Finding Your Way

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19 Responses to Finding Your Way

  1. sIM'One. says:

    it’s hard not to be overwhelmed sometimes with all these painful truths you have to hear all the time…but don’t stop! you have such a big heart and so many people appreciate your contribution..yes it’s such a huge contribution to the world. we need people who care in this world! thank you for doing this, you are a goddess of reason and joy!

  2. kay says:

    Mama V,

    Words cannot express how grateful I am for you and your blog. You offer sound advice, from a place of experience and love, not from condescension, and judgement.

    I do have to tell you, i have been praying for you and this blog, that you not grow weary with all of the stories/ information you receive. I hope that you see the fruits of your labor, and know that little by little YOU ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE.

    Through this site, i have come to see that recovery is possible, and to see you living on the other side of this insidious disease, gives me hope. I am trying to find the courage to reach out for help again, because i have made it up in my mind, that i cannot and will not allow my eating disorder to keep me from reaching my full potential. I don’t want to look back on my life, and have it noted that the only meaningful thing i have contributed to society, was aiding in its degeneration through starving and purging my life away.

    They say “knowledge is power” and this site has helped to bring me to the precipice of taking back my power. I know it won’t be easy, but as a chinsese proverb says

    ” the journey of a thousand miles, must begin with one single step.”

    thankyou so much


  3. Gina says:

    Mama V,
    I am doing worse then ever. I don’t understand it at all. I go away to treatment for five and half months. I come home with a fresh start, a new start of everything, and I completely blow it!

    I’ve been binging and purging non stop. It’s not as bad as I use to be but I’m scared it will get there. I use to purge 30 gallons a day. My therapist says if I ever get like that again I’ll die I won’t even make it to the hospital this time.
    I’m so lost. I mean I have locks on the kitchen coberts but I can’t just say mom can we start locking them up again. I’m just sick of living this life of the eating disorder. I am 15 years old. I have been doing eating disorder trades sense I was four and developed whole when I was 10. This is what I have learned to define me. People keep telling me over and over again that the eating disorder does NOT define me but I think it does. I’ve never had a normal life and I’m scared to have a normal life and a future.

    I have know clue if I’m making any sense or even going any where with this but I’m just so stressed out. Everyone is on my freaking back about following me meal plan and wearing baggy clothes in 95 degrees weather.

    I’m sorry for going on. I’m just stuck and need some advice.

  4. mamavision says:

    Hi sIM one: Thanks for the kind words. I do look quite weary in this video, but I realized it was important for me to let some of this out. It’s real, you know?

    Realistically, there is no way to be “up” all the time, so I figure I need to just feel what I feel and not try to push it away because it is leading me somewhere.

    I have NO DOUBT I am doing what I need to do. My intuition tells me so every day. I couldn’t walk away from you and this blog if I tried, you are in my heart and soul.

    Plus, I believe I am making a difference. If I just sat back and watched all this I would go nuts! I need to get in there and fight!

    Take care, and thanks for being supportive!

  5. mamavision says:

    Hi Kay: Your words are so powerful. It does start with one step doesn’t it? Another way to say your quote is instead of saying “one day at a time,” I say “one breath or minute at a time,” because sometimes you get so low the thought of living through a whole day is overwelming!

    This reminds me of my favorite movie of all time- What About Bob. Bob, Bill Murray goes to a Psychatrist with a book that tells him to take “baby steps” so he is shuffling around trying to get over his phobias. I am not one of these people that watches movies over and over, but I have seen What About Bob like 15 times! If you have not seen it, rent it!

    I want you to know you are a shining example to me. You are the same Kay that got busted by your mom correct? If yes, we go wayyy back don’t we!

    Take care, keep stepping and thanks for being there!

  6. mamavision says:

    Hi Gina: Don’t ever say you are sorry, the point of this blog is to give you a forum to let it all out!

    A few questions…remember I am not a professional, just a listener and one who has been there:
    What ED traits did you start at 4?
    Are you on medication?
    Are you seeing a therapist?

    One of the problems with ED’s is recovery is lengthy, and generally dotted with relapse. Just because those feelings and behaviors have reared there ugly head, doesn’t mean you are right back where you were prior to treatment.

    Can you talk to your mom? I think talking at this time is crucial, it will help you understand why you have had a set back.

    Please read Kay’s quote above.
    Then, decide what your first step is going to me.

    Write me back when you are ready to head in the right direction. You may have to force yourself to do this,

    Don’t beat yourself up about relapse, it is part of your recovery,

  7. kay says:

    Mama V,

    Yes Mama V ! i am the same kay that got busted by my mother. I have decided that since i am having so much trouble trying to conjure up the words ( which is unusual, i always have something to say) to tell my parents that despite previous efforts i am still suffering, i am going to talk to my aunt and have her be there with me to facilitate the conversation with my parents ( i figure if she is there, then they can’t flip out) “There is strength in numbers” type of thing!!

