MEMORIAL
I would like to honor the following individuals, all have passed, all are missed dearly, and all represent how deadly eating disorders can be. If you are deep into your own struggle, please look into the eyes of these young, women and know your body and mind is also being ravaged by the affects of this deadly disease.You are not alone, help is waiting for you. Please reach out, when you are ready.
First and foremost, we need to recognize all the young women and men who die every day from eating disorders. They are not famous models or hollywood stars, they are just like you and I. They have gone quietly to their grave but they will not be forgotten by all the friends and family left behind. View memorial here
November 2007
Hila Elmalich was a model from Israel. She weighed 60 pounds when she passed away. My 7 1/2 hear old daughter weighs 50 pounds. Her 3 year struggle was documented by her dear friend and modeling agent Adi Barkan, holding her in this image below.
August 2007
Andrea Carrio Rojas, 17 years of age from Chile. Andrea weighed 89 pounds when she passed away on August 29th, 2007.
March 2007
At 28 years of age, Maggie took her own life. She struggled for 10 years with her eating disorder, before she decided to commit suicide Sunday night, March 4th.
A friend of Leah, another ED sufferer who passed away unexpectedly in January (see below), and other readers of this blog, our hearts go out to her boyfriend and family during this time.
February 2007
She lived on lettuce and diet coke until a heart attack took her young life on Valentine’s Day. Her sister, Luisel succumbed to anorexia as well, just 6 months earlier (see Luisel’s memorial below).
January 2007
Committed suicide, documenting her last moments of life online, until she passed away on January 27, 2007. She looked to the pro-anorexia sites for support, but only sunk deeper into her disease, depression, and eventually lost all hope.
Shortness of breath after a jog landed her in the ICU. Doctors believed she was out of the woods, and was released to a regular room. She was full of life, energy, and positive hope as expressed here. A massive heart attack took us all by surprise just days later. Her light lives on here.
November 2006
Brazilian model dies from kidney failure caused by anorexia.
Fellow Brazilian follows in Ana Carolina Restons footsteps, starving herself to death while studying for a degree in fashion. Carla suffered a heart attack. And then another, that finally killed her.
October 2006
Luisel was just doing her job, unfortuntely it was one that required starvation. As she walked off the runway, she fainted. They couldn’t save her, she too suffered a heart attack caused by anorexia. Little did her family know that their younger daughter would die of the same evil disease six month later (see Iliana above).
73 Comments
March 17, 2007 at 7:04 pm
This is shocking. I’m trying to recover so it’s not like I’m in a constant state of starvation/purging…but when I do go through one of those phases…I pretty much go all out. How much does it take before you are susceptible to getting a heart attack? I’ve been struggling off and on with a combination of anorexia & bulimia for four years…and have always wondered when my luck will ‘run out.’ I guess I never took the warnings seriously. Perhaps I should now…
March 21, 2007 at 9:55 pm
[...] mamasMEMORIAL [...]
March 22, 2007 at 11:55 am
i been stuggle with bad eatting habits for 15 yr. i never wonder about it medical problems it could cause i thought it was just something they said to get you to eat more. so that way i just told someone it took a big load of my shoulders and it made me realiz i need help that i can’t do alone. but i also wonder if i did the right thing.
April 2, 2007 at 10:20 am
I can’t believe how fortunate i am to be here when I realize how many other young women have dropped dead from this disease. I have recently read that anorexics have a high % of sufferers who can not, will not recognize they are ill. That was me, even with diagnosis and therapy I felt I was mis diagnosed for years and years and now see I couldn’t accept help that was offered because I couldn’t SEE I needed it. I now have a serious blood disorder resulting in chronic anemia. I count myself lucky that that is all I am dealing with, so far. I love this blog because it assails self delusion about body issues and disordered eating.
To read what Tanya wrote above, I know this blog is making a difference.
April 11, 2007 at 1:06 pm
Check on this, this may help to some people…i know it helped me little.. Because she have seen this from inside, and she is fine now, and have hope… i wish that all of us can be this brave…
http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=eniwekwe
May 1, 2007 at 10:17 am
It hurts so much when people die, especially when it’s from something you yourself have been through or are going through.
i got two emails today that have torn my heart apart. Two friends from the past have passed away, one girl (16 years old) had a heart attack on Friday, and another commited suicide on Monday. Both as a result of eating disorders. What scares me most is that despite knowing the consequences of eating disorders, so many of us still engage, still dont get help and dont recover. It kills me inside to realise that two more of my friends are gone, and i honestly feel like they were murdered by Ana and Mia. They will destroy you, unless you destroy them first.
May 6, 2007 at 10:42 am
I’ve been reading this website for a couple of days after I watched a LMN movie about eating disorders. I’m a 48 year old woman who has battled this disease for about 33 years from the first time I started my first starvation “diet” as a contest with a girlfriend - I won. It’s a crazy disease and I’m glad that someone is here to help. I remember when I was young and really struggling that I had no place to turn and it was very daunting trying to recover without going to a shrink or my doctor - I didn’t want anyone to completely “fix” me and yet I didn’t want to die - what a precarious balance I tried to live by. For the most part I feel that I have my issues under control but realize that even at my age when I start putting on too much weight (anything over 140 - I’ve been all over the scale, 98 to 200 and usually try to weigh between 115 and 120) I panic and the old tapes start playing about starving myself to get back in “control” and get rid of my “disgusting” body. I hate when I treat myself that way - it’s so unkind. I wouldn’t do it to anyone else, but we do it to us. So far I haven’t given into the total starving, not even sure I could anymore (I used to go 2 weeks with NOTHING but water and diet coke and was nursing a baby at the time) but I also know that it’s not healthy and do want to be healthy. But I sure can see how it’s easy to fall into this pattern, especially for young girls. Skinny jeans are much cuter than chubby jeans and people, especially boys, seem to like the smaller girls and the media is all over weight issues of celebrities. Keep up your good work. I am saddened to read about the young women who have not survived but also feel very fortunate that I managed to survive this long and believe that I have started to include good and healthy eating habits. It’s never easy. I hope that family members will realize that their daughter or wife is still susceptible and remain supportive. Keep up your remarkable work.
