ProAna Challenge….two weeks down.

I am stranded at LaGuardia, waiting to catch my midnight flight. Towers went down around 4pm, bringing all NY airports to a screeching halt. So here I sit thinking about you girls.

I’ve seen comments come through over the past week, with a quick “I’m done.” or “I quit.”

Then others post their rebuttal “can’t you get back on the bandwagon?” only to drift out in cyberspace waiting for a response.

It’s ok to drop out, but know you are always welcome back. I know you will be back because no one, not one person has ever lived the ana lifestyle and gone on to be happy.

Think about that. Anyone that dives headfirst into this lifestyle by choice, or those of us who have been summoned to this by environment or genetics, will be lucky to get out alive.

There is no happiness to be found here girls. None. It is all downhill. Even if you manage to stratch your way up for a day or two this is like quicksand that sucks you down further the next time.

Stay with me those of you who have made it 14 DAYS! You are winning. I am so proud.

And those of you who have called it quits, I’ll be here when you need me.

Love, 

mamaV 

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49 Responses to ProAna Challenge….two weeks down.

  1. Nats says:

    Hey MamaV!
    Well so far its been 14 days and im struggling like hell but im still in. I am still at clinic, decided to give it another day, im just gonna take each day as it comes as sometimes I have a good day (when i can eat what they put in front of me even if it does take four and a half hours) but then I will have a bad day when it takes me 6 hours just sitting there not being able to even look at what they have put in front of me. I have gained weight, i know i have but they wont tell me what the weight is which is a good thing otherwise i would freak out! They weigh me every week and they looked happier this morning than they did last week! Guess thats a good thing.

    Hope everyone else is ok take care of yourselves and good luck, love you all lots xxx

  2. Alexa says:

    Im out because there’s a little voice in my head calling me fat, the worst part its that it is my voice… This its worse every day.

    Ale.ana.em

  3. Emily says:

    Im still in….. But Finding it really hard. I feel so low have collaspsed twice since being at the clinic, i feel that being at a clinic is only making me want to lose more weight. i feel like giving up sometimes. i feel like everyone is trying to make me fatter. Am i stupid for saying this?

    Dont no if i can keep on with this anymore, its to hard….. but will try it for a few more days.
    love you all

    Emily XxX

  4. Melissa says:

    You gave me goosebumps. x3

    Nats- I can’t descibe how EXTREMELY happy I am for you! You are doing incredibly!

    Emily- They aren’t trying to make you “fatter” they are trying to make you HEALTHIER. I know you can do this girl, you are so strong and smart. Definitely keep trying. Think about how many days you have suceeded so far- that’s amazing! Giving up now would just be silly. =)

    By the wau- I’m sorry I never messaged you back. x.x My computer fluffed up. x.x

    Stay strong everyone!

    -♥-Melissa

  5. Christy says:

    Hi everyone,

    MamaV–sorry to hear you were stuck in the airport. But thank you for thinking of us. It’s nice knowing somebody cares as much as you do.

    Nats and Emily–I am so glad to hear that both of you are trying! Even when it gets extremely difficult, you both seem really dedicated to getting better by hanging in there and giving it more time. Very motivating!

    Melissa–I just want to thank you for always having positive and encouraging feedback. Reading your posts make me smile.

    I’m still in as well. Things have been up and down. Lots of stress, but hanging in there. I will not be able to check this site or post for a while, so if you don’t see me don’t think I’ve quit. You all will be in my thoughts and I look forward to reading how everyone is doing.

    Love,
    Christy

  6. Nats says:

    Hiya.
    Emily, you seem to be in the same position as me. I am also struggling, every day I think to myself “what the hell am I doing here? I want to go home!” I don’t know why but for some reason I’m still here and I there is something inside me that is drawing me in its power to make me better. I’m not really complaining but its not fun either. I understand how you feel really I do but you seem a lot like me in the respect your still giving it a chance because deep down you know that if you give up now you will be further down the path of self distruction than you were before you went to the clinic. Failing at something always seems like a dig at yourself and you feel stupid when it happens so you punish yourself for it. This is the story of my life, I still blame myself now for losing my baby and its so hard not to continue punishing myself for it.

