Tag Archives: eating disorder

Demi Moore replaced by Sarah Jessica Parker replaced by…..

27 Jan

Demi moore anorexic or drugs or exhaustionGotta say I get sick of writing about this crap. But its never ending.

Ok so Demi collapses. Big surprise seeing that she is a skeleton (not attractive). I can’t help but feel so sad for her. She just looks so damn sad. Thin as a rail, rumors of prescription drugs on top of it, and just —a lost soul. A lost soul with the whole world stalking her.

There’s no reason in the world for Demi to be lost. She’s got “it all.” Is it only me who finds it ironic that she had to drop out of a film in which she would be Gloria Steinem? 49 and beside herself. If she is beside herself, what hope is there for us?

So SJP swoops in to save the day. Is she any better? I hope so. I really hope so, she’s a mom for godsake (but so is Demi and that’s not stopping her self pity).

I’m 42 and I see the games aging plays. I’m not going to pretend its easy. But it’s just a facade. Why can’t we see beyond this life?

Trust me I pray, and I pray that I will beat it. I won’t be one of those pathetic stretched faced broads carrying on like a frozen alien face is normal. I’ll just deal with the natural path of things. I’ll use night cream from ALDI. I’ll say wise things. I’ll be happy, and smart, and content. I won’t think about how people are saying “she’s aging well.” I’ll blow off all that crap and live life, fingers crossed.

One thing is for sure. I don’t want to look like Demi — she is the picture of fear to me. Fear of life, fear of time, fear of just everything. And she is stuck, she’s got no choice but to live it, so pop some pills and forget about it all….

But you know, you gotta wake up in the morning. You’ve got to put one foot in front of the other just like the rest of us, and God’s got a plan for you. There’s a purpose. And that purpose is not sitting around worrying that the big 30, or 40, or 50, 0r 60, or 70 is around the corner.

That’s enough depressing talk for the evening.

Good night and good luck -



This one is for Leah. We remember kid. You still inspire me.




Amy Winehouse: Add bulimia to her long, sad list of vices.

25 Jul

Amy Winehouse dead bulimiaIts late. But I couldn’t go to bed without writing about Amy Winehouse. I always found her to be so interesting to watch, she just had that kind of face. Her features so bold, eyes exaggerated with jet black liner, pale skin painted with vibrant tattoos, and that crazy teased hair. I thought she was quite beautiful, even at her worst.

Never new she was bulimic, on top of everything else, but this was reported inAmy Winehouse beautiful - dead at 27 the news dating back to 2007. Can you even imagine? What a sad, miserable existence Amy had here on earth.

Let’s say a prayer tonight she is at peace.

Let’s also turn off the tabloid news that is incessantly ripping her to shreds, harping on what a loser she was because she was an addict. Where is the compassion? Can’t people see the pain in an addicts eyes? Why can’t we grasp the fact that no one would choose this life? The poor girl just wasn’t strong enough to beat the damn thing. And then there is her heart broken father, seeing him crying kills me. Daily News is reporting he wrote her eulogy back in 2007, fully expecting her to pass away young.

Amy Winehouse before and after weight gain and lossIn order to have compassion in a situation like this, I think it helps to know an addict, on a personal level, because once you do, you will always compare other addicts to your loved one, and feel somewhere inside so very sorry for their suffering. On the ED side of things, well, once you’ve been there you get it. There are no words except its hell, and to picture this lovely talented woman on drugs, drinking herself to death, and vomiting up her meals is almost too much to bear.

Digging around on other blogs I found info that said she was bulimic since her teenage years, and as she was getting healthy she was called fat at size 10. You can’t frickin’ win in this world.

In the picture at the left, she is unrecognizable with her gorgeous, voluptuous body! And no, I know what you are thinking — she does not look GOOD on the right. She looks dead. She looks miserable, and you know very well she is suffering so deeply, so don’t even start thinking you wish you were that skinny.

So back to the prayers. Prayers for peace for this talented young woman and her greiving family, and the loss of a great talent.



I am not a label. Are you?

