Eating Disorder ProAna Blogger Focused on Body Image and Self Esteem

This guest post is from TwistedSister,
a 23 year old woman from the UK. In this post, she relays her
perspective of an incident that occurred when she was 13 years old,
struggling with mental illness and anorexia.

—-
Being looked up and down is never nice for anyone to endure, but
when you constantly have people doing it, it makes you wonder what is
so wrong with you that people feel the need to do it.

I have been constantly criticized on how I look and what I eat.
Mainly from family and females. Men have done it too but the main
judging has always come from females. Being judged by how I looked cut
me to pieces.

I remember one time that really got to me when I was out at the
shops to get milk for my mother. I walked around the shop looking for
what I needed, and I could feel someone looking at me. I always kept my
head down, ashamed of myself for even being in the public eye and I
tried to be as invisible as possible,  but I could feel someone looking
at me.

Without looking up I tried to find the person whose eyes were
burning into me, and then I saw her. She was probably in her late
teens, and she was just staring at me, I couldn’t understand why. She
then started whispering to her mate that was standing behind her and
started pointing at me. I heard them both laugh as they  kept pointing.
When the girl realized I could see her, she started shouting at me.

“What’s wrong with you?!” she yelled.

I kept silent.

“You look a mess. No one will ever fancy you. You will never get a boyfriend because you look like crap” she said.

She went on with the tirade —telling me my hair was dry and
horrible, that I was spotty and had fat legs. Before I could respond,
to this girl the cashier told me to come forward. As I walked to the
counter I could feel the eyes watching me as I moved, it felt like I
was in a freak show and the audience were watching the freak come to
the stage.

While I was paying the girls continued to laugh, then two boys
walked in and joined the queue with the girls. They asked what the
girls were laughing at and they told them they were laughing at me and
the state of me. They then joined in too, one boy shouted hey lard ass!
This made the rest of the group cackle like a bunch of bloody hyenas.

I paid as quickly as possible; I just wanted to get out of there and go home and hide.

“You don’t have a fat ass,” the cashier whispered to me as she
handed me my change (which I should have known seeing that I weighed 6
stone 3lbs). “They are just  jealous. Ignore them,” she said.

I nodded and ran crying my eyes out towards my house.

I hid in a bush for near on a hour, in tears, wondering what was so
wrong with me that people felt the need to keep hurting me, telling me
I wasn’t good enough and that I was fat. I believed them, I thought
that if so many people believed this was true well then it just must
be. I wiped my eyes and crawled out the bush, kept my head low and
walked home.

Soon as I got home mother started her usual rant about how long I
had been and what the hell was I thinking taking so long. I tried to
explain.

“What? Did ugliness stop you from walking? Or did your legs keep rubbing together so it got harder?” she preached.

That’s what I was asked.

I kept silent.

I put the milk on the counter along with the change and ran to my
bedroom where I shut the door and hid under my bed. My self esteem was
in shreds, I hated myself, I cut myself, on my legs, to see the blood
was for some reason refreshing to me, it made me feel a little better
but not enough.

So I then crawled out from the under the bed and stuck my fingers
down my throat trying to get every ounce of food, water, anything out
of my body. I wanted to be thin, I believed I was fat, I needed to
change to make people like me. I wasn’t good enough to have friends or
a family that loved me, so I needed to become thinner in order to be
liked.

I hated myself so much, I have never felt hatred like it and the voice in my head fueled this hate.

I was convinced my body was ugly and the only thought in my head was — I am never eating again.

I still get judged today, people stare at me as if I am a puzzle
that needs working out or a math question that confuses them. Girls and
boys alike shout obscene things at me as I walk along the street. I
still have low self-esteem, and I still feel bad about myself
sometimes. I am trying to tackle these things one at a time.

No one likes being judged, but at the end of the day, I am my own worst critic.

-Twisted Sister

Is Vegetarianism a teen eating disorder?

Time Magazine recently studied this topic, which brought back many memories of my early-teen-disordered-eating habits.

I was about 15 or so, when I decided to cut the meat out of my diet. I remember it clearly because I love meat, but no one would know it. 

No hamburger, no tacos, no chili, c'mon! And don't even get me going on steak, and pork tenderloin.

