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Don’t you hate being the first commenter? Me too. Let’s see, what am I thinking about today…..
Work is good.
Kids and hubby are great!
I feel good, trying to maintain good posture at my computer so my neck doesn’t start hurting.
Eating a hummus wrap for lunch right now.
Grieving a friend, you may have heard about the “Sweat Lodge” incident over the weekend. James Shore was a friend of mine and a really neat guy. Worried about the media painting a negative picture of him.
That’s top of mind at the moment.
Chat away,
mV
XO
Hi!
First : MamaV, sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. I saw that story on the news over here, what a tragedy. My thoughts are with his family and friends.
At the risk of having my head bitten off, I’m trying to sort out my eating. I suppose you could say I’m on a diet, but it’s probably more “healthy eating” that I’m trying to do. I probably come under the “EDNOS” definition (binge/comfort eating mostly, some restriction), my psychiatrist said I had a really unhealthy relationship with food. So I’m trying to sort that one out. It’s not easy.
I’m just not feeling like much of a fan of myself right now.
/
Hope you’re all doing well. x
Ohhh its like the good old days having the open forum back!! It was here when I first came to the blog and I didnt want it to go!! But its back so that is a good thing!
I remember the amount of us that would fill this page in about 10 minutes discussing strange things like green cookies (michelle) and mamaV’s army (gabi, hagar, jane etc) its bringing back memories for me just writing on here.
Anyway thought I would post on here for old times sake!
Smudge, babes how are you doing? I saw your post above, the good thing about the open forum is that you wont get told off, everyone who posts on here can post what and when they like, people bring up subjects that you wouldnt really see in a post or just jhavent been made into a post yet and then everyone replies. But anyways, I am kinda glad you are trying to work on your healthy eating, but you followed saying that you would come under EDNOS. I have a very unhealthy attitude towards food too, I actually dont like it at all. But we just have to work day by day ya know? Take each day as it comes and get over the hurdles that are thrown at us. We will fall, we get back up, we will cry, we start things again. Its like a circle but what we dont realise is that each time we fall or cry or feel weak, we are in fact getting stronger. Because we do get back up and keep trying. Just be strong babe and know that I am here for you anytime xxxx
Hi, Nats! Your post is pretty much spot on – I suppose we all really do have to take each day as it comes, see what it brings and so on. You can only plan so much of your life, after all.
Well, I’m sat at work and trying to think up nice, inexpensive Christmas gifts for friends and family. I’m doing pretty well, considering the recession and all, but money is much tighter this year (for a number of reasons, not least paying off a credit card bill that I ran up whilst in a hypomanic bipolar state – whoops). So I’m trying to think of personal, meaningful things that don’t cost the earth. Anyone got any bright ideas?!
Now I would say yes but you need to tell me who you are buying for, best friend? mum? etc then yes I will let you know my ideas as I am very good with presents apparently (so im told) xxxx
Okay…for meaningful gifts…depending on the friend, what I always like to do is modgpodge stuff. What you do is you get a photo frame, a box, a plaque to hang on the walll…whatever floats your boat, and than you decorate it with photos or quotes or stickers or sutff that looks cool and paint a clear layer of modgepodge over it. And you have a quick inexpensive very meaningful present.
good idea free! x How are you doing?
Hi! Oh wow – I am so glad to see the forum back this way! Great format! I am really happy to see you posting on here too Nats! I have a good thing and a not so good thing to write about, so I guess I’ll start with the bad. I am still having problems with .O., my boyfriend. He says that my issues with food and cutting affect him too and I have to acknowledge that. I don’t want to do that; I don’t want him to be a part of this in any way, and I feel like I do fine just avoiding it… I mean, I am eating ok now, I just refuse to do it in front of him. I can’t. But he says that his mom has asked why he doesn’t ask me to have dinner with them sometime (she hasn’t met me) and he has to lie about it, and he doesn’t like it. I don’t know what to do… I need help and advice!!!
The good thing was this: I went to Starbucks with my mom today and got a short pumpkin spice latte, but forgot to ask for it non-fat. I realized this after it came and began to freak out. My mom knows I am in recovery from my ED now, so I think she guessed that there was a storm beginning to rage but probably didn’t realize that it was like, a major internal crisis for me. However, I mentally stepped back, told myself it was a short latte, that it wasn’t the end of the world, and was a special treat, and calmed down. I took a deep breath and went and enjoyed my coffee with my mother.
Oh, and on a separate note… I shaved my head for the show I’m in! : D
Now, how is everyone?
Love from,
.C.
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC,
I have missed you babes!!
Sorry to hear that things aren’t going to well with .O. but babe you do need to realise that what you do does affect others and as much as we want to push them away so they have nothing to do with it and get hurt, we probably push them away more in the process and they do see what we are doing and how we act. There have been lots of times that I have tried to hide the worst of my feelings from people mainly because I thought I was protecting them, but its backfired, people see more that we realise they do and they care more than what we think they do and it does hurt them. I do understand that it is hard, I really really do but babe you cant expect him to understand if you dont help him to. Am I making much sense??
Love you babe xxxx
It doesn’t look like my posts are showing up.
basically…I am sick. My parents came and got me from school. They make exsuses for me as to why I don’t eat. My immune system is not functioning.
My therapist is pretty awesome but I haven’t told her yet about the food thing. I can’t decide if it is enough of an issue to bring it up.
My lack of eating might be causing problems for one of my classes because I passed out in class and it was a psychology class and my professor gave me the you need to eat more lecture.
I am pretty much living FML.
Hi Free,
I can see your posts ok, so I dont know if you made anymore that are not appearing.
I think that your food issues are large enough to bring up with your therapist. Even if you do not think they are, they could be contributing to any number of things that you feel you are struggling with. For example with me, my food issues defianately contribute to my mental health issues. I have been dignosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and I am on medication for it but they only do what they are supposed to when I eat as they have to be taken with food. If I do not eat, then they dont work how they should and I drop very quickly into a new version of me which is not nice. I become irrational and bad tempered, I become scared that people are trying to hurt me and then I think about hurting myself to save others the time of doing it.
Do you see what I mean? I never thought my issues with food would contribute to anything execpt my weight, but it is so much more than that and it is affecting my day to day life. Its no longer nothing. Its everything.
I would personally bring it up with your therapist, it will be hard, and it will be emotional because it is a huge thing to admit but babes, you might just find that releasing that information might just make you feel that little bit better.
Nats
xxxx
Hello All,
I am new to this open forum, but i have been reading and posting on this site for a year or so…
I am going through recovery (again) for Mia and have been doing really well for the past week! I had a serious relationship that ended about a month ago . I found out he was sleeping with MANY different people behind my back. (we lived together, so when he found the time for this, i do not know).
I went through a pretty vicious cycle of binging and purging when we first split, but finding the strength now to STOP the pattern. It is a struggle. EVERY SINGLE DAY.
I read and post on this site to get support and support others.
Hope to talk soon!
MelAmber
I know a lot of my problems come from my eating issues. Like…what my heart is doing, my low temp, my exhaustion, how I look and a ton of other things. But I still don’t think I am sick enough. My parents don’t think i have a problem. I actually wanted to ask them for help with everything.
Hi MelAmber,
How are you? I am glad that you are trying recovery, yes it is extremely hard and yes everyday I feel like I should give up but I can now also see a light at the end of the tunnel, like my fight is going to be worth it. I hope you soon see that light too and that you become happy xx
Free, just because you do not think you are sick enough, does not mean that you aren’t. I always think that I am fine, that im not that bad and I also think sometimes that I could stop if I wanted to. I think you should ask your parents for help and if they dont see that you have a problem or choose not to believe so then you need to find someone else, I learnt a long time ago that I needed to find that right person, that someone who was going to get what I am going through and actually see me, the real me and try and help me, most of all wanting to help me. x I am here if you ever need to chat babes xxx
Hi Nats,
As usual, you make sense. I am really trying on this stuff with .O. . We just finished a run of a production in the theatre where I act, and I had one day off (yesterday) before the new one starts rehearsals today. I dedicated the whole day to him, with only a couple of tiny exceptions. We had such a good time – we drove around the city, carved a pumpkin, went to the library and just sort of hung around together. It was really great. Only problem is, I told myself I would ask him to get lunch with me and overcome about my inability to eat in front of him. Lunchtime rolled around, and I just couldn’t seem to do it. He started making food and asked if I wanted any and it was just way to easy to say no. You know how it is. Eating just seems so damn COMPLICATED sometimes, it’s just easier to be hungry. I did tell myself it was ok though, that I would ask at dinner.
But, dinner rolled around and I tried and tried and I could not do it. By then I was feeling a bit tired from lack of food (I had breakfast and a low fat cheese – stick, and though I’ve gone days on way less I am in recovery and have not been doing that so my body reacts differently to lack of food.) and we went back to my room. I ended up falling asleep with him, which would have been nice except for the fact that I felt like such a failure. Finally I told him what was wrong. He said it would get easier, not to worry. He said that I didn’t mean any less to him because we couldn’t get a meal together. I still feel like crap though. I’m such a failure. I wanted our day to be perfect. I want to get better at this, but I just don’t know how. Any advice?
MelAmber – Welcome to the forum! It’s great to see someone new here. I’m glad to hear that you’re trying recovery as well. I am on my first serious attempt and though there have been some slip ups of course (I had one yesterday, if you read what I said to Nats here) I still feel like I am on the right track. It is hard to do, but you can be more normal. I find I have to think analytically about things. My friend .J. says that this is not normal, and I know it’s not, but I feel like it’s a good step towards it, you know? Like trying to think what a reasonable meal is based on general standards, not my own. I am even learning to listen to my body more so I think it’s working!
Free,
I am so sorry to hear that you are ill. I can’t say I didn’t see this coming. I’m worried about you. There is no “sick enough”. When I went to France this summer I was feeling the same way. Shortly before I left I was literally suicidal, and my ED played into that in a big way. “But I’m not thin!” I said to myself. “No one will believe me! No one will want to help me!” So I went to France and I starved. I restricted so hard my body was practically turning itself inside out. I remember one day in Aix-en-Provence I finally broke and bought some bread to eat. I cannot express to you what that felt like – this unbelievable feeling of eating food, real food. I think I must have looked like I hadn’t eaten a real meal in weeks, which was pretty much true at that point. I remember writing in my notebook at that time that that feeling was so intense, if I had had anything left to fear I would have been terrified.
There is no reason to let it get to that point. There is no reason to let it get to the point that you have attained. Free, you need to get help. Talk to your parents. If they won’t help you, tell your therapist (probably a good idea in any case). In the meantime, for the love of God eat. It’s so not worth it. I am telling you right now what I tell myself so often: ED is just a waste of time. It’s just a waste of my life, an interlude of pointless time in between the wellness of before and recovery. Leave it. I believe in you, and I believe you can do it. Keep me posted as much as you can. I’m here for you.
Love to all from,
.C.
Nats,.C.,
I tend to ignore logic or try to create my own and I am not very good at the logic thing.
You are both making too much sense.
My mother is letting me go back to school. I managed to convince my family that I am doing well and that they should take me back. So I have a four hour car ride with my mom…so it might come up. I don’t know.
I don’t know how to bring this up with my therapist. It came up once and I kinda minimalized that problem and told her I don’t have an eating disorder. and since I don’t look like I have one….its not hard to convince people I don’t. Other than my friends that spend a lot of time with me, I can easily convince anyone that I don’t have a problem.
I don’t know if I can eat. I dont’ know how to explain why I don’t eat. I don’t understand why I am how I am so how could I explain this to someone else? I don’t understand why I stopped eating to start with and I don’t know why I continue to do this to myself.
Once in a while i am actually okay with myself and those are the days that I eat. But than things always happen…things that don’t phase other people but that I allow to send me into a tailspin.
C…That is really great that you were able to be honest with him. Keep it up. According to my friends honesty and being truthful is the only thing that can set you free and let you have relationships with others.
Nats…It is good to hear from you again! You sound like you are doing well either that you are good at being curiously logical.
FreeEternally-
Being bone-thin is not a symptom of an eating disorder.
An eating disorder is an unhealthy relationship with food, often caused by something else.
A lot of girls who come through my office with eating disorders “look” normal.
Someone with an eating disorder can be emaciated, average-sized, or even overweight (in the clinical terms, not the eating-disordered-terms).
Talk to your therapist.
We’re here to help, honest.
Kyleanne,
If being bone thin isn’t a symptom why is being that way kinda required to be eligible for help? Or for being diagnosed with something that meets insurance companies standards of needing help.
…
I told my mother tonight that there was something wrong with my relationship with food.
She told me to just eat and to just put it into my schedule. I told her it wasn’t that simple but she figured that as long as I am not purging its okay. She told me that since i am so smart I should be able to think my way out of this and asked me what she did wrong and what was wrong with my home life that I would do this to myself.
Free,
I should have said being bone-thin is not a ‘requirement’ for an eating disorder, rather than not a symptom. I apologize for that.
It is rather frustrating when insurance companies assume that if you are not emaciated you are not “sick enough” for help. This is purely a lack of education on their part, a lack of knowledge.
You mention you are seeing a therapist though- talk to your therapist. If you feel you have an eating disorder (which I believe you do, from reading your posts and seeing your thoughts), reach out to your therapist for help. Often, the actual food is not the issue, but if you are open with your therapist, you may be able to get to the root of the issue (as well as come up with a plan to eat regularly), and get yourself healthy.
Good luck.
RARRRRR!!! I want to yell angry things about that response from your mom, Free, but I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she just wants you to be ok. Seems like she’s trying to downplay the problem, which even if I don’t like I guess I can understand a bit. She is probably scared. If your mom knows anything about eating disorders, she knows that anorexia is really damn serious, and she probably is in denial that you have that or something like it. You and I both know that scheduling is not a quick fix. It can help, but usually only if you have a plan on how to make yourself eat/how to be ok with eating. Kyleanne is right – your therapist is there to help. It does completely suck that insurance companies will pull that shit about weight on people. They are interested in dollars, not your wellness. I say talk to the therapist for now. If you can afford more ED specific treatment, go for that. For now, keep talking to people. I hate to say it but you may need to pull The Word on your mom, by which I mean actually say something along the lines of “Mom, I am anorexic/bulimic/EDNOS/and I need help” or even just, “Mom, I have an eating disorder.” That one might be the best – it keeps you from having to define it specifically but makes it real and unavoidable for her, just as it is for you. It’s not about being smart. I am, like many women and men with eating disorders, damn intelligent, even when my brain is addled from lack of food. Tell her she didn’t do anything wrong if that’s true, or if she did do things to contribute tell her what they were so that she will stop. When I told my mom about my ED she got almost defensive, but I could see through and tell that she was just scared and horribly hurt and felt like it must be her fault somehow. So I told her the truth – no, it wasn’t her fault, but I felt bad when she criticized her own appearance. She is still afraid to bring it up, afraid to ask me how I’m doing, but occasionally we talk about it. And I’m doing better, too, except for the not being able to eat around .O. thing.
As for that, I am thinking of giving it another go soon. I am SO looking forward to this weekend – I’m getting away from the theatre for a few days and going to Chicago to see my siblings who live there! I will probably try again with .O. sometime after that, but I want to do it soon. Nats, you are so right – he was really understanding and I do just have to keep trying and keep being honest with him. It’s just so hard because I don’t want to bring him down, you know? I don’t want to tell him that I feel such incredible shame at him seeing me eat; I don’t want him to know how guilty and disgusted I sometimes feel.
This post is already really long but I’ll probably post again later, because I just had lunch with my Dad and he was SUPER dumb about his “diet”. Ugh! Have to go now though. Nats, how are you doing? MelAmber, still here?
.C.
Also, I have a question for Kyleanne – do you find that a lot of the nurses on your wards, if you work in an inpatient center, have some kinds of food/body image issues themselves? I have heard of this and it seems so damn hypocritical. It makes me really angry to think of nurses who are working with anoretics talking about needing to lose weight. Thanks in advance if you can answer my question… I hope you don’t think it’s cheeky.
.C.
