I am always telling you girls to ditch the scale…which I know is not easy.
I don’t have a scale in the house, nor do I weigh myself at the gym. The only time I know what I weigh, is when I go to the doctor. For years, I took off my shoes, dropped my purse, stripped off my sweater, let out all my breath….then faced backwards on the scale and told the nurse not to tell me what I weigh. This whole routine fell to the wayside when I was pregnant and I was are forced to know what I weighed, since I had a baby to take care of. Since then, I have been totally comfortable with the whole weight thing.
Its been about 4 years since I was weighed. I figured I was about 145, maybe 150. But then, the doctor’s high tech digital scale read: 155.
My heart sank. I was like “what?, can’t be right, 155, I’ve never weighed that much.”
The thoughts continued on, “that thing was wrong….I was PMS’ing so that counts as a few pounds of water weight right?” Then again the thing was digital, it was probably accurate as hell. That number really bothered me.
So this weekend, as I said goodbye to all of you wonderful ProAna Challenge participants, I went off to a hotel, ready to have fun and play in the pool with my kids.
I noticed something I did not like. Something I have not thought or felt for a very long time.
When I saw my body in the mirror, in my swimsuit, I suddenly thought my thighs looked fat. Yeah, my arms were kind of heavy in back. My ankles aren’t looking too good…..and on and on and on.
So why did that number on the scale suddenly trigger all these insecurities? The day before I was feeling good about myself. Why does that damn number matter?
It doesn’t. I am what I am, I think I look damn good for my age, and let’s face it, with age comes a few extra pounds so why not make the best of it? My boobs are bigger, that’s a plus!
Easy to say, hard to do right? I ‘m with you.
I am not saying I am totally over the whole thing, I just wanted to share these thoughts with all of you since I consistently say I am “recovered” from my distant path of modeling and the whole striving to be thin routine (if you are curious, my weight now is about 30 pounds more then when I was modeling).
I don’t think as women we ever fully recover, do you? I think we are somehow born into this whole facade. We all have this internal weight meter that tells us we must meet its requirements or we are not good enough.
How sad it was to feel these feelings about myself. They had been gone for so long. Maybe I was meant to feel these feelings again, so I remember, and I have a taste of what you girls go through each and every day as you grapple with the ED voices in your head telling you “don’t eat that or you are a loser, a failure, a lost cause.”
This morning I woke up, got dressed, looked in the mirror (at all angles) and said to myself, “Damn, you’re good lookin’ mamaV” and went on with my day.
Haven’t looked back since 😉
It’s not too late to join the fun! Take the ProAna30DayChallenge!