Just Buying Milk

This guest post is from TwistedSister,
a 23 year old woman from the UK. In this post, she relays her
perspective of an incident that occurred when she was 13 years old,
struggling with mental illness and anorexia.

Being looked up and down is never nice for anyone to endure, but
when you constantly have people doing it, it makes you wonder what is
so wrong with you that people feel the need to do it.

I have been constantly criticized on how I look and what I eat.
Mainly from family and females. Men have done it too but the main
judging has always come from females. Being judged by how I looked cut
me to pieces.

I remember one time that really got to me when I was out at the
shops to get milk for my mother. I walked around the shop looking for
what I needed, and I could feel someone looking at me. I always kept my
head down, ashamed of myself for even being in the public eye and I
tried to be as invisible as possible,  but I could feel someone looking
at me.

Without looking up I tried to find the person whose eyes were
burning into me, and then I saw her. She was probably in her late
teens, and she was just staring at me, I couldn’t understand why. She
then started whispering to her mate that was standing behind her and
started pointing at me. I heard them both laugh as they  kept pointing.
When the girl realized I could see her, she started shouting at me.

“What’s wrong with you?!” she yelled.

I kept silent.

“You look a mess. No one will ever fancy you. You will never get a boyfriend because you look like crap” she said.

She went on with the tirade —telling me my hair was dry and
horrible, that I was spotty and had fat legs. Before I could respond,
to this girl the cashier told me to come forward. As I walked to the
counter I could feel the eyes watching me as I moved, it felt like I
was in a freak show and the audience were watching the freak come to
the stage.

While I was paying the girls continued to laugh, then two boys
walked in and joined the queue with the girls. They asked what the
girls were laughing at and they told them they were laughing at me and
the state of me. They then joined in too, one boy shouted hey lard ass!
This made the rest of the group cackle like a bunch of bloody hyenas.

I paid as quickly as possible; I just wanted to get out of there and go home and hide.

“You don’t have a fat ass,” the cashier whispered to me as she
handed me my change (which I should have known seeing that I weighed 6
stone 3lbs). “They are just  jealous. Ignore them,” she said.

I nodded and ran crying my eyes out towards my house.

I hid in a bush for near on a hour, in tears, wondering what was so
wrong with me that people felt the need to keep hurting me, telling me
I wasn’t good enough and that I was fat. I believed them, I thought
that if so many people believed this was true well then it just must
be. I wiped my eyes and crawled out the bush, kept my head low and
walked home.

Soon as I got home mother started her usual rant about how long I
had been and what the hell was I thinking taking so long. I tried to

“What? Did ugliness stop you from walking? Or did your legs keep rubbing together so it got harder?” she preached.

That’s what I was asked.

I kept silent.

I put the milk on the counter along with the change and ran to my
bedroom where I shut the door and hid under my bed. My self esteem was
in shreds, I hated myself, I cut myself, on my legs, to see the blood
was for some reason refreshing to me, it made me feel a little better
but not enough.

So I then crawled out from the under the bed and stuck my fingers
down my throat trying to get every ounce of food, water, anything out
of my body. I wanted to be thin, I believed I was fat, I needed to
change to make people like me. I wasn’t good enough to have friends or
a family that loved me, so I needed to become thinner in order to be

I hated myself so much, I have never felt hatred like it and the voice in my head fueled this hate.

I was convinced my body was ugly and the only thought in my head was — I am never eating again.

I still get judged today, people stare at me as if I am a puzzle
that needs working out or a math question that confuses them. Girls and
boys alike shout obscene things at me as I walk along the street. I
still have low self-esteem, and I still feel bad about myself
sometimes. I am trying to tackle these things one at a time.

No one likes being judged, but at the end of the day, I am my own worst critic.

-Twisted Sister

About mamaV

Former Paris model providing advice for eating disorder sufferers who aspire to be thin, follow the proana lifestyle, and lack self esteem.
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21 Responses to Just Buying Milk

  1. S says:

    I just want to ask for clarification of why people were making fun of you: Was it because you were skinny and they were jealous and plain mean? Were people making fun of the way you eat because you had already had eating disorder? (From later on in the post, I got the idea that your eating disorder started after that incident.)
    I don’t understand the tone your mom used to ask you, “What? Did ugliness stop you from walking? Or did your legs keep rubbing together so it got harder?”. Was she being sarcastic and wanting to convey that you shouldn’t listen to what others say (because you were not ugly), or was she agreeing with the people who made fun of you?
    Aside from the details of the post, I can’t imagine people making fun of others like that in public. I am happy that I have never seen a stranger doing that to another stranger, but I can say that I have seen friends and family making fun of their friends and family.
    It’s sad you had to go through this.