May 22, 2007 at 6:55 am
Mamma,
I can’t begin to thank you enough for what you are doing. I have had ED since i was 12 and im 25 now. I have spent the last year pulling myself out of my disorder going from 90 pounds at 5′9 to finally getting up to 105 pounds which isn’t great but it’s better. A year ago i was on disability for my depression and anxiety and anorexia and i was very suicidal. I was so insanely depressed i was throwing away everything i had including my marriage, and i had felt depressed so long that i had given up hope. The only thing that saved me was my realizing that i was taking away my chances at ever being a mother. I got pregnant and had to get an abortion because the docters said at my weight that it would put too much stress on my heart and body and that the child wouldn’t be healthy if it even survived. This devistated me and i had to decide what was more important. This alone was the factor that caused me to struggle to gain weight as hard as i ever struggled to loose weight. I still struggle with my eating disorder every day….But at least i am on my way to healthy living. One day at a time.
May 23, 2007 at 4:21 am
Deanna - it is people like you who give others hope. To see that you are fighting so hard to recover helps those like me who are torn between wanting to recover and not having the faith. I will keep you in my prayers and I hope so sincerelly that you can beat your ED :o)
With love,
Jane x
June 7, 2007 at 10:37 pm
you are weak. men do NOT find this attractive (being thin and sinewy), magazines are garbage, there is NOTHING you can say about society or trying to fit in that can possibly alter these facts I am relaying to you here.
You are simply weak women, worthless of love and affection because of your own self-absorbed ways.
Here is a simple idea, focus on someone else, basically anyone outside of yourself and you will instantly find the love and affection you desire. Your pathetic self-involvement is terribly disturbing.
June 8, 2007 at 9:14 pm
Hi come on now: I understand your perspective. There is no doubt that eating disorders are self involved. The problem is when self esteem tanks out to nothing, and there is a genetic component to the disease (ED’s are mental disorders), its not that simple to “get over yourself.”
I ask that you try to have some compassion though. Be glad you do not have these issues, this life is total hell.
If I could give each one of the girls who come to this site your self confidence, the world would be a better place.
Thanks for lending your perspective.
-mamaV
June 11, 2007 at 11:05 pm
We know we are weak. we know we aren’t attractive. we know we aren’t worth love. we know it all.
BUT we don’t need you telling us aswell, Ana, Mia, parents…. they all do it often enough. we come here because we know that someone does think we matter.
I can’t believe you said that! you obviously don’t give a shit about other people, why the judgement? have you ever hated yourself so much that you would rather die than inflict your presense on other people? have you ever been abused and told every-fucking-day what a lowly piece of crap you are? I think not. So leave us alone, we are doing all that we can, and it’s people like you who reaffirm our beliefs and push us back down.
MamaV sorry for the language, but I’m angry and hurt. No one else has the right to judge people they don’t know.
Jane.
June 12, 2007 at 4:41 pm
Hey come on now.
This its why i dont like to post pictures, and i like to come to a place where nobody knows me. Nodoby can tell me how ugly i am because no one can see me.. and also thanks for sayin that we are weak and worthless, once again im convinced that no matter how had i try i will never beat this.
I’m thinking that if some one who doesnt know me can tell me that im worthless, what can i expect? i just posted someting about how im eating this last week, but i really want to throw up everythig and cry.
i just hate me so much right now for coming.
June 15, 2007 at 12:56 am
mama, I don’t think “come on now” does have the self confidence you suggested in your reply. People with self confidence don’t need to say the kinds of things that were said by “come on now”.
I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that “come on now” has some things to work on themself. People with eating disorders are not “weak” they are ill. We don’t go up to a teen girl who cuts herself, and lambaste her for being “weak”, we know that she is ill and needs help.
What people like “come on now” don’t understand, is that suggesting that just going out and focusing on others will cure an eating disorder is like telling an agorophobic to just bloody well think of others and deliver meals on wheels to cure themselves.
About 15 years ago I used to run a support group for parents of children with ADHD. One of the things we tried to impress upon people who didn’t understand ADHD (since most people back then didn’t) was that just telling a person who has it to “smarten up” was like this:
— Imagine two people both told they must go outside and dig a hole 4 feet wide by 8 feet long and 2 feet deep. Simple enough. Sure.
— One person, we equip with a shovel, the other we equip with a soup spoon.
The person with ADHD (or in this case, an eating disorder) is the person who has to live life as the person digging that hole with only a spoon.
Would it help to go up to them while they’re trying to dig the hole, and shout at them to “smarten up” or to stop thinking about having only a spoon? Would it make them be able to dig as quickly or efficiently as the person with a shovel?
No.. the person with the self confidence recognizes that what they need is someone who will try help them obtain a shovel, not to be belittled for only having a spoon.
So to anyone else reading this thread… please remember that “come on now” obviously is not themself, at the right place in life. Do not listen to what they said. You are not worthless, you just need a shovel instead of a spoon. Thank God for people like mama, who are here trying to help you find a shovel!