Kyleanne….I was just being a pill with my comments, sorry about that. I feel a little angst at times about the diagnostic criteria for some disorders because the criteria make denial and hiding so much easier. At the same time I understand the need for overly scientifically minded individuals to apply specific measurable criteria to every aspect of life. According to my isurance, based on my physical state I don’t really qualify for help, not even counseling. Luckily I am able to pull other reason why I should be allowed to see a therapist (my mood problems). If I didn’t therapy wouldn’t be covered. But right now, unless I lose about 20 pounds in the next month I am not eligible for help specifically for an eating disorder.
C…Don’t think twice about the thing with my mom, that is a pretty typical interaction for her and myself to have. I did drop the eating disordered word. I told her about the fact that the only criteria for anorexia that I don’t meet right now is the weight requirement. She knows about eating disorders. Lucky me, I am too smart for this. Kinda like I was too smart for self injury when I was 16 (two months later I was on a psych ward for an overdose). Kinda like when I was 12 I was too smart to be getting all depressed (now I am considered bipolar). Ironic. Right? since I am too smart for an eating disorder…where will that leave me in a few months or years I wonder…? I do really appretiate the fact that I am smart enough to pull off a 4.0 consistantly without eating the right foods to have adequete amounts of the essential amino acids and probably not the right stuff for my body to make the non-essential ones. I find twisted humor in that…
How did lunch with your dad and his diet go? It is good that you are taking a break from theater to do something fun. It seems like you are constantly doing a show and I know if I were doing that I would be stressed out my eyeballs.
I wonder at times. If it is worth all this trouble just to give up my current method of coping. It works well enough for the moment. I am able to do most of what I try to do. Why ask for more?
I don’t know how to bring the food thing up again. I’ve been dodging and minimizing the subject every single session. So I am assuming that my therapist has some idea that something is going on.
Would it be weird to say to my therapist, that i think I might have an eating disorder, dispite the fact that I don’t have the weight loss to show for my stupidity? Do people do that?
crap…that was long. sorry about that. I am in essay mode right now because of the stupid school work I am trying (and failing) to catch up on.
Curse these pesky classes. My social life would be fabulous if it werent for the dumb classes.
I hate school. It’s all a conspiracy by the man to make me want to be a real estate agent or an insurance consultant when i grow up. Fite da powa!
http://www.omaha.com/article/20091021/NEWS01/910209970
If this story is not enough of a wake up call for all of you to get help, then I don’t know what is.
Anyone on this site must see this as a wake up call and I hope those who are not getting help realize that the time to start is now.
http://www.omaha.com/article/20091021/NEWS01/910209970
Hey all,
I used to hang around here a lot, but kind of drifted away. I think I might be able to stop in every now and then, just to check up on y’all.
I’m 20 years old, in my third year of college studying Security and Intelligence with a minor in Mathematics. My goal after college is to become a United States Marine Officer. That dream is slowly coming intact as my body is regaining strength, toning, and adjusting to this new physically rigorous environment that I am putting it through as well as my mind (which has always been pretty strong), which is adjusting to the abilities of thinking quickly, demonstrating positive attitudes, being strong/weak when necessary, and being true with myself.
Throughout high school and as a freshman in college, I struggled deeply with bulimia and just an overall sense of hating who I was, where I was going, and what I thought I would become (my mother). It took a lot of dirty digging, but over the summer between my freshman and sophomore years, I really just laid out everything that I wanted in my life, everything that I had right now, and the people who surrounded me so that I could basically evaluate myself. Going to a counselor did not help me, but it has helped many people. I knew myself better than I was able to explain to a stranger, so I knew that I could objectively tell myself which areas in life I needed to work on and which ones were good enough to stay.
It was a messy summer and beginning of the school year, but by the Winter of sophomore year, I was finally beginning to know what I wanted in life; not letting my parents or friends influence my decisions. Yes, I lost a few friends along the way. Yes, my best friend is still with me, though it is hard for her to accept that I am going into the military. Yes, I had to essentially give up the relationship with my mother and allow her to make the moves from now on. No, I did not change my personality; I let it flourish on its own.
It sucked during that period of time. But, now I have a clear vision of who I am as a person and not who everyone else wants me to be.
So, I guess the point of that story is to let you know that I have been through it, fought myself and others, and now am out of it.
Do I slip? Yes. Actually, I commented a few weeks ago on the other post that it had been a year since I though of my ED and it was coming back. What did I do? I retaliated. I laid it all out again. I showed myself that I worked so freaking hard to get where I am right now, why let some random voice in my head screw with me? I heard someone once say that an eating disorder (or any mental illness) is with you for your entire life. It is a daily battle, though some days are easier than others. But, you always have to be on the defensive, ready to fight it off if it ever pops up again.
Like I said, I’ll try to pop in every now and then.. I’ll have to catch up with everyone’s lives, read the recent posts, etc.
I’m glad to see this community is still around. It really helped out when I needed it.
Love y’all. Talk to you soon.
OH my gosh Nats! I forgot about hagar and Jane..
good times.
Oh and, I’ll have to figure out how to change this picture……
Hi C. and Free
I honestly don’t remember if I’ve talked with Kyleanne, MelAmber, or Smudger, but hello to you, too 
Hi All,
So, last time i wrote i described my pride in recovery…well, i totally slipped last night and binged…and purged. I feel ashamed. It is soooo hard. I am dating this new guy, and deathly afraid that he will find out or worse, i will get really fat (I know how vein that sounds, but i am being honest).
As he and i get to know each other, do u think i should open up to him about my past ED(which caused me hospitalization)…he has seen pics of me a year ago and just says ‘wow, omg, you were soooo skinny’ …but he has no idea just how serious it all was…
Please Advise!?
My advice would be to seek more professional help through a counselor. You can’t win this battle alone or at the very least without a well built support system. It is hard- VERY HARD, but only you can do the work.
I came clean with my BF and my anorexia. He loves my honetsy, but I am also recovering and well grounded in therapy. It would not be fair to enter a relationship with this guy without him knowing your struggles. It’s only fair to him.
Hence is why once I sense a relationship could become serious, I clean my slate. I say, listen, I have an eating disorder, been through years of sexual abuse- if you can’t handle that, I am not for you.
Some can, some can’t. My BF can which is amazing. What makes me mad is that everyone ignored my earliar post at how this type of behavior will kill you. No one seems to realize or care.
Anonymous…I know I didn’t ignore your post. And this forum can be a little slow sometimes, you haven’t posted those articles that long age. I know that these behaviors are dangerous and I am actually from Nebraska (these articles might make my life more difficult because of the raised awareness). I think you are right on about seeking professional help.
MelAmber…I would say don’t come right out with it too early in the relationship but do not hide it either. Honesty is essential for the relationship but at the same time if it is still early in the relationship being too honest and outright might be more than the guy is ready for. Don’t give him more than he can handle but at the same time be as honest as possible.
Michelle,
Its good to hear your story and that you are doing well and have gotten through those slip ups.
Rachel…What is going on that you hate school so much? what’s up?
…
I feel like i have no life. All I do is classes, meetings, and walking between all the classes and the meetings and what not. And yet i still can’t seem to have enough of a social life or get enough sleep.
MelAmber,
I agree- don’t come out too early, but eventually, he should know- it’s important not to keep secrets. Keeping secrets like I did with my childhood sexual abuse is what tirggered my anorexia in the first place.
As for the Nebraska girl, I know that the story can be disturbing and upsetting, but it is unfortunately the reality of what can happen if people do not seek some form of treatment- be it whatever of their chosing, are comitted to it, and compliant with it.
No- it’s not easy, it’s very hard. I struggle with it every day. But I’d rather struggle than become another statistic. The thing that really gets on my nerves is all the people on here who know what they are doing is so bad for them, and they just say, yeah I know… but I just don’t care. Or, I just can’t do it, or, I am not ready.
I know how that is how this illness goes. I used to be that. But I am not anymore, and if I can swing it, everyone else here can too. I’m living proof.
Hi Free,
Don’t worry about “being a pill” with your comments earlier. I agree with you that it is frustrating that weight is an actual criteria for insurance coverage on treatment.
Keep in mind though, that by opening up with your therapist, you may also find quite a bit of support for recovery there. A therapist does not have to be specifically trained in eating disorder treatment to be supportive, helpful and kind. When I went through my eating disorder, I was unable to seek eating-disorder-specific treatment, but I made great headway with my therapist, who was a community mental health counsellor, and I am fully recovered, and have been for nearly ten years.
.C.
I apologize for not responding to your question sooner, I needed to take time to think about it. The question you ask has two sides to it (as does every situation), and I am going to tell you mostly what I think.
Often, people with eating disorders feel that if someone says “I wish I could just lose a few pounds”, that they are having body image issues, or struggling with eating disorders themselves. However, this is not always the case- I have never met a woman yet who has been 100% satisfied with her body 100% of the time.
Typically, you will find women want to lose a few pounds here or there when they are getting ready for a date, or getting ready to go to the opera, or anything. Not everyone who wishes they could “lose a few pounds” has an ED living inside their heads dictating their lives.
However, depending on the situation you are working in, there is a high percentage of psych nurses and therapists who have struggled with eating disorders in the past, which has led them into a profession in which they can help people through the same issues they dealt with. This provides empathy, although sometimes it is difficult to maintain neutrality, and some comments may portray more complicated scenarios than just “date weight” scenarios.
I feel like I am rambling on in response to your question, but generally? I believe that nurses and other health professionals need to be very careful when dealing with clients who are struggling with eating disorders, but at the same time, wanting to lose a few pounds does not always mean that they are struggling themselves.
Does this make sense? Please let me know.
Michelle-
I remember speaking to you once or twice on forums last year, but never in any detail. I am happy to hear that you are doing so well! Keep up the good work girl!
Everyone else- welcome here…
Anonymous- very good point in your last post. As a therapist, I often struggle with those same feelings that “if I can do it, you can do it”, but it is part of the illness . . . we are both “living proof” =)
Hey everybody,
Wow! How great to see so many comments! I am going to reply to each individually, starting with…
Michelle,
Great to see you here again, and great to hear you’re doing well! It doesn’t surprise me. You’re a strong girl and you’ve been getting on the right path for a while now. As for your slip-ups, I know how you feel I think… the other day, when I sort of failed in my mission to eat in front of my boyfriend, I felt really terrible. Didn’t want to eat at all, even after he left, but I sucked it up and had dinner. I am also getting better at talking about how I’m feeling, even though there’s a LONG way to go on that. Hope to see you around!
Free,
I don’t want to get redundant by repeating what everyone else is saying, but yeah, talk to the therapist. Also, if you don’t like her, can you switch? It doesn’t seem like that’s the case right now but if it is, that’s probably the best thing. I remember when I was younger my parents chucked me in therapy because I hated my dad so much. I LOATHED therapy – it wasn’t fun at all. It felt like a waste of my time and, what’s more, I felt violated by the questions. I did not want to talk about that stuff, and I felt violated by my father’s presence in the room. The therapist seemed a bit condescending too. I don’t know if that was so much because of her or the whole situation in general, but I soon refused to go. If you find you’re having troubles with a therapist, you should try to switch to someone else. How are things going with your mom? Did you try to talk to her again? I really want to know how things are going… and also, are you still sick? I have to say, FML, I have come down with something. I am in Chicago with my siblings right now and I got sick!!! How much does that suck? My one little time I took off from rehearsal, and I get sick. You’re totally right about me never getting a break from that. Sigh. I do love the theatre, but I am so tired right now… I also meant to tell you, I understand what you mean about coping mechanisms. The other day when I was feeling really bad I thought to myself, if I don’t have starving and I don’t have cutting, what do I have to help myself? I don’t really know the answer, but I think it is people. Namely my friends. I just have to learn to get better at talking to them.
Nats,
Glad to see you here! Keep commenting, you are always the driving force behind the forum, it seems. I love your comments and your support; you are so kind and you help me so much. Talk to you soon, I hope!
Crap, I wanted to write more to Nats, and I haven’t gotten to MelAmber, Anonymous, or Kyleanne yet, but I will try to post later today. Much love to you all!
Love from,
.C.
Thanks for the advice Anon and Free.
I do think that every relationship should be grounded in complete honesty. BUT, i do not want to scare this guy with my baggage. I have not suffered any abuse, and i am so sorry Anon, i can not imagine the things you have had to over come…
My Mia is totally grounded in my irrational belief that i must be perfect in every way in order to be loved. I have my Masters, I work out 2 hours 7 days a week, I never let anyone see me eat anything other then fruits and veggies….hence the need to binge…
I think that i will tell this guy, when i feel safe enough that he will not judge me.
Anon, i totally agree with your thought that ‘if you dont like me the way i am, then see ya!’…
xo
OK, I am back, thanks to the fact that I am sick and can’t do anything else. My sister just tucked me in under a blanket and a huge thick quilt though, which is really nice! I love my siblings. I’m really worried though – I fly home tomorrow, and I have rehearsal in the afternoon. I NEVER skip rehearsal (this weekend was a crazy leap for me) so I am quite afraid to skip any for being sick, but I honestly don’t know if I can do it. Also, I’m worried I’ll get even worse and miss MORE rehearsal… paradoxes of illness, eh? Feel free to weigh in on what you think I should do. For now, back to responding to people!
MelAmber,
I wanted to respond to you first because I am afraid I’ll run out of steam tonight and I know I want to tell you a story. For various reasons, I LOATHE the idea of romantic relationships. People write it off to various things, and I’m sure a therapist would have a field day with some of my life (pedantic as it truly is) but be that as it may, I don’t like them. However, there is this boy, .O., who has sort of worked his way into my life. I can’t even explain how but he keeps sticking around despite all my bullshit and freaking out. I have had EDNOS, which is the way I classify myself, for about 4 years. The night .O. first spoke to me that I remember, I was finishing up a week on nothing but vitamins, coffee with skim milk and splenda, fuze slenderize and diet soda. Not exactly what you picture most guys looking for, I know, and I know it too. .O. did not know that I have an ED, and as time went on with the two of us hanging out it just seemed dumber and dumber. You know all the little tricks to hide – he’d ask me to go get something to eat, and I’d get a plain iced tea; lie when you’ve been crying because you’ve spent the last 20 minutes before he showed up vomiting up cool whip in the bathroom. It just started to seem dumb to hide, you know? I mean, I thought to myself, “I don’t want this guy around anyway. I’ll just tell him the truth, and he’ll leave.” Easier said than done, of course, and I did not do it. One night we were walking around in the dark and we paused to sit down. He asked me if I wanted to go to a mediterranean restaurant and get some food. I began to make some excuse and say I’d go along but I didn’t feel like eating, and then I just felt so tired. Like, why bother? And I just sort of outed with it. I told him I’d had an eating disorder for years. Then I freaked out and ran away, because that is what I do when I am freaked out (I am extremely fast when fleeing emotions, haha) but the important thing is, he came after me. And he told me he didn’t care. And so far, he doesn’t seem to be lying. He doesn’t seem to not care in the sense that he doesn’t give a shit that I am going through stuff, but that it doesn’t make him disgusted at me. He knows about my issues with self injury, too. I still have trouble talking with .O. about things, and we still have our issues about my issues, but, it’s been more than 2 months. I’ve never been with anyone that long. I’ve only really had one other boyfriend anyway. And I don’t talk to many people.
Moral of the story, I guess, is – sometimes you might get unexpected results if you open up. The way I see it is, prepare yourself for him leaving. Get ready, because it is a possibility. Then when you feel the time is right, tell him that you suffer from Bulimia. Honestly, I don’t think he will leave you for that. It seems like he likes you and he will probably just be concerned. It doesn’t matter where your ED is based, it is a part of you that you are struggling with. As for whether or not he’ll judge you, I guess I feel like it’s better to know his feelings early on, but also finding a balance where you can trust him with the information, no matter his reaction. I will tell you that .O. didn’t immediately understand what my ED had to do with the two of us. That might be hard to make him understand. Sadly, he’ll get in time that something so strong is going to have an effect. Anyway, if you have anything you want to ask/say about what I’ve wrote, please feel free!
Love from,
.C.
Hey all! Exciting stuff. I had a fabulous time with my mother. This is the first time we have spent time together and she hasn’t suggested I try to lose weight. Funny thing…this time she kept trying to get me to promise not to lose any more weight. But she still bought me new pants because none of my pants fit me at all. Even the ones she had bought me six months ago because I had not pants that would fit me. Oddly…finding out what size of pants I wear kinda makes me want to keep up my not so great behaviors.
