Body Image Activist, Eating Disorders mamaVISION

Original t-shirt on Perez Hilton site

This Jezebel story about Perez Hilton typical of a blogger with no integrity what-so-ever…or so I thought.

Perez was found to be  promoting pro-ana merchandise on his site. But after being called out on it, the shirt didn’t disappear, it was instead revised with the text shown on the next page.

(more…)

This guest post is from TwistedSister,
a 23 year old woman from the UK. In this post, she relays her
perspective of an incident that occurred when she was 13 years old,
struggling with mental illness and anorexia.

—-
Being looked up and down is never nice for anyone to endure, but
when you constantly have people doing it, it makes you wonder what is
so wrong with you that people feel the need to do it.

I have been constantly criticized on how I look and what I eat.
Mainly from family and females. Men have done it too but the main
judging has always come from females. Being judged by how I looked cut
me to pieces.

I remember one time that really got to me when I was out at the
shops to get milk for my mother. I walked around the shop looking for
what I needed, and I could feel someone looking at me. I always kept my
head down, ashamed of myself for even being in the public eye and I
tried to be as invisible as possible,  but I could feel someone looking
at me.

Without looking up I tried to find the person whose eyes were
burning into me, and then I saw her. She was probably in her late
teens, and she was just staring at me, I couldn’t understand why. She
then started whispering to her mate that was standing behind her and
started pointing at me. I heard them both laugh as they  kept pointing.
When the girl realized I could see her, she started shouting at me.

“What’s wrong with you?!” she yelled.

I kept silent.

“You look a mess. No one will ever fancy you. You will never get a boyfriend because you look like crap” she said.

She went on with the tirade —telling me my hair was dry and
horrible, that I was spotty and had fat legs. Before I could respond,
to this girl the cashier told me to come forward. As I walked to the
counter I could feel the eyes watching me as I moved, it felt like I
was in a freak show and the audience were watching the freak come to
the stage.

While I was paying the girls continued to laugh, then two boys
walked in and joined the queue with the girls. They asked what the
girls were laughing at and they told them they were laughing at me and
the state of me. They then joined in too, one boy shouted hey lard ass!
This made the rest of the group cackle like a bunch of bloody hyenas.

I paid as quickly as possible; I just wanted to get out of there and go home and hide.

“You don’t have a fat ass,” the cashier whispered to me as she
handed me my change (which I should have known seeing that I weighed 6
stone 3lbs). “They are just  jealous. Ignore them,” she said.

I nodded and ran crying my eyes out towards my house.

I hid in a bush for near on a hour, in tears, wondering what was so
wrong with me that people felt the need to keep hurting me, telling me
I wasn’t good enough and that I was fat. I believed them, I thought
that if so many people believed this was true well then it just must
be. I wiped my eyes and crawled out the bush, kept my head low and
walked home.

Soon as I got home mother started her usual rant about how long I
had been and what the hell was I thinking taking so long. I tried to
explain.

“What? Did ugliness stop you from walking? Or did your legs keep rubbing together so it got harder?” she preached.

That’s what I was asked.

I kept silent.

I put the milk on the counter along with the change and ran to my
bedroom where I shut the door and hid under my bed. My self esteem was
in shreds, I hated myself, I cut myself, on my legs, to see the blood
was for some reason refreshing to me, it made me feel a little better
but not enough.

So I then crawled out from the under the bed and stuck my fingers
down my throat trying to get every ounce of food, water, anything out
of my body. I wanted to be thin, I believed I was fat, I needed to
change to make people like me. I wasn’t good enough to have friends or
a family that loved me, so I needed to become thinner in order to be
liked.

I hated myself so much, I have never felt hatred like it and the voice in my head fueled this hate.

I was convinced my body was ugly and the only thought in my head was — I am never eating again.

