makes you wonder what is
so wrong with you that people feel the need to do it.

I have been constantly criticized on how I look and what I eat.
Mainly from family and females. Men have done it too but the main
judging has always come from females. Being judged by how I looked cut
me to pieces.

I remember one time that really got to me when I was out at the
shops to get milk for my mother. I walked around the shop looking for
what I needed, and I could feel someone looking at me. I always kept my
head down, ashamed of myself for even being in the public eye and I
tried to be as invisible as possible,  but I could feel someone looking
at me.

Without looking up I tried to find the person whose eyes were
burning into me, and then I saw her. She was probably in her late
teens, and she was just staring at me, I couldn’t understand why. She
then started whispering to her mate that was standing behind her and
started pointing at me. I heard them both laugh as they  kept pointing.
When the girl realized I could see her, she started shouting at me.

“What’s wrong with you?!” she yelled.

I kept silent.

“You look a mess. No one will ever fancy you. You will never get a boyfriend because you look like crap” she said.

She went on with the tirade —telling me my hair was dry and
horrible, that I was spotty and had fat legs. Before I could respond,
to this girl the cashier told me to come forward. As I walked to the
counter I could feel the eyes watching me as I moved, it felt like I
was in a freak show and the audience were watching the freak come to
the stage.

While I was paying the girls continued to laugh, then two boys
walked in and joined the queue with the girls. They asked what the
girls were laughing at and they told them they were laughing at me and
the state of me. They then joined in too, one boy shouted hey lard ass!
This made the rest of the group cackle like a bunch of bloody hyenas.

I paid as quickly as possible; I just wanted to get out of there and go home and hide.

“You don’t have a fat ass,” the cashier whispered to me as she
handed me my change (which I should have known seeing that I weighed 6
stone 3lbs). “They are just  jealous. Ignore them,” she said.

I nodded and ran crying my eyes out towards my house.

I hid in a bush for near on a hour, in tears, wondering what was so
wrong with me that people felt the need to keep hurting me, telling me
I wasn’t good enough and that I was fat. I believed them, I thought
that if so many people believed this was true well then it just must
be. I wiped my eyes and crawled out the bush, kept my head low and
walked home.

Soon as I got home mother started her usual rant about how long I
had been and what the hell was I thinking taking so long. I tried to
explain.

“What? Did ugliness stop you from walking? Or did your legs keep rubbing together so it got harder?” she preached.

That’s what I was asked.

I kept silent.

I put the milk on the counter along with the change and ran to my
bedroom where I shut the door and hid under my bed. My self esteem was
in shreds, I hated myself, I cut myself, on my legs, to see the blood
was for some reason refreshing to me, it made me feel a little better
but not enough.

So I then crawled out from the under the bed and stuck my fingers
down my throat trying to get every ounce of food, water, anything out
of my body. I wanted to be thin, I believed I was fat, I needed to
change to make people like me. I wasn’t good enough to have friends or
a family that loved me, so I needed to become thinner in order to be
liked.

I hated myself so much, I have never felt hatred like it and the voice in my head fueled this hate.

I was convinced my body was ugly and the only thought in my head was — I am never eating again.

I still get judged today, people stare at me as if I am a puzzle
that needs working out or a math question that confuses them. Girls and
boys alike shout obscene things at me as I walk along the street. I
still have low self-esteem, and I still feel bad about myself
sometimes. I am trying to tackle these things one at a time.

No one likes being judged, but at the end of the day, I am my own worst critic.

-Twisted Sister

I read this book in two days.

It arrived in my mailbox on Friday, I started reading it Saturday, and last night I stayed up way the heck too late to finish it.

Generally, it takes me a few months to finish a book, partly because I usually have two or three going at the same time, and I am a slow reader. But this one would not leave me be.

PURGE, rehab diaries by Nicole Johns is not for the weary.

This is a raw, brutally-honest, grotesquely detailed novel. The pages resonate pent up anger, unsettled circumstance, and disgustingly-gross-but-real purging episodes described in painful detail.