    It is a bit weird for me, because i have never had to instigate my own recovery process, there have always been an intervention. I feel very uneasy about having to admit that i am not perfect, and that something about my being is flawed. I am absolutely terrified, but what this disorder has done and can do to me, scares me more.

    I have not seen what about bob, i promise i will make a trip to blockbuster and report back

    with all of my love

  8. Christy says:

    Hi mamaV,

    You are so right when you say that this is a forum where we can express feelings we normally wouldn’t. At least that’s true for me. Although my family aware (to a degree) about my ED, it’s as if they’d really rather not deal with it so if I say I am fine they are more than willing to accept that, even though I’m really not. The thing is, everything in my life appears to be in order. I just earned a post-grad degree, got a good job, and am continuing my education. So, in the eyes of people around me, everything’s great. And I so wish that was true. But the reality couldn’t be further than the illusion I’ve managed to create.
    I want very much to tell my mother that I really need help because I truly do want to find my way. I do not want to live my life like this forever. Starving and purging and obsessing over the fat I see on my body and hating myself is not a life I can continue. I am so sick of it. I do see a therapist and psychiatrist and am on meds, but I don’t feel it’s as effective as I would like and it’s partly my fault since I’m not always honest with them. I think that’s due to my ambivalence about letting go completely of my ED. I find myself stuck in this in-between place where I take one step forward and two steps back so I never make any real progress. Also, at times I don’t think I’m worthy of getting better, like I somehow deserve this. I don’t know. I know it all sounds crazy and I am sorry for burdening you with my problems. I guess I just don’t know where else to go or whom to talk to.
    Thank you again and again for your blog, your support, compassion, and encouragement. I admire you very much and hope to one day have strength like yours.


  9. Gina says:

    Well at the age of four I didn’t know how to purge or what it was so I would run to the bathroom and spit out my food. I would also hide my food too. I am on meds. I take a bunch of vitamins, Effexor [depression], and nexium [for esphogitis]

    I did a lot better today I only did one behavior one time today. So I think I’m starting to get back on my feet more and more each day. Night is hard so I will just have to be strong and push my self no matter how much it hurts. As bad as I want this eating disorder I can’t just throw everything I learned at Remuda away. It’s time to kick this eating disorder in the ass.

    Last night I kept my self from purging dinner and I had a major panic attack and major chest pains from it.

    I’m just scared something could happen if I keep it up so I’m going to try to stay strong in recovery or at least get strong enough to get my butt on the road to recovery!

    Thanks Mama V!

  10. Nats says:

    Christy, I hope your ok, I have missed coming on here and chatting to you all regularly. You sound like a very strong willed person which is a great thing but it can also be the one thing that is holding you back. I hope so much that you manage to find a way of coping and enjoying yourself, you are a special person and everyone deserves to know you. If you want to chat then just leave your email address on here and i will email you as much as I can and be here for you too. love you lots girlie xxx

    Gina, Reading your post made me smile strangely enough. You know what is going on with yourself and your keen to get help, but you also realise that its not going to be easy. You are understanding things before they are happening even if your not aware of that fact! Stay strong hun and the same goes for you if you wanna talk then leave your email addy for me xxxxxx

  11. Christy says:

    Thanks Nats,

    I appreciate your words very much. And I think you too are a very special person whom I feel grateful to be able to chat with. my email is Looking forward to hearing from you!


  12. Emily says:

    Hi mama v—-

    I need to talk to you, im not doing great atm, i feel like i have wasted all my time getting help when i am slowely getting off track again and purging again, im so scared. could me talk privately please?

    Take care
    Emily XxX

  13. Laura says:

    You have so much compassion…your kids are lucky to have a mom that cares so much

  14. Emily says:

    hi mama v– sorry forgot 2 put my email adress on¬


    much love
    Emily x x x

  15. Heidi says:

    Thanks for caring about us. It means a lot to know there is someone on our side that truely cares….unconditionally. I found you when I was looking on Youtube about suicide and came across the video on the girl that posted her suicide on livejournal. Since I found you I have felt a connection and look forward to reading and listening to every new thing you have to say. Thanks.

  16. Christy says:

    Hi Nats,

    Thanks for your email. I’ve tried responding twice and both times the postmaster notified me of delivery failure. I’m not sure what the problem is, but I’m going to try again. I hope you’re doing well and hopefully my email will get to you.


  17. Jenna says:

    I was looking at “thinspiration” on youtube and stumbled across one of your videos. Then i went to your site, and you are really inspiring. You put things into perspective for me. I’m not really sure if i have an eating disorder but I’m obsessed with my weight, always on a diet, and its impossible for me to just eat normally. I’m either not eating at all or having a binge. I honestly cant remember the last time I had a normal meal without thinking about the calories, the weight i was gaining etc… Ive been like this forever, since I was about 5. Anyway, thank you for doing this, I’m going to start going to your website a lot. Your daughter is really lucky to have a mom like you!

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