Eating Disorder ProAna Blogger Focused on Body Image and Self Esteem

This video is evidence that parents do not cause eating disorders, Laura Collins Author of Eating With Your Anorexic

Family-Based Treatment for Anorexia Nervosafrom Maudsley Parentson Vimeo.

Eating Disorders in Adolescence from Jane Cawley on Vimeo. –

This video provides detail on the background studies on the Maudsley Approach To ED Treatment

Fighting Stigma with Science from Jane Cawley on Vimeo.

This video explains the definition of Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge Eating Disorder (BED), and the basic causes of eating disorders.

—–

Shelly from the HBO Documentary THIN has something to say today.

I wake up every morning and ask myself….

Is it worth it? 

Is it worth fighting all the negativity in my mind today?  Is it worth having put trust my in others so often because I cannot trust myself at times?  Is it worth eating and gaining weight?  Is it worth feeling feelings I haven’t allowed myself to feel in so long?  Is worth taking on responsibility when I have run from it in the past?  Is it worth having to talk about things that bother me instead of internalizing them and having them subconsciously wreck my mind?  Is it worth being accountable to myself and others in my life?  Is it worth growing up?  Is it worth taking a risk getting hurt again?  Is it worth getting close to others and letting others in? Is it worth taking risks and possibly failing?  Is it worth taking care of myself…showering, brushing my teeth, my hair?  Is it worth getting dressed? Is it worth finding out who I am and doing what life wants me to do?  Is it worth surrendering to everything I thought was right?  Is it worth learning new ways to cope?  Is it worth setbacks?  Is it worth not knowing what the future holds?  Is it worth giving up the control I thought I had? IS it worth finding out things that could hurt and overwhelm me? Is it worth being so anxious that I can’t even sit still? IS it worth giving up my identity that I have held on to for so long?  Is it worth challenging TV, internet, and radio who say I have to fit some ideal? 

Is it worth it to keep going down the road of recovery?

Do I want to lose my family, friends, and most importantly MYSELF?  Do I want a life of pain and hurt and suffering?  Do I want to die?

NO

So I guess it is worth it to keep fighting no matter how scary and hard it gets.

-Shelly

Video commentary on the Faces of Pro Ana saga that occured over the weekend. Videos are a bit choppy, but I am busy as heck and I wanted to get these posted.

 [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKodYgNRCWk]

Part 2 (camera died on me!)

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3u0Mi6NTMU]

 Looking forward to your response,

-mamaV

I thought I’d help Josie drive some traffic to her cute, little post on My Pro Ana Hero!

This is my ~ThInSpIrAtIoN~

That’s me by the way, 21, skinny and miserable, sent to Miami by my NY agent to shoot with some pervert photographer. I ate nothing for 3 days until my self discipline broke and I mowed down a box of Total cereal, then hit the pool for a marathon swim. Good times.

Hey, I feel that spark coming back!

Look out Josie!

-mamaV

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=uJyHFl1ox8U]

Tipster Izzy directed to me to Faces of Pro Ana  (fixed the link it works now). I guess I am not the only one swiping images of Pro Ana girls on public web sites and displaying them to make a point.

I personally think this one holding the skull is particularly creative.

Sunday 3/30 1:30pm picture removed per request of individual shown. 

Can this get anymore psycho? Or is today’s youth so bored that they cling on to some grim reality for the shock factor?

Honestly, this is getting so tired. I didn’t think I would ever say this, but after nearly two years of blogging on this topic I have no idea why I am doing this. 

-mamaV

This video response was posted to me from YouTube regarding the Internet Suicide post. I feel this individual articulates a point of view that is worth sharing because she speaks as an outsider coming into a pro ana community, and being caught off guard on what she finds.

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=GFyjHGUE3bU]

Thoughts?

mamaV 

What is the most ridiculous thing you have every tried to lose weight?

Jezebel recently posted on a Glamour Rag article dedicated to this topic, “Scary Diet Tricks No Woman Should Try!”

Before you all freak and tell me that I am providing tips and tricks for pro anas or individuals with ED’s please just stop. The web is crawling with this crap so don’t delude yourself into believing I am revealing some mystery here. Plus not one item on the Glamour list was new to me, so my guess you all won’t be surprised either.

My lamest attempt at weight loss?

