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4 Jan

WTF wheres the food

I’m not FAT.

28 Sep

If you’ve never suffered an eating disorder, you’ll think this woman is nuts.

If you know someone who has an eating disorder, you’ll have a renewed disgust for them.

If you, yourself, have an eating disorder, this is your mirror.

May you see yourself with the strength of this woman to let it all fly in the middle of the street because she knows she needs to do this to keep the monster away.  Just like me.

Caroline Rothstein performing FAT

But I can see the truth in her eyes. She is still fat to the world and to herself. And I am not sure I believe there is a cure. We can hope, we can try, we can beg, but this is the world we live in so we can’t run from ourselves no matter how much passion we put behind it.

Our only hope is to surround ourselves with those who see through it, to the real us. I speak of those who need the exact same in return.

But we still have to return home to our own reflections. Our own thoughts. Our own body standards. And the thoughts don’t really ever stop although we claim they do.

Not even Lady Gaga can escape…but I am willing to watch her try.


Zazzle T-Shirt Petition: Better to look good than feel good.

24 Aug

Please sign the petition to remove this lovely shirt from Zazzle telling girls “It’s better to look good than to feel good.”  Yet another example of societies insanity.

Zazzle T-Shirt Better To Feel Good Than To Look Good

Actually, not really.

Kate and Pippa: The New Thinspiration

26 Jul

Kate Middleton and Pippa ThinspirationSaw this one coming a mile away. Particularly since Kate, The Dutchess of Cambridge, seems to be shrinking by the day (let’s hope its stress).  Turns our the Pro-anas are all over the sisters, glomming on to them as their fresh new “thinspo” material (at least that is what the media is shrieking).

How grand.

Odd thing is I searched for 15 minutes before writing this post for a video, proana site, or thinspo crap channel and I could not find ONE thing stated, noted, or expressed about Kate and Pippa.

So is this one hype or the typical situation of the media planting seeds for our dear proana community to glom on to? Either way, does it even matter at this point? Does anyone even care that there are MILLIONS of girls out there touting “Anorexia as a lifestyle.”

I found that answer many, many years ago – five to be exact, and the answer is a big fat NO. This culture is instead very interested in sensationalizing the whole thing, or of course banding together to “SHUT THE PRO ANA SITES DOWN.” Oh, yeah, that’s gonna do it. It takes what…five minutes to put up a new site or Facebook page?

We need to face this head on. We need to face the fact that every woman on the planet would like to be as thin as Kate and Pippa. Most actually spend the vast majority of their time longing to look like a waif. This is nothing new, and its no where near getting better, so what to do?

For me, I just need to rant about it a bit and get it out of my system, then I can move on with my day. How about you?



Amy Winehouse: Add bulimia to her long, sad list of vices.

25 Jul

Amy Winehouse dead bulimiaIts late. But I couldn’t go to bed without writing about Amy Winehouse. I always found her to be so interesting to watch, she just had that kind of face. Her features so bold, eyes exaggerated with jet black liner, pale skin painted with vibrant tattoos, and that crazy teased hair. I thought she was quite beautiful, even at her worst.

Never new she was bulimic, on top of everything else, but this was reported inAmy Winehouse beautiful - dead at 27 the news dating back to 2007. Can you even imagine? What a sad, miserable existence Amy had here on earth.

Let’s say a prayer tonight she is at peace.

Let’s also turn off the tabloid news that is incessantly ripping her to shreds, harping on what a loser she was because she was an addict. Where is the compassion? Can’t people see the pain in an addicts eyes? Why can’t we grasp the fact that no one would choose this life? The poor girl just wasn’t strong enough to beat the damn thing. And then there is her heart broken father, seeing him crying kills me. Daily News is reporting he wrote her eulogy back in 2007, fully expecting her to pass away young.

Amy Winehouse before and after weight gain and lossIn order to have compassion in a situation like this, I think it helps to know an addict, on a personal level, because once you do, you will always compare other addicts to your loved one, and feel somewhere inside so very sorry for their suffering. On the ED side of things, well, once you’ve been there you get it. There are no words except its hell, and to picture this lovely talented woman on drugs, drinking herself to death, and vomiting up her meals is almost too much to bear.