    You will get better and so will I. I know this is true because admitting that it won’t happen will make me give up. Don’t give up hun you are doing soooo well same as I know deep down that I am too.
    If you want to chat then just let me know.

    Love you lots xxx

  7. Emily says:

    Heyy,

    Nats,

    Thanks for ur message, you are doing really great, im so proud of you. glad i have someone 2 talk to that is in the say boat as me. yes i think what the hell am i doing here everyday? too, it can be so hard, some days i think “right today i want to get better” and other days i just want to get and and carry on with my anorexic ways and be ill, sometimes i feel it would be easier, but i do want to get better and start living my life again. Aww hun u shoudent blame yourself for losing your baby, that wasent ur fault hun, yes i no what you mean that its hard not to punish urself, same for me,

    yes would love to chat to u, My email is: splatemily04@hotmail.com, whats ures?

    W.b love ya ldz,

    Mellisa–
    Thanks for ur message hun, it really cheered me up, ur such a lovely strong person, keep on going and ur be just fine,
    email me when ur computer works better, love 2 hear from u,
    love u lots

    Christy– glad to hear you are doing ok, being stressed is normal when u hav this kinda illness, you will be fine i promice, just keep on trying hun, talk 2 u soon, take care.

    Mama v– thanks so much for posting your topics so much, this is what mainly keeps me going knowing that everyone on here cares and that you care, hope u are well,
    Take care, XxX

    Love you all lots,
    Take care everyone
    Emily XxXxXx

  8. flying_wish says:

    Hey MamaVision
    I’m wish, 15, gymnast. I have a food problem. Officially I am ‘recovering’ but I don’t think I am and I’m eating less and visiting pro-ana places more and more. I can’t stop what I’m doing and I don’t know what else to do-I am trying to recover. Sort of. But I don’t want to. I’m not underweight. I haven’t sompletely lost my periods. I feel I don’t classify as sick because I’m not thin. I want to lose weight, I want to be thin.
    I don’t know why I’m telling you this but I have to talk to someone and I love your blog. Is that a reason? I dunno.
    wish

  9. Nats says:

    Where is mamaV? She hasn’t been on here replying for ages.

  10. Joey says:

    Hey you guys :)

    I’ve been completely away from proanorexia for a few days now, and even when i do go it’s for ‘good’ reason.
    It’s hard work, feeling so lonely all the time.

    Physical recovery was going reasonably well – had a few bingefree days and after chatting to a friend who’s an expert in nutrition and EDs i’ve found out that i need at least 2700 calories a day to function – that’s a freakish amount!!!! Not quite sure how to get there, but i’m sure i will.
    Not doing so great today though because i received hatemail from a proanorexia member – told me i’m fat, should stop recovering because she can only stand me when i’m starving, that my (dead) mums last thoughts were probably that i was a fat whore, that noone needs me, that i’m an arrogant bitch …. you get the idea. It really made me depressed and desperately wanted to stop this whole eating thing.
    Also been having health problems – quite possibly ED related, which terrifies me because my doctors refuse to acknowledge that i have a problem :( ah well..

    Nats & Emily – i’m so proud of you! You’re doing fantastically, and as mamaV says – anorexia (or whatever other ED) is so not worth going back to!

    Melissa & everyone else – good luck! You’re doing great.

    xxxx

  11. Blog Troll says:

    Hi mamaV we featured you as our “Blog with a Cause” winner this week! Congrats and keep it up! We love your blog!

  12. Gina says:

    I’ve been intesenve treatment for a while and right now I just see two therapists and dietician, and a doctor.
    I can feel my eating disorder leaving me and it’s scarying me.
    I think it will leave me either way.
    I want to keep it but yet again I want life.
    I just dont know?
    I’ve had this thing for years and it feels right and recovery still feels wrong in a wayy.
    Any advice, anyone?

  13. Nats says:

    Hey Guys,
    Emily: I know what you mean about talking to someone in the same position, even though we are all struggling with ED’s we are all at different stages and doing different things about them.
    I will email you then we can chat properyl, I am in UK so time frame may be a bit weird but we can work around that, but if you reply and you write me an email and I dont reply straight away its because of the time difference ok but I will reply!