I was honest with my therapist. A lot of it was because of my friends freaked out on me because of my passing out thing has become a big problem and my heart has taken to going funky a lot. And it turns out that article that was posted earlier on the page is actually about a girl that was in the same treatment program as one of my friends…so she and my other friend that both know about my eating issues kinda flipped out on me. Told me they were afraid that I am going to die and that I really needed to bring up at least the passing out thing with my therapist and stop dinking around.
Kyleanne…I learned that my therapist actually does have training and experience treating eating disorders. I was surprised. but I guess that could be a sign. We get along pretty spiffy especially now I have taken to actually being honest. funny how that works
What does being fully recovered look like for you? I mean…I have had these eating issues for almost half my life at this point so I can’t remember or imagine anything else. A majority of my friends have eating disorders and the ones that don’t have subclinical symptoms of eating disorders.
C..I am still sick. The doctor’s can’t seem to figure out what is wrong with me (um…I don’t know…could this have something to do with the fact that I don’t eat? But since I am normal weight I must be eating). I spent time with my mother today. It was spiffy. I am so glad that she has finally stopped telling me I should lose weight. So…Maybe I am getting close to what she thinks I should weigh. Or my pant size numbers are dropping far enough down. Who knows. Being around her gives me migraines. Honest to goodness ones complete with light and sound sensitivity. Weird right?
I am sorry you are sick. Maybe you need to find more ways to relax? I don’t have any say about what I think about if you should miss rehearsals. I have gone to band concerts and rehearsals with a temp that was above 102 degrees. So I guess…I would say try to listen to your body. If it seems to need rest give it some rest for goodness sake.
I am learned a lot about coping mechanisims. And I am learning I have more than I thought I did. Like…I am good at this one thing where I basically send my mind to a happy place for a few minutes to recenter and calm down, and I have my friends and a fabulously loving support network here at school, I use music to express stuff, I use art and crayons (I love to color!!), and there are a few other coping things I do sometimes. But…for some reason eating issues is the easiest thing to do for me. Its like my primary automatic I don’t have to think about it response. I am thinking I just need to practice using other responses. And maybe working on figuring out who I am beyond the eating disorder. Like…Finding something to see in the mirror besides what my eating disorder wants me to see.
MelAmber…Good plan. I think that just going with when it feels right sounds like a good idea.
woohoo!! It is the end of a wonderful saturday! I ate today. Something about pissing my mother off made me okay with it all for just a moment. And I learned I’ve dropped some pant sizes. And I got a cute new outfit that I am going to wear to church tomorrow with my new haircut.
Free-
Being fully recovered looks different for each individual. For me, I started into my eating disorder patterns when I was about thirteen, and I didn’t even start trying to recover until I was about twenty, and when I did begin recovery, I had no clue what being fully recovered looked like! I figured it looked like me blowing up to the size of a balloon, and still eating. Thankfully, this is not the case.
For me, being fully recovered is the ability to go out with my friends and family, and eat what I want to order off the menu, not what is cheapest or lowest kcals, or what I think would be easiest to purge later. Being fully recovered is eating kraft dinner and hotdogs with my children, having late-night-movie-popcorn with my husband, and eating chocolate chip pancakes every Sunday morning.
There are still thoughts that cross my mind, “oh, I should drop a few”, or “are you sure you want to eat this? I mean, really?” but they are like cobwebs- easier to brush off than the brick wall they used to be.
Being fully recovered for some of my clients looks like leaving crazy voicemail messages, one I received this week was something like this- “Kylie, I sat and talked to a bowl of cheerios for twenty minutes, trying to convince said stupid bowl of cheerios that I was going to eat it, and then I finally ate it. ED yelled at me, but I went out to lunch with my friends anyway, because ###lbs is NOT fat.” It really does depend on the person.
I’m very glad you were honest with your therapist. Often, that is the first step to a very successful road to recovery. The first step feels the hardest at first- but you’ll realize that isn’t always the case. Just always remember that YOU can do it. It doesn’t matter who’s done it before, or who will do it in the future- just remember that YOU can. YOU are strong enough, and YOU are able.
You have me in your corner too.
.C.
I noticed that you posted- did my answer to your question make any sense at all? I hope so, and I also hope you feel better and can make it to your rehearsal! Take care!
Addendum:
I began my relationship with ED when I was thirteen. I started into recovery when I was twenty, just starting a psychology degree in University, was considered recovered by twenty-two, had my first child at twenty-three, relapsed almost as soon as he was born, hid my eating disorder for about another year, then entered treatment again at age twenty-five, freshly graduated from my master’s. I was considered recovered at twenty-seven (fourteen years after my eating disorder began- half my life), had my second child, finished off my Ph.D in Psychology, and had my other three children. I am now thirty-six, my oldest daughter just turned thirteen, and my youngest son is almost four.
I work in the local Centre for Adult Psychiatry as a therapist on the ED Unit, and I counsel on both inpatient and outpatient bases, am happily married to a wonderful man and have five beautiful children.
That is who I am!
Michelle,
how on earth could you forget Hagar and Jane? lol they will not be happy to hear that one! (your secret safe with me)
.C. babe, I am not going anywhere, I have just been busy this week is all but now I am BACK! (dont all woop at once ha ha) I like the forum being back, mainly because you can talk about whatever you want, it doesn’t have to be about a certain post etc. But everyone will think differently I guess!
Sooo, it seems everyone is going through something at the moment, I wont list everything again about what you are all going through, to ALL OF YOU though, you are all special people, you deserve to be happy, screw what others think of you, you are you and you should not have to change for ANYONE!
Tell you what, I got told this by my therapist once and I found some strange relief in it but I am not saying it will work for everyone but worth a try right? I always spend alot of time staring at myself in the mirror right, I stand there just looking at myself, vain I know but its what I have always done, trying to figure out what is so wrong with what people see etc. Well my therapist suggested to do it again, but this time to sit there until I saw myself, not the person my ED thinks I am, actually me, and it took me 4 hours lol the first time I did that I didnt really see myself for four hours but I did see it, I saw everything and that was a moment in my life when I thought that enough was enough, I have to change this now before I die and its too late.
Just a suggestion, if you think its rubbish then go ahead and ignore me xxxxx
Nats
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
C.
I am sooo appreciative of the story you just shared!! I can relate 100%…it just gets so tiring…all the hiding, and the cleaning of my washroom, and the mood swings, the family events when you pretend to eat, but really just mash up your food…The date nights when i order a salad and my date raises an eye brow…
In my last relationship my ED was primarily Ana and i was about 30 pounds lighter then i am now…i was hospitalized at one point, so my partner obvi. knew about it..BUT, then he cheated on me (with a very beautiful, SKINNY girl), and eventually we broke up…
SO, its like, as much as i want to tell ‘CK’ (we will call him)…its just so scary!! Mostly, my ED is under control now…but as all ED or EDNOS sufferers know, recovery can slip, and it is easy to fall back into old patterns. CK really cares about me, he thinks i am ‘perfect’…so when i tell him, i am not…then what??
So, if you don’t mind me asking..Whats the status with ‘O’…does he worry about you? try and help? Tell you to get help?? Ignore it??
Free:
I totally relate to the situation you have with your mom…My mom has ALWAYs been a great support..but at the same time, she constantly brags and tells family how beautiful and skinny i am…how health concise and determined..So, its like, if i were fat would i still be wonderful?? Prob not.
I notice that you feel like you are losing weight (smaller pant size)..Please be careful. When i started to lose the weight and buy smaller clothes my ED went rampant. When the store clerks and your friends start telling you how ‘amazing’ and ’skinny’ you are the ED takes over. It is scary.
Well, i am off to Sunday brunch with my family. This should be interesting…we are having bagels and cream cheese and waffles! WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO EAT? God, so annoying. Need some excuse tactics.
xo
MelAmber,
I’m so glad you read and seem to get my story! I get everything you are saying. As for the current status with .O., like I said, we still have our issues. He knows I am trying. And he says he doesn’t mind however long it takes for me to be able to eat with him. He says it doesn’t make me mean any less to him that I can’t. But I know that he is sad sometimes, even though he doesn’t show it. He still asks sometimes if I want something to eat, even though we both know I’ll say I’m not hungry. And he told me the other day that he doesn’t like lying to his mother when she asks why he doesn’t ask me to have dinner with them (I’ve still not met her). The self injury thing is also an issue. We had a big incident a little while back where we were fighting about that. I can tell you about that if you like, but for now I want to say something about the word ‘perfect’ you used above. .O. has used that word in the exact opposite way. He said to me once, “I don’t love you because you’re perfect”. He doesn’t seem to care that I’m not. And I know, I KNOW it is SO hard to show those imperfections. We get so good at hiding them, and we train ourselves to keep up the facade. ED is this big play between strength and weakness. Which it is at any given moment is hard to say sometimes. Just tell yourself that you are strong enough to deal with anything that comes from showing your weakness. It’s hard, but it’s what I try to do. Personally I think when you tell him you’re not perfect, even when you tell him exactly why, he will still think you are. If he’s a good guy (and it sounds like he is) he will not care. As for your ex, to hell with him! I’m glad you’re not with him anymore. When do you think you’ll talk to CK? Soon? Or are you going to wait? Keep me posted!
Kyleanne,
Hi, sorry I didn’t post back more quickly! I always get caught up posting on the last thing I’ve read. I’m totally not complaining about the difficulty though, because I love all the people posting on the forum now. Your post did make sense, but at the same time I don’t know how I feel about it. I think that body image issues can not be classified as ED, sure, but in the context of an ED ward I don’t see how there can be a separation. I know for myself I have had to kick it all. It’s like having a ‘little bit of an eating disorder’ or something like that. I cannot be on a diet. I cannot restrict my food in any way (besides my vegetarianism, which has been a part of my life since before my ED and is actually one of my most normalizing behaviors). I have to ignore everything that says I should lose weight, and not bring it up. I know that people talking about their diets or need to lose weight has a negative impact on how I feel. I think that people working on an eating disorders ward should have to completely eliminate feelings of poor body image from their speech at the very least, if not from their own minds. I get that it’s hard if they’ve been in recovery. I guess I feel a little bit different about that… I think I feel more upset by the idea of people with no personal experience with an ED having those body image issues and projecting them onto people who turn them into knives against themselves. Have you read the book “Wasted” by Marya Hornbacher? (WARNING – VERY TRIGGERING BOOK, DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE AVOIDING TRIGGERS) I remember a part in there where she talks about this kind of woman. Maybe it’s stylized, I don’t know, but I would loathe that kind of person. What kind of a place do you work in now? I’ve never gone to formal treatment. I am trying to make it on my own. So far it’s going ok, I think because I am totally committed to ignoring those harmful ideas, like I said before. Again, sorry I didn’t post back for so long! Please don’t be offended!!
.C.
Anonymous,
I think that people may have reacted negatively or not at all to your post because the way you came in here was a little heavy handed. I think most of the people on this forum are really trying to change, but at the least they wish they could be different. This is not a pro-ana forum, and the people on here are not a cause for you to convert. We are all struggling with some form of ED in one stage or another, all the way from the severest time to recovery. We know that eating disorders are harmful to body and mind; we know this firsthand. You do not need to preach or try to give a ‘wake up call’. We are wide awake in this nightmare. Give advice on recovery tips, share personal stories, or just talk, but do not assume that we do not know the situation. We know it all too well. I hope this post doesn’t offend; I just wanted to let you know what I thought might be going on in other people’s heads by telling you what’s going on in mine.
.C.
Free,
The fact that you’re dropping pants sizes is NOT a good thing. I feel like maybe you are feeling you need to drop to a certain weight to validate getting help. That is crazy dangerous and a terrible idea. Get help now. Stop now. Ignore what your mom is telling you, or what she has told you, or what you think she is or has told you. It doesn’t matter. You know you don’t and haven’t needed to lose weight and anyone who tells you differently is doing something evil. The fact that a lot of your friends have EDs makes me really nervous. Your environment is a big part of how you react to yourself and how you behave, so that probably makes it harder. I’m glad you ate today, but I’m sorry you’re still feeling sick. Yes, not eating is probably if not the cause a huge contributor. You’ve got to nourish yourself. I myself think that I probably will skip rehearsal tonight, and one class tomorrow, just to give myself a big bout of rest so that I can get back in there and get up to speed. Let me know how everything goes!
.C.
Nats,
Hi! I might try your mirror trick… but I don’t know if I have enough time to get there, haha! Seriously though, I really don’t know. I have been feeling better though, but I still don’t know how to deal with my body and how I think I look versus how I do look. I think I’m huge. Other people seem to think differently. For example: I have a shaved head now, because of a role I was in in my theatre. I walked into the dentist’s office with my mom the other day and the woman looked at me for a few moments, then asked why my head was shaved (she’s a family friend sort of). I laughed and explained and went in, and I overheard her talking to my mom, saying she didn’t think I could have cancer because she thought my mom would have told her, but ’she’s so skinny’ or something like that. I don’t see that at all. I think I’m between 20 – 30 pounds heavier now than I was when I was in the worst of my restrictive behaviors. I really am getting better at coming to terms with it, though. It still hurts when .O. says that I am beautiful – and for this reason, I think, he does not say it often – but I am more comfortable around him. It’s like my brother said: “you are quite alright.” I am. I am alright. And we all are, I think, or we will be. I want us all to be ok. Seeing this forum pick up has been great. It makes me think of Emily, though. Did you know her? I was just getting to know her when she died. She was anorexic and it killed her. I don’t know… Anyway, I have to go – hope to hear from you soon.
.C.
MelAmber…I don’t actually feel like I am losing weight. But the scales says I am and my pants size says that I am. I see myself the same as when my pant size was more than double what it is now…its weird. I feel like my eyes don’t work.
how did your family brunch go? I am sorry you felt so stressed about it before and that you felt like you needed excuses and such not. I hope it went well.
Nats…Woop woop! Its fabulous that you’ll be around. your posts often make me smile.
Kyleanne…I often doubt if I am strong enough to change. I mean…I started this when I was 12. I am almost done getting a degree in psychology and behavioral science. How things are right now mostly works.
thanks for telling me your story. It is encouraging to know that recovery is possible. And that I can still go into a field related to counseling despite the fact that I have a few issues to work out. I am on the way to getting two masters degrees by the time I am 23 or 24. All I have to do is pass the GRE and prove that I am not insane and than I will be in a program to get my degrees in counseling and in theology. All I have to do is clear up this ED thing within the next 10 months or else find a better way to hide it.
C…Why does most of my friends having EDs make you nervous. Most of them are in recovery or are recovered and are trying to get me into recovery (other than the ones that help me hide behaviors from my friends that would freak out about the behaviors). I think me losing weight will not hurt my chances of getting help. My pant size is officially half of what it was six months ago. It is weird but it is getting easier to lose weight right now. I don’t really feel like I get hungry most days.
I am actually rereading the book “Wasted” for the umptenth time. I kinda like the book. I read it usually right after I read “An Unquiet Mind”
…
My world is a little weird these days. I love all my friends dearly but sometimes it makes me so tired to just stand upright so walking across campus makes me exhausted. I’ve been invited to all sorts of social things but I am so tired and I keep passing out…it seems like whenever I get tired I tend to pass out more. Question of the night for me is Edgar Allen Poe reading night or not. If I go I would probably have fun. But if I pass out while I am there my friends will flip on me. If I don’t go than I’ll just have another boring night in the dorms and I am already a bit on the angst side after spending time with my mother this weekend. Edgar Allen Poe night…here I come I guess.
Hey Free,
How was Poe night? Sounds kind of fun. I hope that you did not pass out, but if you did I think your friends are right to flip on you. That is not healthy. As for losing weight hurting your chances of getting help, I don’t think it will directly, but if you keep saying “I’ll be thin enough to deserve it when I lose five pounds” you will never get there. You will always think you need to be thinner because that’s how this disease works. As for my nervousness over your friends, I guess that was just my initial reaction because it’s hard to take advice from someone who seems to be talking out of both sides of their face, so to speak. If you have someone telling you not to do something, and then they do that or something very similar it’s hard to obey what they say. At least I find it to be so. Plus, any people that you are around that are talking about ED behaviors and stuff like that can be triggering. Speaking of triggers, WHY ARE YOU READING WASTED?! You KNOW that book is an super trigger. You should not be trying to trigger yourself, Free. You need to work out of this. You can’t have it both ways – you can’t have your ED gone and hold onto it as well. You must let that book, along with your behaviors, go. When I read it I was in France, and it sent me into one of the most severe spirals I’ve ever experienced. I was literally starving. I actually don’t remember a lot of that time because of that. I just remember pain. We don’t have to live like this. You don’t have to live like this. Talk to your therapist about the book at least. See what she says. I’m sure she’s read it. Keep me posted and let me know how Edgar Allen Poe night went!