Digging around on other blogs I found info that said she was bulimic since her teenage years, and as she was getting healthy she was called fat at size 10. You can’t frickin’ win in this world.

In the picture at the left, she is unrecognizable with her gorgeous, voluptuous body! And no, I know what you are thinking — she does not look GOOD on the right. She looks dead. She looks miserable, and you know very well she is suffering so deeply, so don’t even start thinking you wish you were that skinny.

So back to the prayers. Prayers for peace for this talented young woman and her greiving family, and the loss of a great talent.



Eating Disorders: A social disease?

24 May

Not all — but a large population of today’s eating disorders stem from our societies focus on body image and weight.

Let’s face it — our society is nuts.

We accept the fact that “Plus-Sized” models are now size 8-16. We accept the fact that magazines airbrush the living crap out of every single image of women within their pages yet we hold ourselves up to that standard. We accept the fact that kids as young as 4 are dieting (yes that is a f-o-u-r). We accept the fact that more lives are lost because of eating disorders than any other mental illness but God forbid we fork over the $ to treat sufferers. We accept the fact that Pro-Anorexia is a lifestyle that has infiltrated every corner of the web and our solution is to “Shut down those sites!” We accept the fact that dieting moms push their issues on their daughters. We accept the fact that sports require restricting food and water for weight requirements and pure vanity. We accept the fact that fat chat is a daily event that takes place in front of our children with listening ears.

But then we sit and wonder;

What’s wrong with our children? Why are they not happy? Why are they cutting? Why is there so much bullying? Why did that child commit suicide?

It all comes as a shock when you don’t open your eyes and walk around this insane planet for one day and notice how totally destructive our society is to our self image and body image.

Do it — I double dare you. Watch prime-time TV tonight. Google the word “thinspiration.” Open a fashion magazine, pick one, anyone and see the walking dead who are hailed the closest thing to perfect that we’ve ever seen. Browse this list of dead women consumed by their disease. Look at the athletes lost who were more dedicated to their sport than their lives. Take a stroll into Victoria Secret at the mall (actually you don’t even need to step inside since the massive promotional images on the outside of the store include a woman’s ass in a lace thong which is so appropriate).

Then go about your lovely little day. Concerned about your lovely little problems. While your children stick their fingers down their throats within earshot while you pretend to not notice. A burden you say. A frickin burden.




**Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, psychiatrist, therapist or counselor. I am however a woman who has recovered (fully) from her eating disorder and I have been blogging on this topic since 2006 which stands for something. Qualified to make these statements? No. Making them anyway? Yes. Ranking like a lunatic? Absolutely.

Addicted To Food: First episode airs, what do you think?

12 Apr

I received an email from the producer of Oprah’s long awaited new show “Addicted To Food.” Below is the episode in full, please watch it and post your feedback. I’ll admit, I have mixed feelings — I liked it more than I thought I would. More thoughts below the video.


  1. I liked the way the show was shot, it seemed genuine, real — and as “non-exploitive” as possible.  I am thinking some of you will feel the bulimic and/or eating scenes were not necessary, but I would disagree because the realness of it added to true sickness of the disease(s).
  2. The show successfully captured the deep, dark, sadness individuals with an eating disorder suffer with — alone, day after day and often year after year.
  3. The philosophy that all eating disorders are at the core the same issue, I agree with and the atmosphere of placing individuals with all different disorders is different than I am accustomed to (ie anorexic and bulimics treated together, separate from compulsive overeaters for example).


  1. Individuals featured in the show may experience regret from “going  public” with their healing process.
  2. Can one really be themselves with a camera in their face? If it was me — not a chance. I think it would hinder me a great deal.

Still pondering this….

Pro Anorexia “Hoax” — Ex Big Brother star Kenneth Tong has way too much time on his hands.

11 Jan

Thanks to SS for keeping me abreast of this story over the past week. I contemplated writing about this dude, but didn’t because I figured it was a waste of breath, and less publicity would make him go away faster. But todays turn of events just made this story worth my time.