My entire decision revolved around one thing and one thing only;

MEAT = FAT

I know now, of course, this is not true.

But it sure is easy to convince yourself of it when Hollywood is all-vegan-all-the-time, and you've got PETA exploiting it with skinny mini actresses showing off their bods to send the clear message "Veggies-R-Us"

The Time study showed;
-20% of the vegetarians turned out to be binge eaters,
compared with only 5% of those who had always eaten meat.

-25% of current vegetarians and 20% of former
vegetarians in the same age group said they had engaged in extreme
weight-control measures such as taking diet pills or laxatives and
forcing themselves to vomit.

Only 1 in 10 teens who had never been
vegetarian reported similar behavior. View complete report.

My experience showed:

-It's easy as hell to hide your eating disorder behind vegetarianism. In fact, people applaud you for it.

-Cutting out meat was a first step to the slippery slope of disordered eating, which then lead to convincing myself chicken and fish should go too.

-When you don't eat any meat…there's not much too eat at family affairs. You've created the perfect excuse at Aunt Betty's house, when she serves an all-meat-buffet, with a side of bacon laced potatoes. Suddenly, sitting there eating 4 lettuce leaves doesn't seem so odd so you fly under the radar.

I do hope this study raises awareness with parents that vegetarian-ism can be yet another warning sign of an eating disorder creeping its way into your child's brain.

-mV

Levi's used to be the bomb, but in recent years their brand has tanked due to competition from other small, boutique brands. I personally still love their jeans and their fit…but after seeing their recent ads I will hesitate to purchase in the future.

On Facebook this morning, I was served this disturbing ad of a young woman modeling Levi's that would fit about 1% of the entire population (no girls, this is NOT attractive).

What kind of marketing strategy is this?

This only further alienates their consumers, such as myself, who look to Levi's as a real American brand. Further, a look at their web site homepage shows some dude in skin tight, spandex like, Yellow jeans.

Ahh…I don't think so.
-mV

During National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, I attended a presentation at Marquette University by Jenni Schaefer, the author of "Life without Ed."

As I walked to the presentation room, I caught a glimpse of the cool window art created by Marquette students, and I was impressed!

Schaefer presented to a group of about 200 people, a mixed crowd of students, parents, and press.

I would describe her style as soothing. 

As she spoke, her soft, genuine expression, lit up the room, even as she held up a yellow, dance tutu that she wore at age 4…the age in which Ed 
came along.

Ed, in this case, is not an abbreviation for Eating Disorders. "Ed" is what Schaefer named her disorder. She admitted that when her therapist first brought up this idea, it seemed a bit nutty, but she gave it a try. Opening herself up to the concept of treating her eating disorder as a relationship rather than an illness or condition, started her on the road to recovery after
decades of struggling.

"Ed and I lived together for more than twenty years. He was abusive,
controlling, and never hesitated to
tell me what he thought, how I was
doing it wrong, and what I should be doing instead. . . Ed is not a
high school sweetheart. Ed is not some creep that I started dating in
college. . . Ed's name comes from the initials E.D. —as in eating
disorder. Ed is my eating disorder. —from the introduction of Life Without Ed.

If Schaefer is anything, she is a shining example of hope for full and total recovery. Here are the four main points I noted from her presentation;

Ed was a tool she used to recover and made her realize;

1) I am not an illness. The concept as Ed as a relationship created separation in her mind.
2) Ed gave her something to fight for- fight Ed not herself!
3) Responsibility was now on her shoulders, excuses were no longer possible.
4) Gave the hope she desparately needed to recover.

Perhaps this is a concept you have never considered for yourself as you go through recovery or consider recovery?

Read more here;
Life Without Ed
Jenni Schaefer Site
Jenni Schafer Blog

Are you a former Pro-Anorexic who has quit the cult?

Are you willing to participate in a University study on the topic?

Please email me for more info mamaVISION@gmail.com.

Thank you!
mV

I received a few requests to write about bulimia. The reason I haven't focused on bulimia up until this point, is because I do not have a personal history with the disease.

Here's where I need your help.