June 15, 2007 at 8:57 am
Francas - I want a shovel so badly!! I agree that “come on now” has issues of their own to deal with, but I don’t think that they are willing to see that they are in the same boat as us. She or he is at that position that we have all passed, denial, denial of any problem that needs to be resolved. whereas we KNOW we have issues and problems, they dont. They can’t see past the end of their own nose and see themselves in the mirror as they are. I might be being unfair, but I personally think that they have exactly the same problems as us… an inability to accept who and what we are, an inability to recognise that we are going about problems the right way. It seems as though he or she is doing exactly the same thing as an ED sufferer…. avoiding the real problem.
June 15, 2007 at 4:13 pm
i think i dont even have a spoon…i have a dessert fork…
June 17, 2007 at 6:18 pm
Whatever!!! WAH! WAH! WAH! Boo friggin’ hoo! Who cares about these self-centered girls? Suicide, firstly, is a selfish act. I don’t care about anyone committing suicide. Secondly, anorexia is another selfish act as well. They only care about how they look. Plus, friends and parents do shit to help.
June 26, 2007 at 6:10 am
Chris - people who are driven to suicide clearly have something wrong with them; they don’t decide one day, “oh, im bored today, i know, i’ll kill myself.” get it? There is always a reason, something that is hurting them so badly that they don’t know of any other way to escape from the pain. And, often they feel that they are doing people a favour, i dont think its the best way to deal with a problem, but you have to remember that they are trying to escape from something. How would you feel if you were beaten and raped everyday by someone who was meant to protect you? Im telling you from experience, death seems like a better option than statying in that situation.
Anorexia is selfish, I agree. BUT people who have this illness don’t do it to be selfish. It is a disease… would you say that people who have cancer are selfish? Come on, they are hurting their families…. BUT ITS NOT THEIR FAULT. Same thing.
Before you comment, have a look and learn something, have some facts. Get to understand it. Your mindless comment is sickening. I certainly care about these girls and so do all of the people who have a heart in this world. You are a pathetic child. I hope you know that.
Jane.
June 26, 2007 at 6:28 am
Mamma,
this is my first time on this site, i came across it through youtube. I dont really know what to say, i dont know what i have. I’m normal weight for my height, i just dont know what is going on, i starve myself… than ill eat something… like i dont binge i dont eat the entire house out… i just eat a normal sized meal, after i eat i throw up or take laxatives. I went to the doctor because i cant poo anymore. the laxatives dont even make me poo and i take up to 100, he told me to come back in a month… a month??!!! do u know how painful it is not to poo?? he is an idiot! I dont know what to do, i dont fit anorexia because im not thin, i dont fit bulima because i dont binge… am i just being dramatic, do i just want an eating disorder… am i just eating like everyone else does?? i dont know whats normal anymore…
thanks mamma, your fighting a good cause.
Amie
XX
June 26, 2007 at 7:11 am
EDNOS…. eating disorder not otherwise specified…. basically you have an ED but it doesnt fulfil the complete requirements for any particular ED.
Hun, your doctor sounds like a jerk - have you read MamaV’s latest post? Seriously, you should speak to someone else… the way he treated you was wrong and unproffessional. It was really wrong to tell you to come back in a month, the severity of your laxative abuse is pretty bad to say the least, so he should have done something. Seriously, if there isn’t a specialist for ED’s near you, seek out doctor after doctor until one takes you seriously. This isnt a laughing matter and I’m so angry at the way you were treated
Be careful sweety, laxxies are REALLY not good for you
Love always x x x Jane x x x
June 27, 2007 at 1:17 am
hey Jane
thanks for replying, i went to the EDA, eating disorder association last week, they called today and i have an appointment to see an eating disorder counsellor tomorrow morning so i will ask them if they know any good doctors that will be able to help…
I hate the guilt trip they give you, i feel like i a wasting there time.
EDNOS… now i feel like not even my eating disorder is good enough… i sound so stupid… i love this site, getting a lot of useful information…
Thanks Jane
MWAH
June 27, 2007 at 7:11 am
Heya hun,
I have EDNOS too lol, and I know what you mean about feeling as though your ED isnt even good enough, BUT I think it’s worse when you think about it…. if you are anorexic people will take action to help, if you’re bulimic they will too…. but with EDNOS people don’t really seem to care. Its rediculous!
As for the guilt trip…. know that one! But, you shouldnt feel guilty, you aught to be proud of yourself for taking that srep towards recovery :o) It’s a huge step to take but worth every second of the difficulty! Just think, life without feeling so crappy…. a dream right now, but it is possible to get there.
The site is great and everyone is always ready to help, let me know how the counsellor goes hun, am thinking about you.
Love Jane x x x
June 27, 2007 at 11:26 pm
hey Jane
I saw my counsellor… her name is Alee, she is really nice, she had an eating disorder when she was younger too. She said that it doesnt matter how big or small i am because an eating disorder isnt just about weight, its the thought process, actions and feelings too…so that made me feel a little better…
Its strange seeing an eating disorder counsellor… we didnt really even talk about it, like we spoke about other problems. alee said that my other problems are the things giving power to my eating disorder, so once i fix them, my eating issues will be fixed too. Its also weird seeing an eating disorder counsellor because my family doesnt even know about me going there and i live in the same house as them… i live with my sister and grandparents. and what makes it all weird, is that im seeing an eating disorder counsellor, i guess its different to think it, but by saying that, by going to an eating disorder counsellor… it means its real and that scars me. Its hard admitting it. Thanks so much jane for helping me.