I still get judged today, people stare at me as if I am a puzzle
that needs working out or a math question that confuses them. Girls and
boys alike shout obscene things at me as I walk along the street. I
still have low self-esteem, and I still feel bad about myself
sometimes. I am trying to tackle these things one at a time.

No one likes being judged, but at the end of the day, I am my own worst critic.

-Twisted Sister

Maybe it's because we can't even walk through Target without being bombarded with ridiculous fat fear and skinny love as seen on this hilarious garden plaque….

What kind of person places this in her garden for all to see?
What kind of friend purchases this for her ole' pals so they can yuck it up together?
Why do we perpetuate this total and complete nonsense?
Why do we cover up pain with humor?
Why in the hell is this acceptable??

Plus, it's not like some Granny is widdling these things out for the local craft fair…this is Target for god's sake, the manufacturer of this product had to be damn sure they would sell a couple million of these in order to afford mass production. Think about that- our society has become this accustomed to making fun of FAT. This accustomed to female competition on body size, that it has become a complete and  total joke.

And finally, how exactly am I to explain this statement to my 9 year old daughter without telling the damn truth?

"What does this mean mama?"

"Well honey, you must accept that our society is totally obsessed with being thin, so much so, that we pray about being a different person."

"What does that mean for me?"

"You are a loser if you are not thin, understood?"

"Can we buy a scale mama?"

Pathetic,
mV

Shelly from THIN has something to say today.

I wake up every morning and ask myself….

Is it worth it? 

Is it worth fighting all the negativity in my mind today?  Is it worth having put trust my in others so often because I cannot trust myself at times?  Is it worth eating and gaining weight?  Is it worth feeling feelings I haven’t allowed myself to feel in so long?  Is worth taking on responsibility when I have run from it in the past?  Is it worth having to talk about things that bother me instead of internalizing them and having them subconsciously wreck my mind?  Is it worth being accountable to myself and others in my life?  Is it worth growing up?  Is it worth taking a risk getting hurt again?  Is it worth getting close to others and letting others in? Is it worth taking risks and possibly failing?  Is it worth taking care of myself…showering, brushing my teeth, my hair?  Is it worth getting dressed? Is it worth finding out who I am and doing what life wants me to do?  Is it worth surrendering to everything I thought was right?  Is it worth learning new ways to cope?  Is it worth setbacks?  Is it worth not knowing what the future holds?  Is it worth giving up the control I thought I had? IS it worth finding out things that could hurt and overwhelm me? Is it worth being so anxious that I can’t even sit still? IS it worth giving up my identity that I have held on to for so long?  Is it worth challenging TV, internet, and radio who say I have to fit some ideal? 

Is it worth it to keep going down the road of recovery?

Do I want to lose my family, friends, and most importantly MYSELF?  Do I want a life of pain and hurt and suffering?  Do I want to die?

NO

So I guess it is worth it to keep fighting no matter how scary and hard it gets.

-Shelly

This video response was posted to me from YouTube regarding the Internet Suicide post. I feel this individual articulates a point of view that is worth sharing because she speaks as an outsider coming into a pro ana community, and being caught off guard on what she finds.

Thoughts?

mamaV 

Many of you remember Polly from the HBO documentary THIN by Lauren Greenfield.

Image Source for all photos: Lauren Greenfield, THIN

Polly passed away on Friday evening. Please send your prayers to her friends and family. Take a moment to reflect upon the courage it took for Polly to let it all fly on THIN. I’m nothing next to this one, she was something, talk about guts.

“Dieting has always been a huge part of my life. I remember all the things that are signs of eating disorders being taught by my family; cut my food into really small pieces, and chew very slowly and take your time, and drink water in between so your stomach fills up faster. I was counting calories and fat by the time I was 11.

I had diet pills packed in my lunch in elementary school. When I was ten years old, my mother and my aunt paid me $100 each to lose 10 pounds. It wasn’t until recently I pulled out a photo album that I was like, Oh my Gosh. I really wasn’t fat. I’ve had a distorted view of myself  pretty much most of my life.

