I’ve got a “mood” problem.

I am a crazy person mamavCrap, I’ve had a hellava couple months so hope you are in the mood for a rant.

Diagnosed with mono (again). I mean, come on — I am 42 years old (total grandma to most of you I know, plus its not like I am making out with some dude behind the bleachers — happily married soon to be 15 years!)

Anyway, I’ve been through a battery of tests. Everything normal. Actually, perfectly normal. I am healthy as a horse, except for this mono mystery virus that keeps pulling me down every few years. Needless to say, this doesn’t feel normal to me, I can’t help thinking there is something more behind it you know?

In case you don’t know mono is caused by the Epstein Barr virus. Basically, you have to have it inpsycho_mamaVISION order to be diagnosed officially with mono. Same deal with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or CFS.  I don’t know about you, but CFS is the last label I want slapped on me. I don’t feel like carrying that ball and chain around the rest of my life. Plus, in the US of A,  CFS, just like Fibromyalgia are in our societies crock o’ shit diseases category.

Its in our head.

Lady, seriously, see the psych already.

Have you tried caffeine?

All statements that have been said directly to my face by arrogant doctors, including a kiddish resident that called me ma’am. I called him dude. Tit for tat.

So in the cyclone of these doctor appointments I catch a glimpse of my online chart which states I have a “mood problem.”

We are all mad hereSeriously, a mood problem.

Those of you who know me know that anxiety is one of those old friends I have tried to ditch my entire life but failed. So, I resorted to medicine, prescribed by a highly skilled psychiatrist whom I respect very much. Meds that literally changed my life, allowed me to read, concentrate, be a better mother, perform better at my job, and basically be a real person. The little cocktail of pills that I wish to God I had known about way back in my teenage years.

But to the kid, to the oh-so-wise resident doctor, this medicine is basically for total losers. Plus, my prescribed dosage is WAYY the hell to high, in fact he is shocked because he has never, ever seen a patient taking these dosages of psych drugs (which is not saying much since I think I was his first patient EVER).

But still, his words sting.  I know you know what I mean. 

Here’s the point, we’ve got to blow off all the people that regard mental illness as some sort of weakness. Its all in our head, we are all mad. Might as well bring back the sanitariums and shock treatments to get these crazed people under control already. To this day, I struggle with this, but ultimately I come out on top.

In this situation (you’ll get a kick out of this), I listened to the kid rattle on with his ball of crap philosophy, asking me questions like

“What do you have to be so anxious about? So you just hang your hat on believing anxiety is genetic?” In the next breath, he went on to tell me there is simply NO WAY I have mono. After all, I don’t look sick. He tells me how people with mono can barely walk, and me? I look perfectly healthy.

I insist on the test anyway. He acts pissed but runs it. I ditch out of the office before getting the results because I’ve had my fill of this dude.

Mono tests come back positive.

The guy is a genius! I wonder what his face looked like when he saw those test results…man I wish  would have stayed around for that.

So here I sit. Resting. Resting. Resting. And thinking about how glad I am ME and not HIM. Thinking about how proud I am that I express these things here in the hopes that one of you may relate and feel just a little bit better about yourself.

You are not nuts. They are. Save yourself a lot of heartache and trust me.





About mamaV

Former Paris model providing advice for eating disorder sufferers who aspire to be thin, follow the proana lifestyle, and lack self esteem.
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22 Responses to I’ve got a “mood” problem.

  1. kris says:

    my daughter has had numerous relapses of mono. she also battled anorexia and anxiety disorders. could THIS be a link??

  2. anonymous says:

    I certainly don’t think you are crazy, but in my experience, there are a lot of ignorant Dr.’s out there who have no knowledge of anxiety or eating disorders. I am fortunate to have found some very good ones, but also have encountered my share of idiot A-holes.

    One thing I will share from the better ones though and I think this is important to be aware of, is that even though one is in recovery and perfectly healthy at present, a history of an eating disorder can inflict damage to one’s system making them more susceptible to medical illnesses. While I am fine now, I developed epilepsy and an IGA deficiency disorder- two conditions I never had before I had Anorexia. So I am just throwing it out there that in some cases, this disease is not without long term physical consequences for some people. I hope this gives everyone on here more incentive to recover. The right Doctor/therapist is crucial to healing and I thank Mama V for calling out the idiots of the medical world. If anyone ever needs some good referrals, I live in Manhattan where I have access to some of the best.