Love from,
.C.
C…Poe night was pretty spiffy. We have decided to have weekly get togethers to read Poe aloud and wonder and the words he has strung together to produce the literary peices he has. That sentence’s structure is terrible but my brain is too frazzled to fix it.
Most of my friends that tell me to recover are recovered themselves. Or else when they do relapse they get help. the people that talk about ED behaviors are unaware of my ED. it is a weird dynamic and I am really observant so I have noticed more about my friends than they have noticed about me. It is a little weird when I think about it that most of my friends have turned out to have EDs and that they feel comfortable letting me know but I don’t feel comfortable letting them know.
I don’t know why I am reading Wasted. It is actually recommended reading for one of the classes I am going to be taking next semester, right along with Get Me Out of Here (about Borderline Personality Disorder) An Unquiet Mind (Bipolar), and some other book that is about Schizophrenia. Maybe I do want to be triggered. but my existance and my school is enough of a trigger to keep me on the merry go round until something is strong enough to push me off. I kinda do want it both ways. I want to be done with the not so fun aspects of the eating disorder but I want to keep some of the other aspects like the positive attention for weight loss and the crazy feelings and rushes that come.
I guess I say that because I am functioning so well on so little it is all okay. Bleah…I think too much. And I have a science class to get to. I sit through the class bored out of my mind because I read the text book in week one and filled out all the study guides for the tests in week two but I can’t just take all the tests and test out of the class because sitting in a desk counts for something. Boo.
WOW!! Free, you need to stop babe, stop and think clearly about what it is you are doing babes. It is worrying that most of your friends have ED’s, its great that some are in recovery it really really is but you cant surround yourself with people who basically want the same as your ED part does, the ED part of all of you will attach to the ED part of the others and you will find yourself comparing and that leads even worse places. Been there babe, I am not saying you should ditch your friends, not at all, I am saying take a step back, and find you! You are a great person you really are and I wish you would realise that. You dont need to get attention from losing weight, you should be getting attention because you are you, not anything else.
Also, if you want to talk about Borderline Personality, I have one, skip the book! lol that would be very heavy and I live with BPD everyday xx I know Bipolar people too. I have not read Wasted, do I really want to know what this book is about?
Nats
xxxxx
LOVE YOU ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL AND SMILE!!!!
Oh Nats, you are always either taking the words out of my mouth, or taking something I try to say and saying it way better! Thank you! That is what I was trying to say about your friends, Free – just that it can make it harder on you. Nats is also right about the attention for weight loss. I totally know how you feel here, and that’s the great thing about this forum: we’ve all been there to some extent. I remember the compliments I used to get for being soooo skinny, but the thing is, you can’t even REALLY enjoy them, can you? Because you don’t really believe that you ARE that skinny, or even skinny at all. I know it was that way with me, and it sounds like it might be the same for you.
Anyway, as for Wasted… if it’s just recommended reading, and you don’t have to read it, don’t read it. In fact, even if it IS required I wouldn’t read it. I imagine the chances of you going to a professor and saying ‘look, I have an eating disorder and this book could be very physically harmful for me to read’ is unlikely, but considering you’ve read the book multiple times you should be able to get along fine without rereading it.
To Nats on that: Wasted is the autobiography of Marya Hornbacher, an anorexic and bulimic. It reads like your god damned life story at times, and is INSANELY triggering. It’s an excellent book, and I think it was probably written in good faith, but people use it to trigger themselves. I know I did. I would NOT recommend reading it, because it could really hurt you, but you can look up the author and stuff online if you’re interested, or ask MamaV. In fact, I’d love her to do a post on it. I emailed her once and she never got back to me but maybe if you ask her she would.
.C.
The prof that assigned those as recommended reading is known for taking test questions out of them and her definition of recommended reading is that is you want more than a C in the class you will have the books memorized. She is the same prof that makes her students memorize the DSM-IV.
Like heck I would ever let my profs know that there is anything going on. One of the them figured stuff out because I have a class with him every semester and I passed out in his class a week or two ago. Now I have to convince him I am better which will be hard because he was a counselor before he was a prof and he teaches psy classes but if I don’t my status as a student is in jeopardy. But at my school having an eating disorder is grounds to be asked to leave school and you can be banned from campus (Including your dorm room) until you can convince the school psuedo-counselor that you are 100% better and happy and that you can fit into the stupid cookie cutter world they are creating.
Nats…I don’t know who I am. Usually most of the attention I get is from being smart and just knowing everything (in a non-smart alack way) and I am tired of being the local answer source. the only ways I have been acknowledged in life is as being thin and being smart. Beyond that…I don’t know what i am.
I actually have Bipolar but I still have to read the book.
I do have some friends that are non-ED and so I am not completely surrounded by the ED thing. They sometimes accidentally make comments though about the whole weight loss thing and they typically don’t notice or say anything about if I eat at meals or not. My friends with EDs tend to give me ‘the look’ if they think I am engaging in behaviors…the look that says I see what you are doing and its not okay.
…
My life needs breaks sometimes. Can I get some installed? Or are things too far along for a quick set of breaks?
Off to band! Wea re reading Christmas music for our big shindig band thing that is epic every year and we always have at least 3 shows to over 6,000 people each time. It is exciting!!! k…bye.
Free,
Well, if you have read Wasted so many times, don’t you pretty much know what’s up with that? You could probably get the answers all correct, I’m guessing, especially since you probably know exactly where she’s coming from. As for the getting breaks installed, I am with you 100%. In fact, I made a big decision this afternoon. Next semester, I am not acting or doing set design for our private theatre troupe. I will still act for productions with the school’s mainstage, because that is what I really love (and most of the time what you hear me rambling on about theatre-wise) but as for the private thing, I’m just going to go to the meetings and be secretary (which I already am/do). FURTHERMORE, next year I am going to change things. Right now I am house manager of the house that I live in on campus, which is a place devoted to theatre kids. I have decided I’m probably calling that quits. I think that I will try to move off campus so that I don’t have that responsibility. No more weekly meetings, no more monthly check ins with residential life, no more responsibility for all of the aspects of running this house. It would give me a lot more time and honestly, here is what I have learned: We may be able to do it all – sometimes I sort of feel like I nearly am – but I think it’s OK not to want to. And I guess that’s where I am. I think it’s a lot about relaxing. ED’s are a way uptight sort of a thing, really controlled and strict (of course). Deciding to try recovery was a relaxation. Maybe I can relax even more, and maybe that’s not bad. I don’t know, but I think I might like it.
What music are you doing for your band? And what do you play? 6,000 people… that’s A LOT!
.C.
C…Those sound like good things to do for yourself.
I have friends that do what you do on my campus so I know how crazy that can be. cutting back on responsibilities might be a good thing.
I am glad that you are also cutting back on stage stuff and doing the stuff you really like. Relax and take stuff easy. There is always tomorrow to do more.
for band we are doing some fabulous christmas music…they are beautiful pieces. The only one that I think most people would be familiar with is “what child is this” melody. Its a lot of large classical style pieces for a symphonic band. This year I have a lot of solos…Its so nerve wrecking. At least during the Christmas thing I don’t have to be in front of the audience. The band and organ are up in a balcony while the hand bells and 3 choirs are in the front.
Today was a simply marvelous monday!
P.S…I am changing what books I am reading right now. I am open to suggestions. Most of my books I have around are either heavy psychology related books or even heavier theology books. Neither types of books are doing good things to my thoughts. So…any suggestions? I typically go through two or three books a day with my reading. So I would love some suggestions. No romance though…romance books are not my cup of tea.
Ok well my shelves are covered in easy to read chick – lit books, I have these because I found them to be easy to read without my thinking too much about them and they would help make me smile. I would try and imagine myself in the book too ha ha! Escapism is the way for me it seems. So if you would like to give them a try, who is who I have on my shelves:
Sophie Kinsella (shopaholic books are hilarious, film was rubbish)
Carole Matthews (I would recommend her to anyone!)
Meg Cabot ( she does a whole range of books from childrens to adults and because I had one, I got the rest from others for birthday’s and xmas so I now have all of her books and she has loadssss.
Kate Harrison
Tilly Bagshawe
Rowan Coleman (recently found this auther, really funny)
Hope this helps
Nats
xx
and C,
Sorry for taking words out your mouth lol dont mean to do that xxx
Hahaha didn’t mean it like that, Nats! It was a compliment/thank you for getting it right when I cannot, exactly! Free, I’m so glad to hear that yesterday was good, and that you’re looking for lighter books! Hmmmm what to recommend… I barely have time to read outside of class myself, so it’s hard for me to think of anything right now, but I’ll try to come up with some! On my end, some good news – the Illness of Death seems to be tapering off! Hurrah! I am still taking it easy, but hoping to be back at the world tomorrow. Being sick could have been a lot worse, though. My mom came to visit and brought flowers and homemade soup, and .J. came and brought me this giant thermos of tea he brings to anyone whenever they’re sick or have any sort of ailment. Also, .O. came over twice and read to me and just sat and talked to me. It’s really weird to me, sometimes, that he is so nice. Anyway I can’t wait to be better and not contagious anymore so that I can actually hug him again! That is probably the worst part of being sick.
Free, you didn’t tell me what you play!
.C.
C…I play the oboe. I always forget to tell people what I play because most people have never heard of an oboe and then I have to explain it and that is just awkward for me.
Keep gettting better. Why is it weird to you that he is so nice? You deserve to have people be nice to you.
I am glad you are getting better. Being sick sucks. I am healthy today for the second day in a row. Last night I didn’t feel well so I went to bed almost 5 hours earlier than I usually do which more than doubled my usual amount of sleep
Nats…Thanks for the suggestions. Those are the type of books my roommate reads and she really seems to enjoy them.
Anon,
Obvi you have no idea what this blog is for/about…ED, EDNOS are diseases, and in m,y opinion no one really ever fully recovers. All i can do is try my best every day and so, if my mind thinks ‘of god, i do not want to eat this’ then i am going to bring it to the group in an honest manner.
C i appreciate the post you wrote to Anon…you are 100% on target.
Well, i did go to the brunch. I had a little bit of most of the stuff that was offered….I am actually really proud..usually i would have had nothing, or totally binged…I knew i was seeing CK later that night, and i did not want to be in my ED zombie like state when i saw him!
I have not told him anything yet…we went to a pub last night and everyone was ordering food. I said i had already ate…He asked if i wanted some of his curry and all my friends were like “no way, she wont eat that!”…i think he kind of thought it was strange. I actually felt really stupid. Like, so all my friends obvi. think i am super picky and paranoid about eating certain things, its like common knowledge?!!! ugh. Not sure how it has gotten to this.
I happy to hear that O is actually a supportive, decent person!! I am inspired that CK will be as understanding
Free,
I know what you are saying. “feels like my eyes don’t work’. I have the same issue. I ALWAYS buy clothes 3 sizes to big for me. It is not because i like baggy clothes, i genuinely think i am larger then i am. It is sooo strange. I just came home from work yesterday and went shopping. When i tired the clothes on i was shocked at how stupid they looked!! I was swimming in them!! My issue is that i was always heavier then everyone else growing up, so now (even though i am med-small) i assume i am still the ‘big girl’.
I agree with C and Nats,
being noticed for what you contribute as a friend, daughter, sister, or lover are the things worth living for. Think about when you are old, looking back on your life. Are you going to be most proud that you could fit into those size 4 pants, or that you made a difference in those that you love? I wasted A LOT of time worrying about my weight, and how others perceive me. All that energy could be directed into SO MUCH more exciting, beautiful things.
xoxox
I am looking into going into a treatment program. I am trying to figure out if I am gonna do inpatient, outpatient, intensive outpatient, or if all else fails residential.
I might be taking a semester or two off of school as well.
Free,
That is such amazing news. I think that’s great. Keep me posted on what you’re looking into. I know MamaV has some treatment center reviews posted somewhere on here. I am so happy to hear this.
MelAmber,
It is hard not to feel embarrassed sometimes about an inability to eat something or a compulsion to eat too much of it. I can remember both happening. I remember once I was at my aunt’s house for a barbecue and she had these peanut butter desserts out, and I just could not stop eating them. Someone made a joke about me having a sweet tooth or something and though I’m sure they didn’t suspect the compulsive behavior behind it, it was shameful.
I’d write more to everyone now but I am going to class! Hooray! (sort of haha)
.C.
Mel Amber,
Perhaps I did not phrase it in the right way. You are incorrect. I do know exactly what it is like to go out and be terrified to eat in front of people. I know it very well. My point to you was that in the throws of my Anorexia at it’s worst, never wanting to eat in front of people cost me friendships and relationships. My entire life revolved around my eating disorder and it was for a long time, my only friend.
However, part of several treatment programs I was in over the years- both in and out patient, emphasized the importance of eating out and eating the things you were afraid of. In fact, some of my day passes in in-patient facilities organized activities that were geared towards this to integrate us to being more social with food. I know it’s scary, but it’s necessary if you really want to recover.
It came across to me that you were seeking out ways from people on here to come up with excuses not to do something that is a major step in facing recovery. People have suggested to me I should be less harsh and offer tips on recovery. Part of recovery is doing things that make you uncomfortable- facing your fears, eating out. Unfortunately, eating out is hard for people with any type of ED because it’s such a part of our society.
For those of you who think I don’t understand this, you are quite mistaken. I too am divided on the issue of whether or not one ever fully recovers from an eating disorder- whether or not the thoughts still exsist. Jennie Schaffer, author of Life without ED has a new book out called “Goodbye Ed, Hello me.” I read it, and would highly reccomend it to anyone on here. In this book she claims she no longer has an eating disorder and that it is fully possible to recover 100%. I think it’s different for everyone.
What I can say though in hearing Jenni speak many times is that whether or not you catogorize yourself as recovered or recovering- it is a commitment. It is not easy and people think I am making it cut and dry. I’m not. I’ve fallen many times and had to pull myself back up more times than you can imagine. But I got so sick of myself repeating this pattern, being dominated around what am I going to eat at this thing, that thing, lie…say I have to babysit my nephew, say I have the flu because I don’t want to go to church pot luck dinner.
So I made the decision that recovery requires 100% compliance and commitment, because I just didn’t want to go on the way that I was. I gained the weight, I ate what my nutritionist said, I called my therapist, my other friends with ED to talk to them when I didn’t want to eat whatever I was freaking supposed to and ate it anyway. I did not seek them out to ask them how to get out of it- I instead asked them to talk me through it. They did it, and I did it.
I am far from perfect… people slip, make mistakes and that’s ok. But, to beat this disease, you have to be very dedicated and push yourself to muster through the discomfort. I hope this clarifies was what I have been trying to say- I only mean the best of intentions.
But, in my own experience in treatment, I can’t tell you how unhelpful it was for me to sit around girls talking about calories all day, and what could they do to cheat here or there or how to get out of this thing, how to do this or that thing and get away with it, and your comment about looking for excuse tactics set me off. To engage in or seek out excuse tactics that just feed your ED defies the purpose of seeking help.
I am sorry if this all sounds too preachy to all of you, but it’s honestly how I feel. Free, I am so glad you are seeking treatment. That is the best thing you could ever do for yourself. I don’t know where you live, but I’ve been to several in my area, and MV did post two of the ones I reviewed that I have been to, but I haven’t seen that link on the website in awhile. Let me know if I can help. That’s all I’m trying to do here, but I’m not going to sugar coat what it takes to really get better. You may all still struggle with this for years- I have. But you have to fight the voice. It’s the only way. Hope this helps.
.C. I will respond to your earlier post later- I only have a few minutes before another client comes.
Free- kudos to you for looking into treatment programs. I wish you all the best. What places are you looking in to? Would you ever consider receiving treatment in Canada? Our health care is ‘free’, so the cost of inpatient treatment is much less than in the states.
Oh- my client is here.
Have a good day ladies!