Baby food. Who the hell knows how I even came up with this idea, but we all know the mind does strange things when deliberately starved. Didn’t taste bad really, but the vision of a teenage girl walking down the street chomping down strained peas from a mini glass Gerber jar is rather psycho.

Your turn,

-mamaV 

We are going to keep rolling with Shelly, from the HBO documentary THIN, because I can see you are all relating quite well. This dialogue is good for Shelly and for all of you.

I want to highlight the paragraph below because it strikes at the core of what I believe is a major issue for many of the girls of this community. My hope for each and every one of you, is you can reach the place Shelly has achieved, the place where I live as well, because this is a place of peace and contentment beyond compare:

“I guess I was scared to really look at my life because I was afraid that I wouldn’t like the person I was growing up to be.  Actually, honestly, I guess I was more afraid that people wouldn’t like the person I was.  So I hid behind an eating disorder and a raging addiction so I would have an excuse for why people didn’t like me.  I always had some disorder or dysfunction in my life to blame.  And now, since I am I am recovery I don’t have those things to fall back on and if people don’t like me or what I do, I know have to realize that it is their choice and I don’t have to take responsibility for them or their feelings.”

If you take away anything from Shelly’s statement it’s to live your life for you.

The take away from me is to pound this mantra into your head – life is not about making people like you.

On to Shelly’s thoughts for the day;

So finding out who I am has become the priority in my recovery.  Trading in the identity I have lived with for so long for an identity that more accurately reflects who I am is daunting.  Sometimes I wonder where I fit in this huge, scary world.  While in the throes of my disorder I knew I fit in the world of eating disorders and I was comfortable there.  I could relate to people who were struggling and I am sad to say I shared tips and thinspiration.  I fed off the energy that others with ED had and often I became competitive with others.  Every part of my day revolved around my eating disorder.  Everything I did during the day was focused on how to get thinner and keep myself sick. 

Now, here is where the difficult and fearful part of my recovery comes into play.  When I finally resigned to the fact that I would give up my eating disorder, my addiction, and any other self-destructive coping mechanism I was left with 24 hours day to fill with things to do.  I felt lost, confused, and extremely afraid. What was I going to do?  I had no idea.  When I voiced this concern to others they would tell me that I could do anything I wanted.  I tried to believe them but deep down I was frightened and didn’t know if I could really play this whole recovery game.  But I decided I would at least try it.  I felt like there was no harm in trying and if I didn’t like it then I could always go back to my disease(s). 

I have to be honest… at first I didn’t like it.  But I didn’t dislike it as much as I disliked being consumed with negative thoughts all day long.  Negative thoughts did come and they still do, but I treat them differently.  I don’t listen to what they tell me.  I just notice them and let them go.  Accepting them and being aware was the first part of my recovery.  When the thoughts told me that I shouldn’t eat that french fry…I ate more than one.  It was difficult, but as I became more and more aware the thoughts became less and less powerful.  I kept fighting and I made a commitment to not give up until I tried my absolute hardest for at least a year (I usually don’t like putting time frames on things but I did this time to keep myself going.) 

It was so difficult that sometimes I would pace up and down my hallway because I was so anxious.  I was trying to find things to do.  I read, I knitted, I walked outside, I cried, I cleaned,  I made my meals and then when my husband came home from work I spent time with him. The most important thing I did (and am still doing), however, was to look deep within myself.  I started to figure out how I liked to spend my time, what my morals and values are, what makes me happy, what pisses me off, what stresses me out, how to handle it, etc. 

It was overwhelming because in ten years I had not let myself look at things.  For the past ten years I was merely surviving and I realize now that my ED and my addiction were merely distracting me from doing anything, especially finding out who I was. I guess I was scared to really look at my life because I was afraid that I wouldn’t like the person I was growing up to be.  Actually, honestly, I guess I was more afraid that people wouldn’t like the person I was.  So I hid behind an eating disorder and a raging addiction so I would have an excuse for why people didn’t like me.  I always had some disorder or dysfunction in my life to blame.  And now, since I am I am recovery I don’t have those things to fall back on and if people don’t like me or what I do, I know have to realize that it is their choice and I don’t have to take responsibility for them or their feelings. 

