Raisins

I love to find hidden blogs, those focused on body image and eating disorders, they are like little gems just waiting to be discovered. I found Patricia,  the blogger of Beutiful, because she posted on a comment here about her blog. If you enjoy her poem below “Raisins, I highly recommend you go check it out, and sign up for her upcoming newsletter here.

AND, lets do something new,  please post your blog URL so I can find you, I’ll add you to my blogroll, and if you would return that favor that would be great!

XOXO, mV

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Raisins

Yea. I used to look in the mirror. Naked. Hoping. For perfection. Yea. I used to eat raisins all day. I used to want to be everything you wanted and never thought about anything that I wanted. I didn’t know. All I knew was that that mirror had better say “perfect.”

I saw the way you loved models. And celebrities. I saw the media. I saw the fitting room, how my body could not look “right.” To feel guilty for eating, to feel guilty about one pound, to feel anything at all, just to be “perfect.”

And one day, I was the “perfect” I had once wanted. Except that it wasn’t. I was skinny. Too skinny. I was tired. I was pale. But I could fit into those fucking jeans. I felt like shit. I felt uglier than ever that day. I looked halfway dead. It wasn’t worth it anymore.

The next day. I don’t care. I ate everything. I don’t look at the calories. I skip the gym. I don’t care what you have to say or which girl you have to compare me to. Do you understand this? I don’t care. I need to be beautiful to me. Not by anyone else’s standards but my own.

Yea. I am a woman. My measurements you will never see repeated. I am MY size, not your size. Not the size anyone thinks I should be. I need to be my “beautiful” size. I can be a size 2. Or a size 12. But I am a woman and I curve. I’m sorry if you don’t think this is “perfect.” But to be honest, I don’t think you’re perfect enough to say that to me. So go eat some raisins. I am a woman. And I curve. How can you tell me what a woman should look like?- I AM a woman. And I look like this.

Yea. I look in the mirror. Naked. Every day. Because I’m too beautiful not to look. And you can’t make me feel otherwise.

This is for everyone who knows “perfect.”

About mamaV

Former Paris model providing advice for eating disorder sufferers who aspire to be thin, follow the proana lifestyle, and lack self esteem.
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5 Responses to Raisins

  1. Ellie Di says:

    Wow! What a moving, personal piece of writing. Thank you for sharing Patricia’s writing and blog with us.

  2. Jessica C says:

    Thank you for sharing this blog post with us!!! So inspirational! I love it. :-)

    I just started my own blog, it’s a work in progress, but I’d love if more people would check it out! It has journal entries, plus quotes, videos, book suggestions, and my various lists of reasons for recovery and what I’m gaining in recovery: http://independencefromed.blogspot.com/

    <3

  3. Shannon says:

    Just found this blog and loving it. You are already on my blogroll. :)

  4. Kirsten says:

    Tears…

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