I came to the conclusion that I need to change something last night at supper with a close friend of mine that is recovering from an ED. She recommended a few places and is going to help me make a list of reasons I want/need to go into treatment and help connect me with people that can help. Also she is helping me come up with a way to bring it up in a rather straight forward manner with my therapist. She and/or another friend have both offered to come with me (drive me or whatever) to my sessions because driving freaks me out. I don’t even know where to begin looking because my state has NOTHING. I don’t even know if my insurance company would pay for me to go somewhere and my parents aren’t supportive of me seeking any sort of help. I am not even sure where to begin to figure out what level of treatment I should go with…
I am going to talk about getting more intensive treatment with my therapist on Friday.
Part of me says that that since I am not technically underweight I shouldn’t look into the more intensive treatment programs and maybe just go for the bare minimum. But this semester I have started dropping weight faster than ever before so who knows. I just know that I won’t be entering treatment until at least the end of the semester unless things get really crazy (which they might already be).
MelAmber…It is crazy how much food is involved at social events. Thanks for your thoughts and stuff on it.
I think she wasn’t really asking for tips…she was expressing her anxiety and was asking for what to do about that…but I might be reading into it. You also should notice that no one gave her tips here. I think that is a big difference about this chat place is that we don’t hand out tips even when people ask for them. I don’t think that people are really asking for tips when they ask for tips even though that is what they are doing. It is kinda like an ED doesn’t really have that much to do with food even though you would think it does or should.
Kyleanne…at this point I would consider just about anything. I have come to realize that unless I change something in my environment nothing is going to change. I have too many things that help me hide and get worse in this whole situation. I just don’t really know where to start looking and how to tell if a treatment program is good or not. My insurance company is also based out of the midwest so there is not a whole lot they will cover.
Free, I would suggest you call them or have your therapist call them and ask them what your mental health benefits are for in and out patient treatment. Also, ask them if they cover treatment SPECIFICALLY for eating disorders. It’s totally eggrigious, but many states do not at all. Some states who do cover eating disorders under mental health benefits only cover it under the “non serious” “non life threatening” category which to me is ludicrous. I live in NYS but my ins is based out of chicago. They covered ed, but only under non seriosus until the governer passed a law forcing them to cover it under serious.
Also, before you assume that there isn’t anything in your area- there are a ton, and i mean a TON of websites like anad.org and somethingfishy.org that are all dedicated to eating disorders that provide therapists, programs, both in and out, nutritionists, support groups by state. They also take phone calls to answer your questions.
I am so proud of you for realizing you need help. It can be overwhelming to go through this alone. Ask your therapist or a trusted friend to help assist you in exploring your options in case you get too overwhelmed. You would be surprised if you really look for it how much is out there and how these people at the places I am speaking of will help you and point you in the right direction and advise.
As for me interpreting Mel Amber’s comment seeking tips, perhaps I interpreted it wrong. Emails can easily get misnterpreted. But to say that I know nothing about what it’s like to have an ED or the social anxiety associated with eating out is completely inaccurate. I don’t how old all of you are but it seems quite younger than me because you all mention school. I’ve had an eating disorder since probably the age u guys have learned to walk and talk. This is not bragging- this is saying, I know how HARD it is. I was hospitalized 4X before I said ENOUGH. I don’t want to go on like this anymore.
As I said earliar coping with anxious feelings about food in social situations while does indeed suck, you have to learn to get through it and face it if you really want to get better and not make excuses.
Anonymous….I am in college. At the rate I am going and the schooling I am seeking I am going to be going to school until I am 30. that isn’t counting if I take any time off…and since I am considering taking off school to work on the eating thing it might be even longer.
I am working on figuring out what my insurance will cover. I plan on asking my therapist for help with that because she knows my insurance pretty well. I would call them but I get upset so easily and I get so flustered talking on the phone and I have no patience for being on hold and figuring stuff out…so I am hoping that I can have other people handle that because I would probably just end up crying on the phone which would be counterproductive.
I have looked around my area at those sites and other places and there really is nothing. Everyone I know that has gone to get help from my state has had to go to another state. There is one program but it is at the most an outpatient program and I would have no where to live near the location.
Its good to hear that you understand and I am sorry if you felt like someone was saying that you didn’t know about the eating in front of people.
I am working on the whole eating with people because college is a whole different place when you don’t eat with people.
Free- I am so proud of you for reaching out (I know I will start to sound like a broken record, but I am proud of you).
As I work in an ED treatment center, I may be able to provide some information, if you have specific questions of what you are looking for. I also have a list of what insurance companies cover or don’t cover, in regards to ED treatment.
If you want to get a hold of me, you can reach me by e-mail at milette_kd@live.ca, and I would be more than happy to help, if you need anything.
Free, I am proud of you too. I am not familiar with the midwest- but I did finish a book that Mama V reviewd by Nicole Johns who did in patient at a treatment center in the mid-west. She has her own website, and you can contact her. The book I think was called Purge. I loved it.
I know how insurance bullshit is- that’s why I said ask your therapist for help. I’ve been through it, I know how evil they are. Just awful. But if I can give you some advice from my own wretched experience (and I have decent coverage but they still try and find exceptions to things to avoid paying) is not to give up, frustrating as it is. And trust me sister- IT IS FRUSTRATING. I’ve cried, I’ve screamed, I’ve yelled and just about gone bat shit crazy raising bloody hell. My family went through hell when I was covered under their policy as a teenager, and then when I relapsed in my early thirties and had to deal with the same nightmare they did having my own coverage having a full time job post college, I had to deal with it. But they helped with what they could, made phone calls for me, gave me what money they could, because they didn’t want to see me after all I had over come ending up back in such an evil place.
It really made me appreciate all they did for me back then. But I am 35, not in school anymore, have my own apt, work full time and found myself in the position of having to deal with what they did with me 20 years ago- as I am not under their policy anymore. It’s unfortunate you don’t have that support from your family, but I do know that ANAD actually has legal staff you can consult to assit- I spoke to one of them, though I can’t recall her name. She was very helpful, and by following her advice, that’s how I got my insurance to comply with state mandiated law. I believe they are based in the midwest, in fact. They would be a great resource for you.
I can’t tell you how many cases I have read about where insurance companies refuse to pay if you starve yourself to death- or binge purge, or eat yourself to death- whatever the ailement may be, and the families have won class action lawsuits making these cheap rat bastards anty up when parents have had to take out 2nd mortages on their homes because they have had to pay for their child’s treatment on their own. It’s awful. Makes no sense to me that you can drink yourself to death and they will gladly pay 30 days in rehab but if you can’t eat properly- too bad. That’s not our problem. Everyone eats.
Insurance companies exhaust and frustrate you until u are ready to tear your hair out because they think you will back down and walk away and then they won’t have to pay. I didn’t back down, and I won. Long story but I can explain it to you one day how I did it- it involved complaining to the state board of insurance if u are ever interested.
As for school- those opportunities will always be there. Sorry if I am pissing a lot of girls off, but I speak the truth from my own experience. If you don’t get help, your life may not.
Free,
I am proud of you! I know and understand how hard this must be for you but you are making the right choice and you will soon see that there is another way of living xxxx Love you!
How is everyone today?
Nats
Hi everyone,
First off another congrats to Free for making such an amazing, awesome choice! I’ll be here all the way for you.
Second of all, I want to say a few things to Anonymous:
1. No one was questioning your credibility. We were merely reemphasizing our own.
2. Your tone could use a lot of improvement. Each time I read your posts I am very put off by your pushy and demeaning mannerisms. I try to see past it to what you are actually saying, because I think you have some good things to say and could be really helpful on here, but it is very difficult. Instead of saying, Sorry if I am pissing a lot of girls off,” why not just try to be a tad less abrasive? It would be a different story if there were a real reason for your hostility, but you have brought it to this forum from the beginning and out of nowhere.
I appreciate your comments for their general content, and appreciate that you have a stake in these types of situations, but please try to be a bit less antagonistic. You will find through this you have no need to apologize.
.C.
Kyleanne…don’t worry about sounding like a broken record. Sometimes I need broken records in my life. I have a friend that has been telling me to get help for almost three YEARS now and her being a broken record has finally gotten through. I might have specific questions eventually. right now I am just kinda spinning around…so I am not going to do anything for a couple days until I figure out what direction I want to head.
anon…There may be some great treatment places in the midwest but none close to me…I live in a very very low population area. I also don’t know yet if I want to go to a residential treatment facility. Actually some opportunities through school won’t be hear another time. Some of my classes are only offered once every three years. My friends that I take them with will only be hear now. My opportunities to travel are helped by the fact that I am still under 21 so there are special travel deals I can take advantage of. Physically I can get by on less sleep than I will be needing when I am older…Scholarships and schools are set up for you to just keep going and not stop. I am also a leader in several groups and there is not anyone that would be ready to replace me. I would feel bad abandoning the people that rely on me for stuff right now. But a couple of my close friends told me that they straight up doubt if I will be here in a year unless something changes. Besides…things would be hard with my insurance company and I don’t know if I am up to fighting them…in some ways I am just too tired to fight anything.
…
Now…I am beginging to question my idea to get treatment. I don’t know if I am serious enough to go somewhere but there are not any outpatient things within 3-5 hours of where I live. Where I would be living if I took a semester off doesn’t have anything within 5-7 hours. The sad thing is that I am not even stretching the truth with these facts. I might be underestimating. I don’t have anywhere to live other than school…going home would just make everything worse because my family tells me that by thinking about this stuff and addressing it I am just allowing myself to get caught up even more in it and that is why I keep getting worse.
Everyone I know that has gone to residential treatment has been pretty extreme. I almost got sent when I was 16 or 17 but the doctors decided I wasn’t extreme enough and the insurance company said I wasn’t sick enough. so I am just wondering…am I to the point where I really need that level of help? Because if I am not than I might as well continue with school because there aren’t really options. Its either once a week therapy or residential because of the living situation.
Free,
Keep talking to your therapist and get her advice. Hopefully Kyleanne will have some ideas too. I think it’s important than you do get treatment, and I think you were making the right choice there. Didn’t anonymous make mention of some websites that might help too? I don’t know…
Right now I just feel like shit. I had written down this conflict from rehearsal – a movie showing at the art theatre in town that .O. had asked me to see about 3 months ago. If they would change my schedule by just FIFTEEN MINUTES tonight I could go with him but they won’t. I have to tell him I can’t, and what’s worse, I already told him it was a nearly sure thing that I could go because I talked to my PSM who said she thought it would be fine. When she talked to the director he said I’d missed too much from being sick.
How come I don’t seem to cry when I cut myself, but I cry over some stupid movie?
.C. , I’m sorry to hear that you won’t be able to make it to the movie . . . Crying over something like this is completely normal, and expected. Going to this movie with .O. was something that mattered to you, something that was important to you, something YOU wanted to do. It’s okay to feel sad about it, don’t beat yourself up, it’s okay to grieve.
Free, most girls that I work with doubt their decision to seek treatment when it seems that the world is against them. Would you sooner take a month off and do a direct inpatient program now, at your decision, or be required to take up to six months or more off because you have reached the “severe” point? That’s a tough question to ask, and a tough question to answer. Keep looking, even if you feel discouraged. I’m rooting for you!
Here’s a website for you to check out as well- http://www.westwind.mb.ca – I’ve had experience with this particular clinic through a client of mine, and “severity” of the disorder is not something they take into account. They accept only medically stable clients (able to take care of yourself), and have a very well-run, well-staffed program. They are considered residential, but some of the girls who have been there have been able to get insurance coverage for their treatment.
Keep your chin up, don’t let ED use the difficulty of finding treatment to keep you stuck in disordered patterns. We’re all pulling for you- one foot in front of the other… =)
.C-
since you are so put off by my hostility, seeking a real reason for it, I will not be visiting this website anymore. EVER. I have a tremendous amount of resources and experience with this disease and am much older than you. All I have done is try to help.
What you perceive as my alleged hostility is only the reality of what will happen if people continue on in their ED’s and don’t seek help- and unfortunately, this is something a lot of people with Eds just don’t want to hear. That’s not hostile. That’s a fact.
I know eating disorders are very very difficult things to overcome, but I don’t believe in sugar coating or coddling the dangers of them. I have my opinions and disagreements about what is and is not effective in getting that message across, but I can tell you this…I never got better from hand holding. I got better with a combination of firm intervention and structure accompanied by compassion. I am no shrink and don’t claim to be one. But after years in therapy, years in hospitals, and now recovered, I do know what I am talking about on some level.
If people don’t appreciate that, well then I don’t have to help them out with tons of tips and things I know they can do- including a free in patient clinic here in NYC for EDS that in participation for research is FREE OF CHARGE at one of the top notch hosptials in the united States if you qualify. I know several Dr.’s there. But since no one is interesteed in what I have to say… oh well
Anonymous,
You completely misread what I had to say. Your last sentence conveys that, since I reiterated in my post that I personally thought you had some good points. I was merely trying to make a point about the way you said them. That is not mollycoddling, that is simple courtesy to others. I am sorry that you feel you do not wish to come here anymore, but If that is your decision, its yours to make whether I agree with the reason or not. I’m sorry if you were offended by my post, but not for what it said.
.C.
.C.
Hence why I hate email posts and hence why I bother at all- because things conveyed can be mis-interpreted via the internet.
I am pro recovery- pro not restricting, pro not self muitilating- pro not binging and purging. I know fighting these demons are not as easy as what people may interpret I come off as thinking to be.
My main point is that recovery is a decision, a choice. Free- School will always be there. You don’t have to lock yourself into one university to get a degree, nor do you have to be grossly underweight to have an ED or EDNOS. I think people use these issues as excuses to not pursue avenues of treatment- well I am not bone thin. I am fine. Not true. Just read Nicole John’s book, Purge.
I guess my frustration with this site is that I find a lot of people making comments on here while with good intentions of seeking support, should lie in their therapists office- for example… C, your post on cutting yourself. Do you not have a support system to to help you through those moements? When I have to eat out at someplace for a work or social event and it’s gonna freak me the hell out… I email my nutritionist the menu, and say… help me… tell me what to order. She does. You’ve all said I don’t talk about recovery tips- well- going to the experts is stpe # uno.
I recognize with insurance issues, etc, not everyone is fortunate enough to have decent treatment, but this is an area I know extremely well and am highly knowledgable about and have the resources and contacts to provide support- I know sliding scale clincis for ED, even in other states, I know loopholes in how to battle insurance, because I have lived through all of these issues and won. The reason why is because I chose to fight, I chose life.
I get very frustrated sometimes seeing posts on here. while I know Ed is an every day fight, sometimes I read, Yeah, I know what I do is bad- I know it’s screwed up, but I just don’t want to get better enough- I can’t deal with anything.
Well, .C., I am here to tell you that as a result of my Anorexia and battling it on and off for 23 years- the damage I did to my body from all the diet soda, the restricting, the purging, resulted in an onset of a Seizure disorder. Two years ago- I collapsed of a grand mal seizure on a Manahttan sidewalk. Lost all four of my front teethe, broke my nose, and lacarted my jaw. I could have easily died. This was my wake up call. This is what can happen to you. I aint gonna lie.
I spent two years in reconstrucitve surgery with dental surgery, facial surgery, etc. This was my wake up call. If anyone on here doesn’t think this can happen to them, they are in denial. I would be a horrible advocate if I came out here and said- sure, cut yourself, throw up, skip meals. Why is my message so hard for you all to get?
wo wo wo guys will you just chill out?!
Anon, noone is telling you to leave the site, nor are they saying you should not post, nor are they saying that what you have to say is irrelevant or counterproductive etc, what was asked was that you write your posts in a less abrasive mannor, so why cant we just leave this now and everyone try to watch how they are writing their posts?? That way noone has to leave.
Anon: Your message is loud and clear, and everyone is getting it! you are just simply not reading what people are writing to you, I am sorry that you have had to go through what you have and I am sorry that because of what you have been through you are now going through even more problems. I understand that you want to share your story and you want to help others and provide a source of comfort to us but please do not believe that because you are older that you have experience more and understand more. Everyone here has knowledge regarding what they are going through, we have to live it every day, you are presuming that because we may be taking your comments wrong that we do not understand you and we are ignoring what you are trying to do. This is not true!
People on this board may not be ready for recovery yet, people might have tried it already and they have had problems with it, they may have already done the “lie on their therapists office” and its not happened for whatever reason, so please do not presume that because we do not seem to talk about that fact does not mean it has not happened.
