Eating Disorder ProAna Blogger Focused on Body Image and Self Esteem

I am saddened and amazed that no matter what I write about, my web statistics on this blog and my collective body image blog WeAreTheRealDeal.com show that the Number #1 search term is…..

PRO ANA

And variations of Pro Ana as you can see below. WTF? (Of course the beloved Nicole still pops up).

So, since this tells me many proana girls are here, let’s have a chat. It’s been awhile. For those of you that are new, like those I connected with on Twitter recently, here’s the brief history about this blog 2006-present:

-Started this blog to talk about how shitty the modeling industry is, and try to knock some sense into the girls chasing the proana dream.

-Got really, really pissed off over ANTM show, and blew my stack on my first youtube video (most asked question about my vlogs? Why am I in my car? Here’s the answer for the curious).

-Proceeded to stalk  emerse myself in the proana online culture to really, really get a true sense of what was happening “out there.” News articles either skimmed the surface or exploited the whole trend, so I wanted to dig in.

-My plan was to educate parents, but the blog itself dictated its path (those of you who are bloggers will understand this, blogs are best when you let them go the way the wind blows).  But I found the site community was mostly girls and young women. Hmm…. I thought. I’ve tapped into something here.

-With that revelation, I instead focused on trying to be a voice of reason for pro ana girls (and women, moms,  TV anchors, teachers …….yes I have been contacted by ALL of the above either for advice, or for requests to pull their picture off my site before they lose their job.

-Plus, I figure; why go after the parents to educate when you are all old enough and smart enough to figure out if you want to live a real life, or go down in proana flames of hell. Right?

-I got fired up, continually wrote posts based on my observation, and to date these two posts get the most traffic (again, not in my plan but reality bites);

Pro Ana Privacy part 1 / Pro Ana Privacy part 2

This  post is read obsessvely, obviously because I posted a bunch of public pictures from ProAna websites and everyone freaked (no I never, ever trolled or faked to be a member to grab images — these were on the public web, unmoderated, and free for the taking).

The lesson? This is the  world wide web kids — you take a picture of yourself in your undies in your bathroom, slap it online for your proana friends to stroke your self-confidence, and BAM–next thing you know some whack job mom blogger has it splashed all over the place).

Internet Suicide

Before Twitter, and still today I guess, Pro Ana Live Journal was the place to be if you wanted to talk about your crisis over eating half an Oreo and three extra celery sticks. PALJ have had all sorts of mods over the years, some completely out of their minds, others teaching the CR lifestyle, and a few with actual good intentions of being a source of “help” for those with anorexia.

But at the end of the day, this shit kills.

Image Credit: http://thekristiproject.webs.com/

Enter Kristi Lanford. A moderator who decided to document the end of her life online. Scary part was and is, many of us watched it happen — live. I never, ever want to experience something like this again. I hope you will read the last moments of her life here, perhaps Kristi will now save a few lives by taking her own. As you will read, Kristi was depressed, drinking, pill popping, and watching Skinny Celebrities as she went off to hopefully a new better place. An online memorial for Kristi was created by her friend “K” and can be viewed here. In K’s words, here is how Kristi’s passing impacted her;

On January 27th, 2007, Kristi took her own life, choosing to document the final moments of her life. There was shock, followed by sadness, followed by anger, followed by guilt, followed by emotions that I never wanted to feel; emotions that I didn’t know existed. There were moments where I beat myself up for not signing online sooner, not calling her just to check up on her, not doing something that could have saved her life. I, like so many others, regret not reaching out to help her more. It takes time to let those feelings go, it takes time to let the death of someone that you love so much go. 

So there you have it – Pro Ana, the lifestyle!*

Somehow, somewhere, I became the resident expert on proanorexia as it pertains to the internet usage, history, sites, language, etc. I’ll take that title. At least I know that while I post triggering thinspo — I also have got you where I want you, and that is listening to one voice — at least one voice that may in fact instead “trigger” your common sense.

My hope is that it saves your life.
-mamaV

*Kristi’s friends have been adamant that she was not “pro ana.” I have a different opinion on where Kristi was in her head, mostly based upon the way she died, so I wanted to point out this important detail out of respect for K and her other friends. 