I think it will be beneficial and educational for everyone to hear your personal struggle with bulimia, a few questions to ponder;

1) Tell us the sequence of events that lead up to the first time you purged.

2) What recovery efforts have you made, and what advice do you have for other sufferers?

3) What would you say to someone who has just started purging and is headed down the bulimia path?

I look forward to reading your stories, and I am sorry I have not addressed bulimia more specifically up until now. As I said, I don't have a personal history with the disease – and that is because I tried purging only once in my life and I will never, ever do it again.

Here's my story;

I was about 17, back home from Paris. I was an insane workout fanatic, and master restrict-er, so it was a rare occasion that I would allow myself to overeat. I had watched my model friendsthrow up their cakes and pastries for years but I had never had the urge to do it myself.

On this day, I found myself eating some graham crackers, and before I knew it I ate the whole package (1 package of the 3 contained in a box- not a whole box). In my eating disordered mind, this was the end of the world, I was a failure. I could already see that I was fatter, and I decided I would get rid of it.

Home alone, I had privacy, so I went into the downstairs bathroom and knelt at the blue ceramic toilet. Fingers down the throat first only made me gag. Tried again. Again. Again. Finally, out it came, a brown crusty mess.

The evil food was out, mission accomplished.

I was not prepared for the face I would see in the mirror as I looked up. Bloodshot eyes stared back at me as I wiped my nose and felt an unfamiliar soreness in my throat.

Right then and there I decided; I would never, ever purge again. And I never did.

The entire process completely freaked me out, and for me, it was just a hell of a lot easier not to eat.

Your turn.

And thank you, ahead of time, for sharing your story.

mamaV

xoxo

Warning: The following post contains images that may be triggering.

Pro Anorexia web sites have increased 470% from 2006 to 2007, according to Optenet.

470% – that's insane.

Yet, when I ask the average parent if they have heard of  "pro ana," their eyes immediately glaze over. Why is this?

Let's see what our Ana friends have been up to, I haven't been on their case in a while, so time to surf the web….

Enter these Google search terms to find endless pages, sites, gory images, videos, and how to information – all in the name of  – "Pro Anorexia- The Lifestyle":

"Pro Ana": 8,840,000

"Pro Anorexia": 215,000

"Thinspiration": 57,900 

"Ana Mia": 513,000

"How To Be Anorexic": 1,240,000

"How To Be Bulimic": 431,000

"I am afraid of fat": 4,810,000

If those stats have not scared the crap out of you yet, let's move on to what's happening on YouTube. These represent full length videos folks, each average a few minutes in length:

Average new video per week: 100+

First Video Upload: May 13, 2006

"Ana Mia": 12,400

"Thinspo": 6,640

"Thinspiration": 3,890

"Pro Anorexia": 1,680

This insane increase may be attributed to;

• "Look Who's FAT" headlines pelting us at every single turn in the grocery check out aisle, partnered with anorexic images of Mary Kate Olsen crossing the streets of NYC dressed like a granny, gripping a Starbucks weighing in at 90 pounds tops.

Two examples of the thousands posted on the web of "real girl" thinspiration -the bathroom generally being the most popular location of the photo shoot (note to mom and dad: she is doing more than getting rid of their dinner in there).

• Tech-savvy teens laughing at efforts to shut down the pro ana sites quickly generating more content to royally piss off their parents.

• Well intentioned mothers scheduling their perfectly healthy daughters breast implants and liposuction for their sweet 16 birthday. If they die under the knife…oh well, life happens.

• Teen magazine articles preaching "eat healthy" while a turn of the page shows a bony girl smiling at the reader as if to say "You will never be me you fat ass loser."
• Every single fashion rag in this country filling its pages with photoshopped images of already super duper skinny models in order to make us regular people feel like a pile of crap….but they wouldn't make them if WE DIDN"T BUY THEM.

• Average size fashion model shrinking to a size 00 over the past decade (fun fact: according to the documentary America The Beautiful, this trend is "because designers need to save money on fabric.")

Rant over,
mamaV

Last year, I posted a video "Thanksgiving without an eating disorder," showing my daughter and I making a pie.

This one is a little more nutty- I had my kids and some friends over, and we decided to make cookies.