    • hil says:

      It doesn´t matter why they were making fun of her; she may imagine but she may never know for sure. As someone who has experienced that, I can tell you the reason is beside the point. Bottom line is that they were saying things to her with the intent of making her feel bad.
      Same with the mother. The tone, sarcastic or not, or whether she “agreed” or not is not as important as her intent to demean her. Unfortunately, THAT´s what happens when you grow up in an abusive household. You´re made to feel like crap.

  2. Sam says:

    This tale is so very sad, I loathe to think there are people in the world that could subject an individual to this kind of emotional abuse. I really hope that if I ever observe someone talking to another like that I would tell them where to go. I’m glad that you’re able to begin to tackle your problems. You are a very brave person who does not deserve to suffer

  3. twistedSISTER says:

    They were making fun of me, I still dont know why, at the time by eating disorder was in full swing and I only weighed 6 stone 3lbs but the more people said I was fat, the more I found that I saw it too.
    My mother, wel she is one of the main reasons I am anorexic today, she is a horrible woman who is no longer a part of my life, she said those things agreeing with the people in the shop.
    Sam, I would like to think too that if I found people like that saying to someone else, I would have the guts to stand up to them too. I just hope people wont need to do that, because people need to realise that what they are saying can really cut people up inside and out.

  4. Heidi says:

    I have been judged for so many years and that has caused me to judge myself and be my own worst enemy as well. I am so sorry you had to endure this as well. My last teasing/judging was yesterday at Walmart. A 5 yr old little boy laughed and said you are so fat. I said that is a mean thing to say and his mom said nothing at all. How horrible. Parents, please teach your kids that words can hurt so bad and I will never forget. I will judge myself more and more every day cause of it. :(

  5. twistedSISTER says:

    I am sorry you have had to go through this, I understand completely where you are coming from. If you want to chat, im here xxx

  6. S says:

    I feel bad for people who are put in such situations, in which strangers, and even parents hurt them.
    I still can’t understand the logic behind telling someone visibly-too-skinny that she in fat for the sole purpoe of making her feel bad.
    I think that the five year old mentioned in Heidi’s post shows how much society broadcasts the wrong idea that fat is bad and thin is good. The friends, parents, and even at times school teachers, should try to teach more about judgment by character and not by appearance.
    I don’t know if I am helpful by saying this, but reading, “I will judge myself more and more every day cause of it” is sad, so I ‘ll tell you anyway. The society who teaches that kid those wrong values is what deserves to be blamed. The messages in magazines,movies and billboards that depict thin as only good want to make all people feel bad, not only you. Is that any comfort?

  7. Sagan says:

    That’s so sad and cruel. I don’t understand how or why people DO things like that to each other. Hugs.

  8. shelly says:

    wow, I have never had that happen and cant imagine what it would be like, like S, I am amazed that people will do this in public. I am sorry you have had to deal with a mother like this, must be hard. sorry you had to go through with this, TS. thanks for sharing your story.

  9. Alex says:

    That’s terrible…
    Thanks for sharing this Nats, it almost brung tears to my eyes.
    I have never been directly teased and bullied before like that, can’t imagine what it must be like. But through 7-8 years of my school-life, I have always been looked down upon and called weird. Nobody liked me…so I started thinking that something must be terribly wrong with me. And in the 7’th grade, I truly believed that there was…I actually started thinking I was a monster and that no one could ever like me.
    Guess a lot of people out there feel the same way, it’s just awful..
    Hugs Alex <3

  10. Meryt Bast says:

    Kids can be real bastards. I wish the cashier had told them to shut their pieholes. I’m so sorry that happened to you. *hug*

  11. twistedSISTER says:

    S, I know that what you are saying is true and I really mean that. Thank you for your comments hun, they mean alot xx
    Sagan, i dont undersatnd why people feel the need to be like this either but I do believe that it is harder to be nice than it is to be mean! xxx
    Shelly, how are you doing? Hope your ok and things are going well for you? It was hard having a mother like mine, but I have now learnt that she should be used as an example as someone I never want to be and she is no longer a part of my life xxxx
    Alex, babes, I am so sorry you were made to feel that way. And hey! Im weird too! so we can both be weird together, how about that? 😉 miss you xxxx
    Meryt, kids can be real bastards yes bit I always think that they turn out that way because of the role models they have in their lives or lack of role models xxxx

  12. Lis says:

    Hi Mama,
    Was reading this post:
    and thought of you and your site. It would be interesting to hear your/mamavision visitor’s thoughts on it…

  13. Michelle says:

    How are you?
    Now, that is?
    You are so brave for sharing this.
    You are a special woman, I hope you are doing better than the last time that I heard from you.
    Miss & love ya.

  14. twistedSISTER says:

    Hun, I have missed you soooo much! you aren’t around that much anymore huh? You can email me ya know babes xxx
    Im alright, just got back from Amsterdam last night, we to celebrate my birthday which is friday this week! me is getting old xxxx

  15. Gilly says:

    this is exactly how i feel. everyday of my life. i have endured similar insults at school and at home. and it just never ends….because now its in constant loop inside my head.

  16. twistedSISTER says:

    Im sorry that you are going through this too.
    You need to try and push those thoughts out of your head babes, seriously, I have learnt that you cannot please everyone, so give up trying! Just please yourself! Be who YOU want to be and how YOU feel comfortable with yourself.
    Im here if you wanna chat.

  17. Michelle says:

    I’m doing well.
    I went a whole year without thinking about my ED.
    Then, about a week ago, when I moved in with my roommate from freshman year (two years ago, when my ED was at its worst) I started slipping.
    Not to mention I have been losing a lot of weight just by training with the Marines. This is the first time people have actually noticed my weight loss… my dad’s wife sent me home with cookies because she said I was looking a little too skinny and a lady at my office asked if I had lost weight over the summer.
    I’m no where near super skinny.. but I am just worried right now that even though I have been eating healthily, I am content with eating very little. With intense physical training close to 7 hours a week, it’s apparent that I need to eat more.
    With more people noticing my weight loss, though, I don’t want to eat more because I remember what it felt like before when people noticed the loss.
    I don’t know. It’s as if I am on the tipping point of gaining ‘her’ back. I yelled at myself the other day for eating a cookie.
    It’s kind of scary, and I think it’s coming back because I am living with the girl who I lived with when it was at its worst. Its like how people act like they are in high school when they meet up with high school friends. I am expecting myself to have that drive to be smaller again because she is around all the time.
    I’m not doing anything unhealthy…
    I’m just scared right now that it might turn that way… and I’m not sure where I can turn because people around me know that I have changed so much.. I have become more confident and ambitious. All around just a better lifestyle. If they see I have slipped.. what am I? A failure? A hypocrite? I don’t know.
    I’m in limbo right now.. trying to fight it off.. but at the same time not trying to.
    I was watching this show on tv.. and this one lady was talking about ED and celebrities. She said, “Once you have an ED, it is a daily struggle. It never goes away.” I think she scared me into thinking about it again.
    I forgot your birthday is right around mine :-) We should have celebrated together, dude! Next year… for sure.
    did y’all get rid of the forum here?

  18. Nats says:

    Michelle babes, I am sorry to hear that things are going a bit funky lately for you, go over to the New open forum and we can chat there if you want? I love you and I am always here for you (even if you so make green cookies) xxxxx

  19. rachel says:

    I would try to go jogging to lose some of my weight, and then people would shout things at me as I ran in the streets. And then when I got home my mother would tease me about how much weight I’ve gained. My relationship with her isn’t too close either. Your story really does make me want to be stronger and not mope about it, though.

  20. twistedISISTER says:


    Im sorry that you had to go through all that, I really am. But I am glad that this post made you want to be stronger, and not mope about it all. Its so easy for me to sit in my room and think for hours on end about everything thats happened and what people have said. But I am too finding the strength to carry on and be stronger. If you need a friend, please know that I am here for you xxxx

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