Kenneth Tong, wearing what appears to be a Rosary around his neck (either that or a pearl necklace which may be a fashion statement) spent the last week firing up the Twitter-sphere with a “hoax” pro-anorexia site or as he likes to call it ‘managed anorexia.”

Tong claims the site was simply a bet. A bet with a friend to try and become a “trending topic” on Twitter in less than a week (because he loves a challenge!) Tong figured the topic “pro-anorexia” would do the trick, so he started tweeting deranged commentary that unfortunately most of us are quite used to such as;

“”To be thinner, skip dinner. Anorexia is not evil, it is an often mismanaged blessing. Yadda, yadda, yadda”

Sorry gang, but in my world, what is the big deal? Proanorexia sites are EVERYWHERE. I have been screaming this from the rooftops for, let’s see, 5 years now and for some reason this dude awoke the masses to this topic. I guess I need to make it a joke for anyone to pay attention. In a sense, I guess I am glad this is happening because maybe some parents will start googling proana and thinspo to get a seriously painful reality check.

Ok, now I am fired up.


‘No Anorexia’ model Isabelle Caro dies at age 28

29 Dec

Many of you will remember Isabelle Caro, the brave model who bared all to show the true horror of anorexia.

Isabelle, the model who was told to lose weight, lose weight, lose weight.

Isabelle, the model who walked into modeling agencies and was treated as if she looked totally normal although she weighed 86 frickin’ pounds.

Isabelle, the model who posed in the billboard above to try and send a message to women that anorexia is a disease, it is not beautiful, it is in fact a killer.

Isabelle, the model I can’t stop thinking about because she reminds me so much of myself, and reminds me how smart I was to leave the industry, and reminds me how lucky I was to beat my eating disorder, and how fortunate I was to have access to treatment, and how thankful I am to have the support of my parents and husband who saw me through.

What exactly is wrong with us, the fact that we need a young woman to plaster her shriveled self on a humongous billboard towering over a city to try to make the very simple point that the modeling industry is sick?

Then, we ban the damn thing so no one can see it, continually hiding from the truth of what our society has become.


Holiday Headaches

9 Dec

Holiday Guilt Trippin’

26 Nov

This is the top post today on AllTop. Talk about a guilt-trip?

Then we have the entire society totally focused on obesity, calorie counting, and restricting. How the hell are we supposed to be “normal” (it normal even exists anymore) with all of this shoved in our face 24/7?

In the eating disordered days, holidays were hell-a-days. I mean c’mon, entire days with the entire family talking, cheering, complaining, and focused on one thing, and only one thing F-O-O-D.

Total recipe for disaster.

I can remember those who knew of my condition eyeballing me during the festivities, watching every thing I put in my mouth. Then the busy body aunts who didn’t have a clue what I was going through raving about how “disciplined” I was for not having dessert while they shove in eighteen desserts fat chatting incessantly oblivious of the young ones watching and rubbing their tummy rolls under the table, thinking how maybe they should be more “disciplined.”

So, how did you all do yesterday? How are you feeling today?

Time to let it go! Tell us how you feel, felt, and are coping. There is something about hearing from others experiencing what you are that makes this season just a bit more tolerable.

Some off the cuff advice:

1) Limit your TV watching. Diet commercials are endless, followed by promos for Mickey D’s and Applebees. You can’t win.

2) Ditch the magazines. Ask your husband or partner to chuck them in the garbage when they arrive in the mailbox. The same damn articles are recycled year after year, you could probably recite the content from memory so what is the point of reading them again?

3) Scale watchers –make a commitment to yourself to limit the number of times you will step on the evil machine. We all know its in our nature to weigh in every five minutes, so if you a scale addict ask a loved one to hide it and give it to you maybe once a week if you can swing it. I mean seriously, there is no (none, zippo, zero) need  for any human being to weigh in more than that. You know this. You do.

4) Go to the gym, or stick with your regular exercise routine. On days you just don’t have the time or energy, so something different like throw the football around with your son or friends, take a walk with your daughter, mom, grandma, aunt or cousin— or just yourself for a great timeout!