Slowly, it is staring to get a little easier and I am grateful I didn’t give up. I am now trying to find a job.  The nursing field is stressful and because I am now just starting to take care of myself I don’t feel I am ready to take care of people in that environment just yet.  Plus, I might go back to school because I am healthy to do so.  I guess I feel like I CAN really do anything I want to do.  I hate to admit when I am wrong, but I guess everyone was right…again!

To those of you who are fighting don’t give up no matter how hard it gets…you have already made the commitment to at least start to fight.  For those of you contemplating recovery my hope is that you try before it is too late. 

Nowadays I go to bed so tired and drained.  And it is not because I haven’t eaten or purged all day…It is because I working my ass (not literally) off to get better.

-Shelly

 UPDATED: See post from Shelly on her recovery 5 years after the documentary.

—–

Shelly Guillory from the HBO documentary THIN is ready to have her say.

Since the death of her friend Polly Williams, she has decided to come out fighting. Fighting against eating disorders, and the media that fuels them. Here is an update from Shelly sent to me via email;

So I haven’t been around much on the internet and there is a simple reason for this.  I am getting better.  It is easy to say but extremely hard to do.  As a therapist once told me ,(and I laughed at this and totally used this phrase in a mocking tone on more than one occasion)…”it’s simple, but I am not saying it’s easy.”

Little did I know she would be right. 

I cannot say why I decided to get better, but a few months ago something just “clicked”.  In AA they say a person has a spiritual awakening, but because I don’t like that term and I was never like Moses and saw a burning bush, I am just going to go with my Clicking Theory.  I had hit an all time low.  I was depressed, anxious, malnourished, and I was addicted to benzodiazipines.  I realized I had to do something or I would die.  Honestly, I really thought death was the only way I was going to get over this, I almost welcomed it.  But deep down inside I knew I didn’t want to die, but I deeply believed I couldn’t get better.  I kept telling myself over and over again, “you have tried and you have failed everytime.”  But had I really tried?  Had I really surrendered and given recovery every ounce of energy I had?  The answer again was simple…No, I had not.

Shelly one year after treatment at Renfrew, image source: Lauren Greenfield

So in September 2008, I surrendered and it was quite possibly the scariest thing I had ever done.  I realized I had to put aside my preoccupation with weight, food, body image, thinness and everything else that comes along with an eating disorder, once and for all.  I was terrified because I knew without all those distractions I would be force to feel.  Feelings I had not allowed myself to feel in so long were powerful.  I felt uncomfortable because I had not felt anything for so long.  The amount of anxiety I felt scared me and I several times I thought about quitting, turning back to starving and purging.  But I knew I couldn’t.  This was my time and I knew something greater than myself would get me through it.  My confidence was shaky and many times I didn’t believe I could do it, but I just kept telling myself over and over again that I could no matter what I really believed.  The power of positive self-talk has sustained me in my recovery. 

I ate and I gained weight and I sobered up (6 months clean).  The concept was simple, but the process wasn’t easy.  I cannot say this enough, I was scared out of my mind…sometimes paralyzed by fear.  Even today I still have a lot of fear and anxiety.  Recovery is a slow process and because I am impatient it has made the process slightly harder.  But I realized I would rather feel uncomfortable for a little while than to not feel at all. 

A change is happening in me and I welcome it this time instead of pushing it away.  This is the first time I have allowed it to hapen.  I am slowly finding out who I am, what I like, what I don’t like, who I want to be and so on…although scary, it feel awesome and It feels real.

So I write to tell you it is possible.  I was one who wasn’t supposed to make it. I am going to prove those who doubted me wrong.  And it is going to feel good.  And I win in the situation.  Recovery to me means living the life I want, to not be weighed down by unnecessary worries and irrational thoughts.  It means not putting unrealistic expectations on myself and not feeling like a failure when I don’t meet them.  It means improved relationships with the people I love and care about.  It means I can reach out, tell my story and give people hope.  It means I can truly be the person that I am.

I don’t want to overwhelm you guys with my thoughts and my dreams and hopes.  But I will continue to write because hopefully it not only give you hope, but it will also remind me of what I am working for and what I want to attain.

The freedom I feel from not actively engaging in Ed behaviors has provided me with opportunities that I never even noticed before. I will speak out and I will advocate because I know my story needs to be told.