"We just want to eat them," said the boys, moaning and groaning about decorating them.

I got them rolling, the only rule being – no licking the tubes of frosting, too grody for me. As you can see from the looks of my kitchen table, we had a blast.

My daughters little buddy from China said, "You know, this is really, really fun!" He had never made "American style" Christmas cookies before and it was so neat to see his face light up.

Out they went, carrying their tray of cookies, excitedly telling their parents what they did, and thanking me over and over.

Needless to say, I felt like a queen for a day.

What special traditions do you do during the holidays?

-mamaV

Watching Caroline Rothstein got me rattled. Time for a mind dump;

Women have hated their bodies since the beginning of time. Fat is fear. Fat is grotesque. Most would choose death over fat.

Hate the fat people, they are contagious.

We chatter obsessively about food, shaming ourselves, rewarding our cravings, oblivious to the finely tuned in ears of our daughters, who see themselves our distorted mirrors.

Women suck at supporting one another.

We are fake in our sympathy because we can not escape ourselves. The green eyed monster clings on to our bloated stomachs and cellulite thighs, halting real relationships with a thinner friend. This I know, for I am a skinny bitch.

We all have a story. 

Diagnosis is individual, and sometimes flawed. Control, shame, and abuse rank high on the list of reasons for our destruction. Genes plague many, but for the growing group of others its pure and simple vanity, like it or not.

Anorexics… just eat already.

Bulimics don't purge…they vomit. Alone. In places and ways unimaginable.

Athletes…they are just following the rules. It's dedication.

EDNOS sufferers flounder somewhere in between hoping to qualify.

We are Weight-Watcher Lifers, Pro Ana Wannabes, Morbidly Obese Shut Ins, and True-Blue Anorexics. We have more in common than we care to admit. 

Parents are a saving grace or the nail in our coffin.

Mothers who would give their life for their child, wrongly blaming themselves for our condition. Others who have knowingly brainwashed since birth. 

Insurance companies fight to blame us, getting back to their paperwork as we die in silence. Mental disease doesn't count in this country you weak, pathetic soul. Just keep it hidden, hold it down, don't bother us with your nonsense. Bring back the good ole' sanitariums. Lock 'em up.

Only you can stop self hate chatter.

It is you who must seek the help you so desperately need. Only you can turn off the racket. But it is us who must unite.

I have escaped, but I still want to ride along with you. 

Absorbed in your misery to force different thoughts. Momentarily causing a pause. Hoping ideas will bring you the soul you have never known.

-mamaV

I am thinking I don't thank you all enough. The emails, the thoughtful comments, the everything…its really quite overwhelming at times.

This blog has been an incredible journey, one that has caused me to dig deep inside at times, take time to ponder where my head is at, but most of all it has given me you. This community means the world to me. Do you know that?

I know, I know…we argue, disagree, bat each other around from time to time – but when all is said and done we have a purpose here. We are all serving a purpose here. This would be nothing but a bunch of words without your breath of life.

I literally have no interest in listening to myself talk. It's the interaction with all of you that keeps me writing.

Plus, I know we are making a difference. I know this has become a daily meeting place for many, a safe place, and a place of hope amidst the darkness.

I hope you all were able to pause, and appreciate your families today. Thanksgiving is generally hell day  for ED sufferers…a nightmare of tradition revolving around food and stuffing ourselves silly. Crap, I remember dreading this day. I would plan how I would duck and dodge to get out of eating, flush my food down the toilet, or sneak it to the dog under the table.

Usually it was too nuts for anyone to notice, so I usually made it through, but I was miserable inside. So I wanted you all to know my heart was and is with you today.

To a better tomorrow my friends.

Love,

mamaV

XOXO

Reality sets in today for us at mamaVISION.

Although we talk, support, argue, laugh and tease here on the blog….the truth we must always remember is we are discussing a deadly topic. Eating disorders take the lives of women every single day, but statistics don’t really hit home do they?

“10 Million Females in the United States Are Battling Eating Disorders.”

If you are like me, you think, “Ok, 10 million…big number.” and life goes on. We can’t even process this figure.

But today is different. We have lost 3, that’s three, of our own.