Anyway, the problem was not what people were saying, its how it was said so how about we ALL make a concious effort to try and make sure our posts do not appear hostile etc.
Nats
Nats,
Great post, thank you very much. I was hesitant to respond again but you said everything I wanted to, so thank you! I agree and I think we should all try to do that. I will too.
.C.
.C.
Same goes with you hun, dont feel like you shouldn’t post. Post whenever you want same as everyone else can xx
Nats,
I was not implying that my age bears any revelance to those suffering from ED. I know how it goes- 8-18- 28-or 88.
What I was trying to say was that I have a lot of experience with ways to beat the system- especially when it comes to health care with EDS’s, and I can be a great resource.
But I am doing super well now despite still paying off a lot of medical bills, so you need not worry about me.
But in good conscience, with all the medical problems I have suffered from as a result of my eating disorder, I will not and can not come on here and say that continuing to engage in this behavior is acceptable or appropriate. I had to learn the hard way…it was time to change. One does not necessarily need an expert in ED to recover… In my own experience, what one needs is the will and self discovery that this is no way to live. How one finds that- I don’t know. For me, four dental implants from a seizure and the light bulb clicked. It’s different for everyone. I don’t pretend it’s easy, I don’t pretend that there are days when I just want to go back to my old safe ways with ED- the devil I know.
I don’t want to see anyone on here go through what I went through with rejecting treatment, lying to shrinks, pretending everything is fine when it really wasn’t. These people are here to help all of you, dedicate their lives to healing, and often get no merrit. They deserve honesty and respect. If all of you think my comments are abrassive, then I don’t need to be here. But if you aren’t going to be honest about what’s going on with you with a professional you employ and only tell the truth here, why Pay them?
I am not saying this is not a place to come to for support and reach out, I am saying- I think all of you in therapy need to be honest there too if you are hurting or struggling. If this doesn’t make sense, then I don’t know what else to say. I’ve done my best. People don’t have to listen me. People can be offended by me. I get offended by people, too. But that’s life. But I’d rather be honest about how I see this disease than lie.
anon,
Again, I am not saying you cant be honest about what it is you want to say, I was simply saying that the way you write things could be done in a nicer way.
noone is asking you to come on here and say that things are acceptable, I dont think people on here have in fact asked you that! People on here are free to write what they want about whatever they want even if we dont like it, if you dont like something I write about for example, you dont have to agree with it, its just there. If I dont agree with something you write I will tell you that I dont! Again its how your writing your not posts not exactly what you are saying, so to use your words exactly “why is my message so hard for you to get?”
Nats
you don’t have to agree with my writing style or how I discuss the dangers of eating disorders and how important recovery is for both physical and mental health, but you all know what I am saying is the truth like it or not. As I said before, I didn’t get better with shrinks yes dearing me it’s ok to death. Am not trying to be one even though everyone thinks I am- I am just saying recovery is tough, and to recover, sometimes you have to be tough, and I get frustrated with people who have defeatist attitudes and say that they can’t. But like you say they are free to write how they feel, as am I.
As for me being harsh- I think Mama V can be just as harsh as I can but in a different way. I mean she says all the time some things I don’t agree with and I tell her. She has her style, I have mine. I shouldn’t have to be told how to write the way that I see this illness. My writing style harsh- well guess what- Ed’s are hasrh. I shared what mine did to me and how important and possible I think it is to beat it if you are truly COMITTED to it- for both your physical and mental health and happiness. People may get angry at me for saying the same thing over and over again, but I think it’s important to keep reiterating the fact that it is possible to get better. Anyways, Happy Halloween all!
Clearly im going round in circles here as what I am saying isnt getting through. Recovery is harsh, its hard, it seems impossible, I know this, I have lived it and I am trying to live it every day. I am not asking anyone to sugarcoat anything or even to tell me everything is going to be ok. I am not saying that anyone is like a therapist, I am not even saying that people cant be tough, but I AM SAYING that when people talk on here and its not always one person doing this I am guilty of it too, they come across as talking AT people not to them. Like all they see is their illness. AND THAT IS what I come here to get away from. Yes people have a defeatist attitude, of course they do! Its life! People will have good days and bad and sometimes they will feel down and defeated and sometimes they will come here and tell us all that. That is their perogative, they should not have to be told by ANYONE what they should and shouldnt be doing. They know this already and so do I. JUST PLEASE HEAR ME WHEN I SAY ITS NOT WHAT YOU ARE WRITING IT IS HOW YOU ARE WRITING IT. This is all that people are asking you to take into consideration, not always what you are writing.
Also, your bringing mamav into this, fine ill bite, yes mamav has her own style of writing, yes sometimes she can be harsh but as you said she does it in a different way. People who have been following mamav for sometime now understand how she is and what she means when she posts, you are new, (at least I think you are, I dont know because you are not sharing your name) and we have to get used to you and how you portray yourself. This may take some time, I am just asking that if you continue to post here which I do hope you do, is that you watch how you are saying things because it seems you are talking at people not to them.
Anyways……
Happy halloween all I will be spending it alone at home enjoying a nice hot bath and rubbish TV!!
I know, I just get frustrated- but I think people know what I mean though even if I come across harsh. If you set your mind to something, build the right support system and seek out whatever resources you can afford- you can get better. There are ven free 12 step groups for ED. Sometimes I see people throw out road blocks, and it’s frustrating. Probably because I too at one point was guilty of it. Made excuses for not getting more advanced help because I was using them as excuses to stay sick. When I got really bad after my collapse, I had the opportunity to go into an in patien ED unit that was free because it was covered by the NYS department of mental health through a grant at a major NYC hospital. I said no… I am not doing that again, I am too old. My cats, my job… the dr. said to me at the rate you’re going you may not have one and your only job should be to reover. Now that was harsh. I cried… She’s so MEANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. Actually- the reality was she was right, and I just didn’t want to hear it. I somehow miracoulsy just made the decision to do it on my own, go to nutritional counseling and up my sessions without going back in. I know it’s super super hard, but it can be done, and I hope everyone on here can eventually do it too. That’s all I’m saying. It’s funny, I finished Jenni Shaffers book this am and in the last chapter, she said Recovery is not possible, how she used to believe that. Then she made the comparrison- we landed on the moon, didn’t we? I thought that was a very motivating comparrison I thought I’d share.
Hey all!!
i haven’t written in a while, but i did read the above conversations…interesting.
I wanted to share that i did disclose to CK about my ED at dinner last night. I did not go into a lot of details, but simply said that, yes, it was severe at some point, yes i was hospitalized, and yes i still struggle at times…He was very supportive and kind. Hr didn’t ask any questions, just listened and held my hand. Later on in the evening he told me that his older sister also struggled at some point, and was actually hospitalized for months!! It gave me comfort in knowing that he understood, but also sad that soooo many women have/are struggling with these issues.
So, going to a Halloween party tonight..I am a lil self conscious of what i am wearing, as it is super tight and a little revealing. Since i have gained all of the weight back that i had previously lost, event like this always give me paranoid thoughts that people are whispering about how fat i have become…but, alas, i will squeeze my self into this dress and try with all my recovery will power to stand strong and confident!!
xo
MelAmber,
I am enroute to a party where I am fearing the same thing. Yep. in costume, yep eating out. Yep, having gained necceary wieght. Yep hearing the you look great comments, sucks. But I’d rather be healthy than miserable.
But Mel- last thing I have to say about coming clean with CK– Good for you!
It looks like I am at a point where I need more help than I thought. I am heading to residential treatment in January if I can get my mom and insurance company on board. My dad is actually supportive of me going to treatment.
I talked with the admissions counselor today and the place I talked to said they have a bed open and are sending me information and stuff to fill out.
I was told I probably should come right away because of how I am doing but I am going to wait until the semester is over.
My mom wants me to at least wait until summer…but I don’t know if i can. Of course she also is trying to convince me I am fine and don’t have an eating disorder.
Monday I find out what my insurance company will cover.
MelAmber….Awesome for being honest. I hope that continues to be a good relationship.
Anonymous…it is good to hear your perspective. My mom has taken to telling me that recovering from an eating disorder is impossible.
Free- i’d reccomend reading Goodbe Ed Hello me- by Jenni Schaffer. It’s an excellent book about recovery from her eating disorder. She coniders herself fully recovered rather than recovering. I think it’s different for everyone so I really don’t like to put a lable on it which may surprise some people here because how I can come across. But the way I see my eating disorder is not unlike alcoholism. I am sure there are times when people have shitty days and they still want to drink, but they don’t. There are days when I feel shitty and want to 86 eating my lunch. But I know where that will get me. I’ve stared in the movie. All I can say and am trying to say to people on here is when you feel like acting out- cutting, binging, purging, restricting- whatever your gig is… Try and resisit the urge. Easiar said then done. I call a friend, or write in my journal 0r email my therapist and they talk me out of it.
Free,
Hun its great that you are ready to take the next step in your recovery. If you think you want to go in January then go in January, noone else knows exactly how your feeling and if you feel you need to do this sooner or later then tell your mum that, hopefully she will understand. I am so happy to hear that your father is supportive of you getting treatment and I hope and pray that everything gets sorted so you are able to start your life over again. xxxx
Anon,
Thank you for the support! It is nice to know that someone else who is in recovery is dealing with shame associated with gaining the necessary weight.
I try very hard to remember this at times when i feel my ‘fattest’. I try to remember that although i used to be 3 sizes smaller, i was living in a ‘haze’ and having daily anxiety attacks.
You are right, being heavier and healthier is better then being skinny and miserable.
I suffer with this EVERY single moment of my day.
I am a work right now thinking about how much a ate last night at CK’s FAMILY DINNER…big deal! I had the fish with tarter sauce, i even had a bite of pie! So, i am proud of myself, but also full of anxiety about how fat i must look today.
UGH!!
I hope your Halloween night went well??
Free:
You need to go to this treatment facility ASAP! I had to take time out of university as well to deal with my past issues, and i have since returned and completed a Masters degree. School is important, but your health is a PRIORITY.
XO
Thanks everyone for the encouragement. My mom is on board now with me getting help but she doesn’t think that I am serious enough to require residential (I don’t either) but the reason I think residential is going to have to happen if anything happens is the fact that there is nothing to treat eating disorders in my state (translation: nothing that I can commute to). But she would go with residential if that is what my shrink recommends.
I am waiting on insurance stuff right now. I hope I hear from them soon because I am really nervous about this whole thing and I wish everything could just be settled already…I see my shrink next week and I figure I should tell her about stuff. Hopefully that goes well. I am wondering if I were to just tell her that I think I need evaluated for an eating disorder if that would work to start the conversation.
Free,
I think you could even just tell her straight out that you have one. She probably suspects. If you think you need to go a bit roundabout though that’s understandable. It’s tough! Don’t worry though, you will get there. I think you are making the right choice for you. Today I was sitting in class eating my lunch (macaroni and cheese) and I thought to myself how good it was to enjoy food that way without so much of a value judgement. Not good or evil, just food. I can’t say I’m all the way there but I’m closer than I was and I feel so much better.
MelAmber,
I totally have hated gaining weight. It was hell. It was absolutely horrible. But this last time, I chose it for myself. What I do is, I think before I weigh myself. If I think it’s going to affect me whether the number is higher or lower, I try not to do it at all. I also try to accept the range and accept that I am just this size, that that’s just what I am. I think it does get easier to stop seeing yourself in the funhouse mirror after a while. You will start to ease into your body, your real body the way it is supposed to be when it is fully nourished and can enjoy food. I bet you are beautiful and CK must see that. You will be beautiful no matter how much weight you gain. It truly does not matter as long as you are eating right.
And now for my GREAT NEWS! Huge accomplishment today – I asked .O. to get dinner! And I did it! It was sort of terrible (definitely not what I’d call fun) but it was also sort of ok, after a while. At first I was really scared because he wanted to go to one dining hall over the one I’d planned to, where I had planned out what I would get, but I sort of got it together and went with him. I only managed to eat some soup and crackers, and I didn’t finish it, but I ate it in front of him. And it was ok, I guess. He didn’t seem really disgusted by it. I feel so stupidly proud of myself. This is – was? – one of the last big hold ons of my ED, my inability to eat in front of him. I didn’t really eat enough to be a full meal, but I ate real food. It’s a start, and I’m so happy with myself.
.C.
.C. hun.
I am soooo proud you! Well done on over coming your fears and asked .O. to dinner! And dont try and make this something you shouldnt be proud of babes you should be really REALLY proud of yourself!!! Now you have done it for the first time, it might be easier to do it again in the future! And each time you do it you might feel more comfortable to make the portion a little bit larger. But the fact is you ate in front of him so good for you girl and keep smiling xxxx
Hi All,
Thank you for the support!! I am having maybe one of the hardest days in months. I woke up feeling so bloated…i have a long commute to work and i really just want to turn around and go home and curl into a ball.
I know that ‘feeling fat’ is not a feeling. I understand that it means feeling ‘lonely’, ’sad’ etc…BUT…I can not shake the feeling that everyone is looking at me, thinking ‘look at that obese girl’…It makes me sooo depressed. I know ratiionally that i am not over weight. BUT going from a size 0 to an 8 (sorry to name sizes) is so horrific.
I am thinking of leaving work. I am thinking of doing a lot of not so good things.
Please, if anyone reads this…i am crying for help
Mel, I know it sucks. But don’t restrict. It’s a ticket to a really bad movie. Just fight the urge as best you can. When I feel like doing bad Ed stuff I call my friends who know how to talk me through it or email my shrink. I know once I start on that path, I won’t stop. It’s like an alcoholic picking up a drink. They can’t just stop at 1- just like people like you and I can’t stop at losing weight.
Free, I am very proud of you for getting help. I don’t know what’s going on exactly, and maybe I haven’t read throuroughly enough all of your posts dating back to when I started here, but I am a little puzzled as to why you have not told your therapist you have an eating disorder? Isn’t that why you are in therapy to begin with? I’m not trying to judge or criticize, but I just don’t understand. It’s a little vague to me.
Isn’t it your therapist who needs to put through the referral for you to go to treatment? Didn’t we talk about her helping you with finding out your coverage? How is she supposed to do that if she has no idea what you are seeking residential treatment for? I am sorry, but I just don’t understand and it’s not making sense to me.
I commend you for getting help but I know how this insurance stuff goes- if you aren’t being honest with her about what’s really going on, she can’t diagnose you properly and diagnosis codes- fucked up as they are… are what insurance companies use to determine whether or not and how much they will cover treatment.
I am not trying to be harsh here so please do not take it the wrong way, and maybe I am not just understanding this whole thing… but, if you can’t be honest with your therapist now, how are you going to be able to be honest in more aadvanced treatment?
I have been honest with my therapist and she is helping figure some stuff out and attempting to help me find an even keel while stuff is getting figured out. Also my insurance company wouldn’t accept a diagnosis from her, she can make recommendations that I get testing done and that is about it. I actually started therapy for the depression stuff because in the winter my depression tends to get more out of control than any other time of the year. My shrink right now I just see for medication stuff for depression…she doesn’t do therapy and stuff. So I see her for about 15 min. every three to six months. I’ve been getting treatment for bipolar for about four years now so yeah. My therapist can’t do a referral for treatment, she can just do a referral to get an evaluation done. My shrink doesn’t always do evaluations. She would refer me to the psychologist that she works with down the hall and he would do the evaluation and than my shrink and the psychologist would get together and interpret the results and a referral would be made from there.
So right now I am just waiting for the financial stuff to get figured out.
I don’t think you are being harsh because that is a very valid statement. I am being honest with my therapist now and that helps but I only see her two or three times a month and for some reason that isn’t helping as much as I probably need and my weight loss is accelerating as the semester goes on. I don’t have time to see her more often or anyone more often for that matter because of me having to attend classes and do things for school.