    Christy, Melissa, Joey: Thanks for your support guys it means the world to me. I am still struggling but I WILL BEAT THIS!! Same as Emily will, I know she will! We all will if we just keep pushing towards our goal! Joey, forget the little cow who wrote you that hatemail! That person is just jealous that they dont have the courage to do what you are doing! You are not FAT!!! That person in the end will be left two options, get better or….. well you know the answer to that! Forget them and just focus on us, we are here for you whenever you need us ok, dont let anyone or anything stop you from getting what you want and need to be happy!

    Gina: You will probably feel that way until you have fuly recovered! Its normal to feel the way you are! Everyone believes that once you are recovered you are for life, well i know thats not true and so do the rest of you, you are only recovered until you let it beat you all over again, you have to stay strong and keep in your head that you want the life that you have been dreaming of and some illness is not going to ruin it for you! You will get better and you will have the most amazing life that you haven’t thought about since your ED started I guess, live life to the full hun it can be over before you know it, take each day as it comes and just remember that you are a stong, beautiful woman who looks and feels great!!!#

    love you all lots tc and keep it up x

  14. Rev. 11D Meow! says:

    You ROCK, MamaV!

  15. Jane says:

    Congratulations you guys :o) Each and every one of you are achieving something good out of this!!

    Alexa – I said I was out on day 4 or something, and I still maintain that I am out despite knowing that I am moving on to recovery. I havent weighed myself for so long that I can’t remember when the last time was, I haven’t looked in a mirror for a week now (I am lucky… I can go out with my face covered and no one would look twice!) and I have never been happier. Even without being “in” you can use it as a base to changing your life.

    Wish – be careful sweety, I’d hate to see you fall right back into that ED… use this site and give the pro-ana fast a try. MamaV is always here and so are we :o)

    Nats and Emily – you are soooo amazing!! So proud of you both… you can and will recover from this hell that is ED. I have the strongest faith in both of you! Love you both!

    Joey – I agree with Nats. Ignore the cow who sent you hatemail. That was unfair, and not true. You are such a great person and anyone who cares for you should be so happy and so proud at your behaviour. You are doing amazingly and we all love you loads.

    MamaV – I was thinking about you the other day… I wanted to ask you what makes you happy… not just happy… elated. It feels like you are always so cheerful and so ready to help others and it makes me wonder, do you ever get those days where you cant seem to find the energy to get out of bed? he he he I still think of you as superwoman ;o) Anyway love you loads!

    Jane x x x

  16. i had called it quits…

    i think i’m ready to come back though.

  17. Nats says:

    Jkif help pleasfe hoelp

  18. Joey says:

    Nats – what’s up?!?!??

  19. Jessica says:

    i don’t want to drop out…but, im not okay at all lately, everythings triggering me. just looking at something like a tree triggers me, looking at a telephone pole thinking “god am i thinner than that?” I just can’t do it. I’m so sorry Mama……sorry. :(

    Jess

  20. Jane says:

    Nats….. ??? Worrying about you….

    Jessica – its okay to feel like this, noone ever said this was going to be easy. Just think though, are you really ready to let your ED beat you again? I know how hard it can be, although I also know a lot of people don’t know, and you shouldn’t feel bad about your feelings. Give yourself a break sweety, remember we are all in the same boat and having the same problems, then scream….”I AM BEAUTIFUL!!!” – you don’t have to believe it, but the fact that you are screaming at yourself will either make you feel a bit silly n you’ll laugh, or else you will just feel better as a result of screaming :o)

    KerryElizabeth – Get back in!! It’s never too late! :o)

    I have exams this week (not happy) and because I’m so scared about them I can’t eat properly, which is making me feel physically drained, meaning I can’t study, meaning I feel worse cuz I know I’m going to fail, which again makes me want to fast just because it’ssomething I know I can do. I don’t really know what to do with myself. I should try and get some last minute work done, still have 4 hours till the exam…

    Jane x x x

  21. Nats says:

    I cant do this im sorry i have to stop i just cant

  22. Nats says:

    Im so scared, I thought everything was going ok not bad you know but then it all just bloody changed and I cant deal with this! I sat there as usual trying to eat my way through the meal that they put in front of me, took a couple of hours but I go there and then………………Well what happened after that has never happened before! I went upstairs after we had finished then I went and threw it up! that on its own has never happened at all, I just never eat so no need to do it but then I went back to my room in tears.