- Polly, THIN documentary, read more here.

Polly’s obituary from her local paper

Polly’s caring bridge site

Hila weighed 60 pounds. My 7 1/2 year old daughter weighs 50.

A fashion model stricken with an all too familiar disease of anorexia. But this time, a friend was at her side. Adi Barkan documented Hila’s struggle, and sent shock waves out to the fashion world, by showing the reality of this situation in one still photograph.

Fashion photographer Adi Barkan is shown cradling Hila Elmalich in a still from a video shot when the model fell ill. (Gil Sadan/Tamar Golan Film)

See full news story and video here

There’s not much more to say here. Either the fashion industry is going to step up to the plate and make changes, or they are going to continue on their merry way in this deadly game they are playing.

You know what I thought when I saw this photograph?

How, for the love of god, can one be a part of an industry so full of themselves? How do you sit in an audience and stare up at these young women who are clearly not well, and focus on the clothing? Why do clothes, and prestige, and beauty mean this much in our society?

Bless Mr. Barkan’s heart for leading the effort in Israel to change fashion standards for the past three years. Your friend will not die in vain, she will be with you as you carry on in her name.

-mamaV

Thanksgiving is a living hell.

Food. Everywhere, all day long. Endless talk of food, thoughts of food, an eating disordered nightmare.

Thanksgiving is about family and togetherness…but the food takes center stage. When I was in the height of my eating disorder wanted to crawl under the table, pop in some earplugs and hide.

I recall thinking everyone was watching what I was eating. In reality they could have cared less, they were too busy enjoying themselves.

I recall watching others enjoy their food, eyes lit up with excitement when the huge, glistening brown turkey finally landed on the table. As their mouths watered, mine dried up as I calculated the fat grams in my head.

That was then, and this is now.

I spent Thanksgiving first with my parents, for brunch at the house I grew up in. Grandma whipped up the usually 14 course meal.  We grazed as we talked, eating accompanying our lively discussion.

We headed back home in the late afternoon to spend our first Thanksgiving “as a family,”  just the four of us; my husband, and two children. We had beef roast, and pasta, and garlic bread…and homemade apple pie. Our “traditional” favorites since we had no one else to please.

It’s the little things.

Simplicity.

I hope and I pray that one day you to will join me here on the other side.

Where life is about living.

And eating is an afterthought.

Love,

mamaV

This woman really needs no introduction. I think we can all listen and learn.

-mamaV

An Iowa researcher is studying a little-known eating disorder that some doctors may miss: purging disorder.

Though similar to women with bulimia, patients who fit this description don’t binge-eat. Yet they feel compelled to purge, usually by vomiting, even after eating only a small or normal amount of food, said Pamela Keel, the University of Iowa researcher who led a study on the subject.

Visit any pro ana board to see the purging disorder in action, such as this young woman freaking out, asking her cohorts if its ok she ate broccoli……it’s broccoli for goodness sake.

I think we have now just become so completely disordered in our eating habits we don’t even know what is “normal” anymore. No need to really binge to feel guilty, eat just a handful of grapes and its time to let it fly since pro ana’s have made eating a sin.

Keel clearly recognizes this is not a new phenomenon, stating “purging disorder is new in the sense that it has not been officially recognized as a unique condition in the classification of eating disorders. But it’s not a new problem, women were struggling with purging disorder long before we began studying it.”

On the plus side, this is a big step in terms of insurance coverage, since a new classification for purging disorders will bring with it treatment options previously not available. 

Final note, the most interesting part of the study was the comparison made on cholecystokinin, the chemical in our bodies that make us feel full when eating. Women with bulimia has less of this chemical, women with purging disorder had more of this chemical, triggering a feeling of fullness.

This adds validity to the study, and shows the existence of a chemical reason some women actually feel “too full” after eating, but I can’t help but wonder how much of this is psychological.

-mamaV