My hope for you today is to at least have one minute, one hour, or even a few hours where you can step back, take a look a look at who you really are and experience peace and serenity.  It may materialize into something greater and more powerful than you thought possible.

Until next time…

Shelly

In memory of Polly.

**Excerpt from The Hip Bone Handbook, how to be anorexic.

I started blogging back in 2006. What started as a total whim, has grown to be a part of me. The girls of my blog community created the nickname “mamaV” and quickly took hold of my heart. The vast majority of these young women find my blog while they secretly search for pro-anorexia online.

Pro-Anorexia?

The thought of Anorexia, as a lifestyle, is so totally preposterous, I have a hard time saying it myself. Most adults are dumbfounded by the topic, as I was when I first caught wind of it.

This is not some random, underground culture. A simple search for the term on Google returns over a million pages of starvation driven content. We are talking deliberate, active, starvation here.

Pro-anorexia, a.k.a. ”pro-ana or wannarexia,”  preys on the weak, the young, the insecure. The more the pro-ana lifestyle takes hold of a young mind, followers actually start to refer to “Ana,” their fictionary god who serves to justify their actions.

This topic is ugly and disturbing.

Do not turn away and leave this one for someone else to deal with, it ain’t going away.

These are OUR girls.

You can address this issue head on, in your everyday life, through the interactions of every young person you are in contact with. You need to be aware of what is going on in the minds of young people today, in order to recognize the deadly habits of a pro-anorexic individual, perhaps even save a precious life before it is sucked into the pro-ana culture.

THIN equals beauty in this society.

We are raising a generation of of young women who would rather die, than be one of the ugly ones.

Life goals are not to be smart, or happy, or strong.

Thin is it. And it’s pathetic.

I can’t sit here, silent, when we have healthy, young, capable lives being pissed away while they are busy collaborating online on how to starve themselves to death.

Can you?

-mamaV

—-

Many of you remember Polly from the HBO documentary THIN by Lauren Greenfield.

Image Source for all photos: Lauren Greenfield, THIN

Polly passed away on Friday evening. Please send your prayers to her friends and family. Take a moment to reflect upon the courage it took for Polly to let it all fly on THIN. I’m nothing next to this one, she was something, talk about guts.

“Dieting has always been a huge part of my life. I remember all the things that are signs of eating disorders being taught by my family; cut my food into really small pieces, and chew very slowly and take your time, and drink water in between so your stomach fills up faster. I was counting calories and fat by the time I was 11.

I had diet pills packed in my lunch in elementary school. When I was ten years old, my mother and my aunt paid me $100 each to lose 10 pounds. It wasn’t until recently I pulled out a photo album that I was like, Oh my Gosh. I really wasn’t fat. I’ve had a distorted view of myself  pretty much most of my life.

- Polly, THIN documentary, read more here.

Polly’s obituary from her local paper

Polly’s caring bridge site

Sisters Erin and Jean, publishers of REAL magazine call themselves “Inspired Realists.”

That sure has a nice ring to it.

Download REAL magazine here!

The first issue of REAL magazine is wrapped in a fantastic design featuring an funky, elegant, witch, beauty queen. Inside, the creativity explodes with unique articles such as “Harajuku Girls” (brought to fame by Gwen Stefani), and “Happy or Hungry?” a must read for all mamaV fans.

They even resurrect the tired old phrase “Beauty is skin deep,” with their insightful piece that challenges the reader to understand their own beauty perceptions with a self poll that is sure to make you stop. Think. And rethink.

The only slight disappointment I had in REAL magazine is the editors were sucked into the same photo-shopped pro ana pictures I have fallen for in the past, with their showcase article “Hot, Blonde, Famous and Rich.”

I’m not sure how these two Aussie’ s, just 18 and 20, managed to gather so much wisdom so quickly, but they amaze me. I’m not the only one they have impressed.  The funds for this debut issue was provided by Rushworth Community House. Visit their myspace page to donate to the next issue. 

Hmmm…they even managed to coax me out of my funk. 

I’M BACK BABY!

-mamaV

Download REAL magazine here!

Girls live and breathe fashion. It’s part of our chemistry. We love to decorate ourselves, pose in the mirror, chat endlessly about the latest style of clothes, handbags, shoes, accessories, you name it. We couldn’t look away from fashion if we tried. We are a captive audience for fashion designers.