18 Jan

Thanks to Amanda and Elizabeth for this thought provoking image from their FB page. If you were to build a collage such as this for yourself, what would you put in it?

As I looked at this, I noticed the medical diagnosis in the background, which had my mind expanding into that arena, as well as all the social labels we put on ourselves. Here is what I would include in a collage about me;

America's Next Top Models Posing MamavisionPictures of models since I’ll never shake that label. This is one that I had to let go of a long time ago because if I tried to “live up” to societies expectations of what I am supposed to look like, I would die trying.


Holiday Headaches

9 Dec

Perez Hilton’s Pro-Ana shirt replaced with a totally cheesy, fake, lame version.

18 Jun

Original t-shirt on Perez Hilton site

This Jezebel story about Perez Hilton typical of a blogger with no integrity what-so-ever…or so I thought.

Perez was found to be  promoting pro-ana merchandise on his site. But after being called out on it, the shirt didn’t disappear, it was instead revised with the text shown on the next page.


Just Buying Milk

29 Aug

This guest post is from TwistedSister,
a 23 year old woman from the UK. In this post, she relays her
perspective of an incident that occurred when she was 13 years old,
struggling with mental illness and anorexia.

Being looked up and down is never nice for anyone to endure, but
when you constantly have people doing it, it makes you wonder what is
so wrong with you that people feel the need to do it.

I have been constantly criticized on how I look and what I eat.
Mainly from family and females. Men have done it too but the main
judging has always come from females. Being judged by how I looked cut
me to pieces.

I remember one time that really got to me when I was out at the
shops to get milk for my mother. I walked around the shop looking for
what I needed, and I could feel someone looking at me. I always kept my
head down, ashamed of myself for even being in the public eye and I
tried to be as invisible as possible,  but I could feel someone looking
at me.

Without looking up I tried to find the person whose eyes were
burning into me, and then I saw her. She was probably in her late
teens, and she was just staring at me, I couldn’t understand why. She
then started whispering to her mate that was standing behind her and
started pointing at me. I heard them both laugh as they  kept pointing.
When the girl realized I could see her, she started shouting at me.

“What’s wrong with you?!” she yelled.

I kept silent.

“You look a mess. No one will ever fancy you. You will never get a boyfriend because you look like crap” she said.

She went on with the tirade —telling me my hair was dry and
horrible, that I was spotty and had fat legs. Before I could respond,
to this girl the cashier told me to come forward. As I walked to the
counter I could feel the eyes watching me as I moved, it felt like I
was in a freak show and the audience were watching the freak come to
the stage.

While I was paying the girls continued to laugh, then two boys
walked in and joined the queue with the girls. They asked what the
girls were laughing at and they told them they were laughing at me and
the state of me. They then joined in too, one boy shouted hey lard ass!
This made the rest of the group cackle like a bunch of bloody hyenas.

I paid as quickly as possible; I just wanted to get out of there and go home and hide.

“You don’t have a fat ass,” the cashier whispered to me as she
handed me my change (which I should have known seeing that I weighed 6
stone 3lbs). “They are just  jealous. Ignore them,” she said.

I nodded and ran crying my eyes out towards my house.

I hid in a bush for near on a hour, in tears, wondering what was so
wrong with me that people felt the need to keep hurting me, telling me
I wasn’t good enough and that I was fat. I believed them, I thought
that if so many people believed this was true well then it just must
be. I wiped my eyes and crawled out the bush, kept my head low and
walked home.

Soon as I got home mother started her usual rant about how long I
had been and what the hell was I thinking taking so long. I tried to

“What? Did ugliness stop you from walking? Or did your legs keep rubbing together so it got harder?” she preached.

That’s what I was asked.

I kept silent.

I put the milk on the counter along with the change and ran to my
bedroom where I shut the door and hid under my bed. My self esteem was
in shreds, I hated myself, I cut myself, on my legs, to see the blood
was for some reason refreshing to me, it made me feel a little better
but not enough.