    • Ziska says:

      So true. Most of the health problems I’ve had appeared well into recovery :(

      I actually got dismissed from the emergency room once. I was having numbness in my legs and had trouble walking. The doctor didn’t do any blood work or imaging, she just took one look at my chart and saw a psych history (how an eating disorder history wasn’t also considered medical I don’t know) and said I should see my psychiatrist ASAP. I wish I could have seen her face as I was rushed back in there that night because my heart and kidneys decided to try to give up on me that same night. The numbness: neuropathy from malnourishment. During a period of recovery. A quick blood test would have spared so much.

      If a doctor blames anything on mood or mental illness, PLEASE get a second opinion. It’s much better in the end to have nothing wrong with you and know for sure you’re ok than to end up really sick because you actually trusted a doctor when they told you it’s just because you’re crazy.

  3. anonymous says:

    I completely agree that not everything should be left up to a psychiatrist, because they are not as knowledgeable about the long term physical side affects of ED’s on the body. That being said, some MD’s are insensitive to ED’s and don’t know a lot either. Its best to do your homework and find a good one who can do extensive tests to track any physical complications. I’m sure ANAD and NEDA could recommend some. It takes some due diligence, but its important. I can not stress enough how important it is for people with ED’s to have medical DR.’s who know what they are doing and not just a shrink.

  4. anon says:

    Yes. In the twenty-first century it seems we, as women, face similar issues that our predecessors encountered in previous historical periods. Hysterical, hyper-emotional, irrational–such terms (among others), though not necessarily used today, sometimes still influence the opinions/approaches medical professionals form/take in regard to female patients. My research focuses on women’s autobiographical writings about their experiences with illness, both physiological and psychological. Too often they express profound distress with the lack of compassion for, and at times, down right disavowal of debilitating symptoms. By no means am I arguing that capable and noble medical professionals don’t exist; rather, I only point to the work that still needs to be done in order to sufficiently address gender biases in the medical profession. Hope you recover soon and entirely.

  5. FreeEternally says:

    I have had similar problems with medical “professionals”. I have had a few doctors that take me seriously that I am sick until they look at my med list. Usually that is the point where they give me the look, mumble something about how ‘normal’ I look, and hand me a prescription to some random antibiotic to get me out of the office or they shuffle me over to the mental health side of the emergency room. I have ended up with pneumonia a couple times because a doctor wouldn’t treat my bronchitis.
    I haven’t figured out how to respond to stupid doctors. I cannot omit the meds I am one because they can cause serious physical problems but at the same time I cannot tell them because it means they will not treat me like a human being.

  6. gabi says:

    Mono sucks!!! We call it glandular fever here, and i got it when i was 17, unfortunately though it almost killed me cos the dr diagnosed me with tonsillitus (which i got ulcerated tonsillitus as a secondary illness to it) and gave amoxycillin which cant be given to someone with GF, and the virus spread into my heart, liver, and spleen and my body temp went up to 45. Wasnt fun. But i get relapses alllll the time! I can end sleeping for days. esepcialy in the winter and because of how i shot my body to pieces with my anorexia and bulimia.

    I feel your painwith the mono!!! im in a relapse now, and im working and studying full time… im about to break lol. Sleep this weekend me thinks! wish you better!

    • anonymous says:

      I kind of take issue with your LOL comment. Eating disorders are serious. I relate to what you are saying about reaching breaking point, but if that’s the case… well then Maybe you shouldn’t be working and studying full time. Maybe you need to take a break. I don’t mean to sound judgmental, but to make the LOL Comment seemed very caviler to me… like you don’t really care. Your attitude came across to me as, I relapsed. Oh well. I get relapses all the time! I don’t think those comments are productive on what is a supposed to be a recovery website. I am sorry if this offends you and I am not perfect either and have had my share of slips, but I am committed to my recovery and LOL is not part out of it.

  7. gabi says:

    1) i know EDs are serious… i almost died whilst in mine (heart attack, potassium inbalances, tearing the lining of my stomach, tearing my stomach away from oesopahgeous.. do you care for me to go on or do you think im still to cavalier about ED’s?) and in the recovery process. 2) i meant im in a relapse from the epstein barr virus, not the ED. I get relapses when the virus is active the lol was at that, nothing to with an ED or relapsing in an ED cos i havent. 3)i cant take a break as some people need money in order to live and 4) starting a sentence with “i dont mean to…but, ineveitable means your going to, so yes your were judgemental, as you judged, got me wrong, and assumed i was caviler about something im not. And by the way, if i do relapse and think “oh well” then thats my shit to deal with.

  8. LGS says:

    This piece has made me stop and reconsider the possibility of going back on medication. My stubbornness and the social stigma attached to “mental illness”/pharmaceuticals convinced me to stop.

    You take ibuprofen for a headache so what’s the problem with wanting to cure (essentially) a similar ailment?