Three young, vibrant lives snuffed out by an disease that tortures the mind and soul, until the body simply surrenders.

Emily

Ellie

Sheri

Emily started posting here well over a year ago. Her mom Brooke was concerned about her, so she searched her computer to see what she was doing online and found mamaVISION.com. She bravely and responsibility reacted by reaching out to me and asking me what she should do. She was a mother desperate to help. A mother willing to do anything in her power to heal her beloved daughter.

But as we all know, as friends and family we can listen, we can love, we can stand by their side and help with therapy and treatment. But the sufferer then needs to do the work. The work is often too much to bare and when those feelings of fear, shame, and negativity creep in..they retreat to the habits they know will eventually take their life. Starving. Restricting. Binging. Purging.

Emily was 17 years old. She suffered a heart attack. The attack was not her first, the unfortunate veteran of an eating disorder. She survived in a coma, but eventually passed in peace.

Ellie and Sheri are two others being remembered on the open forum. I need you to post about these women, because I didn’t have the pleasure to know them. Please tell us their stories, and send me their pictures to post to the memorial if appropriate.

Stop today, and think about these three women. Take a few breaths, and think.

And please don’t naively believe for one moment this won’t be you if you don’t reach out for help. I would bet Emily, Ellie and Sheri never imagined they would be written about today.

Love always,

mamaV

Call it disordered eating. Call it a diet. Call it balanced lifestyle. It’s all whacked.

This was a topic of conversation over the weekend at a blogger meeting in Chicago. I had the pleasure to meet up with a group of women bloggers including my longtime friend Stephanie from BISJ, and new friends Melissa from Talesofadisorderedeater, PastaQueen the author of "Half-Assed", Linda from FatDontWrinkle (gotta love that name).

I realized I come from a unique perspective because I have never "dieted" (yeah, yeah, I know "skinny bitch," you can say it). I went from normal Midwestern girl, to psycho-workout-starvation-freak, right back to normal Midwestern woman. Trust me, I don’t take it for granted. 

I sat and listened what it takes to maintain a goal weight on a Weight Watchers program. The measuring, the calorie journals, food calculations before every bite. It’s your basic time-consuming, mind-numbing, obsessive behaviors necessary for lifetime diet success. Hmmm….sounds quite familiar doesn’t it?

Here’s the difference, at least from the "Weight Watcher" girl perspective-

1) They aren’t deadly thin.

2) They don’t purge.

Don’t worry, I piped in with my big mouth to say "being thin is not a prerequisite to an ED, nor is purging."

I can’t tell you how many times I have been emailed by frustrated EDNOS sufferers with this very same thought. How many girls have posted here saying they were sent home from the hospital, after finally confiding their eating disorder "mind", only to be sent home because they were not "anorexically thin?"

At the end of the day, the whole thing just made me sad. It’s sad that the most fun I had with a group of women in a long time was around a table relating on eating behaviors.

The worst part, I am afraid, is that all of this, every single, sick part of it – is simply part of being a girl.

-mamaV

This video is evidence that parents do not cause eating disorders, Laura Collins Author of Eating With Your Anorexic

Family-Based Treatment for Anorexia Nervosafrom Maudsley Parentson Vimeo.

Eating Disorders in Adolescence from Jane Cawley on Vimeo. –

This video provides detail on the background studies on the Maudsley Approach To ED Treatment

Fighting Stigma with Science from Jane Cawley on Vimeo.

This video explains the definition of Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge Eating Disorder (BED), and the basic causes of eating disorders.

—–

Shelly from the HBO Documentary THIN has something to say today.

I wake up every morning and ask myself….

Is it worth it? 