Love Amie
June 27, 2007 at 11:39 pm
Well done sweety!!!! :oD
It’s really hard when your family aren’t involved in the recovery process - if you feel like you can it might be worth talking to them? I understand how strange it is to realise that your ED is fueled by other things (that scared the hell outta me!) but it is good to realise what is triggering it. Keep at it hun!
I’m always here as are all the others on the site - have a look around and get to know people…
Thinking of you
x Jane x
June 27, 2007 at 11:49 pm
Hey Jane
my sister had anorexia when she was 17, my family have this idea that since haly (my sis) had an eating disorder, no one else can. my grandma has said things to me in the past when i was 15, 16 about me just wanting to have an eating disorder, and just wanting to be like my sister etc, my mum has an eating disorder, its like we are 3 seperate people all living the same life, plus i dont feel like mine is ‘bad enough’ to talk about, i almost feel like not eating at all, getting really thin like the pictures i see on here so that i can get the help i need… its hard… its like having conflicting thought etc, i dont want to give up my friend.. my ed… but i want help… how does that work..
from amie
June 28, 2007 at 3:41 am
That isn’t fair of your family to think like that. You are an individual and deserve to be treated as such. I can only imagine how hard things are for you.
Any ED is bad enough. The disordered patternes of eating are simply masking the real problems, which are always important. You are not your ED… you are a person worthy of help, love,compassion and understanding. You should explain your feellings to your counsellor, it sounds like she’d understand and listen to you. Maybe you could print out this page and show her what you’ve written?
I know how hard it is to fight the conflicting feelings about recovery. I’m making an assumption here, but talking from my own experience I feel like my ED (Edna as EDNOS is frequently called) is my best friend, like “she” is the only one I can rely on. It’s that mindframe that needs to be broken. We tend to personalise our illness - which is all it is… an illness - and that makes it feel like we will lose our best friend if we recover. BUT, recovery is the best thing you could do for yourself. Can you imagine how amazing it would be to wake up every single morning and be happy that you are you?
Please take care of yourself and keep working at recovery ;o) x x x
June 28, 2007 at 6:22 pm
Jane
I dont know if you have ever had to do sit down and write about the things that inspire you, when i did it, it tooks me weeks to find my inspirations, i knew that something inspired me to keep living but i just couldnt see it… i wanted to share my inspirations with you…
Everyday i am inspired by people. people who servive rape, abuse and the systems. I’m inspired by children and young people in foster care, young people who have done it tough but havent let it hold them back. I’m inspired by people who dont continue the cycle of abuse, who break the silence. I’m inspired by people who risk there lives to help others, who choose to sacrifice there comfortable lives to help the less fortunate.
I’m inspired by people who not only stand up for there rights and beliefs, but for the rights and beliefs of others. I’m inspierd by people who are sucidal but choose to continue living. I’m inspired by the simplicity of nature, the planet and the servival of human beings. I’m inspired by people who were once trapped by drugs, alchol, eating disorders and other controlling things who have escaped and are on the path to recovery. I’m inspired by people who are doing it tough but are still able to smile and help others…..
WEll thats my toughts for the day… hope you can feel inspired
Have a great day
Amie x x x
June 28, 2007 at 9:13 pm
hey everyone…
i just wanted to share something with you… i have decided to get help with my ED, i was told about an organisation called Mercy Ministires…. there is one here in Australia, one in America and some other places i think… its a live in program, with psycologists, nutritionists etc etc… the best thing is… its free! I know in america that it is hard to get help because of insurance etc but this is free so yeah if your interested you can check it out at http://www.mercyministries.org…. you can also search it on youtube, they have a couple of things there also… i hope this helps…
be blessed
amie
June 28, 2007 at 9:14 pm
hey again, just so u can click on it… heres the website again http://www.mercyministries.org
xoxox
June 28, 2007 at 9:18 pm
http://www.myspace.com/mercyministriesglobal
this is the myspace one… seriously.. if you are serious about getting help… it looks really good… im applying today…
amie
June 29, 2007 at 6:10 am
Amie!!! I’m sooooo proud and soooo happy!!!!! Well done hun :o) I really really hope things go well in recovery — keep us informed on how it goes, okay!?
I remember having to sit down and write what inspires me; I found it really hard too. I like yours so much, you should keep that written down with you, and read it when things get tough. :o) You’re an inspiration Amie
Love, Jane x
P.S Im gunna check out the website, it looks good, thanks hun x
June 29, 2007 at 6:18 am
The website is good, Mercy Ministry is Christian orientated and it is a part of their requirements that you take Bible stuy and join in with worship - so they go out of the window for me, but they look like a fantastic organisation all the same :o)
June 29, 2007 at 7:21 am
hey yeah i read in the australian one to that you have to do bible stuff… hmmm… i suppose its not forever… and i can think of a million things worse than doing that…. so yeah i’m going to apply…
im having such a sad night… feel really low…. do you ever sit back and think to yourself that you dont really have an ed, that your just making it up… i have been searching on the net for like answers…. to see if im just lying to myself… i cant find anything…. i think a diagnoses would help… at least then i could at least see it… put it in its own box… serperate it from me…
amie
June 29, 2007 at 7:29 am
do you have msn messenger? i feel bad about taking up all this space on the blog lol! if you do, add me n we can talk properly if you want - jajaclark@hotmail.com - just dont email anything to that addy, I dont check it anymore lol (have a diff addy for emails. x x x
June 30, 2007 at 9:27 pm
Ack; This makes me cry. =(
July 2, 2007 at 12:20 am
Hey Zoe…
Whats up? What makes you cry?