Sorry, but the Ana-Rexia Costume you wanted is out of stock!

READ MORE HERE….

WARNING: THIS POST ABOUT TRIGGER MAY BE A TRIGGER.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0-MGTaPs58]

Those of you who have been around a while, know Shelly Guillory. Shelly was featured in the HBO documentary THIN, by Lauren Greenfield, and she has been a regular contributor to this blog. I am happy to post this update on Shelly and the status of her recovery. 

Other posts on this topic:

Shelly Speaks, two years after THIN.

 Polly Rests (story of her suicide)

 More from one who knows

 Worth

——-

Two years ago I started on my journey of “real” recovery, not that fake, pretend recovery, where I thought I was fooling everyone ( in reality everyone knew I was faking and everyone could see through my bullshit).

No, this time was the real deal. 

So I was off, full of giddiness and excitement because I was going to make my life right. A day later the giddiness and excitement faded. I had no idea what to do with myself.  Food was still on my mind and it seemed like battling my ED thoughts was much harder than just giving in and doing what they told me to do.  It had been one day and I was already tired.  I had THE worst anxiety of my life and felt out of control. I felt like a failure for trying to recover. I wasn’t sure I deserved recovery. I had to keep reminding myself that I had made the choice to recover and I wasn’t going to back down.

(more…)

German Artist Ivonne Thein was so horrified by pro-anorexia web sites that she created "Thirty-Two Kilos" (70 pounds) exhibit….digitally enhanced images glorifying it? or mocking it? or perpetuating it?

If Thein got it, she would realize these images are the best youtube thinspiration yet….

Are you a former Pro-Anorexic who has quit the cult?

Are you willing to participate in a University study on the topic?

Please email me for more info mamaVISION@gmail.com.

Thank you!
mV

What do you think of when you look at this couple?

Do they appear healthy to you?

Or do they look like death warmed over?

Meredith Averill and Paul McGlothin are members of The Calorie Restriction Society, a group that believes in severely restricting calories to maintain an anorexic like body weight, in an effort to prolong their life.

And it’s working.

Members of the CR Society have lowered their blood pressure, reduced
body fat, and lessened risk factors for heart disease, diabetes and
even cancer according to CBS 60 Minutes.

The positive health results are so impressive, Washington University is studying the results…moving this group out of the crackpot category.

So, what is the difference between Calorie Restriction and Pro- Anorexia?

These people are starving themselves for health- not death.

They are interested in living longer – not looking better.

Here’s the twist;

Dylan, the moderator at Live Journal Pro Anorexia, is a well known proponent of CR. He has been living the lifestyle for decades, and at 58 years old with a BMI of 16.5 is determined (and I mean determined) to teach the CR philosophy to the pro anorexics who come to him for advice.

Recently, he decided to start charging for his Internet counseling services, which did not sit well with some who are determined to shut him down.

Dylan’s point of view is “they are going to starve themselves anyway, so I am teaching them to do it in a healthy way.”

And the ProAna’s keep-a-comin his way – making LJPA “The World’s Largest Pro Anorexia” web site;

• 30k+ members

• 2M+ posts

• And a waiting line to get in

Ahhh….. this was a hard post to do. I pondered, questioned, and stressed on how to approach this topic, because I sure as hell don’t want to add fuel to the Pro Ana’s fire or plant seeds in eating disordered girls heads to start a CR diet.

However, we can’t run away from reality. These lifestyles exist, the information is all over the web, and its important to face it, discuss it, and process it.

Looking forward to your take on this,

-mamaV

Warning: The following post contains images that may be triggering.

Pro Anorexia web sites have increased 470% from 2006 to 2007, according to Optenet.

470% – that's insane.

Yet, when I ask the average parent if they have heard of  "pro ana," their eyes immediately glaze over. Why is this?

Let's see what our Ana friends have been up to, I haven't been on their case in a while, so time to surf the web….