So I then crawled out from the under the bed and stuck my fingers
down my throat trying to get every ounce of food, water, anything out
of my body. I wanted to be thin, I believed I was fat, I needed to
change to make people like me. I wasn’t good enough to have friends or
a family that loved me, so I needed to become thinner in order to be

I hated myself so much, I have never felt hatred like it and the voice in my head fueled this hate.

I was convinced my body was ugly and the only thought in my head was — I am never eating again.

I still get judged today, people stare at me as if I am a puzzle
that needs working out or a math question that confuses them. Girls and
boys alike shout obscene things at me as I walk along the street. I
still have low self-esteem, and I still feel bad about myself
sometimes. I am trying to tackle these things one at a time.

No one likes being judged, but at the end of the day, I am my own worst critic.

-Twisted Sister

Why we are so demented?

13 May

Maybe it's because we can't even walk through Target without being bombarded with ridiculous fat fear and skinny love as seen on this hilarious garden plaque….

What kind of person places this in her garden for all to see?
What kind of friend purchases this for her ole' pals so they can yuck it up together?
Why do we perpetuate this total and complete nonsense?
Why do we cover up pain with humor?
Why in the hell is this acceptable??

Plus, it's not like some Granny is widdling these things out for the local craft fair…this is Target for god's sake, the manufacturer of this product had to be damn sure they would sell a couple million of these in order to afford mass production. Think about that- our society has become this accustomed to making fun of FAT. This accustomed to female competition on body size, that it has become a complete and  total joke.

And finally, how exactly am I to explain this statement to my 9 year old daughter without telling the damn truth?

"What does this mean mama?"

"Well honey, you must accept that our society is totally obsessed with being thin, so much so, that we pray about being a different person."

"What does that mean for me?"

"You are a loser if you are not thin, understood?"

"Can we buy a scale mama?"



1 Apr

Other posts on this topic:
Shelly Speaks, two years after THIN.
Shelly from THIN documentary, 5 years later
 Polly Rests (story of her suicide)
More from one who knows


Shelly from the HBO Documentary THIN has something to say today.


I wake up every morning and ask myself….

Is it worth it? 

Is it worth fighting all the negativity in my mind today?  Is it worth having put trust my in others so often because I cannot trust myself at times?  Is it worth eating and gaining weight?  Is it worth feeling feelings I haven’t allowed myself to feel in so long?  Is worth taking on responsibility when I have run from it in the past?  Is it worth having to talk about things that bother me instead of internalizing them and having them subconsciously wreck my mind?  Is it worth being accountable to myself and others in my life?  Is it worth growing up?  Is it worth taking a risk getting hurt again?  Is it worth getting close to others and letting others in? Is it worth taking risks and possibly failing?  Is it worth taking care of myself…showering, brushing my teeth, my hair?  Is it worth getting dressed? Is it worth finding out who I am and doing what life wants me to do?  Is it worth surrendering to everything I thought was right?  Is it worth learning new ways to cope?  Is it worth setbacks?  Is it worth not knowing what the future holds?  Is it worth giving up the control I thought I had? IS it worth finding out things that could hurt and overwhelm me? Is it worth being so anxious that I can’t even sit still? IS it worth giving up my identity that I have held on to for so long?  Is it worth challenging TV, internet, and radio who say I have to fit some ideal? 

Is it worth it to keep going down the road of recovery?

Do I want to lose my family, friends, and most importantly MYSELF?  Do I want a life of pain and hurt and suffering?  Do I want to die?


So I guess it is worth it to keep fighting no matter how scary and hard it gets.


ProAna Perspective

15 Mar

This video response was posted to me from YouTube regarding the Internet Suicide post. I feel this individual articulates a point of view that is worth sharing because she speaks as an outsider coming into a pro ana community, and being caught off guard on what she finds.




Polly Rests

11 Feb

Other posts on this topic:
Shelly Speaks, two years after THIN.
 Shelly from THIN documentary, 5 years later
More from one who knows


Many of you remember Polly from the HBO documentary THIN by Lauren Greenfield.