Amie
July 14, 2007 at 3:44 pm
Hi mama,
I have anorexia. I made a friend in treatment who died 3 years ago from her ed, she had heart failure and when i found out i was really shocked. She had flatlined so many times before but this time they couldnt get her back and after hearing the news, I cried for all she went through but deep inside i wish i had died so i didnt have to live with anorexia. someday
July 22, 2007 at 4:52 pm
Dear mama, please may you add sophie to the memorial, she took her life early in 2006, she had been suffereing with anorexia for a long time, she was only 14 when she committed suicide. She had an online blog which i followed, willing her to get better, she ended up in a ed unit, i thought she’d recover, or be safe at least, unfortunately she killed herself whilst on weekend leave at her parents house. Her blog is still online today and serves as a harsh reminder of the truth of anorexia.
Rachie. x
July 23, 2007 at 6:09 am
Hi Rachie: Certainly, please send me the link to Sophie’s blog and any other information you would like me ot post about her. If you have a picture of her, I would like to post this as well.
I am so sorry to hear that Sophie lost her battle. Only 14 years old, so much ahead of her but she just couldn’t beat it.
Take care Rachie and thank you for bringing Sophie’s story to my attention.
Love,
mamaV
XOXO
July 26, 2007 at 9:29 am
This Is All very very shocking, is unbelievable what can happen in a quick second.. just when u think that u are o.k, and i believe myself that anything can happen in a quick second.. because my best friend Aisha was only 14 years old when she all the sudden got depressed and hung herself, and then there was my buddy jermiah he was only 17 and shot himself, and just recently.. my friend Casey Died in a Terrible Car Crash.. Their Lives were Stole.. and we will all never know.. now.. i am very depressed because of all my friends dying but i know sometimes i feel like leaving this world and dying but then i see all my friends’s families that are hurt so bad and i think what my family would be like… so i just get second thoughts..and like i said before I ALWAYS FAIL THE MISSION!>> something is making me stay!
<3 always
Becky
August 2, 2007 at 3:39 pm
As I read these memorials I feel like maybe they are the lucky ones. I think no life at all is better then my life with anorexia
October 8, 2007 at 3:04 pm
mamaV.. thought you’d find this interesting.
Today as i was waiting in my senior high school writing class for an appt with my teacher, i read the freshman “i am american” poems on the wayy.of the 18 girls, 7 of them mentioned anorexia in their poems. 2 of them ADMITTED being anorexic, 3 of them mentioned their friends being anorexic, and the other 2 talked about 80 pound models. it shocked me quite honestly. first of all that they would even say that in a paper for a teacher, i would never be able to do that from the mere embarrassment. they all had article clippings of anorexia and models and nicole richie and paris hilton. it made me sad, but also mad in a way because I wonder if they actualy struggle. my mind is so messed up though that i’m now going on a run, as one of the girls claimed to be 87 pounds in her poem. granted she’s probably 5′2 and i’m 5′11, i still dont care.
just found it interesting.
November 26, 2007 at 4:30 pm
i looked at the somethingfishy.com candle memorial and my friend paula who i met in my first treatment stay is now listed there. it has been a bit over 5 years now since her death from heart failure due to anorexia and bulimia and i still miss her and have her number programmed into my phone. she visited me when i was in my last hospital placement in california 8 months before her death and i knew then she didnt have long. i miss her so much. we shared a common bond and when i look back at pictures i never guessed she would be the one that would lose her battle first. i hope to be with her soon.xxx
December 5, 2007 at 6:12 am
i suppose it’s wrong to want to be one of these statistics
December 10, 2007 at 7:00 pm
why?
December 11, 2007 at 4:04 pm
rubylily, i feel the same way you do. you are not alone. i hope for you one day you will not want to be one of these statistics, but instead one that recovers and goes on to live a full and happy life. take care of you
December 11, 2007 at 7:59 pm
i had an eating disorder..
i cant even say i suffered from it BECAUSE i miss it so much…
but i guess you could say im almost recovered because i am eating “normally”.
i never thought of the health complications either until i read that you can become infertile.. so i stopped.
now i suffer from constant constipation, joint and muscle pain that might be from rumatory arthirtis, had such painful and irregular periods that i had to be put on a hormone pill, and everyday i still look in the mirror and hate what i see.
I want children some day, and thats what got me to “recover”. i hope that everyone finds the one thing one day that will lead them down the road of recovery.
Let me be another example of the affects of an eating disorder, i will probably always have health complications, and i know what they are from, even if no doctor does.
December 12, 2007 at 1:11 am
i know that there is a lot going on on this site, but i was wondering if something could be said of how girls do not have to be thin to die from anorexia. I’ve fainted plenty of times when i was”thin”but years latter after gaining healthy weight, i starved myself for only two weeks and i woke up 6hrs after passing out and was told i almost died. I dont think girls know that after a lot of stress on the body, even YEARS down the line, a little more can kill you.
December 20, 2007 at 1:01 pm
you guys fucking piss me off, wow if people want to starve them selves let them dumb ass!
making them stop is just going to make it worse get over it seriously if a person doesn’t want to eat don’t make them dumb ass! wow who cares if they die god wanted them to die. Do you know what it feels like to look in a mirror and want to punch it because when you look at yourself you are so mad, so upset on your appearances. I am not trying to be rude but come on! I mean yeah so what! People starving themselves has being going on for over 500 years. I seriously am like Pro everything get over it, there is no law that specifically states one can not starve, make them selves throw up or think badly about one’s self. so get over it!!! I know plenty of people with shit self esteem, and who starve them selves get over it its a fact of life!