Damn, it's good – because it is so real.

John's takes the reader through her experience as a size 9, EDNOS patient,  living for a summer in an Eating Disorder Center in Milwaukee (my home town, which made this reading more intriguing, because literally drive past the places she refers to throughout the book on a daily basis).

One of the coolest parts is the book design, adorned with a great cover art and interesting fonts throughout. Inside, copies of Nicole's actual treatment papers are scattered about; names and addresses blacked out in bold black lines, handwritten journal entries detail each and every evil calorie, and even an official definition of "Normal Eating," which drove home the pathetic level we sink to with an eating disorder.

But the most important thing about PURGE, is it addresses, head on, the problem EDNOS patients face. EDNOS stands for Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. Huh? Ed who?

For the record;

EDNOS sufferers are not underweight, in fact, they are more often overweight.

EDNOS sufferers look normal, all the while lurking below the surface is a young vital heart struggling to keep ticking.

EDNOS sufferers are blown off the vast majority of the population, until of course they faint, whack their head, suffer a concussion, and need to be hospitalized.

EDNOS sufferers can have blood pressure readings near zero, completely out of whack electrolyte levels, and most commonly live with a raw, burning, sometimes-ruptured esophagus.

Needless to say, John's represents the "typical" EDNOS sufferer weighing 137 pounds, all the while popping diet pill cocktails, starving, purging, and binging until she is hospitalized for fainting which leads to the real diagnosis: a concussion, electrolyte imbalances, and three different kids of heart-rhythm irregularities.

She writes PURGE to "inform the public, counteract myths surrounding eating disorders and treatment, and provide eating disordered individuals with hope."

I think you'll agree, she accomplishes all three,

-mV

————

Why not post your own story? Tell us what you experienced in an eating disorder treatment center, and help others along the way.

During National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, I attended a presentation at Marquette University by Jenni Schaefer, the author of "Life without Ed."

As I walked to the presentation room, I caught a glimpse of the cool window art created by Marquette students, and I was impressed!

Schaefer presented to a group of about 200 people, a mixed crowd of students, parents, and press.

I would describe her style as soothing. 

As she spoke, her soft, genuine expression, lit up the room, even as she held up a yellow, dance tutu that she wore at age 4…the age in which Ed 
came along.

Ed, in this case, is not an abbreviation for Eating Disorders. "Ed" is what Schaefer named her disorder. She admitted that when her therapist first brought up this idea, it seemed a bit nutty, but she gave it a try. Opening herself up to the concept of treating her eating disorder as a relationship rather than an illness or condition, started her on the road to recovery after
decades of struggling.

"Ed and I lived together for more than twenty years. He was abusive,
controlling, and never hesitated to
tell me what he thought, how I was
doing it wrong, and what I should be doing instead. . . Ed is not a
high school sweetheart. Ed is not some creep that I started dating in
college. . . Ed's name comes from the initials E.D. —as in eating
disorder. Ed is my eating disorder. —from the introduction of Life Without Ed.

If Schaefer is anything, she is a shining example of hope for full and total recovery. Here are the four main points I noted from her presentation;

Ed was a tool she used to recover and made her realize;

1) I am not an illness. The concept as Ed as a relationship created separation in her mind.
2) Ed gave her something to fight for- fight Ed not herself!
3) Responsibility was now on her shoulders, excuses were no longer possible.
4) Gave the hope she desparately needed to recover.

Perhaps this is a concept you have never considered for yourself as you go through recovery or consider recovery?

Read more here;
Life Without Ed
Jenni Schaefer Site
Jenni Schafer Blog

Warning: The following post contains images that may be triggering.

Pro Anorexia web sites have increased 470% from 2006 to 2007, according to Optenet.

470% – that's insane.

Yet, when I ask the average parent if they have heard of  "pro ana," their eyes immediately glaze over. Why is this?

Let's see what our Ana friends have been up to, I haven't been on their case in a while, so time to surf the web….