5) Be kind to yourself. Serious, cut yourself some slack already. You are awesome just the way you are, and with a little luck, you will figure that out on your own. :)



P.S Here is one of my most cherished YouTube videos that I made a few years back. It’s my daughter, husband and I making an apple pie, something that I would have NEVER imagined myself doing, or allowing myself to do when I was deep in the ED hell zone….which proves there is life after an eating disorder.

Reality TV: What’s eating you? on E!

15 Oct

Ok, the promos for this new E! show are so totally sensationalized its pathetic…but the show itself, I have mixed feelings about.

First, check out the promo.

The music, the images, the narrator voice — totally over the top. But then I went the E! site to see videos of the actual show and I thought it may have some value. What do you think?


Top 20 Famous Athletes with Eating Disorders

2 Jul

I remember when I first started blogging, an athlete who was training for the Olympics wrote to me for advice. Here was a girl who had worked her entire life to get to where she was, but she started to realize she didn’t want it anymore. But she couldn’t just –quit, could she?

Her parents would freak.

Her dad would disown her

Who knows what her coach would do.


Guys with eating disorders….lost in the shuffle.

22 Jun

Perez Hilton’s Pro-Ana shirt replaced with a totally cheesy, fake, lame version.

18 Jun

Original t-shirt on Perez Hilton site

This Jezebel story about Perez Hilton typical of a blogger with no integrity what-so-ever…or so I thought.

Perez was found to be  promoting pro-ana merchandise on his site. But after being called out on it, the shirt didn’t disappear, it was instead revised with the text shown on the next page.


Urban Outfitters T-Shirt promotes Pro-Ana Movement

4 Jun

It seems “eating less” is cool these days according to Urban Outfitters. I guess it’s their hip and trendy response to the whole “obesity crisis” but perhaps they should ponder the repercussions of placing this shirt in their stores modeled by a pale skinny chick (that kind of looks stoned).

Irresponsible as hell.

On their web site, this is how they describe the product;

“Eat less or more or however much you’d like in this seriously soft knit tee cut long and topped with a v-neck.” Perhaps they should have printed all of that on there.



Please Help! Join us to stop Oprah from producing Inside Rehab!

27 May

See the FaceBook Group here! We are up to 1,200 members!

Anorexia, the lifestyle. Yes, I am dead serious

22 Apr


For 4 years I have been attempting to educate the public, parents, mental health professionals and anyone else that will listen about pro-anorexia.

Pro-anorexia is the belief that “anorexia is a lifestyle.” Google the terms “proana,” “thinspo” to be sickened. On YouTube, an average of five videos per day are uploaded filled with images, music, and mantras all meant to keep these proana girls motivated on their goal to starve themselves to be like the Hollywood stars they admire.

Most people turn away and tell me “I can’t handle that, but guess what, we must. Others tell me I should be softer, and nicer to celebs who pave the way for girls. Ain’t happenin’

Check out these links to get a sense of what I am talking about here:


Dana, the 8 year old anorexic

20 Apr

Most of you probably heard about this young girl last year, Dana, the 8 year old struggling with an anorexia. I stumbled upon this documentary style video about her and I wanted to share it for comments and thought.

  1. Why do you think the age of anorexics is getting younger and younger? My answer — media, fashion, mothers on diets, and yes — genetics hidden in there somewhere.
  2. Can we say that eating disorders are MORE influenced by environment/media than genetic factors? (I say undoubtedly YES)
  3. If you have an ED, can you remember how old you were when those self hate feelings started? (For me, not until I started modeling at 15)

Part 1: Dana’s story and the start of inpatient treatment which she calls “The Torture Chamber”


Kara DioGuardi recovered from binge eating disorder?

2 Apr

Kara DioGuardi, the American Idol judge, recently revealed she suffered from binge eating disorder, a condition that is finally being recognized by the DSM-IV as an “official” eating disorder (the press has coined it the “new” eating disorder, which is kind of comical if you think about it).

Anyway, while researching her story, the first link I found on Google led me to this cover shot.

Why does this just seem like a bad idea?

Maybe its because as a former eating disorder sufferer, posing like this seems, well, counter intuitive.

Perhaps I am bothered by the body revealing outfit surrounded by headlines like “EAT MORE, WEIGH LESS!”

Read more

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