December 21, 2007 at 2:27 pm
Rawr, I agree you are completely entitled to your opinion. however think about it. I don’t know your story, but if you had a friend who did this to his or herself. Would you sit and watch them waste away? Would you want some one you love watch YOU die? Sometimes its not whether or not you can. its whether or not you should.
December 22, 2007 at 12:39 am
Rawr are you kidding me?? Get over it?? Ok WOW NOW IM CURED!!!
YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!!! YOU ARE JUST SOME JERK WHO THINKS THEY ARE GREAT AND NOTHING BOTHERS THEM!! SEEMS TO ME DARLING THAT YOU HAVE SOME SERIOUS ISSUES THAT NEED ADDRESSING!!!
DO NOT COME ON HERE AND SAY SHIT YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT!!!
December 27, 2007 at 1:17 am
Just a friendly reminder that mamaV does not delete comments, so we need to absorb and respect all points of view, no matter how insulted we are.
And watch the f-bombs please.
Love,
mamaV
December 28, 2007 at 12:02 am
wow…you really have opened my eyes on this subject. i am 17 years old, and i have suffered from ana since i was 11 or 12. i always think to myself…it’ll never happen to me. i wont die from it, i have control over it. i can stop it when i want to. but the cruel reality is…it really has control over you. i have tried stopping. i saught help from my youth pastors…i was okay for a while, but within this last month…i have relapsed. its my worst one yet. i was kinda scared the other day, but like i said, i always figured that death from ana will never happen to me. but thats prolly what all these girls thought too. its addictive, and i just happened to stumble upon some of your youtube blogs and all…i have no idea how, but anyways, i watched a good portion of them, and man-o-mighty…this isnt what i want anymore. i thought i was level headed and that i had things under control…and i thought that i was stable…but i sit here now, and look at my hands, they’re shaking, they’re trembling…i am the only one who’s always cold. and for the first time in three days, i have an actual longing for food. i think i may be hungry…i think i can feel the hunger. a peice of me wants to numb out that pain, but then the rest of me says…sam, you have to eat something this week or you’ll end up like those other girls that died. you know, i have a sister the same age as one of your daughters, shes 7, and i look at her, and i think “what would i do if i ever influenced her in anyway without even knowing it? what if i was her ‘thinspiration?’” that breaks my heart. anyways…i just wanted to tell you that i believe you may have helped me see a little bit of light in this lonely long hard tunnel of ana. i thank you so much and i appreciate all that you do! your a blessing! thanks.
~sammy~
January 2, 2008 at 4:36 pm
i have been going through this ed for 2 years now and have been on and off in hospital one of my best friends died 3 months ago once again a heart attack is it just me or is there a pattern coming on?
everyone just take care its not worth i would give anything for all of you beautiful girls to recover this life is pathetic and i just wish we could take action but as the old saying goes its easier said then done
take care
jadee
January 8, 2008 at 1:53 am
Wow. I’m not one of the ED teen girls who might post here. Quite the opposite. I’m a 50-something guy with a pile of cookies in front of me. I’m overweight but not that much. I only weigh, say, about 3 times what some anorexic girls weigh. But I stumbled on this blog by accident (wasn’t looking for anything related) and, like I said, wow.
I’ve been doing volunteer work with addicts for 19 years now. Never had much contact with anorexics; they don’t — umm — shall we say — “identify” with my girth. Even so, as I read here I am once again struck by something which has hit me in the face over and over, that being all the different ways we find to do exactly the same thing.
The “we”‘ being addicts, myself included.
The “same thing” is, as it always is, to control our feelings. Whether we do it by drinking or drugging or sexing or starving or whatever. The “how” of addiction doesn’t really matter, but it IS individual to each of us.
The “why” of the addiction (nature and/or nurture) doesn’t matter too much either. The point is to stop doing your drug of choice, even if that drug is absolutely nothing, ie starving.
I smoked. When I was feeling down a cigarette picked me up. When I was hyper a cigarette leveled me out. A butt was just what I needed to get up in the AM and to go to bed in the PM. And so on. I’d happily pay the $10 / day these days for butts if I didn’t know they were going to kill me. But getting off of them nearly killed me too. Funny, I’ve had multiple heroin addicts tell me that it’s harder to quit smoking than to quit heroin. Well, I don’t have that experience (Thank God) but I know how hard it is to quit, and I’ve seen too many tears on too many faces to think that any other true addiction is easy to quit either.
Anyway what I read in this blog sounded a lot like what I hear from “my” addicts (and myself in the past): controlling feelings by controlling looks, or to prove to yourself that you have some control in your life by not eating even tho you are starving, or whatever else you believe you can achieve by starving yourselves. But always, always it is to control our feelings. We are the same in that regard, me with my butts and you with your daily celery stick.
There are probably not a lot of starving young women reading this blog who would feel comfortable walking into a meeting of Overeaters Anonymous, but it might be worth a try. The goal in OA is not specifically to eat less but is, rather, to eat a healthy amount. I’ve not been involved in OA myself, but I have been involved with a lot of other 12-Step programs as I drag my addicts here and there to meetings, and I’ve seen them do a world of good for people. And in 12-Step meetings you do NOT have to do it alone.
Unlike what you call ProAna groups, which try to help you to “starve right” (Which is like trying to teach an alcoholic to drink right. Yeah, right.), the 12-Step fellowships work to get you to stop doing whatever it is you are doing to control your feelings, including over-eating or under-eating. I used the techniques I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous to stop smoking, which is pretty good for the wrong addiction, and I was just going there as a ride for someone else.