Enter these Google search terms to find endless pages, sites, gory images, videos, and how to information – all in the name of  – "Pro Anorexia- The Lifestyle":

"Pro Ana": 8,840,000

"Pro Anorexia": 215,000

"Thinspiration": 57,900 

"Ana Mia": 513,000

"How To Be Anorexic": 1,240,000

"How To Be Bulimic": 431,000

"I am afraid of fat": 4,810,000

If those stats have not scared the crap out of you yet, let's move on to what's happening on YouTube. These represent full length videos folks, each average a few minutes in length:

Average new video per week: 100+

First Video Upload: May 13, 2006

"Ana Mia": 12,400

"Thinspo": 6,640

"Thinspiration": 3,890

"Pro Anorexia": 1,680

This insane increase may be attributed to;

• "Look Who's FAT" headlines pelting us at every single turn in the grocery check out aisle, partnered with anorexic images of Mary Kate Olsen crossing the streets of NYC dressed like a granny, gripping a Starbucks weighing in at 90 pounds tops.

Two examples of the thousands posted on the web of "real girl" thinspiration -the bathroom generally being the most popular location of the photo shoot (note to mom and dad: she is doing more than getting rid of their dinner in there).

• Tech-savvy teens laughing at efforts to shut down the pro ana sites quickly generating more content to royally piss off their parents.

• Well intentioned mothers scheduling their perfectly healthy daughters breast implants and liposuction for their sweet 16 birthday. If they die under the knife…oh well, life happens.

• Teen magazine articles preaching "eat healthy" while a turn of the page shows a bony girl smiling at the reader as if to say "You will never be me you fat ass loser."
• Every single fashion rag in this country filling its pages with photoshopped images of already super duper skinny models in order to make us regular people feel like a pile of crap….but they wouldn't make them if WE DIDN"T BUY THEM.

• Average size fashion model shrinking to a size 00 over the past decade (fun fact: according to the documentary America The Beautiful, this trend is "because designers need to save money on fabric.")

Rant over,
mamaV

Try out for MTV’s new reality show Model Maker and you’ll be dead in no time! But hey- you’ll be famous.

They pulled out all the stops and got this Mo-Fo to produce the program which calls for losing up to 80 pounds in 3 months.

America is off it’s rocker.

So how does reading this impact you? Do you realize how totally out of reality this crap is or does this somehow, somewhere make you feel like you are not good enough?

I’m in a mood, so let’s have some fun with this for a change, rather than wallowing in this BS.

Here’s the email address to the web site where they are casting for models: mtvmodel@madwood.com.

CORRECTION: I was told the above is invalid, try this one mtv@madwood.tv

Just for shits and giggles pelt them with messages expressing your personal point of view. Or even better, tell them you are 6 foot 2, and weigh 100 pounds….tell them you are willing to die to be on their pathetic, arrogant show.

Ahhh, it’s damn good to be back!!

Love,

mamaV

What do you wish you could share with your parents?

What do they, particularly your mother, not understand about you and your eating disorder?

Your body image issues stem from where?

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fk4oa8Bfyw]

I need your wisdom girls, so fire away!

Love,

mamaV

Video commentary on the Faces of Pro Ana saga that occured over the weekend. Videos are a bit choppy, but I am busy as heck and I wanted to get these posted.

 [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKodYgNRCWk]

Part 2 (camera died on me!)

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3u0Mi6NTMU]

 Looking forward to your response,

-mamaV

I thought I’d help Josie drive some traffic to her cute, little post on My Pro Ana Hero!

This is my ~ThInSpIrAtIoN~

That’s me by the way, 21, skinny and miserable, sent to Miami by my NY agent to shoot with some pervert photographer. I ate nothing for 3 days until my self discipline broke and I mowed down a box of Total cereal, then hit the pool for a marathon swim. Good times.

Hey, I feel that spark coming back!

Look out Josie!

-mamaV

Tipster Izzy directed to me to Faces of Pro Ana  (fixed the link it works now). I guess I am not the only one swiping images of Pro Ana girls on public web sites and displaying them to make a point.

I personally think this one holding the skull is particularly creative.

Sunday 3/30 1:30pm picture removed per request of individual shown. 

Can this get anymore psycho? Or is today’s youth so bored that they cling on to some grim reality for the shock factor?