Fashion designers demand models resemble “human clothes hangers.” This stick thin look is deemed the only one worthy of showcasing their art.  To achieve this ultimate draping effect for their designs, designers have deliberately shaved the size of clothing down, inch by inch, to a size that never existed before. Size zero. Then double zero.

Size 0 is the average waist size of an 8 year old girl. 

An average fashion model stands 5’9 and weighs in around 100 lbs. 

Four fashion models have dropped dead in the past year and a half.  

Dead not from anorexia, but emaciation. A condition the World Health Organization (WHO) classifies as two levels beyond anorexia. A malnourished body state that is incomprehensible, one generally reserved for impoverished, desperate human beings suffering in Third World Countries. This unfortunate population is sadly susceptible to the horror of starvation, so why are young, wealthy, once vibrant women of the fashion industry succumbing to such a fate?

Luisel Ramos

Struck by a heart attack as she stepped off runway, Luisel Ramos was the first to die in the hands of the fashion industry. Lettuce and Diet Coke were the only foods Luisel was willing to consume for three months prior to her death, since she was told she needed to trim her slim frame in order to stay in the runway game. [1]

Dead: August 2, 2006
Age: 22
Height: 5’9
Weight: 98lbs.

Anna Carolina Reston
Discovered at 14, dead at 21. When this grown woman reached 88 pounds her body gave up. Friends and family recall Ana’s two year slide into the eating disordered world clearly started after being called “fat” when auditioning for a modeling job in China. According to Journalist Laura Ancona, Reston’s health condition was common knowledge. “Everyone knew she was ill,” she says. “the other girls, the agencies, everyone. Don’t believe it when they say they didn’t.”[2] After 21 days fighting for her life in ICU with her dear family at hear side, Ana died from multiple organ failure, hair in patches, a tube down her throat, and tears in her eyes since she was unable to even speak.

Dead: November 15, 2006
Age: 21
Height:5’8”
Weight: 88lbs 

Eliana Ramos
Eliana starved herself to death, just as her sister Luisel did six months earlier. She too suffered a heart attack, at age 18. She was buried with minimal fanfare from the fashion industry, or anyone else for that matter.

Dead: February 13, 2007

Age: 18

Height: 5’9”

Weight: not reported

Hila Elmalich

Perhaps most disturbing, is the drawn out death of Hila Elmalich. Long time friend, fashion photographer Adi Barkan, video recorded Emma’s disturbing life and eventual death. The still images of Emma collapsed in Ade Barkan’s arms are a bit to real to bear. After years of struggling to beat her anorexia, Hila passed away on her 34^th birthday.

Dead: November 14, 2007

Age: 34

Height: 5’6

Weight: 60lbs.

You are cordially invited to call, email, and generally piss off the royal Council of Fashion Designers of America (CFDA) as we count down the days to New York Fashion Week starting February 1st, 2008

Logo and Image from the new CFDA website, nice skeleton.

These are the morons that launched the lamest “health initiative” to date. This was your basic cover their ass strategy devised after four, count em’ 4, models died in the past year and a half.

Not from anorexia, but emaciation (that’s two levels PAST anorexia) according to the World Health Organization.

Deceased models from left: Hila, Luisel & Eliana Ramos (yes they are sisters), and Ana.

I’ve had a great time calling over the past year, paying them an undercover visit back in May, and most recently actually getting a hold of a live person on the phone which knocked me off my chair (although she was quite snippy).

Director of Public Relations, Karen Petersen, took the time to speak to me only to quickly rush me off the phone. She was unwilling to provide any update on their year old iniative (my guess is because there is none), and then briskly assured me I would hear back from her PR Manager Danielle Billingkoff.

No word yet and not holding my breath. Not good PR ladies.

I don’t want you to have to google their number, since they conveniently left it off their web site, so here it is:

Phone number 212-302-1821

Oh, and in order to contact the CFDA you have to hunt their web site, it’s buried in the damn site map, nice:

Email form here

Feel free to ask them to call me back, they have my number. Or, simply ask them questions of your own, like “what the hell have you done in the year since you launched your CYA strategy?”