Enter these Google search terms to find endless pages, sites, gory images, videos, and how to information – all in the name of  – "Pro Anorexia- The Lifestyle":

"Pro Ana": 8,840,000

"Pro Anorexia": 215,000

"Thinspiration": 57,900 

"Ana Mia": 513,000

"How To Be Anorexic": 1,240,000

"How To Be Bulimic": 431,000

"I am afraid of fat": 4,810,000

If those stats have not scared the crap out of you yet, let's move on to what's happening on YouTube. These represent full length videos folks, each average a few minutes in length:

Average new video per week: 100+

First Video Upload: May 13, 2006

"Ana Mia": 12,400

"Thinspo": 6,640

"Thinspiration": 3,890

"Pro Anorexia": 1,680

This insane increase may be attributed to;

• "Look Who's FAT" headlines pelting us at every single turn in the grocery check out aisle, partnered with anorexic images of Mary Kate Olsen crossing the streets of NYC dressed like a granny, gripping a Starbucks weighing in at 90 pounds tops.

Two examples of the thousands posted on the web of "real girl" thinspiration -the bathroom generally being the most popular location of the photo shoot (note to mom and dad: she is doing more than getting rid of their dinner in there).

• Tech-savvy teens laughing at efforts to shut down the pro ana sites quickly generating more content to royally piss off their parents.

• Well intentioned mothers scheduling their perfectly healthy daughters breast implants and liposuction for their sweet 16 birthday. If they die under the knife…oh well, life happens.

• Teen magazine articles preaching "eat healthy" while a turn of the page shows a bony girl smiling at the reader as if to say "You will never be me you fat ass loser."
• Every single fashion rag in this country filling its pages with photoshopped images of already super duper skinny models in order to make us regular people feel like a pile of crap….but they wouldn't make them if WE DIDN"T BUY THEM.

• Average size fashion model shrinking to a size 00 over the past decade (fun fact: according to the documentary America The Beautiful, this trend is "because designers need to save money on fabric.")

Rant over,
mamaV

Watching Caroline Rothstein got me rattled. Time for a mind dump;

Women have hated their bodies since the beginning of time. Fat is fear. Fat is grotesque. Most would choose death over fat.

Hate the fat people, they are contagious.

We chatter obsessively about food, shaming ourselves, rewarding our cravings, oblivious to the finely tuned in ears of our daughters, who see themselves our distorted mirrors.

Women suck at supporting one another.

We are fake in our sympathy because we can not escape ourselves. The green eyed monster clings on to our bloated stomachs and cellulite thighs, halting real relationships with a thinner friend. This I know, for I am a skinny bitch.

We all have a story. 

Diagnosis is individual, and sometimes flawed. Control, shame, and abuse rank high on the list of reasons for our destruction. Genes plague many, but for the growing group of others its pure and simple vanity, like it or not.

Anorexics… just eat already.

Bulimics don't purge…they vomit. Alone. In places and ways unimaginable.

Athletes…they are just following the rules. It's dedication.

EDNOS sufferers flounder somewhere in between hoping to qualify.

We are Weight-Watcher Lifers, Pro Ana Wannabes, Morbidly Obese Shut Ins, and True-Blue Anorexics. We have more in common than we care to admit. 

Parents are a saving grace or the nail in our coffin.

Mothers who would give their life for their child, wrongly blaming themselves for our condition. Others who have knowingly brainwashed since birth. 

Insurance companies fight to blame us, getting back to their paperwork as we die in silence. Mental disease doesn't count in this country you weak, pathetic soul. Just keep it hidden, hold it down, don't bother us with your nonsense. Bring back the good ole' sanitariums. Lock 'em up.

Only you can stop self hate chatter.

It is you who must seek the help you so desperately need. Only you can turn off the racket. But it is us who must unite.

I have escaped, but I still want to ride along with you. 

Absorbed in your misery to force different thoughts. Momentarily causing a pause. Hoping ideas will bring you the soul you have never known.