MelAmber,
It’s going to be ok. I have heard the whole ‘fat is not a feeling’ thing too, and I think you and I can both attest that sometimes it sure as hell DOES seem like a feeling! It is ok that you are feeling that way today. Here’s what I suggest you do: tell yourself that you do not appear fat. Tell yourself that this is in your head, because it is. Remind yourself that you are attractive. Remind yourself of everyone, including CK, who thinks you are attractive. Next, tell yourself that your weight or appearance is not the even close to the most important aspect of your person. Consider this: none of us has ever even seen you, and we all care about you! That caring has nothing to do with how you look. Lastly, try to carry on today normally, even if you are just going through the motions. Make yourself eat healthy foods and the right amounts. Try to avoid bingeing and purging. It’s true that we want our healthy impulses to come naturally, but if they can’t today, that’s totally fine. Just get through today and, ten to one, tomorrow you are going to feel better. These things hit hard but they are temporary, and they last much shorter amounts of time if you DO NOT GIVE IN to the actions (i.e.; restriction, bingeing, purging) that generally can accompany the thoughts.
You can do this. I believe in you.
I will try to get on here later to check back.
Love from,
.C.
Anonymous,
Seems like you’re really making an effort to come across differently. I want to say that I totally appreciate it. We’re all on the same team here, and I think that’s really starting to come through in a lot of ways.
All the best,
.C.
Free,
Good you are being honest now. Sorry, I just didn’t quite understand the whole thing and how they could be involved in helping you get the proper help you need if they didn’t understand what was going on. Thanks for clarifying. I hope all this hoopla gets sorted out soon. I know what it’s like- it is incredibly frusrating and can really try one’s patience.
Mel- I agree with C. Feeling fat sure does feel like a feeling and while maybe what they say about it not being so is true, I generally find those kind of over used cathartic mantras not helpful.
I do the same things C suggested- think about my boyfriend who loves me and thinks I am pretty and my family who tells me all those things too, and my friends at church. I know I have a horrid 4 letter word vocabulary, but if I look at myself in the mirror and start to get down on myself, I have a sign on it (Literally) taped above it that says FUCK OFF ED- YOU LIE and it reminds me to walk away.
And other times, if I feel really bad and having a shitty attitude and not really caring about whether I fuck up, I take a deep breathe and remind myself about my little nephew, my family, my friends and my bf who really care about me and don’t want to see me hurt myself or live life without me- because unfortunately, acting out on Ed can cost you your life. And yes, I know all of you know this and don’t want to hear it, but I will not apologize anymore for telling it like it is. When I think about it like that, sometimes it helps me get through really tough days, and then it passes and the chip for wanting to do this for myself comes back. It’s really hard, but you can do it!
.C.- oh, I just saw your post now about me coming x differently. Thanks, I am trying to. I don’t mean to be tough on people, but honestly, the only approach that EVER worked for me was my shrinks kicking my ass in therapy and sometimes that attitude just comes out when I talk to people about or with ED because it’s so ingrained in me. Good for you for eating with O. Eating in front of people when you have an ED is such a bitchhhhhhhhhhhhhh- but it’s part of life and while scary, it’s something you have to retrain yourself to do. That and the gaining the weight were probably the worst parts of recovery for me- (at least the physical parts of the process)
Hey guys, not been around for ages, so so sorry. I have been working two jobs but i have just booked to travel the world for 6 months, leaving in January.
So excited and it is giving me a purpose to aim for. I have wante to do this my whole life and now i can. its going to be amazing. i will make sure of it.
I have been on quite an even keel food wise i think. Although have had a few major incidents so who knows? also had my first anxiety ‘episode’, dont think i can call it an attack as the feelings lasted for a few hours.
C, Nats, hope you are ok.
Michelle so good to hear from you, miss your advice but im glad you are doing good.
Lottie xXx
Hi All,
So, been a rough day. I can not tell you how much your words (Nats, Anon, C) have just made my day. I left work early and headed for gym. I did eat healthy food tho..Anon, you are soooo right. It is like an alcoholic, once it enters my mind the restricting, binging or exercising takes over. Been careful not freak out. Nats and C, i seriously shed a tear reading your posts to me. The fact that people out there actually care about me based on things other then personal appearance always BLOWS my mind.
I am TRYING to remember that i look the same as i did 2 days ago. I am TRYING not isolate too much right now. CK has been calling, i am avoiding BIG time, not sure what to say…’having a bad day, think i am fat, can not see you’?? SOUNDS SO STUPID. Esp. when others feel that you are of ‘normal weight’.
I did use the day to tidy up, went to the Dr.’s for an STI test, as my ex slept with the free world, so i am a lil worried…
I really appreciate the concern. The ‘numb’ feeling is getting a little less intense. I think i just need some sleep.
loves,
Mel- GOOD FOR YOU! I am proud of you. Get some rest… don’t feel stupid. Good for you for getting tested, because it’s important, even though very scary to sit with the anxiety. The ex sounds like a real rat bastard. If he cheated on you, I am sorry. That’s shitty. I don’t know if any of my exes cheated on me- and I am not sure I want to… our breakups were more due to incompatability but I wouldn’t put it past them if they did. Truthfully, I don’t want to know, but I do have my gyno test me at all my six months check ups just in case.
After I was raped, I had to have std tests as part of my sex assault exam. The anxiety of waiting for the results was awful, even though all came up -.
You shouldn’t feel bad for taking time out for yourself- recovery is draining and it’s important to take some alone time if you need it. There were times in my recovery where it was like, I was just so wrapped up in my feelings that I wanted the world to go away and had no energy to deal with anyone.
But what I can say is that it is important if you are in a relationship gearing towards serious and struggling with ed recovery to have either a good therapist or strong support system. If there is one thing I have learned in the healing process, it’s that you begin to recognize how your illness takes it’s toll on other people too and affects your relationships with family, friends, and partners. I went through this not only with ED, but with my struggles in intimate relationships where I found myself not being able to deal and the BF takes it personally and thinks it’s all about me, how I feel, and how he feels his feelings are irrelevant. A big part of recovery is recognizing that while your ED drains you, it can also drain others around you who might benefit from some outside support too.
A good therapist can guide you to a delicate balance of alone time but also pushing yourself to risk taking when it’s important.
I am not talking about CK specifically because I don’t know where you stand with him just yet, but what I am saying just applies to people close to you in general. Do take time for yourself in a positive way, but be careful not to isolate either. At one point, I was so paranoid about my friends who knew that I developed a pattern of avoiding all things social to ditch the comments, especially when any events revolved around food. Eventually, they stopped asking me to go out with them because they couldn’t deal with me and it ended up contributing to extreme loneliness and depression. I am not saying that’s the case with you, but just sharing my experience. Alone time in moderation is good, but just be careful not to do it too much because it will aileante people close to you. Make sense?
Anonymous,
You totally didn’t come off as harsh on your last post to Free. This seems like one of those situations which I have come to find are rare in the blog world: a disagreement about something at the end of which we understand each other and are both better off! Keep posting! Your telling it like it is does not bother me when you do it like this; I totally support it.
Lottie,
So good to see you here again! So much has happened! I would love to catch up with you. I’m glad to hear about your trip; I think that is going to be so cool. Where are you planning on going?
Free,
Hang in there. Keep talking, they are going to get you the help you need. The system is slow and sluggish, but look at it this way: If you are strong enough to go through your days without food the way you do, you are strong enough to fight them all down. You can make them give you the help you need, but only if you keep after them and keep after yourself to continue trying. You can do it!
MelAmber,
I am so glad to hear that you are trying so hard. Nats and I and everyone definitely DO care about you, and I’m so happy to hear you know that, even if it does ‘blow your mind’. I know the feeling! Your last post really spoke to me because I have had that EXACT PROBLEM with .O. – I feel fat, and therefore I cannot see him. We had a fight over it once. I said last year I was thinking of going home a night early, and he got really upset. He didn’t understand until I explained it to him. Later I pointed it out as an example to him of why my ED meant we could never work, and he said no, it would be alright now because I would tell him. Sometimes I don’t really think I deserve him. Often, really. Anyway the point of it is CK will understand too, most likely, especially if he had a sister who suffered. Maybe try telling him you’re having a hard time next time and see what happens? Let me know how it goes!
If anyone needs help on the “system” with insurance- I fought the state, and I won. I can’t promise that everything will work in your favor regarding your plan, but submitting mine to the state board of insurance busted them and now they have to pay up. Anyone who needs my advice on this can write me and I will try to help.
mamaV- im not sure if this site is still used. i saw your videos on youtube and was caught off guard by them. i wanted to thank you for not shredding pro ana sites apart, like so many haters do. your videos were really thought provoking. But im confused. what exactly is your goal? like on this forum? recovery? or support? or acceptance? they are all such different things. Its just fresh and new to see someone who cares and is open to everyones thoughts and opinions.
Again, thank you
PD
Anon,
How long have you been following this blog hun? Just wondering if we know you or not is all?
Nats
lottie babesssssssssssssss missed you! Good to hear from you hunny!!
Your trip sounds fab, I booked 5 holidays last night ha ha 1st one is in December I cannot wait! Where you heading to then? come on fill us in. xxxxx
MelAmber,
Everyone here cares for you, we all care for eachother no matter what. This has always been the way of the people here and I love that about this blog, its what has kept me here xx anytime you wanna talk, talk, email, either way babes we are here for you every step of the way xxxxx
Free, hun you are doing great just keep pushing babe, you can fight this and we are right behind you on your side!!! xxx
Nats
xxx
Okay…So insurance will pay for EVERYTHING involved with getting treatment from start to finish at a residential treatment of my choice anywhere in the country (including remuda) as long as I wait until May to go. So it would only cost up to $1000 to go. If i wait…
If I don’t wait until May for treatment than my insurance will drop me, I will have to find my own insurance (probably through the Cobra program) and it would cost me over $30,000 to do treatment.
Do I wait? I probably will…I mean…it would be hard to wait a few more months but I’ve been doing this for ten years, what is five more months?
Free babe you are the only one who can answer that question hun, you are the one who knows where they are and how far you are, I will be here for you whichever way you decide xx
Guys, just wanted to say that I had such a great day today with .O. . It was my day off from rehearsal, and we spent nearly the whole thing together, and I was almost like a normal person. I ate a bagel with cream cheese and juice in front of him, and then we went to a cafe and got coffee and worked on our homework. I got great work done on this essay. Then we went for a wonderful walk – it was grand weather and we stopped by some gardens and there were great fall colors – and afterwards we had what I think was our first date (hahaha – I know… but really that’s how it is when you’re so so busy and you can’t eat dinner with your boyfriend). He took me to a mediterranean restaurant and I ordered grape leaves and ate my entire meal. In front of him. With him facing me, not two feet away. I totally did it and I have to say I am so fucking proud of myself. It was such a golden day, and I know he was happy too. He said he wanted it to be his treat because he’d never been able to take me out for dinner before. I had to leave him after that to develop some prints and run a meeting and some tech for our independent theatre troupe, but I’m meeting him again in about five minutes. It’s been such a great day, and I’m really on cloud nine about it. I just had to share! I feel like I’m doing so well in so many ways. Much love to you all.
Love from,
.C.
Nats- not sure- maybe a few months? I don’t recall how long exactly. C- wonderful about eating out with O.- I know how stressful it is.
Free- that is great news about your insurance- I was just wondering…any particular reason why they won’t cover it until May?
C,
I AM SOOOO HAPPY FOR YOU! I can hear the excitment through your writting. I totally understand how impowering eating a full meal infront O must be for you. What a terrific step in the right direction. You are more then just a ‘normal’ person, you have proven to be extra ordinanry by the things you have gone through, and how well you have been doing.
I ate with CK this weekend as well, and he slept over…whch is huge, bc usually i need him to leave so i can eat alone.
I had a little bump in the road Firday. I was at the gym and this girl (who is VERY skinny) is now dating my ex. They make it very obvious that they are together, and for some reason i makes me more upset that she is skinny.
Anyways, whatever, hasnt made me resitrictr or binge, yet…
Congats again C!!
xo
Hey everyone, i will write now cos i start double shifts tomo for the rest of the week, FUN!
I am going to india, hong kong, thailand, vietnam, cambodia, singapore, australia, new zealand, fiji and america and arrive back july next year.
It is going to be amazing, i have promised myself that i will let it.
C – Well done sweetie, that is amazing, very proud of u.
Nats, tell all, where are you going?
Free, i am glad to hear you can get treatment now. as for when to take it, only you know. but i am so glad you have some progress.
Hi to everyone i havent chatted to before, this forum is amazing. i would say i am in a good place right now but when i wasnt this place saved my life xxxxxx
Ok, in December I am going to Egypt. January im going to South Africa, March going to USA, September I go to Amsterdam and in October I am going to New york!! xxx
Hey guys, just wanted to check in. Free, what did you decide about treatment? Nats is right, it’s your decision. It just sucks that there even has to BE a decision like that.
I am doing pretty well lately, but for some weird reason I’ve been having an urge to cut… I don’t know what it is. It’s like, whenever I get too happy I want to screw it up for myself or something. I don’t know how to deal with it or why it’s there; I just want to make marks on my arm.
.C.
So my insurance company has decided that if I were to take a semester off from school they will drop me and I will have no coverage for anything. Yesterday I had an appointment with my shrink and my father had called to tell her about the ED thing being worse than I let on. She ordered testing and such. My bloodwork is so screwed up and my heart, lungs, and liver are having major problems along with some handy dandy bone density loss. No more exercise or else I will break a bone. My insurance company says eating disorders are not a serious health problem so I can’t take a medical leave of absence. I plan on going to treatment as soon as it works out. Who knows when that will be…
I’ll respond more later, my new anxiety med makes me really tired and its difficult to focus. Plus I can only type with one hand right now because of my shoulder being hurt and in a sling.
Take care everyone.
Jesus! Free, that all sounds soooooo serious. I am so sorry, you are in my thoughts…xo
Free,
What if you talk to your university and THEY grant you medical leave? Then you could take it to the insurance company and say look, this academic institution defines this as a legitimate need for a leave of absence, you need to pay for this. Maybe even threaten to take them to court. You have got to get treatment Free, you can’t go on like this. Please write soon with all that’s going on. I hope that your dad didn’t upset you too much by what he did. That sorta sucks, but it sounds like you know he was trying to help… good luck Free, I’m thinking of you.
.C.
What’s going on with this forum? Are all old posts gone?
.C.
Hi C. : I am converting the site over to a new platform, I need to move over all the old posts, working on it!
mV
i find Johnny Giovanni Righini’s words very moving. Watching his videos inspire me to make positive changes in my life.
(some may find the photography triggering.)
http://www.finddesirenotdemise.com/content/
So, whats going on here???
Is it just me or is anyone else having trouble seeing things in the open forum?
What’s with this new forum? I don’t see any comments…
So what do i do here, just talk or what?
This is a test comment
test
So here is the scoop. It is finals week so I dont’ have much time until Thursday after I finish all my finals and hand all my final project in and such.
Hey .C…Hospitalization has been put on the table in discussions that i have been having with my therapist. She might send me there for malnutrition and dehydration with or without my consent. Apparently not eating is considered a danger to oneself.
I still think everyone in my life is over reacting. I am not underweight.
If I end up in the hospital I won’t be able to get on this site very much so if you want to keep talking with me give me an email address or something cause I am determined to keep my email for school stuff no matter what.
So…yeah. what is going on for everyone else?
Mia, yes hun just talk, about anything you want to talk about or just put out there.
Hope your ok.
Nats
xxx
Hi Girls! I apologize for having the open forum all messed up, but it is fixed.
I also added the captcha code requirement below because it helps block spammers, kind of a pain, but hopefully not a biggee.
Love,
mV
Free,
If you keep this up, you WILL BE HOSPITALIZED. Whether you’re underweight or not. Seriously, I have lived on very very little food, and I wasn’t technically underweight either. We don’t feel like we deserve care sometimes, I think, unless we fit into certain categories that people have made up. Health is so much more subjective. You need help. You are not healthy. The whole point of everything is that anorexia makes a number on the scale SO IMPORTANT. That’s exactly what it’s doing right now: it is once again telling you you are not thin enough. Not thin enough to deserve food, not thin enough to deserve treatment. You deserve (and need) both. You have GOT to go into treatment, or the hospital. Please please let me know soon what’s happening. If you do get sent away, my email is rose_cm436@yahoo.com. Don’t hesitate to use it and let me know how you’re doing as soon as possible!
Mia,
Welcome. You can indeed talk about anything here. You will find everyone very supportive. We have a lot of different personalities, and people have been here different amounts of time, but everyone has something to offer. Hope to hear more from you soon.
Nats,
How is everything? I hope well?