Here’s me doing some stalking of my own.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VsDBlhqMUHM]

Here’s a “Dear Abbey” of sorts. I received this email today, name and location has been changed to protect privacy. I figured this community would give some interesting advice.

The story is all too familiar…

Hello mamaVISION,

My name is Zoe i am 17 years old and weigh a healthy 13
stone. I was walking around a fashion show which was being held in my
local area, when i was spotted by Storm models the very same people
who manage Kate Moss.

They asked me if i was interested in modeling and i immediately said
yes to them. I was asked to go downtown the very next day to
meet a photographer who would take some photos for a portfolio.

This was all fine until two months afterwards, i was told to lose 3
stone so i was 10 stone! That would make me have a BMI of 18.0 which i
do not think is healthy. I am now on a diet of 270 calories each day
and have collapsed twice in the last four days. I am not sure what to
do, because they are relying on me to do fashion week!

I feel trapped, and was handed some laxatives by a fellow model what
should i do?

Dear ZT:  

You, and only you can make this decision. If you want to be a model, you need to follow the rules. All of which are quite clear.

I have never been one to tell others what to do when it comes to modeling, its a personal choice. I do try to forewarn others what they are getting into with the fashion industry, and fortunately for you Zoe, you have discovered the facts early in the game.

Ask yourself this question: 

How will you feel if you walk away from this opportunity?

When I was asked this question at 16, I said:

I’ll wonder my whole life what I could have done.

I wanted it. I wanted to be a model. I wanted the excitement, the attention, and really it was a blessing in disguise for me. Crap, I barely got out alive, but still would not change a thing.

Zoe, I wish you health and happiness, and I would never encourage anyone to starve. But the reality is, it goes with the territory. Now you need to decide if being a model is worth the pain and suffering.

I encourage you to reach out to your parents, or any other friend or family member that you trust to help you think through this decision. I posted you question here so you can also ponder the thoughts of others.

Take care,

mamaV

This is an image from a Tokyo Fashion Magazine.

Fact or Fiction?

Photoshopped or Real?

Does it really even matter either way?

The fact is it is in print, and therefore it is real. The image exists, and the message is clear, isn’t it girls.

2008 is off to a great frickin’ start.

-mamaV

Taken from: Numéro Tokyo Magazine (February 2008 issue)
Photo: René Habermacher and Jannis Tsipoulanis

As 2007 comes to a close, I thought we would like to revisit this year in dreaded pictures. These are great, bad examples girls. Hold them up as what you are determined not to be.

Supermodel weighing in at under 100 pounds, standing 5’9, hailed a frickin hero.

Former model dead in dear friends arms. A 60 pound grown woman and no one blinks.

No words.

Top Model Barbie. And we thought regular old barbie was too skinny.

Mother, friend, doctor…taken from rising star son by a fat sucking surgeon. If only she would have known how truly beautiful she was.

Spine of anorexic mannequin whispers to you “size zero.”

Teeny Vogue promotes toothpick legs driving home thinspiration message to teenage girls worldwide.

Size 0 pills are all the rage.

Jennifer Hewlett’s ass is evaluated by the world.

Diabetics discover no shots = no fat.

Anorexic child paraded on American TV for our viewing pleasure.

RETRACTION AUGUST 16, 2008

I received a heartfelt message from the mother of the child above, she said the following:

We did not take pleasure having to go on our local news to try to raise money for our daughters treatment when insurance turned us down.  We did the only thing we could think of ,which was to bring to light the fact that our state insurance would not pay for a 10 year old to go into treatment because it was out of state. We told our story , and because we came forward ,the treatment center  was willing to help us. I would not have talked openly about our story otherwise. If I had to do it again I would , because it not only helped us but through my journey I have met other families in our situation.   I am all for the fact that you want to bring ED to light and show how bad they are , but we really don’t like the
 fact that it sounds like we took pleasure in going public, because we didn’t. We have had to battle this illness for 2 years now and it is the hardest thing our family has ever had to go through.  I just wish that you would think about what the families might think when they see what you put about their child on your site.

RESPONSE FROM MAMAV:

Thank you for reaching out to me and explaining your story. I will post a follow up on your daughter and revise the caption as you have requested. How is your daughter doing? Have you been able get all the help you need?
 
