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  1. It started to be more than weight…. I remember also, at around 10-12 years old trying to smoke cigarettes because I heard it made you thin. I smoked and became sick immediately after each cigarette, so I had to give that up. I was very disappointed. I had a tall, beautiful friend who had the best body you could imagine. We, or maybe it was me, decided to take a couple of my mom’s diet pills. Mom discovered that she was missing pills and confronted me. I was so scared that I blamed it on my good friend! How shitty is that? I still feel so guilty for that. I may call my mom today and fess up. I need to apologize to my friend, also. She was great because she continued to be my friend, maybe I never even told her that I blamed it on her. I can’t remember now. Jump forward to taking the phen-fen at 22 years old. The pills began to make it hard for me to sleep. My husband and I had purchased a cute little house on the edge of a pretty park in town. Our neighbors had two German Shepherds that she kept in her fenced back yard. These dogs had the worst kind of owner. She never spent time with them and they had to get attention by barking viciously at every person they saw, even people in the park. Any noise, horrible barking. Church bell, siren, etc……barking, all the time. Especially at night. This was really awful because I was having trouble sleeping anyway. I began to hate these dogs, but especially the owner because she did nothing about it. I eventually called the police a couple of times and they claimed they could do nothing. I think the lack of sleep was making me a little bit crazy at night. I would pace and think about solutions to the problem, but couldn’t come up with anything. We had gotten our own dog, a little Bichon Frise puppy we named Annabelle. She was a sweet little dog and we were trying to get her potty trained. One morning she was in our front yard and I was a few feet away. The German Shepherds came running over and attacked Annabelle. Somehow, I got her away from them without being mauled myself. She had a punctured lung as well as other injuries. The neighbor didn’t offer to do anything. She eventually agreed to pay 1/2 of the vet bill after a lot of negotiating. I was scared to let the dog out anymore, so I let her go live with another family. I continued to barely sleep, being kept up by the barking of those dogs. We eventually ended up moving out of our cute little home because of those dogs and their owner. I continued with the exercising and food deprivation. I was never thin enough. I always felt I needed to lose “10 more pounds”. If I could just lose those “10 more pounds”, life would be perfect. I heard about a model search in a nearby city and decided I would try it. I had always had fantasies of being a model of some type, not really tall enough for runway of course. I did well at the search and ended up signing with a modeling agency. I got some jobs and it was nice because I was happy to be making some extra money. By this time, in the early nineties, “boob fever” had taken over the country. Think Pamela Anderson and Baywatch. I knew a few girls from around town or from the gym who had gotten their breasts augmented. Now I had the fever. I had lost quite a bit of breast tissue from the weight loss and felt it was a great idea. I was still a small C, but really believed that a D would be sooooo much better. I had saved my money from modeling and decided it was time. My husband didn’t want me to do it, but I didn’t listen. I had my mind made up. Still feeling “10 pounds away” from my ideal, I remember being on the surgery table topless, but still in shorts and sandals. The surgeon looked down and complimented my legs. I was happy, but didn’t think he really meant it. I was so insecure. More next time………

  2. In the middle, from the beginning.

    This is my life and journey with weight. I feel like I have always been obsessed with my weight. My weight controls my life. It consumes almost all of my thoughts and activities. It affects all of my relationships. It keeps me home and secludes me. It starves me. It defines me. When I feel heavy, I feel useless, ugly, like a burden, like it’s hard for people to even look at me-which makes me feel guilty and sad. My weight is directly related to my depression. I don’t know which came first, the bad weight feelings or the depression, but they definitely feed on each other. I’ve gone to very extreme measures for the sake of my weight through the years.

    As a teenager, I drank diet soda only, I’ve never drank regular soda. I grew up, until 16 or so, watching my mom smoke cigarettes and drink coffee or Tab for breakfast. So, regular soda was never an option. After I stopped group sports/cheerleading, I began exercising for weight loss (although I didn’t need to lose then, I thought I did). I did aerobics and began teaching classes.

    As a young adult, I gained a little bit of weight after getting married and moving out of my parent’s house. I was teaching aerobics at a local gym and taking classes there also. I began lifting weights as well. The gym owner and myself became really close friends. She was going through a divorce and was losing weight. We shared a common body image disturbance, because we both looked damn good. She shared with me that she was taking phen-fen. I quickly decided I wanted me some phen-fen, too. Somehow, I talked some dumbass doctor into prescribing it for me and began to really restrict my intake. I don’t remember how many calories I was taking in, but I remember only eating a can of tuna in water (plain) with exactly 10 low fat saltines every day for lunch. I also began taking/teaching 2 to 3 aerobics classes daily. I’d teach a 4:30 class, take a 5:30 class, and then work out in the weight room for awhile. I lost about 23 pounds and got down to my lowest adult weight of around 107 pounds, 5’4″ tall, at age 22, and stopped having my period. I noticed a pulsating lump in my abdomen and went to the doctor to check it out. I had gotten so lean, it turns out it was just my abdominal aorta.

    More about this journey later…..


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