-mamaV

Call it disordered eating. Call it a diet. Call it balanced lifestyle. It’s all whacked.

This was a topic of conversation over the weekend at a blogger meeting in Chicago. I had the pleasure to meet up with a group of women bloggers including my longtime friend Stephanie from BISJ, and new friends Melissa from Talesofadisorderedeater, PastaQueen the author of "Half-Assed", Linda from FatDontWrinkle (gotta love that name).

I realized I come from a unique perspective because I have never "dieted" (yeah, yeah, I know "skinny bitch," you can say it). I went from normal Midwestern girl, to psycho-workout-starvation-freak, right back to normal Midwestern woman. Trust me, I don’t take it for granted. 

I sat and listened what it takes to maintain a goal weight on a Weight Watchers program. The measuring, the calorie journals, food calculations before every bite. It’s your basic time-consuming, mind-numbing, obsessive behaviors necessary for lifetime diet success. Hmmm….sounds quite familiar doesn’t it?

Here’s the difference, at least from the "Weight Watcher" girl perspective-

1) They aren’t deadly thin.

2) They don’t purge.

Don’t worry, I piped in with my big mouth to say "being thin is not a prerequisite to an ED, nor is purging."

I can’t tell you how many times I have been emailed by frustrated EDNOS sufferers with this very same thought. How many girls have posted here saying they were sent home from the hospital, after finally confiding their eating disorder "mind", only to be sent home because they were not "anorexically thin?"

At the end of the day, the whole thing just made me sad. It’s sad that the most fun I had with a group of women in a long time was around a table relating on eating behaviors.

The worst part, I am afraid, is that all of this, every single, sick part of it – is simply part of being a girl.

-mamaV

This video is evidence that parents do not cause eating disorders, Laura Collins Author of Eating With Your Anorexic

Family-Based Treatment for Anorexia Nervosafrom Maudsley Parentson Vimeo.

Eating Disorders in Adolescence from Jane Cawley on Vimeo. –

This video provides detail on the background studies on the Maudsley Approach To ED Treatment

Fighting Stigma with Science from Jane Cawley on Vimeo.

This video explains the definition of Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge Eating Disorder (BED), and the basic causes of eating disorders.

This video response was posted to me from YouTube regarding the Internet Suicide post. I feel this individual articulates a point of view that is worth sharing because she speaks as an outsider coming into a pro ana community, and being caught off guard on what she finds.

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=GFyjHGUE3bU]

Thoughts?

mamaV 

What is the most ridiculous thing you have every tried to lose weight?

Jezebel recently posted on a Glamour Rag article dedicated to this topic, “Scary Diet Tricks No Woman Should Try!”

Before you all freak and tell me that I am providing tips and tricks for pro anas or individuals with ED’s please just stop. The web is crawling with this crap so don’t delude yourself into believing I am revealing some mystery here. Plus not one item on the Glamour list was new to me, so my guess you all won’t be surprised either.

My lamest attempt at weight loss?

Baby food. Who the hell knows how I even came up with this idea, but we all know the mind does strange things when deliberately starved. Didn’t taste bad really, but the vision of a teenage girl walking down the street chomping down strained peas from a mini glass Gerber jar is rather psycho.

Your turn,

-mamaV 

Misery. We wallow in it, we promote it, we continue behaviors to fuel it, all while telling others we are trying. Are we trying? Or have you given up at the moment?

If you are at the depths of your ED, you are probably ready to smack me right now, but that’s good. At least you are alive and thinking. The hard thing about eating disorders is they are all encompassing. You are either in, or out, there’s is not a lot of in between.

Plus nothing phases you when you are in deep. The mind reels incessantly, like a hamster on a wheel, squeaking as it spins, day in and day out, until you don’t know what normal is anymore. Can you imagine if someone was tape recording your daily thoughts? Nuts. Absolutely insane.

How many times would you say negative feelings about yourself?

How much would you be questioning your actions? What you said? How you said it? What ‘they’ think of you?