Honestly, this is getting so tired. I didn’t think I would ever say this, but after nearly two years of blogging on this topic I have no idea why I am doing this. 

-mamaV

This video response was posted to me from YouTube regarding the Internet Suicide post. I feel this individual articulates a point of view that is worth sharing because she speaks as an outsider coming into a pro ana community, and being caught off guard on what she finds.

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=GFyjHGUE3bU]

Thoughts?

mamaV 

What is the most ridiculous thing you have every tried to lose weight?

Jezebel recently posted on a Glamour Rag article dedicated to this topic, “Scary Diet Tricks No Woman Should Try!”

Before you all freak and tell me that I am providing tips and tricks for pro anas or individuals with ED’s please just stop. The web is crawling with this crap so don’t delude yourself into believing I am revealing some mystery here. Plus not one item on the Glamour list was new to me, so my guess you all won’t be surprised either.

My lamest attempt at weight loss?

Baby food. Who the hell knows how I even came up with this idea, but we all know the mind does strange things when deliberately starved. Didn’t taste bad really, but the vision of a teenage girl walking down the street chomping down strained peas from a mini glass Gerber jar is rather psycho.

Your turn,

-mamaV 

We are going to keep rolling with Shelly, from the HBO documentary THIN, because I can see you are all relating quite well. This dialogue is good for Shelly and for all of you.

I want to highlight the paragraph below because it strikes at the core of what I believe is a major issue for many of the girls of this community. My hope for each and every one of you, is you can reach the place Shelly has achieved, the place where I live as well, because this is a place of peace and contentment beyond compare:

“I guess I was scared to really look at my life because I was afraid that I wouldn’t like the person I was growing up to be.  Actually, honestly, I guess I was more afraid that people wouldn’t like the person I was.  So I hid behind an eating disorder and a raging addiction so I would have an excuse for why people didn’t like me.  I always had some disorder or dysfunction in my life to blame.  And now, since I am I am recovery I don’t have those things to fall back on and if people don’t like me or what I do, I know have to realize that it is their choice and I don’t have to take responsibility for them or their feelings.”

If you take away anything from Shelly’s statement it’s to live your life for you.

The take away from me is to pound this mantra into your head – life is not about making people like you.

On to Shelly’s thoughts for the day;

So finding out who I am has become the priority in my recovery.  Trading in the identity I have lived with for so long for an identity that more accurately reflects who I am is daunting.  Sometimes I wonder where I fit in this huge, scary world.  While in the throes of my disorder I knew I fit in the world of eating disorders and I was comfortable there.  I could relate to people who were struggling and I am sad to say I shared tips and thinspiration.  I fed off the energy that others with ED had and often I became competitive with others.  Every part of my day revolved around my eating disorder.  Everything I did during the day was focused on how to get thinner and keep myself sick. 

Now, here is where the difficult and fearful part of my recovery comes into play.  When I finally resigned to the fact that I would give up my eating disorder, my addiction, and any other self-destructive coping mechanism I was left with 24 hours day to fill with things to do.  I felt lost, confused, and extremely afraid. What was I going to do?  I had no idea.  When I voiced this concern to others they would tell me that I could do anything I wanted.  I tried to believe them but deep down I was frightened and didn’t know if I could really play this whole recovery game.  But I decided I would at least try it.  I felt like there was no harm in trying and if I didn’t like it then I could always go back to my disease(s). 

I have to be honest… at first I didn’t like it.  But I didn’t dislike it as much as I disliked being consumed with negative thoughts all day long.  Negative thoughts did come and they still do, but I treat them differently.  I don’t listen to what they tell me.  I just notice them and let them go.  Accepting them and being aware was the first part of my recovery.  When the thoughts told me that I shouldn’t eat that french fry…I ate more than one.  It was difficult, but as I became more and more aware the thoughts became less and less powerful.  I kept fighting and I made a commitment to not give up until I tried my absolute hardest for at least a year (I usually don’t like putting time frames on things but I did this time to keep myself going.) 