Personally, I am doing pretty well, but getting some weird urges lately to revert to old behaviors. I think it’s something about the winter. Still, I am doing well, and there remains something novel about the idea of allowing myself food. It has definitely lost power over me. I can eat what I want pretty much. I am not hungry all the time anymore. I noticed the other day that I can race up all the stairs in my dorm without getting tired. Last year it was a struggle to make it up them. In all, things are not bad… everyone else?
.C.
MamaV,
I think your new layout is sort of cool, and I don’t mind the new openforum layout, but I really don’t know how I feel about the header on the site. I’m not even talking triggers here, because I know how you feel about that subject and also they’re really small. Still, it’s just sort of ugly feeling to see that every time I visit. Also, it gives a bit of a false impression that all ED sufferers are super-thin. I don’t know, I just don’t really like looking at it. I know it’s your blog and I’m not really asking you to change it, I just thought I would offer my two cents. I hope you’re not offended.
Thanks,
.C.
Changed it!! I get what you said…I just got sick of looking at my face up there!! So for now, its back to me. Any ideas on what I should use as a header?
Love,
mV
Yeah put mamavision Army up there!! you should get everyone to send a pic in you add them altogether like one long photo and put that up there! ha
Nifty layout. I like it.
Hope everyone is well and ready for the holiday seasons.
I talked all the health professionals to grant me another month of whatever. The first week of January I do start this therapy thing that is geared specifically for eating disorders to see if that will help and pull me out. If that doesn’t help I will continue to talk everyone out of hospitalizing me every month until I reach May. I am at my parent’s home for a few days and that does a number on my head. I left my scale in my closet at school though…so I guess that is a positive thing.
C…it is good to hear you are doing well and that you don’t feel like food has as much control in your life. That is truly awesome.
I hope everyone has a wonderful holidays and can focus on the joy of family and friends rather than the isolation and fear of this D* ED. That’s my goal for the week at least.
Wow, thank you for hearing me and thank you for changing that, MamaV. I feel so good about that. I promise not to get sick of looking at your face, but I will try to think of something for you! : )
Free,
I am glad to hear that. Keep working at all of it!
Nats,
I miss you! Hope you’re doing well!
Sorry I can’t write more now, but I must go….
Merry Christmas girls! I hope that everyone is having a relaxing, stress-free holiday. Try not to worry about the non-important stuff, and enjoy this time.
Love from,
.C.
Hi girls,
I hope you all managed to enjoy the holidays.
I have. Well most of the time. I have been doing a lot of soul searching these past few weeks, thinking about things i buried a long time ago. While it has left me with a knot in my stomach i also feel like it has cleansed me. Right now, although i have feelings of sadness, i also feel that i have the ability to be a better stronger person in 2010.
My appearance, my need for order, my own insecurities – i am going to try so hard to not let them get in the way of my travelling. I deserve this adventure, i deserve it to be fun.
Most of all girls, you deserve a very good, happy and healthy 2010 and i hope that you can all conquer at least one demon next year if not all.
Keep fighting, even on the darkest of days, you are worth fighting for!
Love Always
Lottie xXx
Hi girls!!
How are you all? I hope your all well and things are going well for you all. I am so sorry I have not been around much, been ill over the christmas holidays and I have only just got energy to sit and type more than one sentence!
I really hope that the new year brings you all joy and happiness and I will look forward to joining you all in a healthier year xxx
Nats…I hope you are feeling better. I am sorry you got sick over break, that is always the worst. How is life going for you?
Lottie…you are very encouraging. Thanks you.
I am glad you had some cleansing soul searching.
C…You rock. Happy Holidays to you too. I am a bit late in my response but better late than never right?
I am at a mission conference with 16,000 other college age students. It is pretty fabulous. I have really been shown this week that before I can go after going into missions i have to address my eating issues. So…it looks like that is my goal this coming year.
I might have figured out a way that I might be able to go into an outpatient program as long as I don’t lose too much more weight and get below the weight limit they have. It isn’t inpatient or residential like my therapist and shrink want…but it is what might be available. I just have to find somewhere to live that i can afford in the city that is it in and I need to find a job to work when I am in not in treatment and figure up how much I am going to end up covering out of pocket to see if I can do it because my parents are not going to be paying for it. So, if I do not lose too much weight I might go in May unless school gets too unmanageable than I might leave school for the semester early. So many choices and I hate making choices ever.
Happy New Year, girls! I’m sorry I can’t write more now. I just want to say for now that I believe in all of us. Make it a great night and a great year!
Love from,
.C.
Lottie,
thanks for such an encouraging post! I know I don’t agree with Mama V on everything, and I totaly get coming to terms with things in the past that haunt us. As a rape survivor, I live with it every day. I was very offended today by what I felt was a rather insensitive comment aimed at my treatment team criticizing what they feel is best for me in my recovery.
Nats- I hope you are feeling better!
Free- I am sure that you will make the right choice in what treatment is best and most economical for you. Don’t let people push you around or tell you what to do.
Today i watching overlay from here.
this is wondeful film.
Who are watching this?
http://edition.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/personal/01/04/dating.site.overweight/index.html
have u seen this? disgusting treatment of people. just shows how crazy our world is dont you think?
horrible horrible horrible!
Lottie…That is just twisted. O_o I can’t believe that that website is serious.
I am not feeling well. Today I am going to call the place where I might be able to go into treatment and asking some questions.
i am going in for an evaluation on monday
Free, good luck! I wish you all the luck in the world and more. I hope it goes ok, i hope you get the answers to your questions you want to ask.
Girls, on monday i am setting off to go around the world for 6 months. this means i probably won’t be on here a lot if at all because i know my internet access will be limited. I jst want to say THANK YOU to you all for your advice and kind words and support over the past 2 years. without you all i do not know where i would be right now.
I love you and you are all amazing. Stay safe, beautiful and strong. I believe in all of you xXx
Free hun I hope it all goes well for you, we are all here if you need us. If you want to call me or email or anything then feel free to do so my email is loudnatali@yahoo.co.uk and if you want to call then email me and ill send you my number!!
Lotttieeeeee!! Have a great time babes! If you come my way then let me know and we sooo have to meet up!!
I am not happy! I have made all these arrangements to go to the fitbloggin conference in Baltimore in march and can now not go! I am so upset was looking forward to meeting everyone xxx
Because I am a creeper and always want closure for everything I thought I would drop a line telling what is what.
I am in the process of moving out of my dorm, withdrawing from college, figuring out insurance, figuring out where I am storing my stuff, and on Monday I am entering a program. I wanted to wait a month or two to figure stuff out but they told me that was not a good idea. So…I am off.
Lottie…Have fun on your journeys. I hope you have a fabulous time.
Nats and C. See ya’ll on the flip side. You guys have my email. Send me a line telling me how stuff is. I will be able to check my email occasionally.
Later days all.
sorry but im confused, posts from last year are showing up after posts from this year??
Where are the recent posts?
I have the same problem C hun, I have emailed mv about it but not heard back as yet hun xxxx
working on it, thanks for telling me
working on it!
Ok, all posts are back, but kind of in a weird order at the end, I think it had to do with the year change.
I also changed the settings so up to 200 posts will appear before you need to click to next page because I figure you girls were clicking through a lot of pages?!
Love,
mV
I need help grieving the loss of my mother.
In high school, she told me that she loved me. She told me that if only I loved her back, maybe we’d be able to have a relationship.
She told me that my father didn’t want me. That he will never love me the way she does.
She mentally abused me from 6th grade up until the day before I left for college. In fact, I didn’t even see her the day I left for college. I just left her a note saying ‘Just wanted you to know that I left. Goodbye.’
The amount of times that I have seen her in the past three years I could count on just my fingers.
I wanted to pretend that she didn’t exist.
Come this past Christmas, I didn’t have intentions of seeing her.
In fact, I was completely fine with that.
I hadn’t seen her since July, and even then I didn’t speak to her. I hadn’t spoken to her since February.
My little brother was upset about this. He is too young to understand the pain that I endured because of her.
I had forgiven her in my heart last year.
I have repeatedly told her that I loved her and that I forgive her.
She never remembers.
At her house for Christmas, we awkwardly walk in. She never once makes eye contact with me. She speaks with my brother and his wife, I try to join, but find myself on the outside. She never held me at high regards like she did my brother. I never held her at high regards like my brother did, though. But, that is because he wasn’t abused by her.
Now, I want to grieve the loss of her from my life.
I denied it in middle school and isolated myself from friends.
I was angry my freshman and sophomore years of high school.
I told God that I would continue telling her that I loved her if He would just make her sane again.
I was depressed junior year of high school until the summer before my second year of college.
This day, January 16th, marks the exact date last year that I became happy with myself. It has been one year.
But, I still find myself feeling alone, depressed, lost, etc.
That is why I want to grieve the loss of my mother. This way, I can finally accept the fact that she is gone. I want to move past the grieving. I want to get it out of my life.
I don’t know what all of that was. I apologize for my lack of encouragement or support. I do not expect any in return. I just needed to get it out.
Love you all. Please keep yourselves healthy. I want you to know that no matter who is telling you what… to forget all of it. Just remember that you are a child of God and that you deserve every ounce of happiness in your life. You are more than this pain that you are going through. You are all lovely, beautiful, and full of grace and talent.
Yours always,
Michelle xoxo
I guess I should have mentioned that my mother is still alive. Sorry for any confusion.
Hi mamaV.
Saw your videos online and u seem like the exact person i need to help me.
i think im becoming anorexic,or already am i don’t know.
please please email me back, i am from london and am only 13 so i don’t know what to do.
sophie
Sophie hun, I am not far from london myself and im here for you anytime hun xxx
Hi, I’m doing doing writting homework right now and we can write on what we want, I picked anorexia, I have written something which the teacher will like but I dont think I’ve done a good enought job so I was hoping you could give me some pointers on what my points should be.
thanks
I fasted all day yesterday for Ash Wednesday.
I haven’t fasted in about two years.
You know the saying ‘you’re never fully recovered’?
Well, that’s where I’m at right now. I fasted and remembered the control that I once had. It felt so empowering to say, ‘no’ to food. Specially with my life as crazy as it is right now with midterms, preparing for training, papers, 16-20 hour days…
My life is insane and now I remember why I slipped into an eating disorder in the first place. It was something I could control.
I’m afraid it is going to be oh so hard for me to get out of this one. It will probably take weeks this time instead of days. But, I’ll get out… hopefully.
Thank you, all, for reading this and being here.
Love,
Michelle
ive had eating disorders since i was 11, im now 17
i still struggle, am actully relapsing.
ive got severe mental health illnesses/disorders n difficulties,n learning problems
alcohol mother
absent, abusive, neglectful biological father
narcissistic sister
i have a medical illness that im moderately-more so severely affected by, now needing a wheelchair and bedbound majority of day.
im relapsing in my ed and everything is out of control.
i abuse my narcotics (for my medical illness) and part of me wishes ill have a seizure(they are more likely on this med and im at risk of them) and die.
anyone help me?
Hi Sarah hun,
I am so sorry that you are struggling so much at the moment.
Im Nats by the way! So nice to meet you!
I am here any time you want to talk. I am in the UK so if there is a time difference between the two of us then please do no think that im not replying its just the time difference.
If you want to email me then you are more than welcome to do so on loudnatalie@yahoo.co.uk.
Take care, keep strong, we all here for you babes.
Love
Nats xxxx
hey thank you i have added you on my msn and i will email you now.
im in UK too thank you again.
Hi SmudgerUK: Thanks for the concern about my friend. The funeral was last night, it was amazing. He was part of a society that I guess would be described “new age” and they performed all sorts of ceremonies that are so foreign to most Americans. I loved it, they were chanting, and talking in normal words that everyone can understand, kind of peace and love type stuff — but not too over the top (for me anyway). They even had this native American woman travel up to the state to perform these traditional songs with flutes and drums in his honor. Anyway, my friend would have been proud…and I felt like he is in peace.
Now — about you! I am glad to hear you are trying a healthy eating approach. What are you doing — for example what is a sample meal? Does your plan include regular, normal, non-obsessive exercise? Key to mental health.
Hey– thanks for always sending me story tips! I dont always get a chance to email you back.
mV
.C.,
Hey again hunny!! Ok, well you were honest with him which is great, even though you didnt get to say anything to him regarding having a meal with him, you told him how you felt and that babe is a BIG thing. I have this problem with opening up, but I am now getting better at it. You may not have sorted your fear of eating a meal with him hun but you did tell him why you felt the way you did and he responded by understanding. Not lashing out, not shouting but accepting the fact that you were struggling and he must have known how hard that would have been for you.
My suggestion is to keep being honest with him, the more you are honest, the more feedback and understanding you will get, the more you will feel comfortable attempting to eat around him.
Loves you babe xxxx
C.
Thank you for the welcome!
Ya, i read what you wrote to Nats, and i agree. Sometimes, eating is just so complicted it is just easier not to eat *or in my case, over eat and purge….
In my recovery (2nd real attempt in 5 years) i have had to start by eating more frequent meals, this way i do not purge at night. I also have found that not having a toxix relationship has really helped me stop going for 2nd helping with the intent to harm my self later. There is something to be said for being single, and suddenly in charge of your own destiny.
My EX was a fitness model (and so was i ) so i blamed him for my ED behaivour for a long time…
Anyways, i am so happy to hear that you are trying your hand at recovery. It is a process, so even a ’slip’ up, does not mean FAIL. I thought i was totally recovered until about a year ago, and i am back where i started. I feel like i will alwyas be in some form of Recovery …and i am okay with that.
xoxoxo
Hey MelAmber….
Welcome!
I am sorry to here about your relationship going south. I am glad to here though that you are doing well lately. Take care of yourself.
Its good to have you here.
Free:
If you know that a lot of your problems come from your eating issues, that cause enough to get help. Many family and friends tend be in denial about the reality of ED and think if they do not admit that it is a problem, it will go away…..You owe it to your beautiful, strong body. IT NEEDS YOU.
Good luck hun
xo
MelAmber,
I haven’t read through all of these posts yet- mainly because this open forum is just too overwhelming for me to keep up with. I guess people won’t miss me here, because while I know hoe hard it is and am not perfect, I fight the good fight.
Eating out sucks and is scary- but it is a VITAL phase of recovery. You seeking out tips from other posters how no to eat out with family or friends has no place here, and is pro-ED behavior
It does offend me, actually. But then like Mama V says- tough shit- I don’t need to go to this site. I don’t say anything she doesn’t a;ready- just in a different way. She’s the one posting pictures of emmaciated bodies on her website- NOT ME
That’s a great idea, I’ll think about that, for some of my friends especially.
The other thought I had was to get some brightly coloured, pretty boxes and then just fill them with little things, rather than one big expensive gift.
I suppose the main gifts are for my main girl friends. Although a friend of a friend is supposed to be letting me know about this company that do inexpensive, natural beauty products. So that could be useful!
I think it’s really important, with funerals, to celebrate the person and to do it in the manner which they would have wanted – whatever that might be. And the fact you describe it as amazing – some people might raise an eyebrow at that, but I think that’s the best you can hope for with a funeral – for it not to be about loss so much as a celebration of that person. I’m glad you found it a positive experience, despite your loss.
Healthy eating… Just the stuff you’re supposed to do, I guess. Vegetables and fruit, wholegrain carbs, things like that. Filling lower-fat meals. I’m trying to eat at sensible, regular times to regulate my blood sugars, and trying to avoid my normal response when I feel fat – which is to immediately restrict. I’ve had a couple of binges which I’m not proud of, but I’ve just got to keep going.
As far as exercise goes, I’m able to walk to work so get 30 mins in the fresh air each day, and I’ve also got an elliptical cross-trainer at home, from previous “fitness” obsessions of mine. The rule is I can get on it for the duration of one of my favourite soap operas, and then I get off and have some juice. So, that’s about 25 mins 4 times a week. It should help.
As for the story tips – you’re very welcome! I’m never sure what you get to see of the British news and press, so if I see something interesting, I forward it on to you in case you find it relevant.
Hope everyone is doing OK. It’s a lovely, sunny autumn day here today.
MelAmber, I am here hun! Talk to me, tell me what you are thinking, I am not going to leave x if you would prefer to email me then feel free to do so on loudnatalie@yahoo.co.uk.
You are NOT ALONE!!! xxxx Nats