    Thanks mamaV!

    • mamaV says:

      You are welcome LGS! I am so happy to hear you are reconsidering, remember — you can always quit. Its not forever, but if you don’t try it you will never know if they could help.

      And trust me, I feel blessed that I am able to live how I do now as opposed to the way I did pre-meds. Its worth being called nuts every now and again.

      Keep me posted on what you decide!

  9. anonymous says:


    I apologize for misunderstanding what you were saying. This is why emails/messaging can be misinterpreted. I do understand what you are saying, but I’d appreciate it if you could understand where I am coming from in that I have met more girls with ed’s who do have a caviler attitude and it really bothers me. Look at how upset MV gets with all the media stuff… I am not the only one on here with strong opinions, and it is my right to voice them. Over all my message was to make the point that people need to stop and consider the long term affects that Ed’s can have on the body even well into recovery, and even if I misinterpreted what you were referring to, it still seems to me like you were taking your physical ailments lightly by using the term LOL. If I am mistaken about that then I apologize but it is how I felt it came across.

  10. gabi says:

    dear anon,

    i dont take my physical ailments lightly, but i joke because i have to live with them everyday and it can sometimes get frustraing. So rather than let them “get me down” shall we say, i get on with them and live with as best as i can. It is a struggle when i get a relapse with the virus, but i have to get on with it, do the best i can, eat well (which reduces the amount of relapses i get as it helps with my immune system) because i know for me, that i easily get sucked into my depression and can let it take over.

    Also an ED doesnt cause glandular fever. Its tranferred by saliva (which is why its known amongst teenagers as the kissing disease as its the easiest way to get it, and yes its the way i got it, but it can be through sharing food, drinks etc) however the Ed can enhance the and make symptoms hugly worse and lengthen recovery time. Which is probably what happened to me as my body couldnt fight it so easily.

    Yes you have rights to express your opinions, but you dont need to be rude about it. I used to visit this sight all the time dating back to 06, and speaking honestly, it was people like you who attacked anybody for anything they said (those people also have rights to express their opinions) that prevented me and a lot of other people i know from coming back here, and it was made to feel that they had no right and their voices were completely invalidated… which is probably how they felt anyway (i know i did). At the end of the day, its not what you say, its how you say it.

    • mamaV says:

      Hi gabi! First and foremost, welcome back! Thank you for your insight on mono, wow you had a rough road. I am on the mend, still not 100% but about 90% so can’t complain.

      On your comments above to Anonomous; I agree that this site can be contentious, but I have made it a personal philosophy not to moderate (as I am sure you remember). Free speech is crucial, but it also means it requires us to toughen up — and more importantly, believe in ourselves. Believe in ourselves so much that some random “Anonomous” person does not rattle us. Believe in ourselves so much that we can defend what we think in an open forum and not look back.

      The reason I say this is because you mention that readers left because this open forum was too much, and that makes me sad. Not sad enough that I would change anything just sad that you and perhaps others wouldn’t instead look at this as a place to grow –rather than a place to avoid.

      Because essentially — this represents real life. Real life isn’t filtered. People say crap all day, every day, and and its something we have to learn to deal with instead of hiding from. I know from experience that this is part of healing, its a crucial part of it actually.


  11. Mabe says:

    I think I got a mood problem.My parents are scared of me.I barely talk to them çause I spend most of the day locked in my room(i have to share with obnoxious sister)so at least i get some time for myself to just breath.I don’t like talking to them like before or joking or talking about my day.I just want to be alone the whole day.I know deep down that’s not normal but it makes me feel safe and calmed so I try to avoid family reunions or parties,since i’m also aware that my weight will be a topic and i can’t stand gossiping…Anyway,too much writting..Thx for the post Mv……

  12. Meg says:

    I had an incident last year after going through a withdrawal of one of my meds, having run out due to a script mix up. I woke up soaked in sweat, with my vision skewed, feeling as if my eyes were rolling up and down in my head. I tried to get up. I couldn’t walk. My legs refused to function. I crawled to the other room and my boyfriend gave me water. I went outside to cool down and threw up. He gave me oatmeal, Gatorade, more water – none of it stayed down. Finally called 911.

    The doc stopped listening to me after my step mother told him about my eating history. He ran a battery of tests, still not listening to me despite repeating over and over about the meds. Diagnosis? EDNOS (I’ve been recovered for a year!) and stage 3 hypovolemic shock.

    I had to do my own research as to why my body started shutting down. Apparently withdrawal from my meds can cause metabolic acidosis, which in turn causes vertigo etc, and (SURPRISE!) hypovolemic shock.

    Sigh, doctors.