  23. Joey says:

    Oh Nats i’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how hard all this must be for you. I wish i knew what to say that could be of some comfort to you. Though know that we all care about you whatever happens – even if you were 400lbs and freakishly ugly people would still care about you just as much

  24. Joey says:

    ……..I sympathise with the problem of the scars – i’ve got scars on my wrist from last time i attempted, and i don’t think they’re going to fade any more. However i now look at them and feel pleased that i’m not that desperate anymore and how far i’ve come, and it makes me feel relieved and pleased and proud, and i hope that will happen for you too.
    *hugs* xxxxxxxx

  25. Nats says:

    I want to go home and lock myself in my room and never come out

  26. Emily says:

    Nats– U are strong enough to do this huni, i no u are, btw im in england to so the time difference isent a problem, just email me and we can talk about this ok hun? im really worried about u babe, i no u can get through this hun, u hav proven to me that u can do this,
    Stay Strong hun

    Love ya
    Emily x x x

  27. Nats says:

    I have already emailed you emily hun. I cant do this hun i just cant I cant believe what happened, it didnt even enter my head til after it happened, it wasnt something I thought about doing at all and now its taken me over completely im scared to eat anything now just incase it happens again. I think im going to leave this place tonight and go home

  28. Nats says:

    Joey, people here keep telling me that last night doesn’t matter and not to let it affect me but how can I not??? I cant do this im just not capable im so alone I want to just go

  29. Nats says:

    Where is mamaV? I need her opinion on this I am going out of my mind

  30. Nats says:

    im out of here bye guys tc and gl x

  31. Emily says:

    Nat’s dont go please, we all love u, u have 2 stay strong hun,
    u can get thro this, we both can. we are in it 2gether ok?

    w.b
    love ya
    Emily xxx

  32. mamavision says:

    Hi Nats: I just read your messages, I am sorry I have been offline, just very busy at work and life. I will email you directly now.

    You know I am not one to tell others what to do. I want you to be aware of the exposure you have when posting suicidal thoughts and feelings. If there is anything you want me to delete thus far, I will do so, just ask. If you are comfortable with what you have posted and feel free expressing yourself here, please do. We are all here for you just remember this is open to the public and you may not receive responses that you like or that are helpful at this time.

    Love,
    mamaV

  33. Melissa says:

    Nats- Sorry I’ve been gone so long. Unlike MamaV, I am the one to tell others what I think they should do. Don’t you dare go and give up on yourself for something so completely minute! You are at the clinic for a reason. If you give up on yourself now then you will never get better. Obviously this is more complicated than you originally thiught it was- that DOES NOT mean that it is something that you cannot overcome. You can do anything if you just set your mind to it. I believe that 100%! I BELIEVE IN YOU 100%.

    Don’t give up. You can do this! Tell the doctors what happened, they know how to help you! Please, don’t give up. You are SO MUCH stronger than that!

    I love you honey, I really do. I have grown so close to everyone here. Please take care of yourself.

    -♥- Melissa

  34. Alexa says:

    i been eating once a day this last week, i feel a sick, but im hanging in there tryin not to throw up, i think that this is great since i usually eat once a week, and throw up half of my food… Now i need some chocolate :)

    Im not feelig very well but i keep trying.