It’s a damn living nightmare, but I am here to say you can come back. Come back stronger, and harder, and more confident. You can beat this devil of a disease, but it takes persistence, resilience, and one hell of a lot of energy.

Let me tell you what’s waiting for you on the other side. Visualize being capable of;

Reading a book and not losing your place because you can’t concentrate on anything but hunger pains.

Sitting at the dinner table with friends, focused on their faces, expressions, and their words, rather than the food that will not stop calling your name.

The mirror becomes just a mirror, not the arch enemy, judge and jury.

Forgetting, honestly, forgetting to eat because you were so engaged in an activity.

Tell me the last thing you did where you felt like you were in the moment?

Just living life for life’s sake.

Let’s talk new year.  Fresh start. Breaking old habits. Building upon healthy ones.

I want you to: Believe, conceive, achieve.

-mamaV

PS my new year’s resolution is to stop underestimating. When it comes to time, energy, effort, you name it- I will underestimate what it will take to accomplish it. I like to call it “optimism….to a fault.”

It’s time to bring on board someone who is living an eating disorder now and can relate to your needs now. Please welcome the first mamaVISION contributor, twistedSISTER.

She is opting to remain incognito, as I did for the first year of blogging, but she is ready to lend a compassionate ear,  quick wit, and the good old mamaVISION cut-to-the-point attitude that some of you know, love, and sometimes hate.

Her eating disorder is eating her alive, yet she is a talker, a thinker, and a dreamer. 

Her mental illness leads to regular “freak out modes,” as we have come to call them, but she lives on (whether she wants to or not). That’s what I call courage.

TwistedSISTER has struggled beyond my wildest imagination. I watch her in awe. She is a survivor. She is a dear friend. And she is to me, a little sister. 

So why not call her blog, Little Sis?

Too normal. She’s twisted. That’s why I love her.

-mamaV

(Team Rust in action)

Check out this cool film made by three sisters, shot, edited and created in in less than 24 hours! These high school girls submitted their entry into the Insomnia Film Festival sponsored by Apple.

A Waist of Life shows how fashion influences eating disorders, a point I continually reinforce and support.

(Read the covers closely)

Click here to view A Waist of Life and cast your vote to support the film.

Bravo Rust Sisters,

-mamaV

Tyra Banks is off her rocker. After being stalked and humilated by the paparazzi for her weight, she turns around and redefines “plus size” as a skinny mini size 8.

We are all now “plus-sized” thanks to America’s Next Top Model show and the model of the moment Sarah Hartshorne!

Sarah leads the plus sized parade prancing in at:

Height: 5’10

Weight: 150 pounds

Size : 8

Hang on, that’s me, that’s my size. I’m confused.

As most of you know, when I was modeling the size requirement was size 8. I am a size 8 now, but I am 30 pounds heavier. Hmm…..

Have I been duped?

Did the sizes change?

Did the scale change?

Did I fry too many brain cells starvation dieting?

(Let’s not even go into the image in the mirror…oh the horror of aging!)

Sarah is no plus size and this is a load of crap. Why the hell did she accept the title “plus size” when she knows she doesn’t fit the bill? I guess she was not willing to miss her 15 minutes of fame.

Girls, this is bullshit. Don’t buy into it.

If you do, you’ll be sunk like the rest of the pro anorexia suckers that paste on their smile as they die inside from starvation and self hatred. They will quickly reel you into their misery filled existence because they need company, reassurance, and purpose to keep their hope alive. Their heads filled with nothing but desire to become someone else.

(Ugly, Ugly, and Ugly)

It’s a dead end. Pro ana’s don’t care about you- they care about themselves. This is simply about one thing, and one thing only only - self esteem. Starving yourself will not grow it. Let’s be real already.

Bones are not attractive.

Bones are not sexy.

Bones are not cool.

Vanity. Damn ugly.

-mamaV

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Thanks to Tipster Laura for this story.

Yes Vanessa, I had to drag Pro Ana’s into this story.

*All photos complements of the World Wide PUBLIC Web!