Regardless of how you stop starving yourselves, please do stop. You are worth way more than the way you are treating yourselves. I’ve seen so many hopeless cases saved. It can be done. And the people who pull themselves out of addiction are beautiful, strong and, finally, in control of their feelings at last. How ironic it is that the way to get control of your feelings is to stop doing what you do to control your feelings. My life is good, and I’ve seen so many others be saved, and so can you be too. However you save yourself, you ARE worth it.
Jeff B
January 25, 2008 at 9:00 am
Sorry to burst everyone’s bubble, but ‘ANA’ and ‘MIA’ aren’t eating disorders. Full stop.
Anorexia and Bulimia are.
February 2, 2008 at 12:10 am
Hi Jeff,
If you are still around or still visit the blog Iwould like to talk to you.
Please let me know if your still around.
Nats
xxx
February 11, 2008 at 1:14 pm
i cant believe polly is dead.
February 11, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Jeff B
Amazing comment. Truely.
**************************
With regard to polly.
I know, its so sad.
I mean its so…down.
February 23, 2008 at 9:42 pm
[...] MEMORIAL That’s what I’m talking about. Passion For Fashion [...]
March 4, 2008 at 4:23 am
Im a 18 year old boy
Full life a head of meh if im correct as all you people would like to say hey you have your future ahead of you
Do i really?
well lets see what iv been through so far and you guys tell me if you have experienced this
for starters
My mother is in jail
My gf i have been with for 3 years Cheats on me
My heart breaks
i dont eat sleep or go 2 school for 1 month
i lost my job lost my scholarship
bills are getting stacked
as me n my sister try hard 2 take care of my lil bro and sister
we try really hard
things getting worse
n worse
finnaly my ex gf
comes back to me 3 months later
do i take her back or do i let her go
like AN IDIOT
I TAKE HER BACK
i figure iv been through heart break fuck
i can do it correct?
well her mother finnaly passes away June 25 2007 R.I.P B . M
so now shes upset
drops out of school
i try my best to take care of her
i really do
things are hard
my bills getting shut off
with my mom in jail still
its just getting harder and harder
so i help her get back into school
things are going pretty good a few months later
welll
mothers still in jail
my grandmother passed away
and my aunt
now thing are even worse
well it comes to my point is
As of march 3rd 2008
My gf as at home
while im at work
its around 1130 pm
she just recently got home
so i come home 2 my room start my studys
im wondering where she is dazed and confused to why she hasnt came and gave me a kiss and a hug as always
so i get up
goo look around for her
wonder into my moms room where sh sleeps
open the bathroom door
THERE SHE IS GETTING HER FUCKING SHIT ROCKED BY ANOTHER DUDE
IN MY HOUSE
IM GOING NUTS
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO
RUN TO MY ROOM GRAB A BAT AND GO BACK HES RUNNING OUT THE DOOR 2 HES CAR
Im in shock dont no what to
i think to my self
MURDER THIS BITCH KILL HER MURDER THE FUCKING WHORE
excuse my language
but i cant do this
my pride will hurt me 2 much if i do
i go 2 my room crying
CRYING MY HeART OUT
my heart just broke
im breaking shit
throwing it every where dont no what 2 do
i go 2 my bath room
grab a bottle of tylnol and swallow them in packs of 10
swallowing 100 of them
i also took 16 perscribed Ib profine( cant spell sorry) These have 800Mg a piece
im begging god
let me die please let me die
i start to throw up
im happy hopeing its all over
then i fall to the ground
cant move
laying there
my gf comes in
says it wasnt what i thought it was
shes sorry
she loves me
i cant move cant think
wanna die so bad
wanna fucking kill her
wanna kill my self
hopeing i would die
but i gues snot since im here now writing this
but im gonna finish the job this week
i cant move on anymore
u think people may have bigger problems
well this is one i came to that i cant fix
my moms gonna be gone for a while
her mom is gone
she cheated on me again
i dont wanna move on
i want her
im done
i need suggestions on the fastest way for sucide
dont think im gonna try and give up
its over
i need a way pleaes
no help numbers no websites
i dont want those
i just want a fast qucik ways
of pill mixtures
or anything
i dont do drugs
i dont drink
i dont do anything bad
but im willing to do anything
someone please help
March 7, 2008 at 7:28 am
how about adding polly to this page?
March 8, 2008 at 12:35 pm
I don’t have an eating disorder and i never have. Its probably because of that I was unaware of just how many young lives are lost to eating disorders. It is such a shame that so many lives were lost, in such a short peroid of time, because they couldnt cope or didn’t get the support. May they rest in piece. xx
March 14, 2008 at 8:03 am
Hi,
I found this site a while back but only glanced at it because at the time I didn’t want to get better. I wanted to get thinner. I didn’t care how…it just had to be done.
Well, things have hit a downward spiral and I’ve had to rethink that perspective. I’ve had an ED for about 25 years. This week was pretty bad and I felt totally out of control. Yesterday I finally convinced myself I needed to eat without purging and am feeling a little better today, but definitely avoided the scale this morning!
About 12 years ago I was able to stop all the purging and I made it a long time…but I gained so much weight (up over 200!!) because I could never find a way to stop the bingeing. I tried for years to lose those pounds through “healthy eating habits”, but it never worked. I would always go back to bingeing. Finally I couldn’t stand all the fat anymore and I triggered last Spring. On the bright side I lost 50 pounds, but now the behaviors are re-ingrained in my head and it’s hard to close them out. I’m afraid of getting fat again. It’s like I have to obsess about food and use my ED to avoid gaining because I can’t stop bingeing.