    • Anonymous says:

      I know that whatever I say will be attacked and deemed as not helpful, but the bottom line is that low weight can cause mood disorders. Eating disorders cause long term physical complications. I ask… is it worth it? In my experience, the answer is no. So my question here is to anyone reading this, are all these health complications from ED’s worth it? Isn’t it better worth it to get better and have a quality of life? I just get the impression that a lot of people on this site- Not all…but many… just don’t want to get better. Part of getting better is gaining weight, and while it does suck, its the only way if you have anorexia to restore normalcy. So many people I meet say, when x changes, I will be ready to commit to a meal plan, I will gain weight then. Recovery starts with commitment. Not your comfort zone. And even some of us who are in recovery like myself have physical complications. This is all the more reason to just kick it. I know it is not easy, but it cam be done.

      • mamaV says:

        Clarification — I am of normal weight, and I have been since my mid 20s (I am 42 now). For the record I am 5’9 and 150 pounds — normal, healthy, strong.

        Could I have made myself susceptible to getting mono due to my eating disorder some two decades ago? Perhaps, but I doubt it.

        I would think it has more to do with my personality, the way I handle stress, anxiety issues, etc.

        Regarding the statement you are making above about “Is an ED worth all the health issues?” unfortunately when in that state of mind one doesn’t really give a rip because there are many days death would be a better option. Sorry, kind of brutal but true.


  13. gabi says:

    ok…. i think lots of clarifications need to be made here in simple steps.

    1) ED’s will not cause mono. At the time of getting the virus you have to hvae a weakened immune system which may or may not get caused by an ED but you have to in a very severe state before that happens (usually.. not always).

    2) Mono, is transferred through SALIVA. Whether its kissing someone who is a carrier of the epstein barr virus (what your left with) or through sharing a dinner or drink with someone thats how you get it. Saliva. In the uk its typically known as the “kissing disease” cos its high amongst the teenage population. And yes that it is exactly how i got it.

    3) you are left with the epstein barr virus which can be active at any time. When it is active, as it has been in mamaV, it can completely wipe you out and yes make you look as though you have a mood disorder cos symptoms are similar… in my opinion when your stuck in doors exhausted for ages.. who wouldnt end up with a mood problem?

    4) it can leave people with chornic fatigue or god forbid M.E. (which is what the drs were very surprised after me almost dying, i didnt get).

    MamaV stress can totally trigger it 100%!! when i finished exams im wipped out more than a normal person. Ill sleep for 18 straight get up go loo and sleep for another 18, due to stress of exams (thats an example). Last week i worked for35 hours plus studying at uni, and homework (20 hours study)..on friday night i slept from 10 pm till 4 pm sat afternoon and didnt move cos it hurt too much.

    Now in regards to people having left. I get what your saying about this being the rough and tumble of life, but this sites advertises itself as a “recovery” site, which to an new person in recovery or the people who are still active and desperatly seeking recovery, means they think they found a place where someine will listen and perhaps at the very least be empathetic. Not have anonymous trolls voice harsh opinoins which are completely entitled as you said. Somebody extremly new to recovery or just looking for that one place thinking they found it, gets confronted with that of course they dont wnat to ever come back.

    I got confronted by a counsellor constantly about how pale and sick i looked in treatment and she was convinced i was still purging and everyday she said it to me. (As it turned out i had internal bleeding from a bacterial infection and low iron count) but my head which was still half new to recovery and still half fighting the process, took those words “you look like shit” “she thinks your still purging and youll never prove your not” “your not allowed make up so youll have to make do with looking like shit”.. eventually i ran away from rehab.

    My point is, people who are treading their toes in recovering, even if it seems like they dont want to recover, they are incredibly vulnerable. Yes the world is like how you said, but once your in recovery you realise you have choice in life, and i chose to stop coming to your site and i chose to not be with people who will treat and speak to me like that.

    Just my thoughts on that. Glad to hear your getting better. Just really rest well, and dont force going out… do what you can if you need to rest rest.. cos it will come back harder otherwise! xxx

  14. Hi! i’m repost you post: to my http://www.twitter.com/#!/slavcentrinfo

    русь языческая кино порча как избавиться древние славяне фото предсказания о конце света ученые сказали правду магические ритуалы

  15. Annie says:

    Thank-you!!! I am so sick of self righteous psychs that think they just KNOW. They can’t get in your head and see how you feel. We aren’t crazy, we realize this society is messed up, and apparently that makes us messed up. I’ve had to many bad experiences to even write about, but kudos to you for sticking up for yourself and sending out that very message. :)

  16. Pingback: Modeling Anorexia Deaths

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