Image Source for all photos: Lauren Greenfield, THIN

Polly passed away on Friday evening. Please send your prayers to her friends and family. Take a moment to reflect upon the courage it took for Polly to let it all fly on THIN. I’m nothing next to this one, she was something, talk about guts.


“Dieting has always been a huge part of my life. I remember all the things that are signs of eating disorders being taught by my family; cut my food into really small pieces, and chew very slowly and take your time, and drink water in between so your stomach fills up faster. I was counting calories and fat by the time I was 11.


I had diet pills packed in my lunch in elementary school. When I was ten years old, my mother and my aunt paid me $100 each to lose 10 pounds. It wasn’t until recently I pulled out a photo album that I was like, Oh my Gosh. I really wasn’t fat. I’ve had a distorted view of myself  pretty much most of my life.

- Polly, THIN documentary, read more here.


Polly’s obituary from her local paper

Polly’s caring bridge site

60 pound Model Dies From Anorexia

24 Nov

Hila weighed 60 pounds. My 7 1/2 year old daughter weighs 50.

A fashion model stricken with an all too familiar disease of anorexia. But this time, a friend was at her side. Adi Barkan documented Hila’s struggle, and sent shock waves out to the fashion world, by showing the reality of this situation in one still photograph.


Fashion photographer Adi Barkan is shown cradling Hila Elmalich in a still from a video shot when the model fell ill. (Gil Sadan/Tamar Golan Film)

There’s not much more to say here. Either the fashion industry is going to step up to the plate and make changes, or they are going to continue on their merry way in this deadly game they are playing.

You know what I thought when I saw this photograph?

How, for the love of god, can one be a part of an industry so full of themselves? How do you sit in an audience and stare up at these young women who are clearly not well, and focus on the clothing? Why do clothes, and prestige, and beauty mean this much in our society?

Bless Mr. Barkan’s heart for leading the effort in Israel to change fashion standards for the past three years. Your friend will not die in vain, she will be with you as you carry on in her name.


Thanks for nothin'

22 Nov

Thanksgiving is a living hell.


Food. Everywhere, all day long. Endless talk of food, thoughts of food, an eating disordered nightmare.

Thanksgiving is about family and togetherness…but the food takes center stage. When I was in the height of my eating disorder wanted to crawl under the table, pop in some earplugs and hide.

I recall thinking everyone was watching what I was eating. In reality they could have cared less, they were too busy enjoying themselves.

I recall watching others enjoy their food, eyes lit up with excitement when the huge, glistening brown turkey finally landed on the table. As their mouths watered, mine dried up as I calculated the fat grams in my head.

That was then, and this is now.

I spent Thanksgiving first with my parents, for brunch at the house I grew up in. Grandma whipped up the usually 14 course meal.  We grazed as we talked, eating accompanying our lively discussion.

We headed back home in the late afternoon to spend our first Thanksgiving “as a family,”  just the four of us; my husband, and two children. We had beef roast, and pasta, and garlic bread…and homemade apple pie. Our “traditional” favorites since we had no one else to please.

It’s the little things.



I hope and I pray that one day you to will join me here on the other side.

Where life is about living.

And eating is an afterthought.



A Fat Rant

18 Oct

This woman really needs no introduction. I think we can all listen and learn.



Purging Disorder…nothing new.

28 Sep

An Iowa researcher is studying a little-known eating disorder that some doctors may miss: purging disorder.

Though similar to women with bulimia, patients who fit this description don’t binge-eat. Yet they feel compelled to purge, usually by vomiting, even after eating only a small or normal amount of food, said Pamela Keel, the University of Iowa researcher who led a study on the subject.

Visit any pro ana board to see the purging disorder in action, such as this young woman freaking out, asking her cohorts if its ok she ate broccoli……it’s broccoli for goodness sake.


I think we have now just become so completely disordered in our eating habits we don’t even know what is “normal” anymore. No need to really binge to feel guilty, eat just a handful of grapes and its time to let it fly since pro ana’s have made eating a sin.

Keel clearly recognizes this is not a new phenomenon, stating “purging disorder is new in the sense that it has not been officially recognized as a unique condition in the classification of eating disorders. But it’s not a new problem, women were struggling with purging disorder long before we began studying it.”