The people who come here to yell and rant stun me….what do they care if we come here to talk.
If they don’t have an ED, why are they even looking at this site? My first thought is they’ve lost someone to an ED, and they don’t understand the behavior, so their way of coping with their loss is to be angry at people doing the same thing. Try to feel sorry for them, and don’t let them get to you. Because if their reason for yelling isn’t personal, then they just like to be cruel to strangers and people like that should just be ignored.
I hope those who come here for support find the strength they need to get well. Jeff B is right. EDs are addictions and as hard to stop as any drug.
My thoughts are with you all as I prepare to reengage in my own battle. Wish me luck.
-tina
March 22, 2008 at 11:53 pm
Right now… I’m scared. I really am.
I’m an exchange student from France staying in Canada ; I had to “leave” my best friend, who has since last year deep eating disorders. I don’t know what to do, I’m too far to help her … I’m so scared to loose her, because first of all, she thinks I don’t understand her anymore, I’m not like her pro-ana friends… that’s for sure. Secondly, it’s now so extreme, that I’m scared she will be in all this until death …
I don’t really know if anyone will react to this message. I would be wonderful … but I just needed to tell someone, to write it down somewhere. I feel so weak, I don’t know what to do. I love her so much.
March 31, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Alice,
Babe, do you want to talk? I am here if you need me, we all are, just go to the Open Forum at the top of the page and you will find support there.
My heartbreaks,
I am not going to tell you how to kill yourself, nor will anyone else on this site, sorry babe you came to the wrong place for that but I will talk to you, if you want to talk, shout, rant scream I dont care.. im here for you no matter what and I am not going anywhere ok, no matter what. I am here.
Nats
April 1, 2008 at 10:25 pm
it’s hard to even be sad after seeing so many of these.
i want to just throw up my hands and say die if you want to, or live if you can. i hope the researchers are half as obsessed with their research as everyone else is with the internet.
April 12, 2008 at 3:00 pm
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April 17, 2008 at 5:32 pm
[...] MEMORIAL Miss Bimbo [...]
April 30, 2008 at 2:20 pm
I used to weigh about 123 then my boyfriend’s sister told I was “a little bit fatty” so I started a diet… I was 16… My boyfriend didn’t noticed until somebody told him. Then he tried to tell me I shouldn’t do that and so on, but in fact, he didn’t mind that much… He liked that 96-weighing, blond girl in a short skirt… Of course… Something he could show others… Then I lost my period. Then I started to vomit despit wanting it. Then I had kidney failure. Then he notice. Then he realized having so fucking slim girl is not so important. He kept on saying he didn’t like my bones everywhere. He said he didn’t want me to suffer anymore. He said he would like to eat dinner with me in a restaurant, he said he would like to see my happy after filling up my stomach, not so upset and then vomiting. When he saw a girl with a lovely big ass and lovely fatty legs he always turned around.So I said to myself, well, ok, I don’t have to be that slim, probably… I said to myself, stop this torturing. I was 19. I stopped. I really did. Suddenly. The following day a I woke up and felt relly cured. I felt cured for 2 months. Then I found out I weigh 109 (it wasn’t even that much like before my ED but..) it totally scared me. I put on 13! It’s stupid I know but you can’t imagine how mcuh it is for a girl with ED. So I fell into it again… I didn’t recover as I thought. It was just some piece of light in my life, but then it disappeared and I’m fucked again. I’m 20 now. Have about 105, vomit at least twice a week. My heart beats irregularly. In the morning I’m so weak that I can’t be standing, I can only sit or I’d faint. And there’s no-one who could help me. My boyfriend - now my husband - doesn’t seem to want to get I’m having an ED. Or maybe I’m just blaming him because I dont wanna admit its my fault. It’s easy for you girls, who leave in USA… ana centers are all around there. But you know, I’m from the Czech Republic, I’l bet some of you do not even know where the damn country even is, in there are only few things like that… Maybe in the capitol of CR… I live in 10000 population town. People watch you. They know what you have for lunch and who you sleep with and where you go… I can’t just go to the doctor. Can you imagine all those gossips? Sometimes I can’t sleep all night and cry and wonder why I started with that at all.. How happy I could be. But this is something that will never be the same again, something i can’t turn back… people without ED can’t imagine this pain and hopeless. Even if I recovered it would never be the total recovering. I’ll always control myself, I’ll always have the potential to develop the ed again… Because with ana the total recovering doesn’t exist.
I’ve just eaten a fish with vegetable. Usual dinner, you say? No. This is something I’ll think about fot whole night. And I’ll manage it or I won’t and vomit it. Keep your fingers crossed for me
May 13, 2008 at 6:46 pm
I am so worried reading these comments and praying for my daughter who doesn’t eat. I want to help her and not trample on her feelings. I love her so much and don’t want to do anything to hurt her. Please help me to reach her.
May 19, 2008 at 6:53 am
hi veronica!
I know where the damm country is cuz i live in Poland
anyway i hope that you are fine and that you did sth to help yourself! don’t think about what people will say they will always talk( im also from small city) you and your health is more important! Really there are more wonedful things to do in life than throwing and starving yourself to death
I m keeping my fingers crossed for you!
May 28, 2008 at 7:13 pm
Wow this scares the shit out of me especially considering I’, constantly having chest pains.uggh well what can you do?
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