Is it worth fighting all the negativity in my mind today?  Is it worth having put trust my in others so often because I cannot trust myself at times?  Is it worth eating and gaining weight?  Is it worth feeling feelings I haven’t allowed myself to feel in so long?  Is worth taking on responsibility when I have run from it in the past?  Is it worth having to talk about things that bother me instead of internalizing them and having them subconsciously wreck my mind?  Is it worth being accountable to myself and others in my life?  Is it worth growing up?  Is it worth taking a risk getting hurt again?  Is it worth getting close to others and letting others in? Is it worth taking risks and possibly failing?  Is it worth taking care of myself…showering, brushing my teeth, my hair?  Is it worth getting dressed? Is it worth finding out who I am and doing what life wants me to do?  Is it worth surrendering to everything I thought was right?  Is it worth learning new ways to cope?  Is it worth setbacks?  Is it worth not knowing what the future holds?  Is it worth giving up the control I thought I had? IS it worth finding out things that could hurt and overwhelm me? Is it worth being so anxious that I can’t even sit still? IS it worth giving up my identity that I have held on to for so long?  Is it worth challenging TV, internet, and radio who say I have to fit some ideal? 

Is it worth it to keep going down the road of recovery?

Do I want to lose my family, friends, and most importantly MYSELF?  Do I want a life of pain and hurt and suffering?  Do I want to die?

NO

So I guess it is worth it to keep fighting no matter how scary and hard it gets.

-Shelly

This video response was posted to me from YouTube regarding the Internet Suicide post. I feel this individual articulates a point of view that is worth sharing because she speaks as an outsider coming into a pro ana community, and being caught off guard on what she finds.

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=GFyjHGUE3bU]

Thoughts?

mamaV 

What is the most ridiculous thing you have every tried to lose weight?

Jezebel recently posted on a Glamour Rag article dedicated to this topic, “Scary Diet Tricks No Woman Should Try!”

Before you all freak and tell me that I am providing tips and tricks for pro anas or individuals with ED’s please just stop. The web is crawling with this crap so don’t delude yourself into believing I am revealing some mystery here. Plus not one item on the Glamour list was new to me, so my guess you all won’t be surprised either.

My lamest attempt at weight loss?

Baby food. Who the hell knows how I even came up with this idea, but we all know the mind does strange things when deliberately starved. Didn’t taste bad really, but the vision of a teenage girl walking down the street chomping down strained peas from a mini glass Gerber jar is rather psycho.

Your turn,

-mamaV 

—-

Many of you remember Polly from the HBO documentary THIN by Lauren Greenfield.

Image Source for all photos: Lauren Greenfield, THIN

Polly passed away on Friday evening. Please send your prayers to her friends and family. Take a moment to reflect upon the courage it took for Polly to let it all fly on THIN. I’m nothing next to this one, she was something, talk about guts.

“Dieting has always been a huge part of my life. I remember all the things that are signs of eating disorders being taught by my family; cut my food into really small pieces, and chew very slowly and take your time, and drink water in between so your stomach fills up faster. I was counting calories and fat by the time I was 11.

I had diet pills packed in my lunch in elementary school. When I was ten years old, my mother and my aunt paid me $100 each to lose 10 pounds. It wasn’t until recently I pulled out a photo album that I was like, Oh my Gosh. I really wasn’t fat. I’ve had a distorted view of myself  pretty much most of my life.

- Polly, THIN documentary, read more here.

Polly’s obituary from her local paper

Polly’s caring bridge site

Sisters Erin and Jean, publishers of REAL magazine call themselves “Inspired Realists.”

That sure has a nice ring to it.

Download REAL magazine here!

The first issue of REAL magazine is wrapped in a fantastic design featuring an funky, elegant, witch, beauty queen. Inside, the creativity explodes with unique articles such as “Harajuku Girls” (brought to fame by Gwen Stefani), and “Happy or Hungry?” a must read for all mamaV fans.

They even resurrect the tired old phrase “Beauty is skin deep,” with their insightful piece that challenges the reader to understand their own beauty perceptions with a self poll that is sure to make you stop. Think. And rethink.

The only slight disappointment I had in REAL magazine is the editors were sucked into the same photo-shopped pro ana pictures I have fallen for in the past, with their showcase article “Hot, Blonde, Famous and Rich.”

I’m not sure how these two Aussie’ s, just 18 and 20, managed to gather so much wisdom so quickly, but they amaze me. I’m not the only one they have impressed.  The funds for this debut issue was provided by Rushworth Community House. Visit their myspace page to donate to the next issue. 

Hmmm…they even managed to coax me out of my funk. 

I’M BACK BABY!

-mamaV

Download REAL magazine here!