    Nats, i cut myself when im not feeling fine, but i havent do it for almost a month. if i can do it, you can do it! please never give up, i know sometimes you just want to leave , but you are here for a reason… think that maybe you have to be an example of how one person can be strong enough to beat this…

    Alexa

  35. Nats says:

    mamaV, Melissa, Alexa: I am sorry for the posts I sent yesterday but I am just so messed up I dont know what to do so I took the anger out on my keyboard!!
    I am unsure of what is happening to me, not too long ago I was happy and everything was fine and now its just gone, I am unhappy I cannot sit here and say that the ED is making my life better!
    When I first came to the clinic two weeks ago I was full of hope and strength to get better now I just want to walk out and go home.

    love you all lots

    oh and Melissa, im still with you ok hun, i will always be here for you, you can email me anytime you like and ill be here as much as I can for you. That goes for everyone else too

    xx

  36. Nats says:

    mamaV can you just delete the one post that mentions what happened then please

  37. i know you dont know me, Nats..but i’ve been thinking and praying for you. i hope you’re okay…or on your way to being there.
    xx

  38. Nats says:

    Hi KerryElizabeth, thanks for the message hun, im not sure where I am at the moment, I know im not ok but In fact no I have no idea at all where I am.
    How are you coping??

    Hope your ok

    Nats x

  39. Alexa says:

    Nats,

    Im so Glad to hear that you’re fine… its ok to be messed up, but the important part its that you are strong enough to turn this in a good way.

    Im not feeling fine today…i just want to sleep and never wake up…im so tired.
    but i will be fine, i just need to wait, think and a deep breath.

    Hugs*

  40. Nats says:

    Hiy Alexa, the problem I have is that I dont think I am strong enough to turn this around at all.

    Have you eaten today? I know lack of food makes me sooo tired, im always asleep.

    Nats x

  41. Melissa says:

    Nats- I’m glad that you are feeling more yourself. I’m not trying to be rude or anything, but are you seeing a shrink? If not it might be a good idea. I see one and she’s awesome. =) Of course, “when I grow up” I’m going to be way better than she is at her job. ;D

    I would email you, but I’m not sure I know the address. ♥

    -Melissa

  42. Joey says:

    Hi Nats,
    I’m so glad, you seem better than you were :)
    I wish i knew what to advise to help you with all this, but i actually don’t know, and that feels weird to say. I just want you to know i’m here to listen, and if you wanna rant away, email me at king_josie@hotmail.com.
    xxx

  43. Alexa says:

    Nats, i know its hard but try to live day by day and dont look forward, try to be happy now, and if you feel bad always think that tomorrow its a new day.

    I havent eaten today… but i promise i will, i just need time to think and convince myself ! hehe:)

    I have to go to my shrink apoinment today, she’s great and i dont know how she can see a lot of things in me that anyone see… i start when this ProAna challenge begin, i know i need some help.

    Hugs to you all.

    A.

    Sorry mamaV but i cant post just one time a day, hehe.

  44. Melissa says:

    I hope all goes well, Emily!

  45. Nats says:

    Hi guys,
    Thanks for all your support. Wish I could show you how much it means to me.

    All of you deserve so much out of life and I hope to god that you get the strength to fight for what you truely want as I know what’s going on in your lives now isn’t what you thought you would be doing.

    You are all great great people and I love you all dearly, I will never ever forget anything you guys have said and I won’t forget you guys EVER, you will all be with me always x I love you all xx

  46. Emily says:

    hey everyone

    How u all doing?

    im leaving the clinic at the end of the week i have made my mind up, i feel as everyone is judging me, do you think they judge or am i just being paranoid? is being paronoid part of the illness or am i just stupid?!

    Glad ur ok Nats, ur doing great by the way, one day i will do better and maybe get better hopefully.

    love u all lots
    Emily XxX

  47. mamavision says:

    Hi Nats: I edited your prior comment on June 12, 1:57pm. Let me know if you want this removed completely.
    -mamaV

  48. Nats says:

    Emily, i am going to do you a deal ok, if you leave the clinic then so will I!!! I thought you said we were in this together?? You need to stay hun, you are doing so well, we are both messed up BUT you have already told me that it is ok to be messed up. Please let me know if you decide to stay or go, I will follow what you do!

    Love you lots Nats xx

    P.S mamV you can leave the post I made or delete it I dont care either way x

  49. Emily says:

    Nats—

    im not leaving the clinic anymore, it aint worth it.
    that means u aint leaving 2, we hav 2 stick this out 2gtether, we can do this im sure!

    love ya x x x x x x
    Emily x x

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