It was so difficult that sometimes I would pace up and down my hallway because I was so anxious.  I was trying to find things to do.  I read, I knitted, I walked outside, I cried, I cleaned,  I made my meals and then when my husband came home from work I spent time with him. The most important thing I did (and am still doing), however, was to look deep within myself.  I started to figure out how I liked to spend my time, what my morals and values are, what makes me happy, what pisses me off, what stresses me out, how to handle it, etc. 

It was overwhelming because in ten years I had not let myself look at things.  For the past ten years I was merely surviving and I realize now that my ED and my addiction were merely distracting me from doing anything, especially finding out who I was. I guess I was scared to really look at my life because I was afraid that I wouldn’t like the person I was growing up to be.  Actually, honestly, I guess I was more afraid that people wouldn’t like the person I was.  So I hid behind an eating disorder and a raging addiction so I would have an excuse for why people didn’t like me.  I always had some disorder or dysfunction in my life to blame.  And now, since I am I am recovery I don’t have those things to fall back on and if people don’t like me or what I do, I know have to realize that it is their choice and I don’t have to take responsibility for them or their feelings. 

Slowly, it is staring to get a little easier and I am grateful I didn’t give up. I am now trying to find a job.  The nursing field is stressful and because I am now just starting to take care of myself I don’t feel I am ready to take care of people in that environment just yet.  Plus, I might go back to school because I am healthy to do so.  I guess I feel like I CAN really do anything I want to do.  I hate to admit when I am wrong, but I guess everyone was right…again!

To those of you who are fighting don’t give up no matter how hard it gets…you have already made the commitment to at least start to fight.  For those of you contemplating recovery my hope is that you try before it is too late. 

Nowadays I go to bed so tired and drained.  And it is not because I haven’t eaten or purged all day…It is because I working my ass (not literally) off to get better.

-Shelly

 UPDATED: See post from Shelly on her recovery 5 years after the documentary.

—–

Shelly Guillory from the HBO documentary THIN is ready to have her say.

Since the death of her friend Polly Williams, she has decided to come out fighting. Fighting against eating disorders, and the media that fuels them. Here is an update from Shelly sent to me via email;

So I haven’t been around much on the internet and there is a simple reason for this.  I am getting better.  It is easy to say but extremely hard to do.  As a therapist once told me ,(and I laughed at this and totally used this phrase in a mocking tone on more than one occasion)…”it’s simple, but I am not saying it’s easy.”

Little did I know she would be right. 

I cannot say why I decided to get better, but a few months ago something just “clicked”.  In AA they say a person has a spiritual awakening, but because I don’t like that term and I was never like Moses and saw a burning bush, I am just going to go with my Clicking Theory.  I had hit an all time low.  I was depressed, anxious, malnourished, and I was addicted to benzodiazipines.  I realized I had to do something or I would die.  Honestly, I really thought death was the only way I was going to get over this, I almost welcomed it.  But deep down inside I knew I didn’t want to die, but I deeply believed I couldn’t get better.  I kept telling myself over and over again, “you have tried and you have failed everytime.”  But had I really tried?  Had I really surrendered and given recovery every ounce of energy I had?  The answer again was simple…No, I had not.

Shelly one year after treatment at Renfrew, image source: Lauren Greenfield

So in September 2008, I surrendered and it was quite possibly the scariest thing I had ever done.  I realized I had to put aside my preoccupation with weight, food, body image, thinness and everything else that comes along with an eating disorder, once and for all.  I was terrified because I knew without all those distractions I would be force to feel.  Feelings I had not allowed myself to feel in so long were powerful.  I felt uncomfortable because I had not felt anything for so long.  The amount of anxiety I felt scared me and I several times I thought about quitting, turning back to starving and purging.  But I knew I couldn’t.  This was my time and I knew something greater than myself would get me through it.  My confidence was shaky and many times I didn’t believe I could do it, but I just kept telling myself over and over again that I could no matter what I really believed.  The power of positive self-talk has sustained me in my recovery. 