On the plus side, this is a big step in terms of insurance coverage, since a new classification for purging disorders will bring with it treatment options previously not available. 

Final note, the most interesting part of the study was the comparison made on cholecystokinin, the chemical in our bodies that make us feel full when eating. Women with bulimia has less of this chemical, women with purging disorder had more of this chemical, triggering a feeling of fullness.

This adds validity to the study, and shows the existence of a chemical reason some women actually feel “too full” after eating, but I can’t help but wonder how much of this is psychological.


NY Fashion World makes lame recommendations.

12 Jan

The pressure is on the Fashion world as they prepare for New York Fashion week, starting February 2, 2007. So the organizers of New York’s fashion shows put their heads together and issued guidelines to tackle the problem of too-skinny models:

1 We recommended models with eating disorders seek treatment.

2 Young models should work limited hours.

3 Healthy food to be supplied backstage.

4 Smoking and alcohol be banned.

Ummm, I don’t know what you are thinking but is this a totally lame plan?

Let me see, we are going to “recommend you seek treatment” -when is this reccommendation going to happen, before or after you use their bodies to show off your collections? Are you going to hand the girls flyers on the dangers of eating disorders and then send them on their way?

Young models, please limit your hours. Limit your hours to what and for what? Resting does not cure an eating disorder.

Please eat the healthy food we have provided. Anorexics don’t eat food, healthy or not, so they are out of luck. Bulimics throw up their food, healthy or not, so this doesn’t do the trick for them either.

No smoking or alcohol please. What does this have to do eating disorders?

Then we have the famous Ford Modeling Agency execs piping in with their oh so cherry voices “I think the new Council of Fashion Designers of American CFDA guidelines are fantastic,” Katie Ford, chief executive of Ford Modeling Agency, told Reuters. “I think just discussing it creates a lot of awareness for designers and all people who are watching models and I think it’s a good thing.”

I’ve got news for you Katie Ford, its your bookers who see your girls daily, and tell them to lose weight. They are on the front line of the problem. How is the CFDA’s solutions just simply fantastic as you say? Because you think this takes you off the hook? Ford is notorious for looking the other way on this issue, and I can see you are going to keep the good old tradition going. What a farce.

My prediction? We lose another young life before or during the NY show. But I am afraid not even that will wake these people up.

Skinny style

19 Dec

This week LATimes asks the question “Is Skinny Going Out Of Style? ” The ultra-thin model issue remains at the forefront thanks to designer Diane von Furstenberg’s letter to the Council of Fashion Designers of America urging them to take a position on the issue of underweight models.

Frankly, it’s pathetic that someone of von Furstenberg’s status needs to literally sit down and draft a letter to her cohorts in the Fashion Industry asking them actually look their beloved, pre-teen models in the eyes and see their pain.


Put aside the designers themselves for a moment, and let’s talk about the audience. Anyone who sat there during this show, and watched this obviously sick, young girl prance the damn “catwalk”, as it is favorably called, and didn’t react should be ashamed of yourselves.

How do you watch this, see her bones literally sticking out of her frail frame, the dark circles under her eyes, and the pain in her expression, and clap for this year’s amazing collections, yelling “Bravo” to the warped designers who created this monster of a business?

This whole thing is totally beyond me.

Von Furstenbery recognized this as a global fashion issue and stated ”as designers, we cannot ignore the impact fashion has on body image. We share a responsibility to protect women, and very young girls in particular, within the industry, sending the message that health is beauty.”

We need to share in this responsibility…remember that each one of those fashion magazines you purchase only drives this business. So, think about ditching them. What do they do for your self esteem besides send you deeper into your body image issues? Free yourself of this trap and how happy you will be.

I got a bad feeling, skinny ain’t going out of style anytime soon.


7 million women and 1 million men have anorexia, an epidemic level according to the National Assn. of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders of Highland Park, Ill.

If you need help, please call the ANAD hotline, 847-831-3438 (Monday-Friday, 9am-5pm, Central Time)

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