My blog is sharp and cutting. I feel it needs to be to express the point of desparation we are in with this disease and culture. I do not intend to hurt individuals such and yourself, and for that I sincerely apologize for hurting you and your family. You have been through enough already. I hope you will accept my sincere apology.

Size 8 is the new full size according to ANTM. Tyra also manages to make old horrifying (notice reflection in mirror).

Guys join in the anorexic fun.

Pro Ana Halloween costume makes its debut. Add some fake jugs and we are in for some fun.

Supermodel Gemma Ward put to shame for her chubby appearance.

Anorexic poses for billboard in Italy, causing nothing more than a blip on the fashionista radar.

Ugly Betty beautified and skinnyfied on Glamour.

Mum kisses her little girl goodbye as she sends the 12 year old to the wolves.

Young woman holds coins and rings in her collarbones and shouts to mamaV “it was a joke!” (still don’t get it).

Spooky models remind girls far and wide runway modeling is not for the faint of heart.

Tunsdall kicks ass when she is told she is “too old to be a rockstar” at 26 years of age.

Faith Hill’s imperfections gleefully brushed away for her adoring fans.

“Skinny bitches” continue to shoot odd pictures of themselves, in various awkward poses and launch them to cyberspace with total disregard of conseqence.

Gil falls silent. But rumor has it she is still with us.

Hollywood knob Perez Hilton makes fun of mental illness and is applauded for his efforts.

Beauty lives on through murder and mayhem, thanks to Tyra Banks deeming this image “fierce!”

The notion of aging gracefully disapears from society.

New Beauty magazine offers every possible way to nip, tuck, and butcher your god given body.

MamaV blows the dust off her 1987 Vogue to remind us where we have been.

We are all still here. We are trying and we are hopeful.

-mamaV

Misery. We wallow in it, we promote it, we continue behaviors to fuel it, all while telling others we are trying. Are we trying? Or have you given up at the moment?

If you are at the depths of your ED, you are probably ready to smack me right now, but that’s good. At least you are alive and thinking. The hard thing about eating disorders is they are all encompassing. You are either in, or out, there’s is not a lot of in between.

Plus nothing phases you when you are in deep. The mind reels incessantly, like a hamster on a wheel, squeaking as it spins, day in and day out, until you don’t know what normal is anymore. Can you imagine if someone was tape recording your daily thoughts? Nuts. Absolutely insane.

How many times would you say negative feelings about yourself?

How much would you be questioning your actions? What you said? How you said it? What ‘they’ think of you?

It’s a damn living nightmare, but I am here to say you can come back. Come back stronger, and harder, and more confident. You can beat this devil of a disease, but it takes persistence, resilience, and one hell of a lot of energy.

Let me tell you what’s waiting for you on the other side. Visualize being capable of;

Reading a book and not losing your place because you can’t concentrate on anything but hunger pains.

Sitting at the dinner table with friends, focused on their faces, expressions, and their words, rather than the food that will not stop calling your name.

The mirror becomes just a mirror, not the arch enemy, judge and jury.

Forgetting, honestly, forgetting to eat because you were so engaged in an activity.

Tell me the last thing you did where you felt like you were in the moment?

Just living life for life’s sake.

Let’s talk new year.  Fresh start. Breaking old habits. Building upon healthy ones.

I want you to: Believe, conceive, achieve.

-mamaV

PS my new year’s resolution is to stop underestimating. When it comes to time, energy, effort, you name it- I will underestimate what it will take to accomplish it. I like to call it “optimism….to a fault.”

It’s time to bring on board someone who is living an eating disorder now and can relate to your needs now. Please welcome the first mamaVISION contributor, twistedSISTER.

She is opting to remain incognito, as I did for the first year of blogging, but she is ready to lend a compassionate ear,  quick wit, and the good old mamaVISION cut-to-the-point attitude that some of you know, love, and sometimes hate.

Her eating disorder is eating her alive, yet she is a talker, a thinker, and a dreamer. 

Her mental illness leads to regular “freak out modes,” as we have come to call them, but she lives on (whether she wants to or not). That’s what I call courage.

TwistedSISTER has struggled beyond my wildest imagination. I watch her in awe. She is a survivor. She is a dear friend. And she is to me, a little sister. 

So why not call her blog, Little Sis?

Too normal. She’s twisted. That’s why I love her.

-mamaV