I ate and I gained weight and I sobered up (6 months clean).  The concept was simple, but the process wasn’t easy.  I cannot say this enough, I was scared out of my mind…sometimes paralyzed by fear.  Even today I still have a lot of fear and anxiety.  Recovery is a slow process and because I am impatient it has made the process slightly harder.  But I realized I would rather feel uncomfortable for a little while than to not feel at all. 

A change is happening in me and I welcome it this time instead of pushing it away.  This is the first time I have allowed it to hapen.  I am slowly finding out who I am, what I like, what I don’t like, who I want to be and so on…although scary, it feel awesome and It feels real.

So I write to tell you it is possible.  I was one who wasn’t supposed to make it. I am going to prove those who doubted me wrong.  And it is going to feel good.  And I win in the situation.  Recovery to me means living the life I want, to not be weighed down by unnecessary worries and irrational thoughts.  It means not putting unrealistic expectations on myself and not feeling like a failure when I don’t meet them.  It means improved relationships with the people I love and care about.  It means I can reach out, tell my story and give people hope.  It means I can truly be the person that I am.

I don’t want to overwhelm you guys with my thoughts and my dreams and hopes.  But I will continue to write because hopefully it not only give you hope, but it will also remind me of what I am working for and what I want to attain.

The freedom I feel from not actively engaging in Ed behaviors has provided me with opportunities that I never even noticed before. I will speak out and I will advocate because I know my story needs to be told.

My hope for you today is to at least have one minute, one hour, or even a few hours where you can step back, take a look a look at who you really are and experience peace and serenity.  It may materialize into something greater and more powerful than you thought possible.

Until next time…

Shelly

In memory of Polly.

**Excerpt from The Hip Bone Handbook, how to be anorexic.

I started blogging back in 2006. What started as a total whim, has grown to be a part of me. The girls of my blog community created the nickname “mamaV” and quickly took hold of my heart. The vast majority of these young women find my blog while they secretly search for pro-anorexia online.

Pro-Anorexia?

The thought of Anorexia, as a lifestyle, is so totally preposterous, I have a hard time saying it myself. Most adults are dumbfounded by the topic, as I was when I first caught wind of it.

This is not some random, underground culture. A simple search for the term on Google returns over a million pages of starvation driven content. We are talking deliberate, active, starvation here.

Pro-anorexia, a.k.a. ”pro-ana or wannarexia,”  preys on the weak, the young, the insecure. The more the pro-ana lifestyle takes hold of a young mind, followers actually start to refer to “Ana,” their fictionary god who serves to justify their actions.

This topic is ugly and disturbing.

Do not turn away and leave this one for someone else to deal with, it ain’t going away.

These are OUR girls.

You can address this issue head on, in your everyday life, through the interactions of every young person you are in contact with. You need to be aware of what is going on in the minds of young people today, in order to recognize the deadly habits of a pro-anorexic individual, perhaps even save a precious life before it is sucked into the pro-ana culture.

THIN equals beauty in this society.

We are raising a generation of of young women who would rather die, than be one of the ugly ones.

Life goals are not to be smart, or happy, or strong.

Thin is it. And it’s pathetic.

I can’t sit here, silent, when we have healthy, young, capable lives being pissed away while they are busy collaborating online on how to starve themselves to death.

Can you?

-mamaV

—-

Many of you remember Polly from the HBO documentary THIN by Lauren Greenfield.

Image Source for all photos: Lauren Greenfield, THIN

Polly passed away on Friday evening. Please send your prayers to her friends and family. Take a moment to reflect upon the courage it took for Polly to let it all fly on THIN. I’m nothing next to this one, she was something, talk about guts.

“Dieting has always been a huge part of my life. I remember all the things that are signs of eating disorders being taught by my family; cut my food into really small pieces, and chew very slowly and take your time, and drink water in between so your stomach fills up faster. I was counting calories and fat by the time I was 11.

I had diet pills packed in my lunch in elementary school. When I was ten years old, my mother and my aunt paid me $100 each to lose 10 pounds. It wasn’t until recently I pulled out a photo album that I was like, Oh my Gosh. I really wasn’t fat. I’ve had a distorted view of myself  pretty much most of my life.

- Polly, THIN documentary, read more here.

Polly’s obituary from her local paper

Polly’s caring bridge site