To each his own.

I am the fat lady in the video. I put that video up on you tube not expecting nice people. I know what people say when they find out I have EDNOS.

People seem to think that I proclaimed myself as anorexic at one point in my life. If those who said they watched my other videos would fully watch them, I am pretty sure that I said that at my lowest weight I was where I should have been. But, having friends seeing me go from obese to a normal weight in a time frame that obviously wasn’t healthy, they were concerned. My family was concerned, and my Doctor was concerned. I was referred to an eating disorder counselor and at first I didn’t go. I knew I would get fat, that the “fat” gene handed down from my parents wouldn’t just decide to go away. I was scared to look the way I do now.

The things that have been said regarding me being a “self proclaimed” anorexic is absolutely false. I was diagnosed EDNOS my sophomore year of high school which was 10 years ago now. I was diagnosed with a disorder that means that I don’t fit the weight profile for an eating disorder but there is still a chance and I fit parts of the descriptions. I did restrict my calories, but, my disorder tendencies were more bulemic than anorexic.

As far as it being a phase, a phase is something that you go through once and it goes away. It never goes away. My husband saw that first hand, and thats why I needed to work my ass off to get where I am, fat. I had someone in my life who would rather me look the way that I do right now than walk in from work and hear me puking in the bathroom and screw up my body worse than it has been.

People have asked how long I looked at the pro eating disorder sites. To answer that, some of my best friends that I still have today I became friends with on those sites. Seeing the pictures of emaciated women on those sites didn’t scare me. Why? Because my whole life up until I found those sites, I was the fat girl that people made fun of, spit at, beat up, tripped in gym class and laughed at. In my mind, at the point that I chose, yes, it was a choice for me to go on those sites to begin with, was that I would rather die pretty than live the rest of my life being a nobody fatso that is a punching bag for everyone. If I died, at that point I didn’t want to live anyway, so to me, what was there to lose? I didn’t care. I went on one of those sites and put up a post saying something like I desperately want to be thin, I need to know how to do it, and I need support. I had messages from people asking me if I was serious, and that it would take a lot of work but if I wanted to be beautiful and thin, they could help and support me. The friends I have that I met on that site gave me the tools I needed to learn about my 45 minute time limit if I end up eating to throw it up. They gave me the list of foods to eat that were easier to throw up. I was taught many things on that site.

It has been 10 years since I was diagnosed and the thing that really got me on here is that everyone is looking at my unstable mental state at the time I made those other videos. My husband was gone, and I missed him terribly. Yes, I talked about doing the same things over again because I felt like I had lost control of my life and through my life, throwing up the food I ate, not eating enough, that was control. I couldn’t control what people said about me, I couldn’t control what other people did, I couldn’t control the close friends that I had dying, so I turned to controlling myself. Which, is ironic. I used food as a control and in the process, I lost control. For that, I am ashamed.

I mentioned I have BDD which is Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Which means, I have a distorted sense of what I see in the mirror, and unhealthy distortion that led to what happened to me. My counselors took care of treating that first, then we focused on the EDNOS.

As far as being lazy, or the stereotype of fat=overeating, I have never been an over eater. I played basketball, tennis, I used to dance. Until I blew out my knee at a dance audition, I liked running, going to the gym. You all are seeing the picture of me now, and making a judgment on what I have looked like my whole life. None of you have asked if I am huge just because I recovered, or if there other contributions.

For the person who said that I was spoon feeding my friend Patty who had cancer, no, I wasn’t. She chose not to get help, and because of that, when she needed the strength, the body weight to fight the cancer, she had nothing. If it matters, she died.

I am ashamed for what I look like. I am ashamed that I for a moment thought about not hurting my husband anymore and got fat. There is not one moment that goes by during the day that I don’t consider going back to the way I used to be. Everytime I eat, especially in front of people, I still count the calories. My friend Tara who I met off of one of those sites has recovered, she suffers from depression worse than I do. And no, she doesn’t look fat and obese like me. You can recover without becoming a lard ass. I wasn’t that lucky.

Despite what you may think, it took me a lot of courage to talk about things on camera. The reason I don’t usually put myself out there is because I am ashamed that I look the way I do. I work out every day, and I still look the way I do. I don’t eat junk because I can’t. I have borderline diabetes as a result of what I did to myself. I am borderlining diabetes and hypoglycemia. So, I can’t over eat, and now I can’t restrict without my blood sugar bottoming out. I did it to myself.

As far as looking at my mental state under a microscope, I was going through a bad time. Doesn’t everyone? The point I am going to make is unless I was psychic with the same thing happening at the same point that I clicked onto those pro eating disorder, I am not sure how my mental instability at that moment had anything to do with how I felt and what I went through when I made the CHOICE to go onto those sites as a freshman in high school. The only mental instability I had at the time was feeling like being thin was my only way out of the hell I was feeling and I had found a place that accepted me and wanted to help rather than to make me feel even more alone than I already felt. They made me feel not alone. They gave me a space to let out my self hate and tools to make myself feel good again. Anywhere else, anyone else, they would have taken my insecurities and used them to make me feel worse. I understand why mama v is doing what she is doing. I am pregnant, and will be a mom. I thought about this a couple days ago when my husband asked me if I was done hurting myself. He said “I don’t want you teaching our daughter to hate themselves and not accept themselves and teach them to fix it by starving yourself or puking up their insecurities”. I think it is different to look at from an outside perspective, no matter where you are with your disorder. Would you let your daughter or son do what you did? How would you react if you did a history on their computer and saw 20 different pro eating disorder sites and then see your daughter not eat anything at dinner?

Those of you who say that looking at me makes you not want to recover, I know. And, I am sorry. I am hard to look at. It should be harder to look at me knowing that I am a 25 year old woman who hates herself, who can’t look in a mirror anymore without crying, who has no self esteem left, and who still listens to people who call her fat and feels ashamed that she wanted to get better. It should be harder to look at a woman whose husband is worried about her having children because she might teach her kids to not like themselves. It should be hard to look at a woman who is pregnant and doesn’t eat what she is supposed to.

I am ashamed that I got better, I am ashamed that people look at me and are scared of getting better and are disgusted at what they see. I am ashamed that I have literally lost control of the imaginary control that made me feel so good.

I am sorry I am so hard to look at, I apologize that I allowed myself to be disgusting to everyone. I just hope that I can learn to accept myself like you all have.

This is an open forum, everyone can say what they want. People who call me fat and ugly, disgusting, a disgrace to recovered eating disorders, your right. No fault is going to you.

I still love you guys and have you in my prayers.
Mrs B, and everyone here, please have a meaningful Easter Sunday.

Luv,
mike